"Was there a note?" JJ whispered, her eyes closed.

Derek looked over at her. It hadn't occurred to him to try looking for one. His priority was Spencer living through this. "I… I didn't check," he admitted, reaching over and grabbing her hand, squeezing it. "But, we don't need to know if there was. He's going to walk out of here and it doesn't matter what he put into a note."

"Yes, it does," she said, shoving his hand away. "Obviously something was going on his head that was so bad he felt the need to take his life. If he put it into words, I think we deserve to know what he had to say."

He sighed and Rossi spoke up. "I'll check his apartment. Maybe clean up the mess while I'm there. What's his address?"

"412 Washington Street, Apartment 23," Garcia spoke up, focusing on a tile on the floor, her chin in her hand.

He turned to Hotch. "If there are any updates-"

Hotch nodded silently. "I'll call you."

He took the keys out of his pocket and walked out.


When Rossi pulled up to the apartment building, parking, he got out and took the stairs two at a time. He looked around the apartment for any signs of a note: he checked the bedroom, the living room table, the couch, and the kitchen. He finally found a thick envelope on the bathroom counter, with 'I'm sorry' written on the front. He closed his eyes, sighing, and opened it. Inside were several smaller envelopes, one addressed to each member of the team. He shook his head, setting the envelope down and grabbing cleaning supplies from under the sink. He rolled up his sleeves, filled a bucket with warm water and pulled on a pair of gloves, kneeling down and scrubbing the tub clean. At the hospital, he had stayed strong for the team, but now he let the tears fall. Maybe if he'd listened to Spencer's enthusiastic rambles about his writing instead of constantly interrupting him or acting annoyed, this wouldn't have happened.

Once it was cleaned out, he ran the hot water, watching the pink water go down the drain. He threw the cleaning supplies back under the sink, taking off the gloves and tossing them in the bucket. He eyed the envelope on the counter, unsure if he should bring it with them. Yes, they wanted answers, but he didn't know if this was the right way to get them. If they read all the letters, he felt they'd be treating him like a victim, or just another case. Spencer was far from that, and he was a member of their family. He sighed, grabbing the envelope off the counter and taking out his car keys, walking out to his car and calling Hotch.

Hotch took his phone out of his pocket. Seeing that it was Rossi, he answered immediately.

"Hotchner."

Rossi started his car, setting the envelope on his passenger seat. He ran a hand over his face. "There are notes, Hotch. One for everyone."

He did his best to keep his language undetectable, so nobody would be alerted or alarmed. "I see."

"I'm on my way back to the hospital now. I'm not sure these are the answers we want, Hotch. These letters are like reading his journals. Shouldn't we just wait and see what he has to say?"

Hotch chose his words carefully. "I don't believe so."

Rossi sighed, buckling himself in. "I'll be back there in ten." He hung up, tossing the phone on top of the envelope and driving.


He got back to the hospital to see that nobody had moved from their seats. They all sat there in silence: not talking, not taking notice of each other, and not comforting each other. He got Hotch's attention and he got up, walking over to him.

"I don't think this is a good idea," Rossi whispered. "With how JJ lost her sister? This could take her down a road we don't want to see. With Garcia having no family and Reid being her little brother? We could lose her fun bubbly personality. Not to mention Morgan, who had to find him that way. How's he going to take this?"

Hotch looked at his elder. "I understand that, but people deal with things differently. We need to at least give them the option to see what he has to say."

Rossi handed him the envelope, tucking his own note into his jacket pocket.

Hotch walked over, sitting around his team. JJ took notice of the envelope and sighed. "He did?"

Hotch nodded, opening the envelope and pulling out five separate envelopes. "One for everyone on the team."

Garcia gasped softly. "You mean he already said goodbye?"

Morgan looked around at his team. "Do we read them?"


JJ didn't wait for a response, reaching over and grabbing the envelope with her name on it, walking to the other side of the waiting room and curling up in a chair, ripping open the envelope. She took out the letter, unfolding it and reading it to herself.

Jennifer. She choked up at the use of her first name.

I'm so sorry. I know that your sister left you, and I hate to do this to you, too, but you at least deserve an explanation why. First off, I want to thank you for taking me in as a little brother, and helping me feel included in your family. Not having one of my own, it was great to feel like I mattered for a change. Also, thank you for going to the Redskins game with me for my 24th birthday. I really enjoyed your company, and reading up on the game prior to it so I could keep up with your constant cheering and yelling at the refs. Thank you for making me the godfather to your son, and I'm sorry I've let him down too. There's a book designed for situations like this, When Bad Things Happen, and I'd appreciate if you would read it to him. Let him know that I love him and that I'm sorry I couldn't be there to watch him grow up.

Now, to the point of my letter. I'm really sorry to leave you like this. It was never my intention to hurt you in anyway, but I just can't stand to sit around and go unnoticed anymore. Everyone seems more annoyed with me than anything, and I fail to see a point in continuing to live this life of neglect and feeling like I'm the butt of the joke. I hope you can cope with this and eventually forget me, I'm sure it won't be too hard. Just remember to keep smiling, the world deserves to see you smile.

Spence

She closed the letter, biting her lip and sniffing. She felt responsible, because there had been several occasions where Spencer tried explaining something to her, and she brushed him off, changing the subject or walking away. She was also the one on the team who sat back at the station with him the most, and should've known that he was hiding something. She blinked, finally letting her tears fall.


Garcia glanced down at the envelope in her hands. He'd written 'Penelope' on the front of it, a name he'd never called her. She took a deep breath, ripping the envelope open and taking out her letter. Seeing how JJ reacted, she wasn't sure she wanted to do this, but she felt as if she had to.

Penelope,

Thank you for being the one person on the team who was always able to put a smile on my face. I could always count on you for some happiness, no matter how temporary. I want you to remember how much you matter to everyone on the team, including myself. You are the glue that holds this family together, and I know I can count on you to be there for everyone in this tough time. I hope that your bubbly personality and stay around, and that you don't mourn so much that you lose a bit of yourself. I promise, I'm not worth the struggle.

I hope that you can be there for Henry. You're the only godparent he has left now, and he's going to need you to be there for him. I was never much to him anyway – nobody can compare to you and how much you love children. I hope that, one day, you can have a child of your own, and I can watch over and see you as a mother. You'd definitely be perfect.

The world needs more people like you, Penelope Garcia, and I sincerely wish that you can find some light in these dark times.

Spencer

Aka your Boy Wonder, junior G-man, and 187

She was completely numb. She didn't have it in her to start crying or show any emotion. She sat there, frozen in her seat, unsure of how to react. She folded the letter, stuffing it into her purse, a heavy feeling in her gut that she could've somehow prevented this.


Emily was the next to open her letter. She'd never been especially close to Spencer, and wondered if he'd even had anything to say to her. She'd come into the team after their family was already established, and never felt any sort of closeness to him. Still, she ran a finger along the envelope and tore it open, taking out the letter inside.

Emily,

First and foremost, I want to apologize to you. I never really made a proper introduction, and feel as if I never really made you feel welcome. You definitely were, and you're a real asset to this team. I also want to apologize for the way I acted toward you when I was going through withdrawals. I was extremely judgmental and snapped at you constantly, and you didn't deserve that. I was also cold and distant after you came back from hiding, and I apologize for that as well. I never meant any of the bad-mannered words I gave to you, and you're worth more than any insult I gave.

I thank you for the times you've protected me. When we faced Benjamin Cyrus, you were brave enough to step forward and admit you were a federal agent when I was too scared to do so. You took one hell of a beating that I deserved, and I can never thank you enough for that. Thank you for letting me confide in you when I had my headaches. Though you never did check up on them, I've gotten them under control, for the most part.

You're a strong, fiercely independent woman, and the team is extremely lucky to have you. I hope that, since you compartmentalize the best, you can be there for the team members that need it, especially JJ and Garcia. It's going to be hard for them to cope, and I hope you're there for them. Derek's going to need it too, though he's too proud to admit it. Please be there for him.

Thank you for everything you've taught me, and everything you've showed me. Stay strong.

Spencer

She wasn't sure she was worth the apology that Spencer was giving her. He was obviously hung up on how he had behaved toward her, but she'd completely forgotten about how upset he'd been. She wished she'd had the opportunity to let him know that she never doted on anything he said, and been able to include him more, to show him that he was the biggest asset the team had.

Hotch and Rossi kept their envelopes tucked in their jackets, no desire to read the words and get upset in front of the team. Hotch knew that, as the team leader, he had to remain strong and be there for everyone else if they needed him. Rossi, on the other hand, didn't want to start looking at Spencer as a victim. He wanted to remember him for everything he'd done for the team, and not dote on the words he'd written down as a goodbye.


Morgan battled within himself to make the decision to read the letter. He cared about Spencer like the younger brother he'd never had, and still couldn't wrap his head around why he would do this. He finally made the decision, opening the envelope and pulling the letter out, unfolding it.

Derek,

Somehow I knew you'd be the one to find me. First, I want to apologize for that. I never wanted to hurt you or make you upset. I just needed a quick and easy way to get away from it all. I couldn't handle being everybody's afterthought anymore, and I promise you, I'm sincerely sorry you had to find me this way. I've felt like this for a while, and I promise, there's nothing you could've done or said to change my mind.

The first thing I want to do is thank you for taking me under your wing. Though you teased me, you made me feel welcome at the BAU, and made me feel as if I was always protected. You were there for me after Hankel, and after the Anthrax scare. You were the one member of the team who seemed to give a damn about me, and would always talk to me when I needed it. I'm sorry it wasn't enough, but I want to specify that this wasn'tyour fault. It's all mine, and please, don't blame yourself.

I want to ask a favor, though I know it's ridiculous to do so after what I've put you through. In my apartment is all of the information for my savings account. I want you to send all the money to Bennington, to keep my mother safe. I also have a letter that needs to be sent to her, if I really did succeed. It's in the top drawer in my bedroom, already stamped and addressed. Please send it to her. She needs to know why I did this.

To be completely honest, I wanted a much quicker way. I wish I'd used my gun – the unsubs have made it look so easy. At the pull of a trigger, it would've been over. I didn't have it in me, and I couldn't have done that to you. I'd much rather you find me this way.

If I somehow do make it through this, I don't want the team to pity me, and I don't want to be treated like a victim. I hope you can all continue as you have been, and just ignore me as you always have. My emotions and thoughts have always taken a backseat, and I hope that continues. I don't want anyone to dote over me or worry over my well-being. There are much more important things to worry about in your own lives.

Thank you for everything, especially being the older brother I never had.

Spencer

He closed the letter, exhaling, swallowing the lump that had grown in his throat and blinking back tears. He pushed himself out of his chair, pacing the waiting room, running a hand over his scalp and sighing.


"Morgan," Hotch started, unsure of what to say to console him, but knowing he needed something.

"He'd been contemplating this for years, Hotch. Years. And you're telling me a team of profilers didn't see a single thing wrong? I don't care how good he is at hiding his emotions. One of us should've noticed that something was up with him and he wasn't right in the head. We should all turn in our credentials right now for sucking at our jobs that much."

"I understand you're upset-"

"He wrote individual suicide letters, saying goodbye to every single member of this team. I had to find him a bloody fucking mess in his bathtub. I had to be sure he didn't succeed. I had to ride along in that ambulance and be sure he didn't die back there. I think it's safe to say I'm a little more than upset."

The rest of the team looked at each other. Never before had Derek displayed his emotions in front of them. Instead, he kept them locked up inside and was strong for everybody else.

Hotch rose from his seat, and with no words, wrapped his arms around Derek. He sighed, rubbing his back. "It's okay to let it out, Derek. You're upset, and you're allowed to be."

Derek bent down, resting his head on Hotch's shoulder, and finally started crying. He wished he'd been able to read Spencer's emotions and prevent this from ever happening.