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Chapter 4-Written in Hope

Returning home from school, Santana was met with the sounds of her mother screeching. Rolling her eyes, she headed up to her room and turned her music up loud to try and block the sound. It wasn't long before the front door slammed shut as her mother stormed out. From her school bag, Santana had pulled out her response letter from Rachel. She rolled her eyes and groaned as she read what the Jewish girl had to write.

Over the volume of her music, she heard a knock on her bedroom door. With a groan, she turned the music down before inviting Jed into her room. He hovered awkwardly by the door and she ignored his existence as she continued to read the rest of Rachel's letter.

Clearly you have a lot of inner turmoil. Anger management classes could really help you with the obvious rage that consumes you. Hiding your emotions is not at all healthy. As my family therapist says, one should always express what it is they are feeling. I strongly recommend music to help you with your troubles. Find a song with lyrics that convey all the anger and pain you wish to unleash and let loose and sing about it. Perhaps we could even arrange a meeting and I could offer you instruction on how to sing properly and hit the correct notes. I myself happen to be very talented and destined for the Broadway stage…

"Oh shut up." Santana said not bothering to read the rest of the letter.

"I didn't say anything." Jed pointed out from where he was still standing by the door.

"Not you," Santana huffed. "I'm talking about Rachel Fucking Berry. Even in writing she gives me a headache."

"Letter writing?" Jed asked in surprise gesturing to the paper and envelope.

"It's this lame ass pen-pal thing we're doing at school." Santana answered. "Our pen-pals are supposed to be anonymous but to anyone who knows the Hobbit it's obvious that this is her." She said waving the letter.

"Is that really a problem?" Jed asked.

"Yeah," Santana insisted. "She's like the most annoying person to walk the planet. And now she's giving me advice that I didn't even want or ask for about how I should deal with my anger issues. Fuck, I don't even have anger issues."

"Yes you do," Jed told her bravely and she glared up at the college student. "It's ok to be angry Santana. And it's ok to accept help when it's offered to you. Do you mind?" Jed asked reaching for Rachel's letter, asking permission to read it.

"Whatever." Santana shrugged and Jed read the letter over.

"This lame ass pen-pal thing could be really helpful for you, you know." Jed said passing the letter back to her. "You've got somebody to write to in an anonymous fashion. You can say anything you want knowing that there's somebody who is going to read it. Everybody wants to be heard; well now you've got someone to hear about all the things you keep locked up."

"I don't keep anything locked up," Santana replied. "I'm a very honest person. If I think somebody sucks then I am more than happy to point out all their faults. Just look at you, fucking a married woman, seems like you have some serious mummy issues. Not to mention your oversized ears and what I suspect is a pathetically sized cock." She sneered.

"Why do you hate me, Santana?" Jed asked with a sigh.

"I hate everybody," Santana answered. "Don't think it makes you special."

"Ok, so where does all this hate and anger come from?" Jed questioned.

"People suck, that's all." Santana shrugged. "Now why don't you piss off?" She asked.

"You shouldn't push people away, sweetheart." Jed told her tentatively sitting down beside her on the bed, the action prompting her to scoot away from him. "Just talk to me, I'm here for you. Or talk to this pen-pal of yours. But don't isolate yourself. You're a smart, beautiful girl, you deserve to be happy."

"I don't want you here." Santana snapped. "And stop trying to act like you're my dad or my friend, you're not. You're not anything to me and you mean even less to my mum. Just do yourself a favour and go home."

"Is it just me you're angry about," Jed asked gently. "Is all this behaviour about me being in a relationship with your mum?"

"Get over yourself, it's not even a relationship, it's just sex." Santana huffed. "The old hag probably isn't even that good at it."

"I hear you cry at night." Jed admitted and Santana froze as she crossed her arms over her chest and turned away from him, her hair falling down to cover her face. "I know you're not as uncaring as you pretend to be. What makes you cry? Is it about me? Your mum and dad? Something else? Something at school? Boyfriend troubles?"

"Why do you even care?" Santana retorted.

"I told you before, I care about your mum and I plan to stick around." Jed said. "That means I care about you too."

He placed an arm about her shoulders and she shook him off before standing up and exiting her bedroom before storming out the house just as her mother had done. She knew Jed wasn't a total asshole like her mum's boyfriends usually were, but she refused to get on with him. It wouldn't be long before her mum broke up with him and had some other guy to fool around with, there was no point opening up and getting close to someone. As she roamed the streets, she couldn't help but think about the way he had tried to put his arm around her in a comforting paternal fashion. It had been too long since either of her real parents had tried to understand her or show that type of love. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd had a proper conversation with her mother and her dad was hardly around because he worked at the hospital all the time.

Before Santana knew it, she had ended up in the more posh area of Lima. Walking along, she recognised that she was near Quinn's house. She continued in that direction thinking maybe she and Quinn could bond over bitching about Rachel and maybe get herself a lift home. A short distance away from Quinn's house, Santana saw a familiar car park up before Finn stepped out of it. Quickly hiding behind a neighbour's garden wall, Santana watched as Finn strode up to the house, kissing Quinn deeply when she opened the door before they both disappeared inside.

"Wanky." Santana commented before straightening up.

Changing direction the Latina pondered over what she should do about the new information she had discovered.

XXX

Kurt had tried talking to Finn at home but he hadn't been very successful. His step-brother ate a few snacks then cleaned his teeth and sprayed some deodorant before claiming he was going to see Rachel. He knew that Finn was lying but he held himself back from stating there and then that he knew he was really heading to Quinn's.

After Finn had left, Kurt moved to his bedroom to focus on his most recent letter from his pen-pal. He made himself comfortable on his bed as he slipped the sheet of paper from the envelope, choosing to ignore the way his heart sped up in excitement.

Dear Winter,

Well, thanks for replying I guess. I know this is gonna make me sound like a loser but getting your letter was actually the best part of my day.

You say winter is your favourite season. I'm not really sure what mine is. It used to be winter back when I was a kid. My old man and my ma used to play in the snow with me too. But things aren't like that now. I can't even remember the last time I played in the snow; I usually just sit at the window and watch it melt. I used to think the fall was kinda awesome too with all the different coloured leaves, but now it just looks kinda sad with the way the trees are slowly dying. Spring is kinda nice with how everything comes back to life but I think I like summer best nowadays. The hot sun gives me a chance to work on my tan and show off my hot body.

Seriously Winter, you've got yourself a real stud as your pen-pal ;) I guess that sounds arrogant but I like to think of myself as just being confident. I'm lucky enough to like the way I look. Most kids our age have different body issues even if there isn't anything wrong with them. Skinny chicks think they're too fat, hot girls get boob jobs they don't even need and people do crazy things to their hair and use too much make-up. But honestly, I don't have any issues with the way I look. It's my personality I'm shy about. The real me I mean, not the person I pretend to be.

Though really, I'm not pretending anymore. I'm not exactly opening up to people and being myself either, but I'm not putting in the effort to keep up the act if that makes sense.

So you feel alone too, huh? That's nice. I mean it's not cool that you feel that way, but it's nice knowing that I'm not the only one feeling alone. You said you have a great family, you're lucky. I hope you appreciate them. My family isn't so good. It doesn't even feel like we're family. We're more like a group of strangers who happen to live in the same house. I can't wait to move out and have a family of my own, a proper one.

After school, I just wanna get out of this town. I don't know where I wanna go or what I wanna do, but I don't wanna stay here. It really doesn't feel like I have anything to stay for. Sometimes I honestly consider just throwing some stuff in a rucksack and skipping town. I doubt anyone would miss me if I just left. But I'm not a total idiot. I know I wouldn't survive out in the world without any money or a place to stay. So I'm working harder at school to get my grades up. I've got the brains, I've just never really bothered to use them before. But I figured after school I'd go to college if I can. If not, then I'll get straight into a job.

Then when I've got enough cash saved up I'll get an apartment, find the person I'm supposed to be with, get married and have lots of sex and babies. I know I can be a great dad. I'd be a good husband too if I found the right person.

So tell me about you. What are your dreams? No way am I opening up even more to you without you telling me more about who you are.

You said High School's difficult and life's a challenge and that we could maybe help each other through it. Well I know it sounds corny but I sorta feel like you've made my life more bearable already. I've opened up more to you in two letters than I ever have to anyone.

Anyway, I hope to hear a little more about you in your next letter. Take it easy Winter Babe.

Call me Mischief.

"Mischief." Kurt spoke aloud, his lips forming into a smile. "So you are a guy." He realised happily, the mentioning of Mischief being a good dad and husband acting as confirmation.

Reading over Mischief's letter, Kurt found himself longing to know more and more about his pen-pal. The boy he was writing to clearly had plenty of faults, but Kurt didn't find himself wanting to change him like he would if it was a hideous outfit he didn't approve of. When talking to his girls, Kurt often heard them sigh dreamily over their opinion of a perfect guy. They of course encouraged Kurt to offer his opinions too since he was gay and an honorary girl. He wasn't entirely sure what he was after in a man, but after just two letters Mischief seemed very agreeable as a dating option.

"Steady on Kurt, don't get ahead of yourself," Kurt said sternly. "You have no idea who this boy is and he most probably thinks you're a girl. Get any romantic thoughts out of your head, in fact, don't even let any such notions enter your mind."

Eyes straying to the lower half of the letter, Kurt couldn't help but find hope in the fact Mischief talked about one day finding the right 'person'. He didn't say 'girl' or 'woman', which led Kurt to consider the possibility that maybe his pen-pal was more open-minded than the majority of Meat Heads in Lima.

"Oh dear Gaga." Kurt sighed setting the letter down and reaching for his cell phone so he could call Mercedes. "I'm in trouble." He told her in response to her 'What up?'

"Trouble?" Mercedes repeated. "Did something happen with Finn?" She asked.

"No, I didn't even have a chance to speak to him properly before he left for Quinn's," Kurt told her. "Though he told me and Carole he was heading over to Rachel's. But that's all off topic. I'm afraid there is another issue at hand."

"Are you out of hairspray?" Mercedes asked him.

"Almost actually," Kurt answered with a frown. "But that's not my most pressing dilemma. I just read my second letter from my pen-pal who I can now confirm is a guy."

"Ok, so?" Mercedes prompted.

"And I do believe I'm in danger of developing a crush." Kurt admitted.

"Damn, white boy," Mercedes sighed. "I knew this was going to happen as soon as you refused to swap pen-pals with me. Now listen up, you have no idea who this guy is or what he dresses like, you have to protect your heart baby boy or in a months time you're gonna be selecting the perfect outfit to demonstrate your heartbreak. This dude you're writing to most probably isn't gay; you gotta keep that in mind."

"I know, I know but…" Kurt began but his friend cut him off.

"No buts, you've been down this road before." Mercedes pointed out. "Crushing on a straight guy is only gonna cause you pain. Don't do that to yourself, man. Just try not to get too emotionally involved or attached to this guy."

"You're right 'Cedes," Kurt replied sadly. "I need to be smart about this. I have to listen to the wisdom of my mind and ignore the naïve longing in my heart. Besides, this guy might be the type to shop at the Gap and I couldn't possibly be attracted to someone who wears such clothing."

"Precisely." Mercedes agreed encouragingly. "And I bet this guy isn't good enough for you anyway. He probably has zero talent, bad hair and he can't possibly be as gorgeous as you."

"Thank you 'Cedes, as always you are able to make me feel better with a few simple words." Kurt told her. "In fact, I'm not even going to bother to give this guy a proper reply. I'll just keep things simple and we can discuss school stuff. That way I couldn't possibly risk falling for some mystery guy unable to reciprocate my feelings."

"That's probably for the best Kurt." Mercedes answered sympathetically. "Ooh sorry, wait just a sec…" it was quiet for a while before Kurt heard his friend's voice again. "That's Tina on the other line. She needs to rant about Mike's mum. I'll see you tomorrow, love you."

"Love you too." Kurt replied before hanging up.

Ignoring his own advice and the words from Mercedes, Kurt got to work on scribing a reply letter to Mischief. He knew he was heading in to dangerous waters and more than likely setting himself up for heartache, but he did so anyway. As he wrote, referring back to Mischief's letter every now and then, a small amount of hope still remained that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't end up heartbroken and lonelier than ever by the end of the month.

To Be Continued

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