Part Four:

Dear Arizona,

All surgeons break at some point. If we had no breaking point then we would have no business being in this career. It's okay to break. I broke before I came here. Erica had just left me. There was this case, a homeless guy whose legs had been crushed in a dumpster truck. I was convinced I could rebuild his legs, and I did. I built the man new legs but his heart gave out. He died. And all I could do was break in the surgery. It was a really low point for me.

When I told my dad I was going to be a doctor. He gave me this book of quotes. One such quote was a George Bernard Shaw quote. I don't remember it all but I remember how it ends: "Remember that I too am mortal." He is referring to the doctor. Basically we are people too. We make mistakes, and we feel guilt. We are human and we are allowed to break. At least you didn't break in the actual OR like I did. Nothing screams embarrassment like falling to your knees hyperventilating and crying in scrubs and a paper hat.

I like comedies. I like to laugh. My favourite movie is actually an old one. It's Some Like It Hot. I absolutely love that movie. A film that ends with 'Nobody's perfect.' I love that. So many moments in that movie that make me laugh. Jack Lemmon was great. In fact, when I first get back, I want to watch that movie. With popcorn, snuggled up on the couch. There's a cheap date.

Happy belated birthday. I am sorry it wasn't a good one. If I had known I would have given you a box of donuts.

I get the dad thing. My father commands fear too. He throws men against walls. Everyone is an enemy when it's about his daughters. He is a good man, but sometimes I wish he would loosen his leash a bit.

I still can't wrap my head around the heeleys. Do you know how many bones get broken with those things? Yet, weirdly enough, they seem very you. I usually find perkiness annoying but with you, it seems to be the norm. It makes you you and I find it endearing. I imagine you must be fantastic with the kids and they must adore you.

I am working in line with the local hospital to help them with their wounded. There was a suicide bomb in the market. It killed 24 people and injured dozens. I don't get why they do. Why kill their own people? When its soldiers that get killed you hate it but you get it. We're the enemy but when it's the local civilians, you can't fathom it. Makes me really frustrated. Anyhow, it's pretty tough, because their equipment is rather dated and we don't understand each other. But I love a challenge. I had this boy, maybe seventeen years old, who had shrapnel in his leg. The surgeon there was all set to amputate, but I knew I could save the leg. Arizona, nothing beats that feeling of watching someone smile when they walk again. All hope is taken from them and then we give it back. That kid's smile made my day. I have no idea where his life will take him, but right now he is happy. And I feel like I have it back. I am that surgeon again.

So no room-mate then? There are many pros to that. You can decorate as you want. You can dance around. You can always choose what to watch. You can leave the dishes until the morning which I think it's gross. I like cleanliness. And of course, you can be as loud as you want without ever having to be considerate. An even bigger bonus, you're not confined to the bedroom.

I hope you're feeling better. Remember this, you are great.

Trust me, I know stuff,

Callie.

P.S. I am glad it's just for me. I'd hate to be competing with other letter-friends.

The letter lay on the coffee table. She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on them, hugging her mug in her hands. She glanced at the letter again before looking back at the television where Jack Lemmon was dancing the tango.

Dear Calliope,

You're right, we all do break, but we like not to admit it. The requirement for a surgeon: don't admit weakness.

I can't understand violence no matter what the situation is. I see kids suffering abuse and I don't get it. I don't get the bombs or the guns or the knives. And if I think about it too much I get angry. I am not a good angry. Is anyone though? I get what you say. Nothing beats that smile. When you have made a difference. It's the most awesome feeling in the world, and I am so glad you had it. And for the record, I don't think you were ever not that surgeon. Maybe you needed to step back to see it for yourself, but you are always that surgeon. And I know this because I am always right.

We just had a new surgeon join us. She is also an army vet like Owen, but she isn't in the same mindset as him. She seems collected and together. She is actually quite cool, and very adept at surgery. She is in cardio-thoracic, and she saved my patient's life on her first day.

Was Erica your first? What happened? I remember when I fist slept with a woman, I wanted to relish it. After Joanne and I broke up, I experienced women. Not a great number before you start dreaming up names for me. But I wanted to explore and experience. I was a newborn. It's a great time. You're the newborn now and should explore and experience.

I am going to a dinner at Derek's house for Christmas. It's going to be the usual suspects that have nowhere to go. I guess we're our own family who get each other. I am actually really looking forward to it.

I hope you have a good Christmas, and remember this next Christmas you will be home.

I have a tree. It's standing in the corner, still undecorated. I haven't had time to do it yet, but then it's the first tree I've ever had on my own. I want it to be special, magical even. I might throw a bag of glitter over it and call it fairy dust. Last Christmas I worked and the year before I worked. In fact every Christmas for the last three years I've worked. And before that I was with my family. That was a really special Christmas. I just want the tree to be special.

I better get back to work,

Take care,

Arizona

xxxx

The brunette frowned at the letter. She shoved it into her pocket as she watched the helicopter land. She would be happy to be in the field and not have time to think.

Dear Arizona,

Christmas was Christmas. There were songs, drinks, and dancing. Well, more like falling and shaking. I bet you made a beautiful tree. We made a tree. We used old equipment and a lot of duct tape. It looked terrible but it was in the name of festivity.

Are you worried that I will be messed up when I get back? I can't guarantee that. I've seen some seriously messed up things here, but I like to think I am stronger now than I was before I came here. I don't know how I will adapt when I get home, but I know that I'm not coming back. The Army hasn't won me. I'm coming home. I promise I will come home

Erica? I know I didn't deal with it well but please don't judge me. She was a thing, a big thing. And I wouldn't change it for anything. And yes it was an experience. But it wasn't a sexual experience or an experiment. It was an experience self-discovery. Confused me, I won't deny that. You spend so long convinced you like men, and then suddenly you realise that's not the case. But I am not an experimenter. I will admit I treated her badly in the end because I simply couldn't get my head around it. Not in her timeframe. Instead of coming to terms with these new feelings and thoughts, I slept with a man. By the time I realised I wanted her she was gone. I never meant to hurt her. I really didn't. I am not that person. I'm not a selfish person and I hate to think that you think that I am. I know now. It's not about labels. We're so focused on labelling ourselves that we forget that it's simply about attraction and love. So, I've come up with a new motto: I am not a label, I am a lover. Do you like it?

I don't think I'd call myself a newborn. I have experience of life. I've been knocked down enough times to know what I want and I don't want to just flit around from person to person when I get home. I want settled. I want everything that comes with that. I want lazy Sunday mornings, I want arguing over the remote control, I want the snuggles on the couch, I want the cooking meals together, I want the long walks… Actually, I've never taken a long walk in my life… not an out-door type of person.

I am moving base. New army tactics require new locations. We're pushing forward into enemy land. It's a big push and so lots of morale speeches here. It's both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. It's really weird but you feel like a hero one moment and a villain the next. I don't know how the guys here do it. Confront such intensive reactions everyday. It's different for me because I am rarely in the field.

I should go, have some patients to sign off on.

Take care of you,

Callie

xxxx

The blonde sighed as she folded up the paper. She laughed softly and shook her head. She looked up and saw the sun breaking through the clouds, causing a single beam of light to dance through the eyes. She exhaled loudly.

Dear Calliope,

How can you not be an outdoor type of person? You live in a tent in the desert. That just screams outdoor! A long walk on the beach, sand sifting softly between your toes, the sun setting, the sky red, holding hands with that person that you call yours… how beautiful does that sound? Personally, I've never done the long walk on the beach or anywhere in fact but it always looks so pretty on television. I want to do it now.

Happy New Year! Do you not think it's crazy that they group all the holidays so close together? It makes people poor, buying gifts and food and decorations and everything. Even poorer now that we aren't getting a bonus this year and I've just given away personal savings for surgical tools. Not that I would change that for anything. We had a kid, Nicholas, who had bleeding in the brain, and the only way we could get to it was through the sinus, but being so small there weren't the instruments to reach it. So we gave the money to get the tools, and as the new year arrived, a little boy got to live. What an awesome way to start a year.

I have made some new year's resolution.

I will learn to cook a meal.

I will finish reading Ulysses… that resolution I've made every year for the last fifteen years.

I will keep the Ulysses resolution.

I will go a whole twelve months without a single cigarette.

And now I will take that long walk on the beach.

How do they sound? Do you have any?

I can't help worrying about you. Because if something were to happen to you, how would I know? So I've decided your resolutions for you.

You will not play the hero EVER.

You will come home at the first chance you get.

I hate to think of you in danger. I know that you have a job to do. I get it. Army brat gets it. But seriously, be safe. And I am very thankful that you're not in the field.

We all screw up on relationships. I guess I just got thrown by Erica being your first. My ex… I was her first, and she hid me. I let her. That was my mistake. She couldn't cope with the label that came with being with me. It went on for months before I realised that I shouldn't be someone's shame but someone's joy. We ended it and before I knew it she was with another man. That hurt. The idea of being someone's experiment hurt. I guess I judged you because Erica was your first and you've always been with men. I shouldn't have done that. You're not my ex. You're Calliope…

You do have the experience of life, and so much of it. You have done incredible things. Calliope was the muse of epic poetry and you lead an epic life. You are no newborn and I am calling on temporary insanity for making that remark. Forgive me… please, pretty please. Imagine Robbins dimple charm right now… Please forgive me. Seriously, you're getting my best dimples.

I should go and save some tiny people,

Take care of yourself, Calliope,

Arizona

xxxx

P.S. There could never be another letter-friend.

Callie grinned widely as she walked through the sand, feeling the warm sand between her toes. She looked up at the sky, a brilliant red sky fighting the dark sky that would come.

Dear Arizona,

What do you look like? All I see in my head is dimples. They're very sexy dimples by the way.

The new base is noisy. It's all trucks and helicopters. It's chaotically busy. I feel like I live in an ER. It's rare to find a moment of peace. Right now, I am hiding so I can actually finish this letter.

You smoke! Yeah, we need to address this. You smoke! Seriously, you're a doctor, a kids doctor and you smoke! I won't lecture you about the health risks because you're a doctor, you know this… but what about the kissing risks? It's not pleasant kissing a smoker. So you have to quit now.

We had a rough few days. Trader tried to disarm an explosive but it misfired. It blew up the square. He was wearing his suit, but didn't stop the fire burning him. He is alive but he will never see again. This guy is such a joker. Never took life seriously, he always found a bright side. His girlfriend just had a baby, which he will never see. It's so unfair. It just makes me angry. He was so close to going home and boom, everything changes.

It's intense here at the moment. We know something is coming, we just don't know what it is. The cities are behind us and there is nothing but desert and a few villages that are not quite villages. The people there hide from us. They don't see us as friends but as enemies. They are being forced to take sides whether they agree with it or not. Whoever is winning is the side they take and right now, it's not our side. So yeah, we're expecting something. I have no intention of playing the hero. I am always a doctor and never a soldier, so don't worry and believe me, I will come home.

I forgive you. You now realise that I am actually a goddess. It takes longer for some people to come to terms with this. It's not your fault you're slow.

I get it. You got knocked back and hurt. I do get that. I am the same. But I am ready to take that dive now.

Ulysses, why are you reading that anyway? I've never read it, but I don't think anyone has including the guy that wrote it. I never get a chance to read. All I seem to read is medical journals. I used to read all the time when I was in college. My mom is big into the arts, culture and tradition. She would expect us to read the mythologies and the ancient books, but I hated them as a kid. I would sneak in comics and magazines. Aria is her daughter, and I am my father's. I like watching football. I like having whiskey. I like being with people. Aria likes culture. She drinks cocktails. She is a snob. We couldn't be any different, if we tried. Maybe my parents got lucky with their kids, they got one each to completely dote on and mould into them. Your inane babbling has become contagious.

I should get back to work, not so tiny people to save,

Callie

xxxx

P.S. I have one more resolution. I will be the one that takes you on that long walk on the beach.

The blonde couldn't help but smile all day as she waltzed her way through the corridors of the hospital. People that worked there never thought anything unusual or new of the young surgeon's smile, but to Arizona it was new. She was happy.

Dear Calliope,

My father loves James Joyce. He always wanted us to read his books, and I have yet to read one. I am going to do it. For him.

I only smoke when I am in trouble which is nearly never. It's a bad habit, but I haven't smoked in months. I promise. And I wouldn't subject anyone to a kiss with a smoker's breath, so don't worry about that.

I am so sorry about Trader. But he doesn't need eyes to see. It is as my grandmother says, "It is with the heart than one sees." My grandmother went blind when I was two. She had tumours on her optic nerves. She would always say that to me when I got sad about the fact she couldn't see the flowers in the garden, or the sunset, or the dress I wore to my prom. But weirdly, enough she could describe everything. She knew exactly what I looked like just by touching my face. Trader will be fine. Trust me. I know things.

My brother was my father's son. A soldier. He died in Iraq a couple of years ago. That is why I appreciate what you do. My brother died because there weren't enough doctors. He had all my father's traits: integrity, loyalty, honour, a sense of humour. He was a gentleman, like my dad. I guess that makes me my mother's daughter; a child at heart.

My microwave just burned my dinner. How is that possible? I followed the instructions on the packet. Put in for five minutes. Turn on. Take out. Let stand. Eat. But it's more of a case of put in. Set on fire. Take out. Extinguish. Throw out! Stupid microwave!

Take out it is.

Tell me you at least eat take out! It's my best home-cooked meal.

I've enclosed a picture of me. I think it shows me at my best. You'd be lucky to have me.

I have a confession to make. I had a date this evening. I was set up on one. She was a nice woman. Nice to look at, nice to talk to… you know nice. That adjective we use to describe someone you can't find anything else to say about them. Anyway, I was being polite and charming but all I was thinking about was you. Writing this letter to you. So I told her I had a headache and left after one drink, and came straight home. To write to you. Do you know what I am saying?

Tom and Jerry is on TV. I loved that as a kid. Always felt sorry for Tom, but as my brother said if Tom won, there would be no show as Tom would just eat Jerry.

I love cartoons, not the new ones, but the old ones. Bugs Bunny, and Daffy Duck and all those ones. I never got the comics though. Spiderman, Superman, Batman… never understood them. I mean, if they were so awesome, why didn't they learn to put their underwear on the inside of their pants?

People do anything to survive, even if it means taking the other team's side. Don't judge those villagers for that. Or hate them. I don't think you could though. You have a big heart, such a big heart. It's one of my favourite parts of you.

I should get some sleep. I hope you like the picture,

Take care of yourself, Calliope,

Arizona

xxxx

P.S. You do know what I am saying, don't you?

Callie chuckled as she studied the picture, but not surprised. The picture was obviously the art piece of a very young patient of the other doctor's. The round head was coloured in pink. The lips showed a big smile. The eyes were large and blue while the hair was long and yellow. She also wore a crown. Callie shook her head as she prepared her pen.

Dear Arizona,

You have no nose!

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I am so sorry that you went through that loss. That your family went through that loss. I don't know if this makes you feel better but I am there at the very end for some of these guys and that fight, that honour, that integrity, that belief and strength, it's never leaves. It's always there. Yes, they are frightened, but their passion is so much stronger than that. So much stronger. Brave is such a small word to describe these men and women. An incredibly small word. There is no word… courageous doesn't work, heroic is not enough… lion-hearted.

And you are not only your mother's daughter. You also have your father's integrity and loyalty. And despite your perkiness, there is a sense of humour buried in there.

Now, I have something funny to tell you. Believe it or not… I had chicken pox. I was quarantined with chicken pox. Chicken pox in the desert! And oh my god, were they itchy as hell! I even had gauze paws. And you know what they say about doctors making the worse patients… well, that's true. It also meant that I got to be the butt of jokes for a while. Am fine now, but now I definitely empathise more with little kids. They really are itchy.

So a date… I shouldn't react. We haven't met. We don't even know what the other person looks like. Well, I know that you have a very big head and no nose. We only know each other through words. Yet, I won't deny it… I was jealous, and really glad that it didn't work out. And I'd hate to be described as nice. Tell me that I am not nice.

And don't mock the superheroes. They saved the day. They're worshipped. And the reason for the underwear on the outside was according to Lokie to make their manhood look bigger… super-size it were his words. Fab says it's because it's how they dress in the morning. They put on superhero costume first, then underwear, then street clothes. Apparently it's a philosophical thing whereby the superhero in them is their true identity and so their costume is as close to them as skin is. The street clothes, underwear included is just a civilian thing and is less of a relevance to them. It's just bad luck that in the rush to change into their superhero counterpart that they forget to change their underwear. I think Fab is a weird one. And Mason, the only other woman here, says it's to keep their tights from falling down. You know that question caused a three hour debate here.

I don't hate them… I was so close to it on more than one occasion. I can't deny that. But I don't hate them. I just hate the situation. I hate the violence. I hate the reasons we're here. I hate the hate. And I hate microwaves.

I do like take-outs. My favourite would be pizza.

Callie

xxxx

P.S. I do know what you're saying and I like you too.

The blonde couldn't help but squeal as she read the letter. She blushed when she realised that everyone else in the cafeteria turned to her as they heard her squeal, but that didn't stop her grinning like a Cheshire cat.