When Jess and the guys sat right before her eyes, explaining what they were thinking of doing, all Sadie could do was stare at them dumbstruck. She didn't know if she wasn't hearing them right or if she simply didn't want to hear them out at all. What they were asking her to do... She didn't have an actual answer for that. Or even just a definition. Crazy? Unethical? They both got close. But they weren't there just yet.
"Ok, let's see if I got this right. You three, each one of you, you want to, to..." she closed her eyes and gulped down a mouthful of saliva. She couldn't say it out loud. It was too crazy. It couldn't be true. It wasn't happening, not to her, and her respectable office. Nope, no way. It was just a bad dream. Because as crazy as those four were... it was impossible for someone to ask her something like that. Even for them.
"Dammit, Sadie! I thought we were both vagenius! How can you not understand something as simple as this? We all want to take our tadpoles, even if, seriously, do you really need Nicholas'? Anyway, Sadie, we want you take our tadpoles, mix all of them together, and then impregnate our beloved Jess here." Schmidt calmly explained, patting Jess' leg like to emphasize his affirmation. He seemed very proud of himself. Knowing him as Sadie did, she was pretty sure those idiots were following his lead with this absurd idea.
"Sadie, just to let you know. That wasn't my idea. And I would never, ever define his... things tadpoles." Jess explained, trying to sound all adult and casual. Too bad Sadie knew her as well as she did. And Jessica Day didn't know how to put casual and sex in the same period. Yet, she seemed to be following their lead. CeCe was right. You could always count on Schmidt to make everything stupid, and everyone doing as he suggested.
Well... with the exception of Nick, if her gut was right. The almost lawyer was showing what she had heard Jess define as a "turtle face", his arms were crossed and he looked very annoyed, almost mad, but every time his gaze lingered a bit more on Jess, his looks softened. It was clear he adored her, actually, according to CeCe, he was way past being a tiny bit in love with the brunette. And if Sadie's instinct was correct, Nick Miller wasn't in disagreement about Jess getting pregnant. He simply didn't want for his room-mates to be involved as well.
"I knew what you wanted, Schmidt. I heard it the first two times you said it out loud. I just hoped that it wouldn't be true if I didn't say it too." She calmly explained, like she was talking with a child. Which, with the man in question, wasn't so far from the truth.
"Oh, I knew it." he tried to explain, but the guy was so uncomfortable it was as clear as crystal it was a lie.
"Anyway, guys... as much as I am sure Jess appreciates your efforts... I fear it's not possible. The ethical guidelines and the law allow us to use the sperm of one donor and one donor alone. I'm sorry Jess, but you have to choose. But... on the bright side, you still have time. You are in no rush. Three years is a long time. You don't have to feel like you have to use the sperm of one of those 3 to get pregnant..."
"Are you kidding, Sadie? Three years is nothing at her age! All Jess can do right now is waiting to get old while every cell in her body is slowly dying of old age..." Schmidt calmly said, with a bright smile, like it was something that any sane, normal person would talk about. "Besides, really? The choice is between beautiful half Jewish kids, and beautiful almost white babies. I'd say, let's use a coin. Like Two-Face in Batman and Robin ."
"JAR, SCHMIDT, JAR! SOMEONE GIMME A JAR! RIGHT NOW!" Nick screamed, jumping on his feet and facing Schmidt with a look that alone could kill. He was way past being mad.
"What? C'mon, Nick, I don't need the jar! I was just saying the truth! You can't really expect to take part in this competition. I mean, look at this side of the desk" he said, all proud, smug and arrogant, indicating with his thumb himself and Winston. "And then look at yourself."
"Yeah, well, guess what? You need a jar right now because you shouldn't talk about me this way when I'm present, and also because you used the word vagenius!"
"Oh, Nick, how silly of you! Of course that I can use "vagenius" in a sentence. It's a neologism. And besides, everybody knows that when even just two people say a word, that word exists. And our beloved Sadie here defined me a vagenius just yesterday, so, yeah Nick, I can use the word vagenius and you can bet I will!" He screamed, standing, just to compose himself immediately afterward, starting with his hair.
"Jess, are you completely sure you want that man to father your child?" Nick asked, going on his knees and patting Jess' hands sweetly. "Remember that the baby will have his genes, all right?"
"Oh, how mature, Nicholas! Playing the Jew card! I thought I knew you, but now I realize that you were just a Nazi. Just like CeCe' s roommate."
"Ehy! I wasn't playing the Jew card! I was actually playing the "you can bet that he can makes everything stupider by just being there" card!"
"Oh, Nick, thanks! There is no need to thank me. You know I will always be there for you."
"IT WASN'T A COMPLIMENT, YOU IDIOT! GO LOOKING FOR A JAR RIGHT NOW!"
"Oh, Nicholas, trust me, I will get a jar in an instant. Sadie?" Schmidt chuckled, smiling of a sick, dazzling smile, offering his hand to Sadie. The doctor sighed, but handled him a small container anyway, like a little Tupperware. Soon enough, other two similar jars followed, discharged on the desk before the two other men.
"The bathroom is the last door on the right. You can ask my secretary for something to...help you out." Sadie explained, gulping down a mouthful of saliva. She felt like she was having a panic attack, and she wasn't even sure why. It wasn't anything new. She had said the same things thousands of times since she had started her job, hell, it was something she had gone through herself too. But there was just something... that made her hyperventilate, about having to discuss these sort of things with the guys.
"Please. I thought you knew that I am a va..."
"DON'T SAY THAT WORD ANY LONGER!" Sadie screamed, her hands on her eyes like to hide the terrible reality. God. One of these days, Schmidt was going to drive her crazy. How did those three manage to live with him? And Nick... he had been living with that... that man for over ten years? Poor soul. She wasn't surprised he wasn't always in his right mind...
"Anyway," she coughed a little, recomposing herself enough to seem a professional. " We will keep your sperm on ice, and conduct few analysis, and then we will decide what... which one of you will be the lucky daddy, all right?"
Sadie clapped her hands, and stood, ready to show them the exit, and all the while, Nick's eyes stood focused on the small jar in his hand. He wondered if he could do something like Jason Bateman in that idiotic movie Jess had forced him to watch with her just a couple of months before. Was it possible to empty Schmidt and Winston's jars and replace the content with... his stuff?
God. Just the thought made him sick.
He ran after Winston and Schmidt, catching up with them when they were entering the bathroom. He pushed them inside, and cornered them. Literally.
"I need you to give up. Now. Tell Jess that you thought things over and you don't feel like being a parent any longer. Or, whatever you want. Just, please, could you give up?"
"What? Sorry man, but I want Jess to have our beautiful babies..."
"WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, WINSTON? I THINK YOU SHOULD ALLOW ME TO HAVE JESS' BEAUTIFUL BABIES!"
"I don't know, Nicholas. I fear that, despite Jess being the mother, any child of yours could have the potential to be, well, like you. I fear that not even Cecilia could work such a miracle."
"JAR!" he screamed, deciding, at the last minute, to beg. "In the name of the no nail oath... let me do this. If I can't have her... and, I know I don't deserve her, ok? But... please. Just give me this."
Schmidt and Winston exchanged a look, and their decision was made.
