I had a hole in my heart

So I threw away my plate

Because nothing filled me up

No matte what I ate

-Anonymous

"Carly! Wake up! The party starts in five minutes!" Angie's shrill shriek yelled to me inside my room. I heard her leave a few seconds later.

I woke up with a jolt. Five minutes? I set my alarm to 6:25-

AM.

Of course I set my clock to 6:25 AM. I shook my head and quickly began changing. I checked my reflection in the mirror and tilted the head to my side. The heels gave me extra height that I really didn't need. I remember Gibby having his magical growth spurt, shooting him up next to me and if Angie planned on having us dance together, I couldn't wear the heels.

I decided to rebel and wear Sam's converses that she gave me a couple days ago and instead of wearing the stupid underwear, I wore my regular bra and panties. As I shuffled through my underwear drawer, my hand brushed against a paper-wrapped tube I hadn't used in about three months.

atampon.

I had stopped eating so much about six months ago, in December. I remember for the next three months, I had lost a nice fifteen pounds but gained it back bringing me back to 125 lbs. A month later, I had managed to lose six pounds and keep it off. Another month later I magically lost eight pounds. That was the month I realized I had skipped my period. The next month two pounds came back, but five pounds were lost. (No period for Carly) The next month I managed to lose a strong two pounds, between gaining and losing. Still no period.

I researched this abnormality and found out female anorexics tend to lose their period but when and how long tends to be different for all.

I had come to realizing that I had lost my period and didn't need tampons. Of course that's not what I told Sam or Angie when I got cranky from lack of nutrition.

I put on my make-up, fixed my bed hair and checked the time. 7:02. From what I heard downstairs, I was pretty sure I wasn't missing out on my own party.

I texted Sam, asking when she'd be here, and left my room only to find Angie waiting for me.

"Are you finally ready?" She hissed.

"Oh I forgot it was a surprise…"

"Just pretend we're talking about iCarly as we walk down the stairs. Tell me about your newest segment when I pinch you."

"Pinch me? I don't want to be-" I felt a sharp pain in my tinyenormous elbow as we started the down the stairs. "I think Gibby should sit in a tub of a hot sauce for the next iCarly, to prove that hot sauce is really hot. Kinda like how we proved ice was really cold-"

"SURPRISE!" Sam, Freddie, Gibby, and every other senior couple at Ridgeway High yelled in my face in a darkened living room only supported by burning candles.

I thanked the stars acting was my perfection. I put on my surprised mask and flew my hand to my chest. "Oh my God!"

"This party's for you, kiddo!" Spencer told me bangingpatting my back. "Have fun!"

Spencer was never really amazing at talking. It always came out kind of awkward. He pulled Angie- who was winking at me like she had an eye deformation- to the bedroom where I presumed they would watch Girly Cow and talk about art because really? Spencer was a little kid at heart and helikeGibbydidn't understand that when the lights were low and music was really loud in the living room, you were supposed to be doing something naughty.

I walked down the stairs as everybody started talking and eating and met Seddie waiting for me.

"You texted me?" Sam asked showing me her phone.

"Oh yeah. The party wasn't really a surprise. Angie told me about it this morning when she told me we were going shopping for a new dress."

"So that's why you left school early?" Freddie asked.

I nodded and looked around. "I could have sworn when I came down stairs there was at least thirty people…but now it seems like ten."

Sam and Freddie looked around the room at the couples "There's more like..fifteen or sixteen people here. Small party." Sam commented as she shoved a cupcake(298) down her throat.

I did the best I could to keep myself from staring. All of these were from the store so they would have to be high in calories and fat.

If I ate one cupcake, one cookie(260), one slice of pizza(280), one sip of Pepsi(8 fl. oz.=100), I would have to sneak out to the gym and run all night.

I tuned out of reality and into *Fat*People*Land * as I watched Wendy lick her fingers after inhaling a chocolate brownie(115), Mike Reynolds scarf down three slices of lemon cake(765), Ally Stevens slurp a 12 fl. oz. can of Pepsi(150). I restrained myself from lunging at Tommy Edwards and his chocolate chip cookie.

I got on my spaceship and flew back to Sam and Freddie. Sam was eating another cupcake, this time with prettypink frosting and fairypurple sprinkles(459). Freddie was sipping a diet Pepsi(0).

"Aren't you guys going to do dance?" I asked them as I became suddenly aware of the awkward silence in a room of blaring Katy Perry.

"Dance?" Sam nearly choked on her cupcake. Freddie raised his eyebrow at me.

"Carly, I hate to break it to you but nobody's dancing…they're all just eating and sitting on the couch." Freddie pointed out.

"They're all just eating and sitting on the couch. They're all just piling calories into their fat-studded future. Sooner or later, they'll burst of sprinkles and fairy dust and scatter all over the floor like the ketchup they had on their burger. But you won't be. You'll be the beautiful one stepping over them." Ana recited.

I swear I could see her. She was looking better than me as always. Her bright eyes looked like the ocean in myher navy blue dress. Her wavy hair was curled in ringlets likeminealways and she had myher pretty, blue flowered, lace headband on her princess hair. She stood next to Sam and played with Sam's curls that were neatly falling on her red, strapless dress. Sam didn't pay Ana any attention as she licked the frosting off her nails.

I turned away from Ana and looked at everybody who seemed to be staring into my bones.

"Who wants to dance?" I yelled over the noise, hoping to stir people off their ass.

"I do!" Mike Reynolds, Tommy Edwards and Ken Mitchell hopped out of their seats and away from the Barbie's standing next to them.

"I meant…with their girlfriend or boyfriend…" I said gently pushing them back to their girls.

The red on their cheeks, as they held their hands out, was not from the room temperature.

I turned back towards Sam and Freddie {Ana wasn't there anymore} and motioned them towards the other couples.

They exchanged a look.

"If we dance…you have to dance with Gibby." Sam translated.

"With who?" I yelled over the music.

"With GIBBY." Freddie helpfully cleared my eardrums.

"Oh…well he's dancing with Ally and Tommy." I noticed.

I also noticed that those three were the only people actually dancing. Everybody else was pressed against each other, bones&against&bones, hands flyingGRABBINGholdingtouching each other, sweat washing away their s i n s from each other.

In simple words, they were grinding against each other in my living room and on my couch.

I turned away from a couple getting a little too turned on with each other.

"So go pull him away from them." Sam shrugged as if it were that easy and not awkward.

"I can't just do that!" I hissed to her. "He'd be all…Gibby…and awkward."

Sam frowned and realized my true words. Then her blue eyes glinted evilly and she released Freddie's death clutchhand and walked away.

I turned around and time seemed to go in slow motion. The guests seemed to split a p a r t as Sam pushed her way through them.

I must have stopped breathing when she tapped his shoulder. Gibby turned towards her and she whispered in his ear-

"My life is over."

"Your single life is over."

"I think I'm dead."

"Deadly in love."

"My heart stopped beating."

"Because it's in Gibby's hands."

-and smirked at me and Freddie. Gibby shrugged and nodded and followed Sam back towards us.

I gave Freddie a death glare as he chuckled to himself and pretended not to notice Sam or Gibby.

"Hey FredMan, hi Carly. Want this cookie?" Gibby greeted us, thrusting a chocolate chip cookie in my face.

Yes Gibby I need that cookie.

"No thanks. I'm not hungry."

"You sure? You haven't eaten anything yet."

Because it'll end my hunger and I'll have to do a million crunches.

"You've been watching me?"

"I've been by the food all night. I haven't seen you come by."

I'm doing everything in my will power not to snatch that cookie from you or march over to Wendy and smack that brownie out of her hands.

"Oh well I ate at the mall-"

"When you were shopping for my science project?" Gibby smirked.

"Weren't you shopping to buy a dress-" Freddie screamed over the obnoxious sound of Rihanna and her love of chains asked as Sam elbowed him sharply, understanding what the whole situation really meant.

"You wanna dance Gibby?" I asked him before the situation could possibly get any worse.

"Sure. But you have to eat this cookie."

And it got worse.


"You stupid, fat, weak, pus-filled whale." Ana seethed behind Gibby, the words foaming out of her mouth. "Don't you know better? Haven't I taught you anything?"

My hands were intertwined behind Gibby's neck and his were around my gigantic waist. The steady lyrics of Aerosmith helped my feet stay planted to the floor instead of running to my bedroom and taking every laxative I had.

After Gibby forcedgave me the cookie(260) my hand reached next to Sarah Crawford and shoved an oatmeal raisin cookie(120) and then a handful(3) of Hershey's Kisses(78).

I leaned my head on Gibby's shoulder as the music filled our ears. I closed my eyes to hopefully block out the sight of Ana but she really was everywhere.

I opened them to find my sight currently Gibby's hairy neck. Well it wasn't noticeably hairy…the little hairs that stuck up from his neck were light gold…like the color of Twinkies…

Oh God…do we have one here?

I closed my eyes again to hopefully distract myself but found that even the Twinkies were clouding my eyes. I opened them once more to find Gibby's hairy neck pulling away from me.

I pulled my head up and was about to open my mouth when I saw Jessie Kyle and Brad Puller, helplessly falling all over each other.

"Dude…" Brad slurred out, his breath reeking, "Where's the….where's the room?"

My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. "You can't have sex in my house! You can't be drunk either!"

"The punch is AMAZING!" Jessie pumped her fists up in the air and nearly fell down on top of Brad.

"We don't have any punch!" I hissed. I turned around to where Brad was pointing and found seven other people laughing giddily at a bowl of red-liquid.

"Oh my God…" I pounded my fist to my forehead. "Gibby could you please take care of these two? I need to be right back."

I walked over to the idiotic boys and girls and swatted them away from the spiked punch. "Who brought this?"

They all started pointing at each other and then giggling. I rolled my eyes and took the bowl away from them. They started to protest and began to whine as I slid it down the drain.

"No more drunk couples! I don't want to be responsible for the positive on your pregnancy tests!" I glared at Wendy who seemed to be clawing at my arms.

I rubbed my head as I walked away from them. I looked for Gibby and was making my way over to him when the sweetsweetsweet smell of sugar curled around me and tied me to the counter.

As if in a daze, my hand reached over for a cupcake with sprinkles(470) and another and another. My hands had a party when they felt the familiar taste of a beloved Twinkie(150). My throat burned as I gulped down a Fanta(160). But I couldn't stop there- my hands scooped up the remains of a slice of lemon cake(250). As I nearly licked the plate of cherry pie, I stood up and regained myself. My stomach had started to feel queasy. I found the cooler and began digging for a water bottle when I felt another can of Fanta(160) and slurped it instead. My stomach wasn't feeling much better when I felt a bony finger tap my shoulder.

I put the Fanta down and looked up. Ana's blue eyes burned holes in my fat. She kicked the Fanta, the orange chemicals soaking the floor. I felt her nails rip my skin as her hands snaked around my wrists.

"You fat hopeless girl. I hope you drown in fat as you sleep tonight. I hope you cry and cry and cry until your room is filled with tears and wasted calories. I hope that your index finger shoves itself down your throat like you did with those cupcakes and spills everything you just ate. I hope you want to die."

Ana let go of me roughly and walked away, her body lost in the crowd. My legs felt weak and my eyes were beginning to sting but I held my mask together for my sanity. I was barely aware of the two pairs of footsteps walking my way.

"You okay, kid? You look like you saw a ghost…" Sam asked me, her soft, porcelain skin grazing my fat, bubbly arms.

"You look paler than normal, Carly. You want to sit down?- Well probably not here right now…" Freddie trailed off looking at a drunken Wendy and Sean Hasting.

"I'm fine." I lied. "Just tired, that's all."

"Well Gibby's waiting for you," Sam winked as she pointed to Gibby standing awkwardly in front of the blank TV.

She pushed me over towards Gibby and I nearly stumbled. I regained myself and continued my stride to him.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"I didn't think the party would get this out of hand."

"I didn't think anybody would bring a spiked fruit punch."

"I was kind of hoping though-"

"-that we could finish our dance?"

"Lead the way."

Our hands slipped back to their same positions. We were slow for the first minute of Tonight (I'm Fucking You) but then Gibby's hands ventured around me as mine moved up and down and up and down. His hands grasped my waist as I turned the other way and just danced(). My fingers swam in his hair and then clutched his to make sure he wouldn't let go. I let one hand run through my sweaty ringlets and turned around again and closed the distance between our lips. My stomach felt like it was going to explode again but this time a little girl with a dream of finding her prince charming at a royal and getting to wear sparkly dresses and high heels like a big girl could would pour out. Our tongues played a little game as they tasted each other. I was just closing my eyes when the song ended abruptly and the lights turned on all of a sudden. We s p l i t a p a r t faster than scissors running up paper to find a disgusted and horrified Spencer and an amused Angie.

"Yo dude," The drunk Brad Puller slurred. "What up with the crash?"

"The crash? Are you drunk? What the hell-" Spencer started to fume but Angie winced and pulled him close.

She whispered something in his earand his face softened. Spencer sighed and turned the music back on and the lights back off as he followed Angie back to the bedroom.

I sighed and turned back to face Gibby but he was gone.

I gulped down the bitter taste he left behind and turned again to face Ana with a cold but fake innocent expression.

"Gibby felt your stomach pressed against him. He feared a baby was growing inside that fat tub on your poor bones." Ana chided pinching my fat.

A tear rolled down my cheeks and she harshly rubbed it away. "Don't cry here, Carly dear. That'll just make him stay away. Kick everyone out. Cry to me."

I looked at the time over by the kitchen clock. Somehow three hours had managed to run past us and mock us. It was already ten o clock but nobody seemed to want to leave.

I forced my way through the crowd and turned off the music and turned on the lights again. Everybody groaned and faced me.

"Dude! What up with the party kills?" Ally Stevens asked me, her voice full of irritation as her hands stopped dancing in Tommy Edwards hair.

"It's time for everyone to go. Right now." I said walking over to the door and pushing everybody out. "Bye. Hope you had fun. Don't kiss me. Don't give me that look, you're ugly anyways. Yeah love you too. Bye. Drive safe." I monotoned to various people as they reluctantly left.

I looked for Gibby but he must have left as soon as Spencer went back to the bedroom because everybody had left except Seddie.

"You okay?" Sam asked.

"Just peachy." I muttered closing the door.

"You don't look or sound okay." Freddie noted.

"You looked happy when you and Gibby were dancing," Sam tried to cheer me up.

"We were- or so I thought. He must be an amazing actor- but then he disappeared. I think he ran out." I said.

Sam rubbed my shoulder. "Gibby's all awkward. He's just…awkward."

"He'll come around. He'll just be Gibby about it though." Freddie added.

"Thanks. But I'm really tired. I want to get to sleep." I said.

"Well I better get home, my mom's probably spying on every guest leaving from our peephole." Freddie said kissing Sam goodbye. He patted my back as he opened the door and disappeared.

when was the last time he got jealous over me? when was the last time he talked about being my future husband number two?

"Want to stay the night?" I offered.

"I've got nowhere better to go." Sam said as we walked upstairs.

We did our usual thing as we got ready to sleep: talked about boys, exchanged pajamas, brushed each other's hair, washed off our make-up, jumped on the little trampoline by the foot of my bed, checked our SplashFace pages, talked about more boys and then slipped in the bed and fell asleep.

As soon as I heard Sam's comforting snore, I slipped out of bed and opened up my nightstand. I pulled out a box of laxativesmedicine and retreated to the bathroom.

I popped a few in my mouth and let the waterworks happen. Ana shimmered next to me- still in her party costume- and wrapped her shoulder around me.

"You don't need Gibby or Freddie to make you happy. They can't make you skinny, can they? All they do is make you fatfatfat. I'll be there for you. I'll make you happy and skinny. Can't you just obey me and be happy?"

I know it's a crappy ending but I needed to cut it off there for the next chapter. After reading Wintergirls- thanks for lovelovetoeasemymind for the suggestion! I had wanted to read it anyways, lol- I've come up with a ton of new ideas and more inspiration for this story. Ana's going to be like Cassie- if you've read the story- because when I read the book that's the immediate connection I made. It's a Cibby/Seddie if you haven't been able to tell, kind of one-sided Creddie. I didn't want to do pairings at the start but it just kind of…happened.

The next chapter will be up sooner. I have more motivation and too much energy right now;)