First off, disclaimer: I'll really need your feedback on this chapter. Believe it or not, but writing a character regretting something is a minefield because too easily it can be interpreted as bashing by readers. I'm honestly trying to stay away from Sam-bashing, while having Sam take her half of responsibility for no relationship between her and Jack, so constructive feedback if I managed it or how I could make it better, is extremely appreciated.

X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

Sam listened attentively

"He accepted my retirement." Jack let out a big breath, saying the next few words for the first time outloud "I'm leaving the Air Force." Strange, they didn't sound so scary anymore "Probably for the last time."

Sam's jaw dropped and her heart stopped ' What!? He's leaving m... the Air Force? '

"I wanted you to be the first to know." his eyes refused to meet hers "And I wanted to tell you in private. It's the least you deserve."

"But... But... Why?" she finally managed to stammer out, feeling faint.

"I.... ah..." he rubbed at the back of his neck uncomfortably "They don't have another host for Kanaan yet, so he's gonna stick around for a while more. And the Tok'ra... well, they made me an offer I really couldn't refuse." he trailed off and winced at the cliche.

Carter was looking up at him with doubt in her eyes. If there was one thing Jack O'Neill was known for, it was the ease of saying 'no' to people who were proposing something to him.

"There's more." she surmissed confidently.

Jack sighed, closing his eyes in defeat. Sure, he and Carter had hardly spent any time together off-duty without Teal'c and Daniel over the years, but she could still read him due to their time as team-mates. The real problem here was, how much to tell without hurting her more than necessary.

"Things... happened." he refused to meet her gaze, knowing he wouldn't be able to continue if he did. Saying it would go against their agreement, but he forced himself to say it, he needed to say it "What you and I have is important to me and always will be, but it's time we move on. We both knew it wouldn't work." he struggled to get the rest out, Carter's growing pain infiltrating the air in the room, making it hard for him to breathe "You'd always be under my command and I would never be ready to retire to just sit at home and wait for you to come home, I would've gone wacko in that kind of life. And if I didn't retire within a year and we went on as before, then sooner or later you'd find a guy your age who would make you hum and you'd forget about me."

She started to protest, but his shaking head quieted her. He was right, her dedication to their silent agreement to wait had always been shaky and uncertain, she'd always been open for better, faster options, Joe Faxon being only one example. Besides, as long as Jack was in the military he would always be above her in rank and with the work they were doing that would always make him her commanding officer. Since she had never been and never would be willing to even entertain the thought of rocking the boat, bringing attention to them and risk slowing down her career by asking Jack's superiors for permission to be with him, as was required in such a case, they would also never be together. While she had always believed he would give up his career for her, if she was being truthful with herself Jack simply didn't belong into the life of a regular pensioner. The SGC wouldn't rehire him as a civilian, the SGC was a military operation and civilians were there only as occasional scientists, support personnel, and with his job Jack needed the authority his rank and status in the military gave him. The only other civilian job he could take was possibly training new personnel in off-world conduct, but even that was a part-time occupation at best, leaving him with simply too much free time on his hands. As he himself had put it, he would go crazy in such a life.

But while he had now retired nonetheless, it wasn't to become a civilian, but to keep on doing his job with the new circumstances, perhaps maybe in an even more exciting and interesting ways than before. The Tok'ra had no rules and guidelines that choked the SGC by tying their hands and forbidding more effective means of combat against the Goa'uld, they didn't have self-serving politicians or military members who wanted to make a career or just money on their account. Well, unless they were Goa'uld spies, of course. Which strangely happened quite a lot...

The SGC was torn between several missions: secure new technologies, fight the Goa'uld, fight Earth-borne enemies, maintain secrecy, maneuver through the politics, defence of the program against politicians, well-meaning or malicious, etc.. While on the other hand the Tok'ra's entire existence was chambered to insure as effective a resistance against the Goa'uld as possible. They took 'any means necessary' to a whole new level.

She knew O'Neill and if he had accepted the Tok'ra's offer then a lot of things had had to be set-up the exact way he liked it and he had to have a lot of freedom to do what he'd been tasked to do. While at the SGC Jack's full effectiveness had been repressed by the rules, but with Tok'ra that wouldn't be so and by the shine in his eyes she saw he couldn't wait.

"Ack!" Jack exclamation brought her out of her ruminations and it brought tears to her eyes noticing his familiar mock stern expression, raised forefinger and the raised eyebrow, knowing this was perhaps the last time she'd see them "Stop thinking. I can hear the cogs from way over here." again he cut off her protest, then became awkward again as he always did when it came to deep conversations "Go. Go out. Get a life, Carter. Find a guy, get married, have kids. Have a life. And enjoy it." he spread his arms wide apart, palms up, gesturing at their surroundings "Stop hiding among these walls and get a life outside them."

He rose and walked to the door, briefly squeezing her shoulder on his way by. Almost to the portal he stopped and instructed her over his shoulder, his sincerity shining through his words with his ultimately-last order "Be happy, Carter." then turned around and left her lab for what was surely the last time.

After Jack left Sam couldn't hold the tears any longer.

She'd lost him, because she'd wasted too much damn time being afraid of the regs and for her career, putting it before her own personal happiness, having believed he would always be standing in the sidelines, waiting until she'd make up her mind. Or until she'd stalled in her career and decided it was finally time for other things. Until now she'd had no idea just how much of her emotional stability had depended on him.

Whether or not she had consciously acknowledged it, she had always held him in reserve as her safe bet and now he was gone, safe bet no longer.

Something in his demeanor told her it was for good and she had a good idea why that was so, even though Jack had denied it.

It had been obvious from the moment they'd met Freya that Jack was attracted to her. Sure, there'd been that huge stumbling block of Freya sharing her body with another person, a snake as he called them, the thing that had discomfitted and put him off, but that was obviously no longer a problem. The best man she'd ever met, the best man who'd ever been interested in her... hell, who'd loved her, and she admitted to herself now that she'd always known his feelings had been that deep, and she'd blown it, all for the sake of her career and her fear of being known as the woman who'd fallen for her CO, abhorring the thought of being known as "Jack's girl", as if it was scandalous, demeaning, for other people to know she was in love. He'd always in one way or another reassured her she still meant everything to him, that he would rather die than live without her, from his invitations to the cabin to small things like bringing her blue jello while she was working. She'd taken his affection and attention for granted, failing to do anything to reassure him his feelings were returned, even the occasional smiles had disappeared during the years, afraid someone would see them and that her career would end because of them. She'd taken him for granted, as simple and awful as that.

And now he was walking off into the event horizon with someone else, while she was being left behind.

Noticing her hand was shaking too much to be able to work and feeling her stomach clench at the thought of being at the SGC, she decided it was finally time to take a few days off and accept her brother's invitation for a visit. Maybe she'd even accept one of those blind dates he always wanted to arrange for her with some of his friends.

But whatever she would do, in the end she would obey her ex-CO and try to be happy.

Reviews are love. The more reviews I get, the more love I feel.