Chapter 4 – The light at the end of the tunnel is a Fire Atronach

"They're here Master."

"Sithis give me strength, Ocheeva. I'm going to need more than a bottle of mead to get through this day."

"Do you want them all together or one by one?"

"I don't think I could handle five estate agents all at once, one at a time please, dear child….and child?"

"Yes Master?"

"Have the Cyrodilic Brandy on stand by!"

5 MINUTES LATER

"Aaaaaaaaaaahrrrrrrrr Aaaaaaaaaaahrrrrrrrr Aaaaaaaaaaahrrrrrrrr. Me laddy."

"Ah-haha-ah, indeed. So Mr. Filch, you are the first mate of the Sea Tub Clarabella and what makes you think your ship would be a good place for a Dark Brotherhood sanctuary?"

"Aharrr, me lord. If you can put up with the smell of sheep then she be a fine place to rest your weary head at the end of a hard day. Can we shake on it?"

"Well, my child. I have other prospects to see…"

"Ahh-harr. You have a little girl's hand me lord. I'll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor in a storm."

"Yes, well you have me there."

"Ha ha ha. –Aah! You've a little girl's skin milord. I'll wager it ne'er felt the lash of a cat o' nine tails, been rubbed with salt, and then flayed off by a pirate chief to make fine stockings for the best cabin boy."

"Mmm, how canny. I don't know how you do it Filch but you're right again."

"Why should I let a lil nix hound pup like ye aboard me tub?"

"Perhaps for the staggering amount of gold in my purse, child."

"Ha. –Aah! You have a lil girl's purse milord! I'll wager that purse has ne'er been used as a rowing boat and had sixteen ship-wrecked mariners all tossing around inside of it."

"Yes, Filch. Right again, I can see when it comes to tales of courage I'm going to have to keep my mouth closed around you."

"Oh, -aah! You have a lil girl's mouth milord! I'll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship to escape a family of sea dreugh!"

"Yes, dear child. I must say when I was interested in purchasing your ship I had no idea I was going to have to eat it as well and since you're clearly as mad as a Spriggan I'll bid you a good day and safe journey to your next harbour."

"Next harbour, milord?"

"Yes, your next har….I was under the impression that if pirates were to be successful they had to travel from harbour to harbour and not stay docked all the time."

"Opinion is divided on the matter, milord. All the other Captains think that it is, my Captain thinks that its not."

"Yes, of course he does….NEXT!"

5 MINUTES AND A BOTTLE OF MEAD LATER

"But I have to tell you Mr. LaChance that I've had an encouraging nibble from another potential buyer and I'm not the sort of man to ignore a nibble for long!"

"Yes, of course Mr. Fafnir. I am aware of Summitmist Manor in Skingrad, an ex…. acquaintance of mine spent some time there."

"Oh well, yes of course. I can assure you the bodies and blood will be cleared before any prospective buyer will move in."

"Mmm, my acquaintance also mentioned dry rot throughout the manor."

"Well, Mr. LaChane dry rot is what dry rot does. Stop me if I'm getting too technical."

"And the floor, from what I've gathered is a little uneven."

"Indeed, yes Sir, and at no extra cost!"

"Strange smell, I've been informed."

"Aye, that would be the bodies again but there's rumours of gold locked in a hidden chest somewhere within the house. My, my Mr. LaChance, you've really worked out some banter haven't you?"

"Not really Mr. Fafnir, this is a different thing, its spontaneous and its called wit."

"Is there anything else you would like to know?"

"Tell me about the privies."

"When the master craftsman who created this home was looking at the sewage he said to himself 'Ploppy,' for t'was his name. 'Ploppy, lets make them functional and comfortable.'"

"Uh-huh."

"Erm…well, what we're talking about in, erm, privy terms is the latest in front wall, fresh air orifices, combined with a wide capacity gutter installation below."

"You mean you crap out of the window."

"Yes."

"NEXT!"

5 MINUTES, A BOTTLE OF MEAD AND A TRIP TO THE PRIVY LATER

"Morrowind?"

"Yes, Mr. LaChance. We've found an excellent…ah…location."

"I'm not sure that Morrowind would be ideal Mr. Deloth, and you say it's big enough for our needs?"

"Oh yes, you could say that its an ever expanding building!"

"It's a bloody mushroom, isn't it?"

"Yes I admit that the building is a mushroom but there's been a lot of change in perspective towards them recently. They come with their own Dwemner sentries!"

"Dwemner sentries?"

"Yes indeed Mr. LaChance, you can have your choice of a crossbow sentry of a spear sentry. They can be ordered to….."

"Excuse me Mr. Deloth but what in Oblivion are you talking about? What is a crossbow or spear?"

"Well they're weap…."

"Forget it, forget it, FORGET IT! Mushrooms, mechanical sentries, make believe weapons. You are living in a fantasy world Mr. Deloth."

"Eh….well, yes I am, aren't you?."

"NEXT!"

5 MINUTES AND A BURIED ESTATE AGENT LATER

"Hello Master."

"Ocheeva, I have to admit that was most satisfying."

"Yes Master."

"Burying estate agents has got to be my all time number one hobby. Who's left?"

"There are still two waiting to present to you Master, I have to be honest though. One of them has Powerpaint presentation with him."

"Well that really is a pity, child because you're just going to have to sit in for me on that one. I would rather be strung up upside down and skinned alive by the Black Hand than sit through a Powerpaint presentation."

"It may not be necessary at all Master, this came for you this afternoon. It's the last will and testament of your Silencer…..he's left everything to you. Including a 'vile lair' on the south shore of Cyrodil."

"A vile lair?"

"Yes Master, according to the paperwork it comes with a dungeon, library, grove, garden, alchemy area…"

"Mmmm, yes thank you child. I think I'm getting the picture. Lets bury the rest of the estate agents and take a little trip down south of the country. This all seems very promising."

"What about the Adoring Fan, Master? He'll get in eventually!"

"Mmm, yes dear child. I have spent some time thinking on that and I believe a note explaining we've all gone off to explore a mysterious door should suffice."

"A mysterious door?"

"Lets see how well our Fan gets on in the Shivering Isles."