An Understanding: Part 4

Worse walks have been taken, but neither reporter could think of one as they trudged into town. Several vehicles stopped and asked the two if they wanted a ride, but Lois waved them off each time.

They arrived in the early afternoon, tired, sweaty, and completely unresolved. Their motel was indeed crappy; a long, two story, concrete eyesore. As Lois harrumphed herself onto the garish floral quilt on her bed, she thought back to a report on television concerning cleanliness in hotels, and inwardly shuddered. Wasn't this the type of place in movies where people had affairs or were killed over drugs?

She felt better after calling Jason and the office, though she didn't really appreciate Perry's laughter over the cow.

She unpacked; making sure her jewelry was carefully tucked away under her underwear in the back of the drawer. As Lois slowly took off her clothes, she paused, wondering if Clark was watching her now, through the wall. He was just next door, so what was to stop him. His sense of propriety, she was sure. Maybe she should give him a little show, but no.

After dressing, Lois ventured from her room just as it was starting to get dark. As she passed Clark's door she paused. The light and television were on, but the shades were closed. With her angry receding a bit, she raised her hand to knock, but reconsidered.

Walking several blocks from the hotel, Lois noticed quickly that Oneida wasn't nearly as small as she had expected. There was a long main street, its shops light just starting to make a difference in the dusk. The side streets were also filled with activity and bustle and beyond the main street was an artificial glow, probably from a larger shopping area. Lois' stomach grumbled, and she realized that she hadn't really eaten since breakfast. There were many restaurants to choose from, each packed full with people coming for the fair, their happy conversations wafting with sweetness on the air. Lois felt that she couldn't sit there surrounded by the contentment of others just yet, so she was grateful to spot a Walgreens.

Slipping inside Lois picked up a basket and walked around slowly. The options there didn't exactly mesh well with the Atkins plan she had been trying to follow lately, and she stood in the chips aisle for a minute, pondering. But then, up in the corner she saw it, the forbidden snack that haunted her dreams: Cheetos. Carefully reaching for the bag, she held the bright orange bag tenderly, considering if she should give up her health resolve so easily. Should she? The tiger on the bag gave her the thumbs up.

"Well, if you say so," and into the basket it went. Soon root beer, M&M's, gum, and chapstick joined the Cheetos. And after considering the basket's contents, Lois threw in Tums as well. Grabbing a cheap sweatshirt, she plunked her selections next to the register.

The older man behind the counter smiled and shook his head as he scanned her items. "So, what did he do?"

Lois look up, "Huh?"

"The only reason a beautiful young woman comes in here on a Friday all alone buyin food like this is if a man has done something stupid. I should know, my wife's been on many runs like this herself. So, I'm not trying to intrude, but what did he do?"

The man smiled at her, and she felt at ease with this stranger. "He, um, lied."

The man chuckled, "Yeah, that's a good one. Been there, done that, still regret it. Ever had an honest to god toaster oven chucked at ya?"

"Can't say I have."

"If you see one coming, duck." Lois laughed. The man leaned over and picked up a chocolate rose and held it out. "Here."

"Oh I couldn't."

"Come on, take it. You need something nice tonight, I can tell."

"Thank you." Lois took her purchases and headed towards the door.

"And honey?"

"Yeah."

"If you love him, forgive him. Being alone is worse then being angry."

Lois waved. "I'll keep that in mind."

The sun had almost set as she trudged back to the hotel, plastic bag twisting round and round in her hand. She climbed the hill she'd seen behind her room, put on her new and highly fashionable sweatshirt and sat down. The sun was set, and stars were beginning to blink overhead. Below, Oneida glowed pleasantly. It was quiet here, peaceful, safe. As Lois tore into her diner, stopping every few mouthfuls to greedily suck on her fingers, she resigned herself to thinking about everything. Clark. Superman. Richard. Jason. Herself. She felt adrift with possibilities and consequences. But one thought pervaded all others.

What in the hell am I doing?

Clark Kent was miserable, but he deserved to be so. The walk into Oneida had been like a baton death march. Clark rarely failed in life, but when he did, he failed spectacularly.

Stopping planes? Easy.

Lifting islands? Not so bad.

Putting out fires? Why not.

Telling the woman the woman he loved, and the mother of his child, that he was living a double life? Now that's hard. Lois was right to be so angry, only a person who was brainless wouldn't be.

Clark was equally unimpressed at their accommodations, but after living in space for five years, any soft, warm place to sleep seemed fine. After showering he lay on the bed and tried to watch TV or sleep, but found it impossible. The tension and regret were keeping a strangle hold on his mind. What he really wanted to do was look through the wall at Lois, just to check, like he had so many nights as Superman. It was self-serving and invasive, he knew, no matter how pure his intentions were. Lois had made a good point a while ago about evil and good. He still didn't know why he had become a superhero instead of a super villain, but he proved himself on the side of goodness that evening by not gazing through the wall.

After several hours not sleeping or paying attention to the television, Clark walked to the back of the building out of sight and flew to the sky. Even though his super hearing could still hear the world moving on below, there was still a comforting quietness among the clouds. He drifted high above Oneida, stomach towards the earth. Just outside of town he could hear a family sitting down to diner outside. Dishes rattled, children laughed, parents talked. It all seemed perfect. He knew that in reality that that family had problems and issues just like any other, but together, at that moment, everything was right. He hoped they enjoyed it.

He floated on a while longer before hearing faintly, "Clark, I'm ready to talk when you are."

He floated down to earth slowly, making one final decision. No mater what Lois said or wanted to do, he was going to respect her wishes. He loved her too much to do otherwise.

Clark landed quietly in front of her. "Hi."

"Hello Clark. Here, come sit next to me." She patted the ground and he sat down with grace, stretching his legs out and staring at his toes. The Clark Kent she'd known before the accident would have had trouble sitting down on the ground with ease, and she had to remind herself that Superman could be quite graceful.

"So, you're Superman," she repeated, though her voice was much calmer then before.

"Yeah."

"I feel so stupid. It was just the glasses and posture. Duh! Some reporter I am."

"Lois, please, don't feel bad. I had to try really hard to keep my identity a secret. In a way, your ignorance is a compliment."

"I also feel guilty for not noticing you as Clark Kent before not too long ago. Here I was, crazy over a Superman, and he was right in front of me."

Clark wove his hands together and flexed them. He looked so sad. "Don't be, please. When I decided I wanted to use my powers for the good of the world, I knew that I would need to keep my Clark Kent identity as well, for the sake of my sanity. But I also knew that Clark Kent would need to blend into the background, so no one would ever suspect a thing. I've cared about you for a very long time, so I didn't make my feelings known. I told myself that it was enough for me to have your heart as Superman."

"So what changed?"

Clark gave her a look that broke her heart. Was it possible that he was as alone as she felt, if not more so. "When I came back to earth, and saw you with Richard, I knew that I couldn't interfere with your relationship, it wasn't fair to Jason, or you. But when Richard left, I couldn't resist getting close to you. I lied to myself Lois. Loving you as Superman was never enough. I wanted you to love all of me. It scared me a lot, but ever since that first day I took you out to lunch, I knew I couldn't go back. I've wanted to tell you about Superman for a long time, but I was worried you would push me away. It's selfish, I know."

"Wanting love and affection isn't selfish Clark, its human." She placed her hand on his arm.

"It's selfish when my inaction has caused so much pain for you. Look at us Lois. I never, ever, wanted us to have this conversation out in the middle of no where, after a car crash."

"Agreed."

"But on the other hand, what if I had told you the truth that first night on the roof when I got back."

She thought for a moment, "Imagine my reaction at the car, only angrier."

"Exactly." They sat in silence for a while, letting the soft wind ruffle their hair, and the crystal clear sky offered no answers. "But what do you think of all this Lois. Whatever you think or feel I'll go with. I may question what you decide, but I'll respect it."

"I think that it's much more beautiful out here in the country then I thought it was going to be."

"That's not what I meant."

"I know." Silence. "What I need to do is…"she started. "What I mean to say is…" Lois tucked her feet underneath herself a bit and put her head in a hand. Her hair was tied back loosely and she wore no make-up. So beautiful. "OK, have you ever been to a bull fight. A real one, in Spain."

Clark shook his head no.

"Well, they're really kind of awful. Gruesome. See, you go in thinking that this is a really tough fight for the matador, because the bull is big and strong, and logically an angry bull should be able to tear a man in half right? But before the match begins, people cut the tendons in the bull's neck. It can't see or raise its head, and then it's taunted to run after something it can't catch while people stab it with spears. I don't think the bulls actually die, I think they just give up."

Lois was silent for a moment. "I don't think I ever stopped wishing you'd come back. For the first month I was certain of it, patient that one day you'd return. The second month I started to worry that you were hurt somewhere that I couldn't find you, but I still thought that one day I would be standing on the top of the Planet and there you'd be, smiling. The third month, I got angry. That's when people really started to speculate that you were gone for good. By the forth month, I had to agree with them. Plus, that was also when I figured out I was pregnant. At first I was confused. We had only kissed a few times, and that does not baby make. But I had heard that we'd spent a lot of time together before you disappeared, so I just put two and two together. Being pregnant was good in a lot of ways. It kept me occupied with something, and though I hated admitting it, I liked the idea of having a bit of you with me."

They smiled at each other good naturedly.

"Then I met Richard at six months." Clark tensed. "I was gigantic and crabby, not exactly the type of woman a man would look at and immediately be attracted to. But he was persistent, I'll give you that. And he gave good foot rubs, which became increasingly important. It was easy to fall for Richard. He's such a good man, Clark. He reminded me a lot of you. That's probably why I loved him." Clark hung his head a little bit, but Lois knew she couldn't lie to him about what had happened.

"Life went on without you. I had Jason, Richard and I moved in together, and we went on with our lives. The world seemed to move on. I could just charge along like the bull, no one questioning what was really going on. But I never stopped…" Lois looked away, unsure of what to say next. She stood up and walked a few paces closer to Oneida, her face slightly illuminated by the city's glow. "I never stopped wishing that one day you would come back. Waiting for that flash of blue and red. I told myself that it was because Jason deserved to know his real father, that it wasn't that I still loved you."

At this Clark stood up and went to stand next to her looking over the world itself.

"And then you came back. And everything I felt for you came back too, plus a lot of angry that you had disappeared at all. But I wasn't the same woman anymore. All I wanted to do was…" she sighed. "But there were other things now. Jason, Richard. I couldn't change their lives so dramatically. Having a kid, it makes you stop caring about yourself. I wanted you. But I needed to be there for Jason. I wasn't happy though, and I must be a bad actor, because Richard could see right through me. I don't blame him for leaving me. If the situation was reversed, I'd have done the same in an instant. And that first night alone in the house, I thought to myself, "oh good, now Superman and I can be together." But as soon as I thought it, it sounded so wrong. Richard had cried when he left. Cried. The only other time he did that was when Jason was born. How could I be this person who ruins other people's lives? I hated myself, and I didn't understand why I deserved anything."

Lois turned to Clark, openly, but silently crying.

"I still love you. All of you, Clark and Superman. I understand why you kept me in the dark. The loved ones of people in power are always the first to get hurt. I still wish you would have told me, but that's another conversation. I want you in my life. But I'm worried that if we're together I'll start to need you in my life. And if I need you in my life again, and you leave, I don't think I can handle that. Can you promise me that you won't leave me again?"

Clark looked placed his hands on her shoulders, drawing small circles with his thumbs. He knew he couldn't lie. "No. I have a strange and dangerous destiny, and I can't promise that I won't need to leave again, or that I won't die." Lois cried harder. "But I can promise that if you'll have me, if you'll take a chance, I'll do everything I can to be with you and love you. I went into space to look for my home, to look for answers to who I was. And it took me billions of miles to figure out that my home is here, with you. I'm the man who loves you, and that's all I need to know."

Lois could hold out no longer. She threw herself into Clark's arms, and he returned the favor. It had been so long for them both, but to each the other still felt the same. Lois was soft and smelled distinctly beautiful. Clark was warm and strong. They stood entwined for a long time, and as they pulled away they fell naturally into a kiss. It was gentle and loving, his arms around her waist, her hands roaming on his shoulders and hair. When they finally pulled away, each slightly breathless, Clark rested his forehead on hers and stroked her cheek with affection.

"This thing," he said finally, "Us. It's going to be complicated, isn't it?"

Lois smiled. "Yup. But worth it."

Clark grinned as well. "Definitely worth it." Lois stifled a yawn. "Come on, let's get some sleep." They gathered up her things and walk hand in hand to the hotel.

Outside of their neighboring rooms, Clark froze, not moving towards one or the other. Lois, already half way inside the door looked back at him casually. "If you want, you can get changed and come back over here for a bit." Clark looked startled, and inwardly his nerves were fried. Isn't this the outcome he had been hoping for? But so soon. Too soon. "Would you relax? I didn't mean that that. I mean sleep. I just don't see why we should to be so close but still apart. I'll leave my door unlocked."

"Um sure. I'll be right back." Clark grinned widely and bounded towards his door. Lois rolled her eyes. In most people, such goofiness and restraint would be annoying, but in Clark, they were endearing. She quickly changed into a tank top and shorts, and waited on the bed. She chided herself inwardly for being nervous. This was Clark.

Lois was brought out of her thoughts by a knock on the door. Clark stood outside, in a t-shirt and jeans with no glasses.

"The door was unlocked."

"I know," he came inside and looked around.

"Then why did you knock?"

"I didn't want to surprise you if you were, you know, naked or something."

"Clark, you've already seen me naked, remember."

"I remember," he said deeply, making both adults blush. Suddenly, it seemed very unfair that only Clark had memories of when Jason was conceived. But Lois knew she would have to change that another night.

She looked him up and down. "Are you really going to sleep in those jeans?"

He looked down. "Uh, no. I just didn't want to come over here in my boxers."

"Why? It's only, like, fifteen feet."

Clark sighed and took off his pants. "Someone still could have seen me."

"If you keep acting like this, I might have to start calling you Mr. Bashful."

Clark screwed up his face a bit. "Please don't. My mom used to call me that when I was five, so coming from you it just sounds wrong."

Lois laughed a bit, but soon yawned. Clark pulled back the covers and patted the space next to him, "Come on, sleep time." Lois hopped in and Clark turned off the light. They settled into together easily, Clark on his back and Lois to one side, an arm and leg carefully draped over his body. He put an arm around her waist, lifting up her top a bit so he could stroke the skin on her back.

"I just realized something," Clark said after a few minutes of silence.

"Mmmm."

"We still have the fair to go to tomorrow."

"We do indeed."

"Well, I'm looking forward to it."

Lois snorted into his chest. "I'm sure you are, farm boy. But Clark?"

"Yeah?"

"No matter what, I'm not eating a deep fired Twinkie." Her voice was getting sleepy.

His chest rumbled. "OK Lois, whatever you want." He kissed her head tenderly. "I love you."

Lois didn't respond. She was already asleep in his arms, and that was all Clark needed.

To Be Continued…

Alright, hope you liked it. Next few chapters will be at the fair. I'll post as quickly as I can. Promise!