The Wakandan quarters they had been given were comfortable and safe, but they were not home. After Bucky's decision to go back under the ice, Steve felt like he'd found his home only to have it taken from him once again. He didn't have it in him to deny his friend anything that he requested, not after everything he had been through. He was even fairly certain that if their positions had been reversed, he would have chosen the same - he had chosen a similar path when he went down with the plane and slept for 70 years, but that didn't make it any less painful. He hoped someone could help Bucky before he was frozen for 70 years or more. And, he couldn't afford to make the mistake of thinking that his own emotional pain trumped the rest of the team's. Sam was as loyal and practical as ever, but he blamed himself for Rhodes' injury, and it wasn't like there was a group therapy session for people who felt like they should have been shot instead of someone else available to fugitives in hiding. Clint was clearly distressed about the very real possibility of not seeing his wife and children for a long time.
There were many things Steve regretted, but the decision to call Clint out of retirement was high on the list. What had it all been for? To save Bucky only to have him choose to be frozen again? Wanda had put Vision through several floors of the Avengers compound when she escaped with Clint, and it was clear that she was disturbed by her own actions. Natasha had arrived, tired and strangely quiet, just yesterday. She had seemed particularly frustrated that Bucky had been frozen again, but when Steve explained that it was his own choice this time, it seemed to help, at least a little bit. It felt like Scott Lang hadn't shut up since they had arrived, but he knew that a lot of his joking and chatter were a cover for his worry about seeing his daughter again. Two fathers, separated from their families because they had followed Steve.
He didn't miss the shield. Sam had asked about it, and at first had been upset that Tony had it, but Steve had assured him that after what he had done with it, keeping it was no longer appropriate. And, he hadn't been able to bring himself to tell the rest of the team exactly what had happened in Siberia. T'Challa knew some of it, but even he hadn't seen the fight, didn't know what had happened inside the bunker. He needed to talk to the team, tell them everything. He owed them the whole truth, and he now knew the kinds of terrible things that happened when people who were supposed to be a team kept important things secret. The only other person who knew everything was frozen in cryo in a Wakandan laboratory, so it was Steve's responsibility to learn from his own mistakes and come clean.
Sleep had been a problem. When they had first arrived, he wanted to spend every moment he could with Bucky before he was frozen again, and now, he was driven to exhaustion by his own thoughts. He relived every moment of the Siberian bunker in his head, remembering how good it had felt when he first saw Tony. The knowledge that he had come to help even though they had a fundamental disagreement over the Accords had given Steve hope that there would be some kind of solution, that they remained a team. And then, Zemo had ruined everything by pointing out that Steve had been living a lie for some time.
Seeing the naked emotion play across his former teammate's face had made him feel nauseous with betrayal and desperation. No amount of reasoning, backpedaling, or placation had been able to move Tony once he found out that Bucky had killed his parents. It wasn't often that Tony's emotional state was so honest and bare. The man had more masks than a costume shop, but the sound of his voice when he said, "I don't care. He killed my mom," had been running through Steve's head ever since. He killed my mom. He killed my mom. He imagined watching someone kill his mother - it wasn't hard, he'd watched the illness take her a lifetime ago. He remembered the gut-wrenching pain of losing her and couldn't imagine having a face assigned to the deed, a person who had been the one to take her away from him. The very least he would have done was punch the killer, stop him so he couldn't do to anyone else what he had done to him. He imagined finding out that he had fought alongside someone who knew the truth and didn't tell him. He imagined discovering that after years of friendship and teamwork that someone close to him had kept the truth from him and harbored his mother's killer. And yet, he couldn't visualize a situation in which he would turn his back on Bucky. He wouldn't, couldn't do it. He had been put into a position where there was no way to win, and he hated himself for feeling as though the knowledge that Bucky was safe was a victory, because the cost had been too high for himself and for the others.
"You have to tell them everything. They gave up their lives to follow you."
He startled at the sound of Natasha's voice, and she smiled at him. "Sorry. Old habits. I'm a quiet walker."
Steve gestured to her to sit down on the sofa, and she slipped out of her boots, drawing her feet up on the cushion beneath her.
"I know. Can you ... help me sort through it, Nat? I need to make sure I do this right. I need to understand what I want from them, what I think is right, before I expect them to understand. My head isn't a clear place right now."
Natasha nodded sympathetically, and Steve felt a wave of relief. Natasha understood people better than anyone else he knew. She could help him make sense of his own head.
"How ... uh ... how is Tony? And Rhodes?"
She sighed heavily. "Rhodes is currently paralyzed from the waist down, but Tony's already developing tech to help him walk. They're both staying at the compound, Vision too. Tony started working on Rhodes' troubles the moment he got back to his workshop."
"But ... how is he? I - the fight in the bunker was bad. Really bad."
"I know. A lot of people thought Tony might be dead. It took them 18 hours to get him back to the US. They took him straight to the hospital, but he checked himself out immediately and went to Rhodes. He told me to leave before he went to help you, but I waited around to find out what was happening. I only saw him briefly when he came back, and he told me again that I 'd need to watch my back, and I took that as the warning it was. He knew Ross would be on me for letting you and Barnes escape, and he was right. I barely bugged out in time."
Steve hesitated. He felt like he didn't even have the right to ask, but he needed to know. "How did Tony look? Is he okay?"
She shrugged. "Well, he looked like he'd been in a fight with two supersoldiers. His arm's been hurt since he tried to stop Barnes from rampaging after Zemo triggered the Winter Soldier. His face is a mess, but it seemed to be healing. I think he probably broke or cracked some ribs, but he told me to butt out and leave before Ross detained me. He was trying too hard to move normally."
Natasha looked like she wanted to say something else, but wasn't sure if she should.
"What is it? You look conflicted. Tell me, Nat."
"I think it's been a long time since Tony was okay. He never got the help he needed after the Battle of New York, and Sokovia has haunted him since Ultron. He tried to give it all up for Pepper, and she left anyway. The guy was starting out at an emotional disadvantage, and none of this has helped. I know you didn't feel like you had a choice, Steve, but the Accords weren't a terrible idea. Ross is a piece of shit, and Tony knows that too, but after what happened with Wanda in Lagos, people needed to have their confidence in us restored. That's why I signed. A visible gesture of understanding and a pledge to do better in the future. I wanted the people I protect to see me doing something that shows that I'm listening to them. Sometimes making someone feel heard is more important than actually changing any behaviors. Reassurance and communication are so much more important than most people ever understand. I can kick ass with the best of you, but more often than not, carefully chosen words inflict the most damage and do the most good."
Steve grimaced. This was Natasha telling him, however gently, that he should have made Tony feel heard, and he knew that she was right. His concern for Bucky had driven everything else from his mind to the point that he hadn't been willing to let his friend finish explaining. He was starting to understand why Tony had always found him frustrating to work with - if he couldn't listen to a proven, trusted ally for fifteen minutes, what kind of leader was he?
He was a soldier, but he had never been a traditional one. He'd gone from 90 pound weakling to super soldier, to dancing monkey, and then he had started doing what he thought was necessary, even when his commanding officers didn't approve. Any other soldier who had done what he had done would have been dishonorably discharged, but Steve was celebrated. Had he gotten used to being celebrated for what he could do to the point that the input of others was nothing more than an irritation to him?
He had surrounded himself with others who held similar viewpoints. Peggy was just as bad as Steve in her own way, Howard, as brilliant as he was, made no bones about the fact that he could do what he wanted because he was the smartest man in the room. Bucky had always had a reckless, adventuresome side, and the rest of the Howling Commandos all had something to prove as well. He had been well-insulated from the consequences of his own actions by the very nature of the company he kept. What was it Tony had said, that he was "dangerously naive?" Now that he was a thousand miles away, hiding from his own government and team, with another group who had chosen to follow him and his ideals, now that it was too late to consider consequences, he realized that it was true. He was naive, and he didn't have a good plan, and his friends were suffering for it. Dangerously naive. They were literally in danger because of him. Dammit, Tony. Way to be a prophetic asshole. He could almost hear Tony's mocking, "Language, Captain! Our virgin ears!"
Steve rubbed his temples and let out a frustrated sigh. "I still don't agree about the Accords, but I know it's too late for any of that to matter now. I used the shield Howard made to beat up his son. I can't imagine how I got here. Howard was a friend. He made me Captain America, and he was a good friend to Peggy in my absence. I almost killed his son. When I think about it like that, it sounds unforgivable. Tony and I had our disagreements in the past, but we got through it. He more than proved himself during the Battle of New York, even after I said some really awful things. I thought we were friends, I really did!"
Natasha shifted to get more comfortable on the sofa, and Steve offered her a pillow and blanket. "Might as well settle in for the long haul, right?"
She laughed softly. "It might take all night to sort out your head, Rogers. I guess we should start with why we didn't tell Tony about his parents. I'm not sure we can justify that decision now that I think about it. I feel badly about it and wish that I had acted differently. I think I could have told him in a way that still kept Bucky separated from Winter Soldier, and that Tony would have been upset, but would have had more time to process it first. He's got a pretty big heart even when he's mad underneath all of his ridiculousness."
He shuddered. "A heart I slammed my shield into until his Arc Reactor shut down his suit. It took them 18 hours to retrieve him from Siberia? Those jerks could have been there in seven. Ross left him there to punish him for not capturing me!"
Natasha smiled sadly, "Most likely. He's a vindictive little troll. When you busted the team out of the Raft, Ross called Tony, but he put Ross on hold and just left him there. I wish I'd been there to see it."
"How do you know? Who's your informant on Team Stark?"
"Rhodes. We stay in touch. He told me straight up that he wasn't keeping any secrets from Tony, and that he would show him any communication we have. He absolutely will not risk losing Tony's trust. Sometimes, Tony throws in a, "Tell Natasha to stay safe," or a, "Tell Natasha she can take the knife out of my back anytime she likes," She shrugged. "It kind of depends on what kind of a day he's having. Right now, the bad seems to be outweighing the good, but I hope to try to change that."
Steve leaned forward, his head resting on his knees, and Natasha put a hand on his back in a gesture of comfort. His voice was muffled when he said, "I'm going to start at the beginning and tell you every single thing that happened. Take notes if you have to. I need to make sure I'm not leaving anything out. I'm not doing this to another friend. All of you should know what happened, what I did, what Bucky did, and what Tony did. If anyone wants out after finding out the details ... I sent Tony a phone and a letter, which ... when I think about it now, probably came across as pompous and self-important, but ... I won't ask him to forgive me, but the team - I think he would consider helping any teammates who might be willing to sign the Accords."
Hesitantly, Natasha said, "I think he might even want to, but Ross has his hands tied, and last I heard, Rhodes was having a hard time keeping him from the edge. I'm not sure he can help anyone unless he gets some help himself."
