Matchmaking Ichimaru Style
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
"Captain?" started Kira.
"Hmm..."
"About tonight..." Kira faltered, unable to put into words his concern and trepidation.
"What about tonight?" wondered Ichimaru, "Ya nervous about yer first date?"
Kira blinked, "First date?"
"Yep and ya better not screw it up after all the effort I put in ta it," even though Ichimaru said it casually enough, but the undercurrent of menace was still there.
"But captain! This is unreasonable! I mean, aren't you and Yachiru planning on tormenting us for the entire night!" cried Kira.
"Cause we are, but it'll just help ya bound as the two of ya try and think of ways ta out wit us," said Ichimaru cheerfully. Kira hung his head in defeat, making Gin laugh, "Don' be so gloomy, Izuru! An' jus' remember, when it doubt act like me! Cause I'm a man very popular with the ladies!"
"That's because you are the proverbial enigmatic man that women think will make for an interesting and wild lover!" protested Kira, "I can't do that! Women look at me and think..."
"Yer gay?" offered Ichimaru, Kira pulled a face which made Ichimaru laugh harder, "Don' worry too much. I didn' mean yeah had ta give the impression yer all wild and interest'n can be a code fer, he messes with my head a lot, which course is something I love do'n," Ichimaru admitted, "Jus' be a little bit more assertive. Channel me if ya have ta but ya can' jus' be meek with someone like Soifon or most women actually."
Kira blushed a little, making Gin laugh again, "Yer so cute, Izuru! I would cuddle ya so much if ya were a girl or a puppy. I wish ya were a puppy. I always wanted a puppy but alas! Puppies grow-up and become dogs! I hate dogs! Puppies rules but dogs are crap! Foxes are cool though. I want a fox," Ichimaru said suddenly, "Let go get a fox, Izuru!"
Kira sighed, "No captain, you may not have a fox."
"Ah! Why not?" demanded Ichimaru.
"Because unlike persimmon trees, foxes need daily care and that's just not you," replied Izuru.
"Ah, yer no fun Izuru," said Ichimaru with a pout, "Well fine! If I can' have a fox, I'll go get a cat!" with that he shunpoed away, about 10 minutes later Ichimaru returned with his arm full with Rangiku.
"Gin!" Rangiku was protesting half-heartedly, "I have work to do!"
"The Chibi Captain can take care of that," replied indifferently, "Now, less talk'n more cuddl'n!" with that he lay down on the couch with Rangiku.
Taking the hint or rather the lack of a hint which was a clear indication that Ichimaru had forgotten that he was in the room and that Matsumoto hadn't even noticed, Kira left the room. Making a point of locking the door behind me as Gin and Rangiku started to curl around either other to get comfortable, before settling down to a nice afternoon of cuddling, kissing, napping and if they felt energetic enough after said nap, some x-rated cuddling!
That night as per the terms of the bet, Soifon came to have dinner with Kira, Ichimaru and Yachiru. As soon as she entered the large apartment that was the captain's quarters within the squad three barracks, Yachiru grabbed her hand and started dragging her towards a table groaning under the weight of make-up and various hair accessories, "Yay! Soi-chan is here! Yay! Now I get to do your make and hair as well! Just as prettily as I did Izurun's!"
It was then that the harassed Vice-captain of the third squad turned to face her. Soifon started laughing, Kira winched, "Sorry, sorry," she said in-between chuckles, she tried to stop herself but couldn't, "Why do you have so much make-up on?" she wondered.
"Wasn't my choice," replied Kira, "And you are about to get the same treatment as well."
"Wha...what?" she wondered, looking at Yachiru in horror.
"Of course!" cried Yachiru, "I even have a kimono for you to wear. Tonight, you are going to be a Geisha and serve Foxy!"
"I didn't agree to this!" cried Soifon.
"Well that's what's happening and since you lost, you just have to put up with it," Yachiru declared.
"So did you put make-up on me!" cried Kira.
"Isn't it obvious?" said Yachiru, "Soi-chan is useless at anything besides fighting, she'll make a terrible Geisha if left on her own, so..."
"I'll have you know that as a member of the noble Fon family I received a through training in many things," interjected Soifon, "Including the tea ceremony, the Shamisen and I am sure I can entertain that fox faced bastard as well as any real Geisha!"
"Really?" said Yachiru, "And Foxy was saying that the Fon clan is just bunch of assassins with no appreciation of anything beyond fighting."
"Well he's wrong!" said Soifon, "Tonight I will uphold the honour of my clan and show that moron that the Fon's are as cultured as anyone! Now where's that Kimono!"
"Here," Yachiru handed her an expensive looked yellow Kimono worked heavily with silver, "It's one of Ran-chan's so don't wreck it or she'll have your head."
As Soifon left to change into the kimono in an adjoining room, Kira said to Yachiru, "The captain just tricked her again didn't he?"
"Yep," said Yachiru happily, "Foxy said that all we have to do is insult her clan and she'll send the whole night trying to uphold the honour of the Fon clan. There was never any plans for you to dress-up as a Geisha!"
"So I can take this ridiculous make-up off?" asked Kira.
"Sure! But," she added, "I still get to do your hair-up with ribbons and flowers!"
"Yachiru please," begged Kira.
"Come on, Izurun! It'll be fun!" insisted Yachiru. Kira sighed in resignation.
It took Soifon an hour to get ready. But soon she was all dolled-up in Kimono with make-up and hair done by Yachiru in her own style, "I look like a clown!" protested Soifon, "Can't I do my own make-up?"
"But I am having so much fun!" protested Yachiru.
Soifon sighed, "Here let me help you."
After awhile, Yachiru asked, "Soi-chan?"
"Yes."
"How come you know girly stuff?"
"Ha? Did I give the impression I don't know how to put on make-up and stuff?" asked Soifon.
"Yes!" Yachiru informed her.
"Well you can tell those morons that Captain Soifon of Squad two is not an one-dimensional person who only knows how to fight!" said Soifon, in her usual fierce manner.
"Can I beat them up too!" wondered Yachiru eagerly.
"Sure."
"Yay!"
Finally, Soifon and Yachiru entered the dining area set out very traditionally. As soon as Soifon's eyes feel on Ichimaru and Kira she couldn't help but start howling with laughter, "O come on! This is too much!"
Both Kira and Ichimaru had dressed up in traditional Japanese dresses but Kira's hair was done up with a multitude of colourful ribbons in a decidedly unmanly manner, "What the hell, Kira Izuru. First make-up and now ribbons?"
"Again not my choice," replied Kira.
"By Kami-sama, Ichimaru, how is it that you haven't been reported for abusing your Vice-captain yet?" wondered Soifon.
"Abuse my cute little Izuru?" asked Ichimaru in a tone of innocent confusion, "Whatever do ya mean, Cap'n two? I don' abuse Izuru, now what ya do ta Omaeda-kun..." he trailed off.
"Feh, he's a useless lard-ass that just thinks of money and stuffing his face with food. You on the other hand actually have a decent Vice-captain," said Soifon, "If you are not careful, Kira might decide to find someone else to serve."
"Izuru wouldn't do that," said Ichimaru, "He loves me, don't ya Izuru?" he asked as he patted Kira on the head.
"Captain, I know you said you wished I was a puppy but must you pet me?" wondered Kira in a long suffering tone.
"Well that' what ya get for say'n I couldn' have a puppy!" said Ichimaru.
"I didn't say you couldn't have a puppy, Captain. You said you didn't want a puppy because puppies grow-up to be dogs and you hated dogs," Kira reminded him.
"Did I? Well I changed my mind, we are gett'n a puppy and nam'n it Izuru!" declared Ichimaru, "A nice, friendly blond golden retriever!"
"That would be a real Izurun puppy!" declared Yachiru, "Can I come and play with it everyday?"
"Sure ya can! We'll train the puppy ta do all sort of tricks! Like stealing Rangiku's scarf and brin'n 'er runn'n 'ere! Or go eat up all captain ten's paperwork or poop on Tosen-san's chair!" said Ichimaru, "That'll serve 'im right ta go complain'n about me ta the Captain-commander and Room 46!"
"Oh? Is that why I was order to submit to a physical examination and hand over the clothing I was wearing that day for testing?" asked Soifon.
"Yep, I heard the tried ta take back yer panties from Enjōji," said Ichimaru, his grin getting three times normal size, "But they decided ta give it a skip after they determined it was no good fer test'n."
"I don't even want to know," said Soifon, eyeing Ichimaru carefully she asked, "Tell me Ichimaru, are they going to find anything?"
"How can ya ask me that?" demanded Ichimaru, "Would I ever cheat ya?" he asked in a hurt tone.
"Yes," Soifon replied readily as Kira nodded.
"Well I'm hurt and only a song can soothe my heart, so how about one?" asked Ichimaru.
"Make it a funny one about a fox and a little pink haired girl, tricking the Queen of the bees into having dinner with..." she turned to Ichimaru, "What's Izurun?"
"A puppy!" said Ichimaru.
"Ok! Yes, tricking the Queen of the bees into having dinner with a puppy whose in love with her!" declared Yachiru.
Soifon blinked, "What?" Kira buried his face in his hands, this was not happening. Suddenly, Soifon laughed, "All right then," clearing her throat she began,
There once was a kitsune prince who was a real smart ass
He had for his friend a little devil with pink hair
The kitsune prince had a loyal puppy who was very cute
The puppy for some reason was in love with a Queen Bee
But Queen Bee had never noticed the puppy before
So the kitsune prince tricked the bee into fighting the puppy
The puppy defeated the bee and the bee took notice
That the puppy was great and the kitsune was a jerk
So now the bee sings for the kitsune in his lair
Will she and the puppy survive the devil's care
Dinner and singing is all well and good
The bee wonders how the puppy survived so long
"Yay! That was a great song!" said Yachiru, "I liked the part about Foxy being a Kitsune Prince! When ever he tell me stories about rescuing Princess Rangiku from the tower of the Ice Dragon Hyōrinmaru, he's always the grinning demon or silver trickster demon of the kingdom of Forever Night! He's never a prince! Why aren't you a prince, Foxy?" she suddenly demanded of Ichimaru, "Why do you always have to be demon?"
"Ya don' think I am a demon?" asked Ichimaru.
"Nope!"
"Yer a doll, Yachiru," said Ichimaru, "But I like being a demon and I don' rescue Princess Rangiku. I kidnap 'er from 'er totally inadequate guardian the ice dragon Hyōrinmaru and take 'er to my lair in the depths of hell ta ravage 'er and make 'er bear my demonic spawns!"
"Captian! What kind if inappropriate stories have you been filling Yachiru's head with!" Kira demanded.
"It was totally appropriate!" protested Ichimaru.
"I hope so," replied Kira, "I will gladly defend you to the death but against Zaraki Kenpachi I won't even last long enough to give you time to escape!"
"Don't worry, Izurun! I'll tell Ken-chan not to hurt you if he ever comes hunting for Foxy," Yachiru assured him.
"That doesn't fill me with comfort," said Kira, "I don't want to lose my captain."
"Don't worry, I love Foxy's stories!" she said as she jumped-up to hug Ichimaru, "O look! Fireflies! Let's go catch them!" With that both Ichimaru and Yachiru ran off into the garden.
Silence, "Umm..." Kira began, "Sorry about all this. The Captain, the captain is..."
"Completely and utter insane!" cried Soifon, "Honestly, if he was my captain I would have hung myself by now."
Kira smiled, "The captain isn't so bad. In fact, he's actually really great. The first time I saw him was when he and Captain Aizen rescued us from a group of hollows during a field trip to the living world that went totally and horribly wrong. Seeing the captain fight, it was like a watching a god. The god of battle, of destruction. It was awe inspiring. Since that day the captain has been my idol," Kira explained, "When I was granted the opportunity to serve him, it was like a dream come true. I would gladly lay down my life for him and follow him to hell if he ordered me to."
"You really are devoted aren't you," commented Soifon, Just like I was to Yoruichi-sama, she added to herself, "Take it from someone who knows," she told him, "Do not let your heart be so devoted to your captain because it doesn't matter how much you admire them, how much you love them or worship them, there is always a chance that you'll wake-up one day and find that she's disappeared. Followed a disgusting man into exile, and all you'll be is an abandoned, betrayed fool, left to pick-up the pieces as best you can."
Kira blinked and looked at Soifon, but she had fallen silent and Kira got the impression that she had already shared all she would and probably more then she intended, "The captain wouldn't do that," he said at length, "I am sure the captain wouldn't. He can't, he just can't."
"Hmpf, that's what I used to think," she said, "I don't any more. Unless you are first in your Captain's heart above everybody else, you shouldn't be so sure either," she told him.
"That I am not," admitted Kira, "Matsumoto-san is. But even if he leaves behind the Gotei 13, all of Soul Society for her sake, the captain can just take me with him. I would follow him anywhere, for any reason."
"But they don't," replied Soifon, "That's the problem." Kira didn't know how to respond to that and fell silent.
They were enjoying the rather comfortable silence when suddenly they heard Yachiru whine, "Foxy they aren't kissing! They are suppose to be kissing by now! You and Rangiku are kissing by now in your stories. You haven't lied to me have you, Foxy?"
"Izuru!" Ichimaru called, they were still in the garden, some distance from the open patio door, "Kiss 'er already or I swear I'll impale ya with Shinsou! This is the perfect distance fer Shinsou as well!"
"Captain! Please come inside and don't scream so loudly! The men will hear!" protested Kira.
"Who gives a damn about that!" demanded Ichimaru, "Kiss 'er already so we can get on with dinner! It's kinda cold out 'ere."
"Captain! We know you are looking so you might as well come-in," said Kira, "The mood is not right for kissing."
"Screw the mood! Ya think I care about the mood! I told ya ta be like me! I create my own mood! So create your own mood, Izuru!" ordered Ichimaru.
"Captain..." Kira felt a hand on his shoulder, turning he came face to face with Soifon. He wasn't sure if it was the make-up but he could not begin to fathom the look on her face.
Leaning in she gently brushed her lips against his, "Just because you remind me of me, I'll give you that," she whispered, "More then that will have to wait and be over time."
"I understand," Kira whispered back.
Clearly Ichimaru and Yachiru understood that too because they came inside, with Yachiru saying, "Yay! Let's eat!" Ichimaru just grinned, phase IV complete. The match of the Blond and the Bee successfully made. From this point on it was entirely up to them and the bonus for him, pictures taken with cameras hidden in the room! He couldn't wait to tease Izuru and Soifon with them.
Extra Bit
Dear Captain Tosen Kaname of the 9th Squad,
After an exhaustive investigation we have found no evidence of any wrong doing on the part of Captain Ichimaru Gin of the 3rd Squad. As such me regret to inform you that your bet with Captain Ichimaru stands and you are required to hand over the equivalent of three months wages to Captain Ichimaru. Captain Ichimaru has offered to settle for only one months pay if you will agree to publish his children's book The Adventures of the Grinning Silver Trickster Demon of the Land of Forever Night. We understand you have hitherto refused to publish it on the grounds that "it is not appropriate for consumption by anyone, let alone impressionable children" and have labelled the book, "vile, evil and designed solely for the purpose of corrupting young minds". However, Vice-captain Kusajishi Yachiru of the 11th Squad assures us that the stories in the book are great and totally appropriate for children as they were first developed for her own amusement. We therefore encourage you to publish the book to lessen the burden of your debt. We wish you good luck with this matter.
Regards,
Room 46
More Extra Bits
"Captain?" started Kira tentatively.
"Hmm..."
"How did you cheat?" he wondered.
"Yachiru slipped a particular kind of bacteria she got from Nemu in ta Capt'n Two's drink during the Shinigami Women's Association meeting the night before the train'n session," Ichimaru informed him, "The bacteria were designed ta leave 'er body after the fight. It was tied ta adrenaline levels ya see," he explained, "Only evidence would have been in 'er panties. Which is why I had ta get rid of 'em. Course, if ya tell anyone what I just told ya, Izuru, I'll have ta kill ya."
"I understand, Captain," said Kira with a smile, unable to help but admire his captain's twisted mind, "Once again, congratulations on getting your book published. I heard it's a best seller."
"Cause it is," replied Ichimaru, "What kid wants ta keep read'n about some pretty boy prince com'n and rescu'n some bor'n princess. All the fairytales are like that anyway. Now a demon kidnapp'n a feisty Princess like Rangiku! Now that's excit'n!"
Author's note: Hmm.. people seemed to have lost interest in this fic after chapter 2. A well, it's finished now. Thank goodness! No more crack stories for me!
