Chapter 4
Kale woke up from a nap that afternoon when the doorbell rang. He walked down the stairs, and opened the door, only to be shocked at the sight of something on fire that was sitting on his porch.
"Shit!" He stepped on it until the flames were extinguished, but his foot slid, and he realized that he was standing in a steaming pile... of dog shit.
There were two boys on bikes laughing hysterically and slapping each other high five.
"I bet you think that's real funny!" He yelled at them as he walked down the steps.
"Aww, what are you gonna do? Kill us like you killed your teacher?!"
"Not before I shove my foot and this shit back up your asses!" He ran across the yard, then down the driveway as fast as he could after the kids who were pedaling as fast as their little legs would take them.
"Dude, you said he couldn't leave his house!"
"He can't!"
"Oh shit..." Kale muttered as he stopped dead in the middle of running. He started to run back, hearing the beeping on his ankle bracelet, which just made him run faster.
He threw himself on the ground and rolled around frantically, while his neighbors looked at him in worry that he was some crazy person. Well, they already knew he was somewhat crazy because he had slugged his teacher. Word traveled fast in that neighborhood, and every mother had warned their children to stay away from Kale Brecht because he was a violent psychopath.
Lina heard sirens from up in her room and she dropped the phone, which she had been using to talk to Tony, and ran downstairs and out the front door. She stopped dead before she stepped in the dog shit that was smeared on her front porch, and almost started laughing when she saw Kale lying on the lawn, but her smile quickly faded when she saw two cops get out of the car.
"Shit..." She hopped over the dog shit and ran onto the lawn.
"They put shit on my stairs!" Kale was protesting," I wasn't trying to go anywhere, officers, but these two kids put shit on my stairs!"
"On the ground! Hands behind your head."
"Guiterrez..." Lina read, and she quickly walked over to Kale.
"Young lady, you need to step away from him."
"I'm his sister, man!" Lina got down on her knees beside Kale, and said," Way to go, jackass!"
"The cop is my teacher's cousin, don't you think that's a conflict of interest?!" Kale asked his payroll officer over the phone.
"He didn't take you away, did he?"
"No." Kale admitted grudgingly.
"That's because first times happen. But the next time, you'll be back in front of a judge, do you understand?"
"Yeah." He hung up and dropped the phone to the floor before flopping himself on his bed in frustration. First, he steps in flaming dog shit, now he had to sit and deal with Lina's jackass boyfriend Tony. Today was a great day already.
"Alright, alright, break it up." Kale ordered as he came into the living room to find Lina and Tony on the couch making out madly.
"Kale!" Lina whined as she jumped off of Tony.
"What the fuck, man?" Tony asked as he sat up too.
"This is the living room. If you guys are gonna slobber all over each other, I suggest you go somewhere else. It's nasty." He told them, knowing that he was jumping on both of their nerves," And..." He randomly punched in a channel that would take him to HBO," I'm trying to watch..." He saw what had come up and he rolled his eyes; this was his luck," Brokeback Mountain."
"Ok, queer." Tony replied as he pulled Lina off the couch," You know, I didn't think someone who tries to pass themselves off as a teacher-slugging badass would be a fucking fag."
"Ok, Anthony." Kale replied uncaringly, trying not to laugh out loud as he acted like he was really into the movie," Now skedaddle, I'm trying to watch this."
"God, you're so gay." Tony replied, laughing nastily," Dude, Lina, why didn't you tell me your brother was a queer?"
"This is beautiful." Kale
said, making his voice sound choked up and about to break,"
Lina, where are the tissues?"
Lina rolled her eyes and took
Tony's hand and put it around her waist," Shut up, Kale."
As they were walking away, she heard Lina ask," Why do you have to be such a dick, Tony?"
Once they were gone, Kale began flipping through channels. He turned his head when he saw a figure move out of the corner of his eye. He looked, and it was the girl who had just moved in next door. He jumped up and ran to the window. In his excitement, he accidentally banged against it. She turned her head, and he ducked down instinctively.
"Shit, shit, shit, shit... so fucking graceful, Kale. Great job..." He scolded himself quietly. He jumped a foot off the ground when the doorbell rang suddenly.
"GET IT, KALE!" Lina's voice screamed from upstairs. She was using that bratty tone that she always used when she was around Tony. Kale walked to the door, and opened it to find that Ronnie was standing there.
"Hola, Senor Brecht!" He exclaimed girlishly.
"RON-O!" They hugged quickly," What's going on, man?!'
"Nothing. Have you been... showering?"
"What do you mean, have I been showering?"
"Have some macadamias..." Ronnie handed Kale a jar of nuts and Kale laughed slightly.
"This is all you got me, some stupid nuts?"
"Where's Lina?" Ronnie asked.
"Upstairs with dickhead..." He stopped when he saw Lina bouncing down the steps.
"Ronnie!" She exclaimed as she jumped into his arms. He spun her around, and she kissed his cheek," How was your trip, man?"
"Oh, it was awesome. This Hawaiian chick... with some huge coconuts, if you know what I'm sayin'..." He and Kale pounded their fists together and Lina rolled her eyes.
"Woman-in-room. Please keep conversation unisex." Lina said," God, you two are such guys."
"And you're such a girl." Ronnie responded and Lina punched him hard in the arm, to which he winced.
"And you're such a pussy. Anyhoo, finish your story."
Lina went into the living room, and sat down on the couch and Kale and Ronnie followed her.
"So she taught me how to say..." Ronnie said something in Hawaiian in an overly-sexy voice, and Lina and Kale both laughed hysterically.
"What does that mean?" Kale asked.
"I don't know, but I'm thinking it was some kind of Hawaiian mating call."
"You're lying." Lina giggled as she rolled her eyes at how hormone-driven her brother's best friend was.
"Am not!" Ronnie protested," I resent that, Angelina."
"Oh, Ronnie, I've got somethign to show you. Actually, Lina, you haven't seen this either."
"What? Did Mom hide booze in the house again? Did you find it? What kind?" Lina asked quickly in a soft, mischevious whisper.
Ronnie and Kale both looked at her with furrowed eyebrows and mouths agape; Where the hell had that come from?
"What? I'm a teenager, I like booze." She rolled her eyes and started the walk up the steps, with Kale and Ronnie at her heels. They passed Tony, who in his quick run for the door had thrown on his shirt backwards.
"Peace, Lina."
"Peace, Tony."
Ronnie and Kale looked at each other in complete and utter confusion; they had been dating for a year and that's all they did when one left? Tony slapped Lina's ass, and Kale turned around quickly, about to say something, but Lina stopped him by grabbing his arm and pulling him the rest of the way up the stairs.
"Whoa, Lene... I thought you and dickhead were dating?" Ronnie asked as they heard the door close.
"What?" Lina asked, smiling gigantically at how naeve he was," Are you kidding me? Tony and me... together?!" She laughed somewhat hysterically and said," Earmuff it, Kale." Of course, Kale didn't but he wished that he had after what his sister spat out next," Tony and I are just fuck-buddies, that's all. We have been for like, over a year. God, you two are behind on your gossip."
"You and Tony were never dating? But... you were always waiting for him to call you..."
"So he could come over and..."
"Oh... my... God." Ronnie pointed at the structure Kale had made out of about three boxes of Twinkie's," You made the Tower of Twinkie... is that in the stalker's handbook?"
"I'm not a stalker, Ronald, I'm just making simple observations. The inevitable side effects of chronic boredom."
"Find your passion, Kale." Ronnie chuckled as he and Lina looked at each other and made crazy faces while pointing at Kale.
"Ok, check this out." Kale grabbed his binoculars and handed them to Ronnie," Right over there. I'm telling you, Lina, I can't believe we never noticed this."
"What?" Lina asked, peering out the window at every detail of the neighborhood that was visible to her," I don't see anything."
"Guys, there is an entire world outside this window."
Mrs. Pilch... Everyday, she goes to the country club to pay tennis with Betty Big-Bangs over there."
"Ooh..." Ronnie said," Do you think those are silicone or saline?"
"You're such an ass, Ronald." Lina muttered to herself as she flipped through a Sports Illustrated because it was way more interesting than looking out the window at their neighbors who never did anything.
"She waves goodbye to Linda, the maid, who has a tittie tat."
Ronnie was suddenly more interested as he turned around to see the maid shaking out rugs over the balcony of the second story.
"The ladies disappear..." Kale continued narrating," Que Mr. Pilch getting home from work. Watch, watch."
"Oh shit!" Lina laughed as she hit the couch in excitement," No fucking way!" The maid and Mr. Pilch were throwing each other's clothes off and kissing passionately," Now we know why Mr. Pilch bought the maid a Porsche for her birthday. And I'll bet you anything that Tiffany's bracelet that she's wearing is from him too."
"That is most likely a bet you'd win, sister." Kale told her as they all went into Daniel's study.
"Are these the little shits that put the flaming shit on your porch?" Kale asked.
"Yeah. Haven't thought of a retaliation yet, but I'm working on it."
"Hmm... the runt is mine." Ronnie proclaimed before he followed Kale and Lina back into Kale's room. This time, they went to the opposite window on the other side of the room. They went to the window on the right side of the room, and saw an older man mowing his lawn.
"That's Robert Turner. He mows his lawn twice a day. Other than that I don't really see him."
"What was that?" Ronnie asked when he heard splashing.
He looked and saw Ashley, the girl Lina had been talking to, swimming in her pool.
"Oh my God..." He whispered," Who is that?"
"Her name is Ashley, and she's a living, breathing human being not a piece of meat, so don't try to pass her around like she is one." Lina warned them as she picked up an XBox controller and began playing.
"Come on, Lina, we're not like that! Unlike Tony..." Kale added.
"Oh, stop with Tony. I have
hormones too, you know!"
"No. New rule... you're only
allowed to play with Barbies until you're thirty. No more guys."
Ronnie told her.
"Aww, is that your attempt at being protective? Don't smother me."
"I've got to talk to her." Kale told Ronnie, so low that Lina couldn't hear even though she was staining to listen while pretending to ignore them.
"What's stopping you?"
Kale looked down at his bracelet, and said," What do you think's stopping me?"
