Ch. 4

I woke up at Cat's house realizing what I thought was reality was actually a dream. Tori and I cuddling on the couch and watching "How to Loose a Guy in Ten Days" never happened. Me holding Tori all night never happened. Me kissing my angel didn't happen either. Why are dreams better than reality for me? Why can't I ever win? "Cat what happened last night? Why am I at your house? What's going on?" I slowly began to notice the throbbing pain in my head. Was I drinking last night? "You had a few beers and we made out a lot Beck... A lot!" Oh great... the reality was semi- real it was with her. "But don't worry about it Beck I told you to come over. Especially after your incident with Tori toying with you like that. Beck sometimes I wish we were back together-you are so sweet and I can't help but miss you sometimes. When you come over and we make out- I know its cause you need a release but those can be my favorite moments. I like that we live close by and that you tell me everything. I am glad we are best friends Beck." I looked down at Cat knowing she wasn't Tori- but realizing she was the women I always ended up with when something went wrong. Suddenly my heart began to pound after what she just said to me- I usually get feelings like this when Tori passes by. But here Cat is- in front of me this other beautiful women telling me she misses me. I am a lucky guy to have any beautiful woman want me. I recalled a night with Cat back in high school, "Promise me Beck that if you and I don't find someone to be with before we are 30 that we will end up together." I remember agreeing to that promise and realize that my life seemed to be headed in that direction. I then remind Cat of this and she smiles. "Aww Beck- ha-ha if only that were true." I know Cat has feelings for me- and maybe I have some feelings towards her. If Tori and I don't work out I will be with Cat. "Cat I was wondering instead of before we turn 30 how about we change it to 25?" Cat laughed- "You are close to 25 now Beck!" "Yeah I know but I am tired of being alone." "You were never alone Beck. I was always in front of you. I know I am not Tori- but if you ever want a woman to love you I will be here for you Beck." Suddenly my heart was pounding heavily in my chest- why is it doing that!? It's as if all the feelings I was having for Tori were all present for Cat. Did I like Cat this whole time? I truly don't deserve a woman like Cat- she was willing to give me a physical release because I loved another woman. She probably feels a bit toyed with herself. Cat then laid her head on my chest and heard the pounding against my rib cage. I have never had feelings toward Cat like this- like a tidal wave hitting me. "Beck, are you okay?" Of course I am not okay Cat- you are sending my feelings into orbit and I don't know why. And without thinking I start to pull her in and she blushes. She really loves me this beautiful red haired angel. Tori- Tori who? Tori disappears from my thoughts and all I am thinking about is Cat. I begin to smell her hair and realize when I imagined how Tori smelled it was Cat this whole time. That familiar scent of my best friend- that feminine smell all wrapped up in my memory. It belonged to Cat how did I not realize this sooner. I turned her around slowly and looked at her as if it were for the first time. Usually when I make out with Cat it's this rushed process. Not this time I am going to find out if I am in love with Cat. "Beck why are you looking at me like that?" My heart is in my ears as she is speaking. My entire being is tuned into everything that is Cat. "I... Think... I..." She knows where this is going and before I can say anything Cat opens her mouth and I open mine. Her lips taste so sweet and are nice and soft. Just how I imagined Tori's lips. Everything I pictured about Tori came from Cat- the familiarity with Cat is unreal. My heart is flying and I feel freedom in my chest. My stomach has a farm of butterflies inside. I now realize the truth that I have loved Cat this whole time. My best friend- my little red haired friend. With her hands perfectly fitting in mine. I put my tongue in her mouth for the first time. You would think that two people who make out regularly would have done this by now but we never have. Pure ecstasy was how I felt right now. Our tongues brushing on each other like that was breath taking. I picked Cat up and lay her on the couch. I always promised Cat that I wouldn't have sex with her without her permission. But right now I want her. I want to have sex with Cat- I have never thought about Cat in this way. "Beck, can we slow down?" She wants to slow down- I know I should stop and respect her but I want to keep going. I want to open my new Christmas present slowly and see the beauty that hides behind those clothes. "Sure baby... We can slow down!" Is what I manage to say. "What did you just say Beck? You just called me baby." "I know I did. Sorry... I think I need to sit down..." "No Beck stay where you are- I love having you on top of me." She had tears in her eyes- and her head was on my chest again. "Why is your heart pounding Beck? I am not Tori." I had to tell her the truth. "I... When I imagined Tori or me with Tori I didn't realize the smells and touch I was picturing came from somewhere. It came from you Cat... The way I thought Tori smelled is how you smell. The way I thought she would kiss me is how you kiss me! Cat I may have had feelings for...you this whole ..." I couldn't finish my sentence not now while I was still figuring out if it were true or not. "Beck, what's happening?" The truth is I don't even know but I know Cat needs an answer. I just know I am a man who is in love with Cat- wait there it is the truth. I am in love with Cat- her beautiful big emerald eyes staring up at me. Her wet lips inviting me in for more. Instead of answer her I just rest my forehead on hers and brush our noses together. I place my hand on her back and feel the skin by her lower spine. It's the softest surface I have ever touched. "Beck, what are you doing?" "I am going to make love to you." Is what I say out loud. "Beck do you hear yourself? You want to make love now? We aren't even in love Beck." Cat doesn't understand this yet but I am in love with her and have been without knowing it. "Cat don't you get it? I thought I loved Tori but this whole time it has been you. I just didn't realize it until today." She listens to my heart pound as I am saying this to confirm I am not lying. She smiles at me and I tilt her back on the couch. We start making out again and the goose bumps fill my entire body. She makes fun of me a little, "ha-ha I give you goose bumps!" She knows I am a virgin and I know she is one. So when I told her I want to make love she was surprised. "Beck I am not quite ready for sex yet." She confesses. "That's alright. Let me know when you are ready. "I slide my hand up and down her back. I feel her skin forming bumps all over -she is having chills from me descend up and down her spine. I can't help but want to touch her more and more. How did I not realize Cat had been my women this whole time? "Beck, what are we doing? I mean why do you love on me? I am so confused right now. I thought I was your physical release. I'm not your girlfriend." "But Cat you just said if I ever want a woman to love on me you would be there. What if I want you Cat? Why can't I want my best friend?" I don't get women seriously they want me one minute and don't want me the next. "Sorry Beck I can't keep up. You want Tori and now you want me. How am I supposed to feel about this? How do I know it's not the alcohol talking?" It's not Cat- at least I don't think it is I think to myself. "Go home Beck, I need some space. I think we should stop before we regret anything." I suppose this request is fair- clearing my head seems to be a good idea. I shouldn't force myself on Cat. "Cat I am sorry if I just came across as an ass." She smiles with that big grin of hers. "Oh Beck you can never be an ass and don't worry we are still friends in the morning!" I left her house feeling disappointed and yet very mad at myself for not kissing her good bye.