Thanks everyone for your comments! I'll admit that I'm having a shit of a week and didn't get back to everyone personally, but I'm so glad you're enjoying this fic! *hugs*

Characters/pairing: Remus/Sirius, mentions of Lily/James, hinted Peter/Alice
Warnings/Notes: graphic sexual situations, language, non-magical AU. Written for the lupinbigbang. Thank you to my Beta, dogunderfoot for her advice, encouragement and for supplying commas.


Sirius winced as his voice went flat for the third time in the same song and held up his hand.

'Okay, stop!' he called over the music and it quickly petered out. He couldn't look at the others, instead just lifting his guitar so he could duck out from under the strap then placing it carefully in its case. 'Let's take a break, yeah? My voice is getting a little strained.'

He heard the clatter of Lily's drumsticks and the electronic whine of Peter's keyboard as they switched off and left the stage. He sat on the edge of the built up platform, staring vacantly out over the mostly empty stadium. The footfalls behind him were unmistakably James', and Sirius closed his eyes as his friend sat down beside him.

They were both silent for almost a minute before James murmured softly, 'You know that if you've had enough, we would understand.'

Sirius' eyes snapped open, and he twisted to stare at James. 'What?'

James waved his hand to encompass the stadium, the stage, and the scurrying stagehands and technicians. 'If you're tired of all this,' James explained, 'we would understand and we would all call it a day.'

'You… you'd all give this up if I wasn't happy?' Sirius whispered, the words squeezing past the large lump in his throat at the reminder of how much James cared for him. 'You'd give it all up for me?'

James made a hissing sound and bumped his shoulder against Sirius'. 'You are a bloody git,' he said affectionately. 'We started this together, and we finish it the same way. If one of us wants out, the band says goodbye.'

He shook his head, huffing out a sound of amusement. 'You are a prat if you think we'd want you to be miserable just so we can keep this going. I mean, yeah, it's fun, we do some good for charity and we make people smile just by doing something we love...'

'Don't forget the money,' Sirius mumbled, head bowed, and James snorted.

'The money was an unexpected bonus,' he said with a grin then he looked at Sirius' drawn face and sobered. 'Sirius, remember that night Alice got us signed to the record label, and we got absolutely ratted on that nasty fucking wine Lily had in her fridge?'

Sirius smiled a genuine smile and nodded. 'That was a damn good night,' he said reminiscently.

James murmured an agreement. 'Well, we said that night that if it looked like any of us were getting lost in the fame or the money or all the shit that comes with this life that we would call it a day.' He cleared his throat. 'So, this is me asking you if you are getting lost.'

Sirius breathed in deeply through his nose, raising his head to look out over the stadium. 'I don't know,' he admitted, kicking his feet against the stage. 'I… I think it's this thing with Lupin starting tomorrow. I feel like I'm losing control, James. I feel like he's trying to take the last bit of me that was just mine, and I won't know myself if he takes that away.'

'He doesn't want to take it away, he just wants everyone else to see what we see – a decent bloke with an odd sense of humour and an unhealthy obsession with leather pants ,' James said soothingly. 'Mate, it's not healthy to keep yourself so closed off from other people. If you'd just show them the real you, let them in on some of those secrets…'

'They'd use it against me,' Sirius said abruptly, his jaw tensing. 'You saw what happened to that kid… what's his name? Weasley? Bill Weasley? You saw how the press fucking ate him alive when he came out. You saw how they just dug and dug into his personal life, finding every bloody skeleton, every bird or bloke he'd ever shagged, all his family problems. They ran story after story on him until he had a breakdown. He's not been able to record since and you've heard the rumours that his label's going to drop him.' He shook his head emphatically. 'That is what happens when you tell your secrets.'

'You're stronger than that, Sirius. You've got us.'

'Do I?' Sirius said, tilting his head and looking at James. 'What if I can't write? What if I can't compose? Where do we get our new material? You? Peter? God, we nearly pissed ourselves laughing at Lily's last attempt at a lyric…'

'It wouldn't happen.'

'It might!' Sirius ran a hand through his hair restlessly. 'If I start giving them pieces of me, they won't stop until they've consumed me, James. I know it. Then there will be nothing left. No lyrics and no music and then they may as well just fucking kill me because I sure as hell don't want to live my life that way. I gave up everything for this!'

James sighed. 'Don't you think you're being slightly melodramatic?' he asked, a touch of impatience in his voice now. 'Sirius, if you were like this with just the press, we all wouldn't be so worried. But you do this with anyone who gets close to you. I know that you think if you show anyone yourself that will somehow taint your ability to write, but did you ever think that it might actually help?'

Sirius frowned at him, and James made a face. 'Don't look at me like that…' he said sternly. 'You can't keep secrets from me. I know you've been struggling more and more lately, and not just with this publicity stuff, but with your writing as well. 'You write what you know'. Isn't that what we were always told? Well, right now, all you know is loneliness and misery and bloody paranoia. Maybe letting someone into your life would help you find some new inspiration.'

'Or they could hurt me so badly that I'll never be inspired again,' Sirius said darkly.

James worried his lip with his teeth then said in a gentle tone, 'Not everyone is out to hurt you like they did, Sirius. It's not always going to come down to that choice.'

Sirius almost bit clear through his tongue in an attempt not to yell at his friend for touching on forbidden subjects. 'I'd rather not take the chance.'

James groaned in defeat. 'You are so bloody stubborn,' he complained, kicking Sirius in the shin a bit too hard to be playful. 'One day you are going to meet someone fantastic and you'll drive them away because you won't let them in.'

'Harbinger of doom,' Sirius said with a faint smile, and James chuckled resignedly.

'Just promise me that if you are… feeling lost, that you'll tell me. Please?'

Sirius nodded, biting his lip as gratitude threatened to overwhelm him. 'I promise,' he whispered then he groped for James' hand and gave his fingers a quick squeeze. 'Thank you.'

'And don't worry about this thing with Lupin,' James said, tightening his own fingers reciprocally. 'We're all here if you need back up, and you've read Lupin's work. He's good, and he's not a sensationalist. I don't think he's after some massive expose.'

Sirius shrugged in indecision, and James grinned suddenly. 'And he's pretty hot as well,' he added. 'At least you'll have something new and pretty to look at for a few days.'

Sirius chuckled and nodded, his spirits lifting. He inhaled deeply then smiled when he saw Lily and Peter walking up the ramp to the stage, arguing over which cup they held contained Diet Coke and which was plain Coke. Lily rolled her eyes in exasperation then handed the drinks out before plonking herself down beside Sirius.

'Everything good here?' she asked, eyes shifting from Sirius to James, and Sirius nodded again.

'Everything is fine,' he assured her, taking a sip of the drink then making a face. 'Ew!'

Peter, sinking down next to James made a triumphant noise and pointed a finger at Lily. 'I told you that was Coke!' He held out his own drink and Sirius swapped. Peter took a sip of his drink and sighed happily. 'Ah, sugar and caffeine… I'm in heaven.'

'All that sugar is not good for you,' Sirius warned, taking a gulp of his drink and feeling the caffeine kick almost immediately. 'You will never be able to borrow my leather pants if you drink that stuff.'

James snorted and made a wide load joke, all four of them pushing and teasing, and some of Sirius' nerves and panic over meeting Lupin the next day eased.


Remus frowned at his reflection in the mirrored walls of the lift. It was early in the morning; much earlier than he liked to be conscious, but The Marauders had a morning radio interview to get to. He yawned widely and reached up to smooth some errant strands of hair before he ran a hand over the front of his new t-shirt. The other hand was holding tight to a dress bag and duffel containing a few changes of outfits. He'd splashed out on some new clothes, not wanting to stand out like a sore thumb as he shadowed Sirius and his entourage, or to experience that feeling of not being good enough that he'd felt last time he was in Sirius' suite.

The doors of the lift opened, and Remus walked right into Alice Longbottom as he exited. He gasped in surprise and grabbed hold of the blonde's upper arms to steady them both, dropping his baggage in the process.

'Sorry,' he said quickly once they were both stable enough for him to let go. 'I didn't expect…'

'Well, that will be the last time,' she said, ignoring his apology and spinning on one of her dangerously high heels as she beckoned for him to follow. 'Nothing is unplanned or unexpected here.'

She stopped suddenly and watched over her shoulder as Remus scooped up his bag and duffel and hurried after her. 'Except for you, of course.'

She didn't look thrilled about the disruption Remus had provided to her routine and again, he felt like he was being admonished without her having to say a word in reprimand. He opened his mouth to respond, but she was already walking in short, fast steps towards Sirius' suite.

'As you know, Sirius has a radio interview to get to this morning. Ms Evans - and you will address her as Ms Evans unless she gives you permission otherwise - will be accompanying him.' She stopped in front of the suite door and ran her gaze from his head to his toes. 'Well, you are more appropriately dressed today.'

Remus felt his shoulders stiffen defensively. 'Not everyone can afford designer labels, Ms Longbottom,' he said through gritted teeth. 'Nor do they necessarily care to.'

She arched a perfectly plucked eyebrow as she peered at him. 'I don't care whose name is on the tag hidden under your shirt, Mr. Lupin,' she said coolly. 'I do, however, care about neatness and tidiness, and your attire in the dining room last week was neither.'

Remus recalled his shabby clothes (he thought he may have slept in the t-shirt) and forced out the most genuine smile he could summon. 'I hope I continue to meet with your approval.'

'I'm sure you will!' she trilled brightly before she turned and rapped on the door, leaving Remus feeling a little dizzy from the rapid change in mood.

The door opened and auburn-haired Lily Evans peeked out, smiling when she saw Remus. 'Oh, you're here! Good, we were worried you were going to miss the car.'

She kissed Alice's offered cheek as the older woman entered the room then held out her hand to Remus. 'I'm Lily,' she said with a wide smile that, to Remus' surprise, went all the way to her eyes. 'Nice to meet you, Mr. Lupin.'

'Er, it's Remus,' he stammered, juggling his bags so he could free his hand to take hers. 'Pleased to meet you, Ms Evans.'

'God, call me Lily, please,' she insisted, screwing up her nose. 'The others will never let me live it down if you call me Ms Evans in front of them.'

Keeping hold of his hand, she pulled him inside the hall and shut the door behind them.

'I… I have to admit,' Remus said tentatively, 'that I didn't expect a very warm welcome.'

Lily laughed and took his duffel from him before Remus could object. 'Well, your methods of obtaining an interview are certainly unorthodox and perhaps a bit questionable, Remus, but you're here now and we are going to try and make this as easy for Sir… everyone as possible.'

He caught her slip, but, although his curiosity was piqued, didn't say anything as she led him into the living area. The curtains were open and, once again, he was left a little breathless by the view.

'I think Alice has organized some rooms for you on the floor below, but I'm sure Sirius wouldn't mind you leaving your things in his spare room for now,' said Lily, her voice coloured with amusement. 'You'll be spending some time here, after all.'

Remus tore his eyes from the window and nodded. 'Thank you, Lily,' he said, taking his duffel from her. 'If you'll just point me in the right direction…'

She indicated a short hall off to the left. 'Spare room that way,' she said then lifted her chin towards the right. 'Sirius' room is at the opposite end and Pete's is on the other side of the suite.' She grinned broadly. 'They toss a coin to see who gets the master bedroom at each new hotel and Pete won the toss this time.'

'They share?' Remus asked, both disappointed and a little relieved that he would not be entirely alone with Sirius.

'Yeah, they always ended up bunking down in one room anyway so it saves a little money. These hotel stays are just like one big party for those boys,' she said, obviously struggling not to roll her eyes. 'You'd think they were seventeen again.' She waved her hand towards the spare room. 'Off you go then.'

Remus smiled then quickly found the room. After a quick glance around confirmed that it was just as lushly laid out as the rest of the suite, he hung his clothes then wandered over to the window to admire the view and compose himself. As he'd told Lily, his welcome from the young woman had startled him. He'd been expecting the other band members to be resentful or combative, not helpful and sweet.

Don't get carried away, Remus. You've still got Potter and Pettigrew to meet, not to mention Sirius himself.

Remus considered Lily's earlier gaffe. She'd been about to say Sirius' name, but had abruptly cut herself off and attempted to cover her slip. He felt a trickle of guilt and frowned down at early morning London. Was it really that difficult for Sirius to talk about his life? And if so, why? Remus scoured his memory, trying to recall anything he'd read about Sirius' past to see if it would give him a clue, but most of it was fairly ordinary stuff. Remus couldn't help the little smile of excitement that curved his lips. He enjoyed puzzles and had a feeling that piecing Sirius Black together was going to be one hell of a challenge.

'We should get going.'

Remus spun around fast, almost stumbling back against the window as he did. Sirius was leaning against the doorway watching Remus, his lips twisted in amusement. 'Jumpy, aren't you?' he said with a smirk then pushed himself off the door frame. 'Come on then. Lily dragged Pete and James out of bed early so they can meet you before we leave.'

'I didn't ask her to do that,' Remus protested, moving across the room, and Sirius let out a bark of laughter.

'No, that's just Lily,' he said in a fond tone. 'She is determined that everyone will be friends, and no one dares to say no to her. I think the last bloke to try it went missing in mysterious circumstances.'

He suddenly looked alarmed and stared wide-eyed at Remus. 'You know that's a joke, right?' he asked worriedly, and Remus grimaced.

'I do have a sense of humour,' he said wearily. 'Look, Si… Mr. Black…'

'Oh, fuck that. You call me Sirius or nothing at all,' Sirius said quickly and emphatically, his look of alarm deepening.

Remus was surprised by the reaction and made a mental note to further investigate at a later time. 'Fine. Sirius,' he said. 'I know you don't like me or my methods, but this would probably go a lot quicker and smoother if you just relax. I know a joke when I hear it; I'm not going to take every single word you say literally. If I have a question about something I've heard, I'll ask.'

He stepped closer and officially entered Sirius' personal space. Sirius shifted uncomfortably, but stood his ground.

'I'm not here to do a hatchet job on you, Sirius, or some big expose. The public wants to know more about how one of its favourite rock stars lives, and that's the story I plan on delivering.'

Sirius stared at him, grey eyes appraising then he nodded once. 'Right then,' he said, taking a step back. 'Come and meet The Marauders.'


Remus watched Sirius shake hands with the DJ before he and Lily left the soundproof booth. He stood up, waiting next to Alice, who greeted the pair with a smile and her electronic organizer, and took a moment to appreciate Sirius' long, lean body in his black jeans and red t-shirt.

'Alright then,' she said, snapping the organizer shut and pocketing it. 'We've got time for a late breakfast before we head to the venue for sound check. Back to the hotel? James and Peter should be back from their commitments by now?'

Lily and Sirius nodded, and Alice wasted no time in leading them from the radio station.

'She's… um… very efficient, isn't she?' Remus murmured to Lily as they followed her like obedient sheep.

'She's bloody scary,' Sirius said, falling in alongside Remus. 'But she's as loyal as they come, and she knows absolutely everyone.'

Remus could feel heat pouring off Sirius' body as they walked side by side, his own body reacting to the warmth. He shoved his hands in his pockets with a bit more difficulty than usual – his new jeans were just a bit tighter than those he normally wore – and asked, 'How did you find her?'

Sirius smiled reminiscently at the retreating figure. 'She found us,' he told Remus, obviously comfortable enough telling a story that everyone already knew. 'We were playing in this horrid, cockroach-ridden dump in South London, and one night, there she was in the audience.' He turned and grinned at Remus. 'She was pretty visible in the crowd of thirteen.'

Remus chuckled, pleased to see Sirius was relatively at ease with him, as they followed Alice and Lily, who had skipped ahead to walk with her manager.

'She approached us afterwards and told us she could make us famous if we did exactly what she told us to do,' Sirius continued, his arm brushing Remus' as he reached for the sunglasses he had hooked over the yoke of his shirt and slid them on. 'And we've been doing exactly that ever since.'

'You do have your moments of rebellion, but they are few and far between,' Alice said as Remus and Sirius reached the curb where she was waiting beside the hotel's limousine. Remus was startled that she'd heard them talking, and at his surprised glance, Alice smiled sweetly. 'I hear everything, Mr. Lupin.'

Lily called James from the car, and he and Peter met the others in the hotel dining room, which was almost empty and finished serving breakfast. Remus wasn't all that surprised when he, the band and their manager where quickly led to the same private corner Sirius and he sat in a week earlier and handed them breakfast menus. Sirius must have seen something in his face because as he sat down beside him, he said almost challengingly, 'There are some nice perks to occupying their most expensive rooms.'

Remus looked at him, meeting Sirius' eyes and holding his gaze. 'I'm sure they'd bring the food on roller skates wearing tutus if you asked them to for the amount of dosh you're laying out here.' He tilted his head inquiringly. 'I don't suppose you need someone to bang a tambourine or anything? I'd quite like to see that waiter in a leotard and tutu.'

There was a moment of silence, like a breath being held, then Sirius smiled and Lily giggled into her hand. 'You might,' Peter grumbled, looking a little ill. 'But I could do without seeing that with my breakfast, thank you very much.'

'Now, if that pretty brunette receptionist were to dress in a tutu...' James said with a little too much enthusiasm for Lily's liking.

She glared at him then hit him firmly on the arm. 'Remember where your bread is buttered, you prat.'

He laughed and wrapped a hand around the back of her neck, pulling her in for a fast kiss while Peter and Sirius groaned and put their hands up to cover their eyes. 'Oh, not on an empty stomach,' Sirius complained then yelped when there was a dull thud from under the table. 'Ow!' He bent over to rub his leg, leaning into Remus' side as he did. 'Not very ladylike in front of the reporter, Lilikins.'

'I'm sure Remus will write that I was provoked and showed great restraint by only kicking you,' she retorted.

Sirius poked his tongue out at her then pushed himself upright once more, much to Remus' disappointment. The man smelled bloody amazing.

'Do they always get along so well?' Remus asked Alice who sat on his other side, serenely perusing the menu.

'No,' she replied, closing her menu and calling the waiter with a crook of her finger. 'Sometimes they fight and bicker. Orders, please.'

After they placed their breakfast requests, Remus watched the interplay between the four band mates, trying to get a feel for their group dynamic. They were obviously very close; he knew James Potter and Sirius had been friends since childhood and lived together up until a few months earlier when James moved in with Lily. They had met Peter Pettigrew at boarding school when they were eleven, and the trio had become inseparable. Lily Evans, according to the bio he'd read on the Internet, had attended a nearby girl's school, and James Potter had chased her for several years before she agreed to date him.

'Seems to have worked out,' Remus thought, watching the casual, loving touches between the two as they waited for their food to arrive. He looked at Lily's bare ring finger and wondered if the engagement rumours were really premature or if they were playing it cool.

Remus felt a prickle of awareness creep over his skin and glanced to the side, catching Sirius watching him. He raised an eyebrow in inquiry and Sirius flushed.

'Sorry, just… wondering what you make of us,' he said, his voice low. It roughened slightly at this volume, and Remus felt the grate of his words right down to his toes, only barely suppressing a shiver. 'We're a bit mad sometimes.'

Remus smiled and reached out to trace the filigree pattern along the edge of his fork with his fingertip. 'I think it must be wonderful to be doing something you love with the people you love,' he said, speaking softly with just a trace of discernible longing that he didn't bother to try and hide. 'I'm envious.'

Sirius blinked. 'Yeah?'

Remus looked up at him and smiled. 'Yeah.'

Sirius' smile flashed quickly across his face then he looked down at his place setting, fiddling with his napkin. 'I… I want you to know that I'm going to try and be as open with you as I can,' he murmured. 'But I'm not used to this - talking about things that are very personal to me. And there are some topics I will fight you on. I don't… I can't… '

Remus watched as Sirius let out a rasping gasp and Peter, on Sirius' other side, snapped his head around so fast it had to have hurt. He took a look at Sirius then shifted his brown eyes to Remus.

'So, Remus,' he said, just a bit too loudly, and the others broke off their conversation mid-sentence. 'What did you think of our last album?'

Remus glanced at Sirius. He was biting down on his lip, the abused flesh a stark red against his paler-than-usual skin, and Remus caught Lily shooting Sirius a worried look.

'Er, would it be bad form to admit I actually don't own your last album?' he said, going along with the change of subject then he ducked when linen napkins flew at him from all directions accompanied by boos and hisses of mock outrage.

Sirius seemed to come out of his retrospection with Remus' admission and the subsequent teasing, and was quietly cheerful for the rest of the meal. But it was clear that the others were protective of him, and Remus was left wondering exactly what happened to Sirius Black to make him so emotionally fragile.

TBC