I do not own PPG or it's characters.
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Chapter 4: Emotional baggage
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Entry #47:
I'm slowly going insane. It seems to be that lately, all I can ever think about is.. Well. Pleasing myself. Sex as well, I suppose. I get horny at the most random and, might I add, inappropriate times. I will over hear someone mentioning their weekend "sexcapades" (a common slang among my peers), and while not in full detail, I can fill in the blanks just fine on my own. It's unnerving to say the least. I don't like not having control over my composure, my body, my mind, and myself. I can't stop thinking about it. About when I will be so brave. So in the mean time, I drive myself crazy by NOT helping myself. I believe I wrote of the few times I have broken, which by my count is five. But I don't think I can take this anymore.
I wonder if the lust will leave for longer periods of time if I just help myself when needed, instead of holding back. I think I will be trying this theory out. Hopefully, this time I can truly focus on having Dexter in my mind instead of another. I feel guiltier and guiltier every time. Why can't I just think of him? Am I not attracted enough to him? What is it about him that I can't see as sexual? Is it me? I care for him a great deal. Well. I'll do my best to think of Dexter this turn. I really hope it works for me.
Good luck Blossom!
xxx
Crack. Brick looked down realizing that the glass of whiskey he held in his hand was now in the process of breaking. He squeezed just a pinch more and the entire glass shattered. He flicked his hand of the glass and welcomed the burn of alcohol running through his open wounds. It was the first time Blossom mentioned caring about the fucking shit stain. And while she mentioned each time how she could barely focus on anything, this was the first time she sounded determined to think of him. Usually she would just brush it off and move on, wondering why he didn't come to mind. The answer was obvious. She wasn't attracted to him. Not really. She seemed to be tied to the idea that both his body and mind suited her perfectly, when really, Bloss just liked the intellectual conversations they had. It would have been no different if Dexter were a girl, or a dog.
Brick used his clean hand to take off his cap and run his fingers through his hair. He'd been contemplating cutting it, but felt rather fond of the length, liking the feel of the strands between his fingers. Especially as of lately. It held more of a significance to him now. It was all he had comparable to the real thing. So he decided he would keep it until he finished the notebook. Then he would try to rid himself of his hair and his messed up feelings. Brick hated this damn book. He hated it with his being. But he couldn't stop himself from growing attached to it, like a life line at the end of the day when he couldn't contain himself from feeling fucked up.
Brick limited himself to reading only a few entries a day. Some were longer than others, so he would keep between 2-4. He skipped his new daily ritual yesterday, and felt off all of today, so he decided to say FUCK IT and planned to read up to 6 entries this evening. It had taken him an entire week to get to this point, and his brothers had been trying their hardest for Brick, not to ask questions about when their next heist or general criminal action would be. Butch would busy himself by working out and hitting on anything with legs, and Boomer would stay home and paint, sometimes write. He tried to get Brick to come outside on a walk with him, but once they were at the park, Brick felt like he was being watched. The oddest part about it was, he welcomed the intrusion and even felt himself get an erection. That was the point that he decided, going outside was, for now, a bad thing.
It wasn't the first time Brick had felt eyes on him. Hell. The past month or so he'd been feeling as though someone was watching him, but he could never find who. It was always random, but he found a pattern, and learned to avoid the park, the bank, and the library. He'd been meaning to get down to the bottom of that, but was distracted with Blossom's odd behavior, and now the damn notebook. He currently had, as he predicted, a cork board full of odd ideas, feelings, and reactions that he needed to sort out as well. But for now. Another entry.
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Entry #48
Well. I struggled last night.. It was strange..
The girls and I were out and about, being proactive and looking for crime, when I thought I heard a familiar voice. Yelling. Angrily. I told the girls I would meet back up with them or yell for back up, if need be, to investigate a potential...Domestic abuse situation. At first, they insisted on following me. I convinced them, however, in letting them know I wanted to blow off some steam by taking this one alone. They reluctantly agreed, and I flew off in the direction I could have SWORN I heard the voice.
Needless to say. I was right.. I found what seemed to be an argument going on between the RRB. Brick was...Disgustingly chain smoking silently, while Butch was yelling angrily. I only caught the last part of what he said.. It sounded like.. "fucking bitch!" And he proceeded to punch the brick wall in front of him, causing some property damage. I almost left my spot from the corner to confront him, when suddenly, Brick snuffed out the cigarette he had on his arm.. And slammed Butch against the damaged wall. The conversation that followed was a bit hushed, and there were random times that Butch would get rowdy, trying to break Brick's hold but then, Brick finally let go and told them something I don't think I could ever forget.. It left me feeling.. A bit.. Drained. I didn't want to hear any more, and I wasn't going to interrupt what seemed like a precious moment between the boys, so I just left.
It didn't stop my thoughts from wondering though.. Needless to say, my sex drive went back down to none, and I managed to get 3 hours of sleep. I just.. Why did he have to sound so.. Humane at that time..?
Keep your head straight Blossom. Don't let it get to you..
xxx
"...Goddamnit..." Brick got up and went to his personal restroom to finally wash his hands, as he let his mind wander. Of course. Blossom would have just SO HAPPENED to hear THAT particular conversation. She was right. It WAS a precious.. No. A PRIVATE moment. One that finally made his boys realize what he's always known.
No one. Would love them. They couldn't understand what it was like to be them, to have a constant need to destroy everything. And they wouldn't try to either. Brick didn't blame them. They were humans. Only the lowest of the low could potentially understand, and they couldn't even love themselves, much less another person. So he had to finally rip off the band-aid and explain to his brothers. No one. Will love them. No one, will care past a certain point. Everyone. EVERYONE. Will always expect the worst from them, hell that's why some of them stayed the longest. And there was NOTHING. They could do about it.
It's why Brick cherished his brothers so much. It's why he protected them from the truth for so long. He thought they might figure it out on their own, but when Boomer had his heart fed to him that day.. Butch lost it. Brick knew that Butch felt as he did. That if anyone, their Boomer deserved better. But he was once again, duped, for not being enough of one thing, and too much of another.
Just thinking of that day was making Brick weary.. He hated seeing those glassy blues, filled with disappointment, hurt, and a bit of shame. Boomer had nothing to be ashamed of. He was a great brother, companion, and asset to their team. Even being as sensitive as he is, he can leave his bullshit at the door and get his game face on for EVERY mission. Every heist. Every meeting. He never lets others see that weakness that he has. Unless you worm your way into his heart. Then he slowly comes out, like a turtle from it's shell. And then just as slowly, it's painfully over.
After shutting off the faucet, Brick banged his head multiple times against the mirror. He just couldn't muster up reading another entry tonight...
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YAY! Thanks for all the reviews! :3 I will be updating promptly! I just like to reread everything after a day, to make sure I didn't leave simple plot holes, shit grammar, or if I just overall want to change something. :) Next chapter will probably be released today. Maybe in like an hour? 2? I know this one is a bit short..
Figured I would use this chapter to give clarification on Brick's statement last chapter. Also, I wanted to give Blossom a reason to think he's more than just a hot criminal. Give him a little humanity, to show he has this resignation about their position in life and just endures it. Hope that was conveyed. Next chapter will be longer.
Review?
THANK YOU! :3
