The drive was silent, which helped my head clear out more. It wasn't perfect when we got there, but it was better than showing up out of my mind, which was something. It was still daylight, surprisingly. It felt weird to be back here in the daylight, on an absolutely normal day. No rain. No clouds. It was like… Like the world or the weather or the universe had no idea of what had transpired here; like it had all just decided to sweep the incident under the rug and call it a day.
Everyone got out of the car except me, and when Sam stopped to help I shook my head. "Give me a little bit." I requested. He nodded, once, and went to the back to talk with his brother. Not long after, Sam and Jack disappeared inside the house, whereas Dean took a seat in the back next to me.
"You feeling any better?" He asked.
"Mostly, yeah."
"Kylie…" He thought for a second. "Earlier, in the jail cell… You looked at me and called me Castiel. Sam told me he heard it a second earlier, too."
"I know."
"Why?"
"Because I could hear him." I replied. "I could hear his voice, telling me to get up and to keep fighting and to keep going, but I couldn't do it. And then I could see him, with the angel blade in his…" I couldn't finish that sentence, so I moved on. "And I kept blinking and seeing him sometimes, just dead with the blade or with a red hole and I," I took a breath, stopping myself from rambling on. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm not seeing him anymore, and I'm not hearing him. It was just a concussion thing."
"That's not what I'm worried about." He replied. "I'm worried about you. Sam told me that you were ready to die, in that other world." I looked away at that. Sam had told him. Of course Sam had told him. "And last night… You said it was supposed to be you."
"Yeah." I said. "I remember."
"Why would you do that, Kylie?" He asked. "How could you even think that was an OK thing to not tell us?"
"The spell to close the Rift had two major components." I replied. "I didn't have it all figured out until Crowley put in the rest, but they were angelic grace and a life, willingly sacrificed. It wanted all of the grace, and all of the life, not just a little bit of it. I couldn't ask… ask Castiel to sacrifice his grace, but I had some in me, and it was directly tied to my magic." I shrugged, still not looking at him. "I figured that… if I gave everything, then it would be fine. If I sacrificed everything, then everyone else would make it out OK. Crowley would be fine. Mary would be fine. You and Sam and Cas…" I wiped away a tear, hearing my voice start to break. "I didn't care about me. I wasn't important in that equation, not enough to let live. And when removing all of that started to rebound back on me… I knew that it would be the easiest choice to kill me, so that the rest of you could live. Killing me would've closed the Rift faster. You guys would've made it out, still, all of you would. Including Crowley and Cas. You all would've been safe on this side, and Lucifer wouldn't have had enough time to get out." I shook my head. "But Crowley… That stupid son of a bitch… He wouldn't do it."
"I don't blame him." Dean said, surprising me. "I would blame him more if he had done it, and shoved the blade through your heart. If Cas were here, and Crowley was here, then Crowley would've been dead in an instant because he didn't come back out with you."
"I was actually banking on him being him, and kind of disappearing before you guys could do that." I pointed out.
"But you still didn't answer my question." Dean argued. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"Wouldn't have been worth the argument." That was kind of it. They wouldn't have let me do this willingly, would've argued and fought and Cas… Cas would've been different. He was driven when he didn't know. Focused. He believed in what we were doing. "It was better to not tell you guys, and to just… Just get it done."
"You promised Cas you would marry him."
"I know."
"He believed in that."
"I know."
"You lied to him."
"You don't think I remember that?" I asked, suddenly enraged as I looked over at Dean. "You don't think that I keep replaying that conversation over and over and over in my mind, because that was the last one I had with him. I was so certain that I would die, so I lied and said that we would get married after this. If Cas hadn't… If Lucifer hadn't…" I bit my tongue, trying to calm down. It only worked for a moment. "The other me did it, and got married. The other me made better decisions, and she died too. So why do I have to live, when all I've done in life is make one shitty decision after the other, one mistake and screw up after the next and causing everyone I care about to hate me at one point or another, when the other me was good and she died? Why do I have to live and she has to die when she should be the one that was alive, alive and well and still making better decisions than I ever could, but I have to live with all of this?" I took a few shallow breaths, realizing how little sense I was probably making. "Out of all the decisions I've made in my life, I wanted to make a good one. I wanted to make one that mattered, and that would save the people I cared about. I wanted to be good. And now…" I looked over at the house. "The man I was supposed to marry is over that way, dead, and I can't help but think that it's my fault; my fault for Crowley killing himself, my fault for Mary being gone, my fault that Castiel is dead and over there, and I'll have to see that again, and then I'll have to burn his body, and it's still my fault."
I stopped myself fully then. If I kept going, I was just going to keep rambling. I just… I had to hope that Dean understood what I was saying. I wasn't certain if I could string the correct words together to explain it properly at this point.
"Well…" Dean said. "I can tell you that's all a big piece of bullshit, because it is, but I don't think that that'll really stick in your head until you actually are willing to admit that yourself. I can tell you that you did the best you could, that nobody blames you for anything that happened last night, but I doubt that you'll listen to that either just yet. So here's what I'll tell you instead." I listened quietly, waiting for him to speak. "You have a choice here. You can sit in this car, if you want. I'll tell Sam and Jack that you're still not feeling up to par enough to get out, and you can stay here while we do what we have to do. I doubt anybody would blame you for that."
"Or?" I asked.
"Or… You can get out with me, you can help me and Sam and Jack burn the bodies, and you can say your goodbyes. I can't tell you that this won't be painful, because it will be. It's going to be just like when we… when we had to say goodbye to Kevin. It's going to suck. But you'll be there, which I think Cas would've wanted. It's your choice, it's all entirely up to you, but… Either way, at the end of the day, I still believe in you. Sam still believes in you. I don't believe in Lucifer junior in there," he pointed at the house. "I'm still waiting for him to turn bad and kill us. But for what it's worth… I may not have been your number one fan when I first learned about you going witch, but I still believed in you, and that won't ever stop. So whatever choice you make… Know that I'm not going to stop believing in you, no matter what." He looked at me for a little longer before getting out, closing the car door gently behind him.
After a few more moments, I realized that there wasn't really a choice after all, no matter how nicely Dean had phrased it. Cas made it through thinking I was dead. I could… I could say my goodbyes. I could do that.
So I got out of the car slowly, and saw Dean leaning against the frame, waiting. "You knew I'd get out, didn't you?" I asked.
"I didn't." He replied honestly. "I just believed that you would make the right choice, even if it was also the hard one. I, personally, think you have a knack for doing that."
I walked with him inside the house, and we saw that Castiel's… No, I had to be able to say it. I had to at least be able to think the words, even if my ability to say the truth was sporadic. Castiel's body had been moved inside, and covered with a white sheet. Neither of us particularly questioned how or why. That wasn't really worth it. He was still dead.
He was dead.
Dean lifted up the sheet to double check, and nodded over at me. I came to stand behind him and saw him; saw Cas. His face was surprisingly peaceful as he laid there, on a kitchen table, his body about to be burned.
I reached for his hand gently, grasping it tightly for a second before removing the ring from it. I could see the necklace chain still on the table. When Dean looked at me questioningly, I already knew my answer.
"He kept them when he thought I was dead." I replied. "I… I can't just let this get burned with him."
"What if it makes his ghost get stuck?" Dean asked. I shook my head.
"It won't." I stated, absolutely certain of what I was saying. I knew, somehow, that it wouldn't. "Angels don't come back as ghosts, anyways." Dean didn't say anything after that, just let me take the ring. I laid his hand back down just as gently, and after a moment's hesitation leaned down to kiss him one more time. I moved away after that. Dean took a few more seconds to look down at his best friend before laying the sheet back down. I looked behind him at the curtains that were hung. They were flimsy, thin… Something that would light with ease.
Dean followed my gaze and saw the same thing. "Go get the chain." He told me, his voice soft. I nodded as he began to tear the curtains down, picking up the thing delicately, as though it would break any second.
"I know this is the worst time to ask, I am fully aware and I'm sorry if this makes you feel odd or… unsure. But I love you, and I've regretted from the beginning that I hadn't married you like I promised. So please, Kylie, after this is over," he undid the necklace and removed the ring from it, placing it delicately on my finger before he clasped both my hands tightly. "Will you marry me?"
"Yes."
Not a lie. I would've married him. I still wish I had before.
Just a promise that I didn't think I'd live to keep, but a promise I would rather make and risk breaking than a promise I wouldn't make to him in the first place.
I put his ring on the chain, and after looking at it for a moment longer clasped it properly behind my neck. I felt a little better in doing this, in having a bit of him with me.
I always believed that I could do anything, with Castiel's unwavering belief that I could accomplish whatever urging me on. Wearing the ring around my neck, like he had when the tables were reversed… I could feel his belief in me again.
I could do this. For Cas, I could do this.
I helped Dean tear off the thin curtains, and together we bound Castiel's body in them and the sheet. Upstairs, I could hear Sam and Jack doing the same thing. A few hours later, we had a funeral pyre built and two bodies ready to be burnt. It was darker by then, sunset. I stared at it all, finally letting everything sink in. They were dead. Cas was dead. Kelly was dead. I wished I had a body to burn for Crowley, but I had nothing. Anything that could've been his… It was probably back at the Cabin I didn't even know how to drive to.
"Do you wanna say anything?" Sam asked, looking over at me and Jack. I knew I did, I had so much to say that I didn't even know how to get it all out. Jack looked perplexed, however, at the notion.
"What do you say?" He asked.
"Right." Sam muttered, nodding a little as he thought. "Thank-you," he started, nodding a little as he did it. "You say thank you." Dean sloshed gasoline over the pyre as Sam continued. "And you say you're sorry. You hope that they're somewhere without… without sadness, or pain. You hope they're somewhere better." He paused, then, and I could hear his voice about to crack. I finished it for him, the sounds of gasoline and crickets falling miles away from me.
"You say goodbye." I summed up. Jack looked between me and Sam, seeming to understand. And with Sam's outline, I couldn't help but think of all the things I wanted to say for everyone.
"Hello, boys." The first time I met Rowena, she couldn't have cared less that I was there. She just sipped her tea from a Styrofoam cup, more nonchalant than I ever thought anyone could be with chains around them. "Who is this new lassie? You're all just in time for tea… unless you have something else on your mind?" Thank you Rowena, for sheltering me and keeping my secrets when I needed you to and for not being too pissed when I retconned you. Thank you for teaching me what Crowley couldn't, for shielding me from Amara, and for not freaking out when you learned the truth. Thank you for shielding me from Lucifer, and for advising that I not cross a line that would damn me for eternity. I'm sorry that I took your memories away how I did, I'm sorry that I deceived you for so long, and I'm sorry for all the times I put you in danger and for more than likely putting you directly in Lucifer's line of sight. I'm sorry that I didn't really ever give you a hug. I'm sorry that you died thinking you were the last of your lineage left. I hope that you're not in Hell, but that somehow God said that you were OK in his book and so he made sure you got the express train up. I hope you're happy in your Heaven, probably back in those times with Oskar. I hope you enjoy a peaceful and ritzy eternity. "Don't worry about it dear." She told me, the last words I would ever hear her say to me, as she pat my shoulder lightly. "Everything meets its end eventually."
"Mick Davies." He introduced himself almost in a James Bond style, offering a hand. He was in the back seat of the car that picked me up. The first time I met him, I shook his hand as firmly as my father taught me to for business meetings. "I've heard a lot of good about you from Mr. Ketch." Thank you Mick, for keeping my secret and for believing I was actually good. Thank you for having power bars stashed in the Compound. Thank you for listening to my ideas. Thank you for not turning out to be a total dick like Ketch. I'm sorry that you died, and that I couldn't save you. I'm sorry that it took me so long to learn you were dead. I'm sorry that I burnt the Compound that you actually put a lot of work in to, and made sure the only things left were ashes. I hope that whatever your Heaven is like, it's nice, and that you really enjoy it. I hope it's better than the shitty world you left behind. "I won't tell Ketch if you won't." His promise, about my abilities to get in and out of the Compound; the promise he kept to his last breath. "Sounds good. And as for your reassignment request, I'll have to confer with Ketch more on it, but I see no reason in why you wouldn't be able to work with the angel in finding Lucifer's child." He laughed a bit at that. "You may end up making more headway with him than he has been on his own, much less the rest of the Men of Letters back in London."
"My name is Thomason Jones." He was scared of me at first, and was outright lying about a lot of other things too, but I didn't care now. That was in the past, and that didn't matter. "Lady… Lady Bevell told me you were dangerous, and needed to be monitored." Thank you T.J., for being my best friend. Thank you for listening. Thank you for not wanting to kill me. Thank you for playing with Karma and talking with me and encouraging me to do the things I was afraid of. Thank you for being a good person. Thank you for putting up with my crappy jokes. Thank you for trying to warn me, and trying to get us both out before shit hit the fan. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you, either, and that I didn't even realize that it wasn't you until it was too late. I'm sorry that I started out as someone you hated. I'm sorry that I didn't see what was up sooner. I'm sorry that you gave your life trying to protect me, and I hope that everything I do from here on out is something that makes it all worth it. I hope that your Heaven is you with your family again. I hope that you're happy. I hope that you meet Kevin in Heaven, if you can, and get to see the other best friend in my life that I had and that died, because I think the two of you would've gotten along great. I hope that you can rest easy knowing that they didn't kill me, and that I tore it all down instead. "Just be careful." Those were the last words I heard from him that I knew were from him, and not the copy. Just be careful. The time stamps on the file about him showed that he died maybe two weeks after this phone call.
"Is this… Is this Kylie?" The first time I spoke with Kevin's mom was on the phone. I didn't see her in person until a few hours later. "My name is Linda Tran. I was told that you were… A good friend of Kevin's." When I finally met her in person, she had been ecstatic to meet me and had given me the biggest hug I could imagine. I broke down crying because of that hug. It was a true mom hug, something that I hadn't experienced in a long time. Thank you Mrs. Tran, for being the mom I hadn't had for a very long time. Thank you for encouraging me to go back to college. Thank you for supporting me in my choices to also hunt. Thank you for being OK with me bringing home a hellhound for a dog. Thank you for being a great mom, and for helping me study and making sure I was on the right track and for giving me a home when I wasn't certain where that was anymore. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for caring. I'm sorry that you died, and that I wasn't there to protect you either. I'm sorry that the Men of Letters got to you, and I didn't even know until it was much, much later. I'm sorry that I couldn't protect your son as well either. I'm sorry that I didn't finish college. I'm sorry that I didn't take your advice about everything else until after you couldn't see it. I hope that you're happy with Kevin, up in Heaven. I hope that you both enjoy yourselves there, and that you're both doing whatever makes your day. I know that you're at peace, and hope that it stays that way. "Bye, Kylie, and good luck. I know that you can do whatever it is you've got to do."
"You'll have to tell me if the burgers are any good." The first time I met Mary Winchester was after a hunt. I didn't realize exactly who she was until a little later in the conversation. In turn, she hadn't learned I had a hellhound with me that day until months after the fact. It was an interesting introduction that we both laughed at later on. Thank you Mary, for calling me family as well. Thank you for being the first Hunter I met that didn't want to kill me. Thank you for believing in what I did, and for not judging how I did it. Thank you for having two great sons that saved my life too. Thank you for making me welcome and accepted. Thank you for saving us. I'm sorry that the Rift didn't close in time. I'm sorry that I brought you in to the Men of Letters. I'm sorry that they screwed with your head, and I couldn't stop them. I'm sorry for never telling you thank-you for not killing me and not hating me and for generally being OK with who I was. I hope that Lucifer did the merciful thing, and killed you outright, but if you're still somehow alive then I'm sincerely sorry that I can't get you out of there, and that you're trapped in a shitty apocalypse world with Lucifer to use you as a chew-toy. I hope that your Heaven makes you happy, and that you can still get back to it even though you're in a different universe. I hope that somehow, you're OK. I hope that you don't resent me for not being able to get you back. I hope that you were able to somehow find peace. "Kylie!" Mary rushed to me first, holding back my hair. I was sick, I was puking in the driveway of this house. It was because of the Rift and Jack's power and an overload of things that shouldn't have existed at that moment, but were. I didn't realize it until now, but the last words we both said to the other were our names. Mary said mine as she made sure I was OK. I said hers as she fell in to the Rift with Lucifer.
"What a lovely catch here today," Crowley's voice, the first time I met him in person. That whole event was such a series of torture sessions and doing what I could to survive, I didn't even remember the first words he spoke to me until now. "Heaven's most adorable little Prophet and the one human that has eluded my grasp for years. Today must be my lucky day, don't you think?" We hadn't started off friends at all, not even close. I loathed him. I blamed him for a lot. We both tried to kill each other our fair share of times. But somehow a demon became one of my closest friends. Thank you Crowley, for a whole list of crap. Thank you for saving me countless times. Thank you for training me. Thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you for keeping my identity hidden. Thank you for keeping my secrets, in general. Thank you for trusting me, and for somehow bringing closure to me for the death of my own family. Thank you for failing to kill me so much. Thank you for not trying to kill me anymore. Thank you for being my council when I didn't think I had anyone left. Thank you for listening, and making sure I didn't hide anything from myself. Thank you for keeping me alive. I'm sorry that, in order for that to happen, you died. I'm sorry that I never told you outright that I forgave you. I'm sorry for not buying drinks more often. I'm sorry that I didn't see what was going on with you sooner. I'm sorry that your body is stuck in the other world, and that it won't get burned here with the others. I'm sorry that I didn't do more to stick up for you. I'm sorry that I didn't get the chance to cure you like you wanted. I don't think that you made it to Heaven, considering you're a demon and you died in an alternate universe, but I hope that despite all that you somehow still got a spot up top. I hope that if you did then Heaven isn't too boring for you, or if you didn't then wherever you are is somewhere that you can do whatever it is that actually makes you happy. I hope that, whatever faith you had in me, doesn't ever become something to question. I hope that you're with your son or in a world where your mom didn't hate your or that somehow, in death, you're a little happy. I just hope that you're happy. "And Kylie," I was ready to die. I was waiting to die. Hell, I had made my damn peace with it! I was OK with dying! Instead, Crowley leaned down impulsively, and hugged me tightly. "Don't ever give up. Don't ever stop fighting." I didn't think of him as an enemy anymore; I hadn't in a long time. I couldn't even imagine the person that had become my friend being the same demon that killed my family, tortured Kevin, and eventually killed me too. And when he stood in front of the Devil, I knew. Somehow, I knew what he was doing. It still didn't make watching him do it, or make hearing him say his last goodbye, any easier.
"Why are you crying, child?" That was the first thing that Castiel ever said to me, in person. I was crying because all I could remember was my family, and when I saw him… I'd been an atheist up until that point, and right then and there was willing to convert to whatever religion he told me was correct because he was God, at the time, and God was right in fucking front of me. And he fed me, and gave me the number of someone that could help. I didn't see him again for years, and when I did… He had me under his trench coat, beaten and battered and barely alive but saved, because of him. Thank you Castiel. Thank you for loving me, even when it was hard. Thank you for meeting me all those years ago after I prayed to you. Thank you for being real. Thank you for saving me so many times I don't think I can count anymore. Thank you for living with me, for being with me, for wanting to marry me. Thank you for some of the happiest memories of my life. Thank you for being my rock, my anchor, my reason to keep going when all seemed lost. Thank you for giving me the strength to go on, even when you weren't there. Thank you for still loving me after everything that happened. Thank you for being you, so wonderfully and perfectly imperfect that no matter what happened, the both of us still loved each other. Thank you for never leaving me. Thank you for… for…. For everything. I'm sorry that I didn't ever marry you. I'm sorry that you thought I was dead for so long. I'm sorry for hiding from you. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for yelling at you. I'm sorry that we didn't get to live in the apartment for a whole year. I'm sorry that you're dead. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that I expected to be the one dead instead. I'm sorry that the Rift didn't close fast enough. I'm sorry that I didn't get to tell you I love you again, just once more, because that's all I want to do right now is tell you that I love you and I miss you and I wish to every force in this universe and the next that you were here, alive, next to me, because you promised you'd make it out, Cas.
You promised you'd be OK, that we'd be OK. You promised me that we'd get married too, don't forget that. You promised me that after all this was over, it would be you and me, in whatever life we chose to live together.
I don't know where angels go when they die, but I hope it's nice. I hope angels get a Heaven too, but considering how you've never spoken of it before I don't know, I just have to hope it's nice and that you're OK. I hope that you can forgive me for going on what I thought was a suicide mission without telling you. I hope that you're somewhere nice, somewhere happy, somewhere good. I hope that you're OK with us burning your vessel. I hope that you came to terms with the fact that you're a good man, you've always been a good man, and that I'll never stop seeing you as a good man.
I hope that I see you again someday. I hope that we can be together again someday.
I hope that when my death comes, you'll be there to greet me and tell me that you were happy in Heaven.
I hope that you're OK.
I clutched the ring around my neck tightly, remembering that last conversation one more time. Just the end of it, the important part. The part where he believed that we'd both be OK, and I wanted to believe in his hopes so badly. "It's OK." He assured me. "I know you're scared, but it's OK. We can do this. I have faith in you, and faith in Jack."
"Thank you. I love you." I hugged him tightly, and kissed him one last time. "I love you, Cas."
I was thankful that those were my last words to him. They were good last words to go out on. They were true. I loved him. I would never stop loving him.
Everyone went around, saying their goodbyes and whatever they could as the flames licked at the wood and fabric that surrounded the dead. When it came time to me, I realized that everything I had thought, all those goodbyes that I could see in my head… I couldn't say them all out loud. It was a lot to say, and… I don't know. I didn't want to say them out loud, just keep them to myself.
I just said goodbye. It was the short version of what I was saying, and… apt. All I could do now that mattered was say goodbye.
It didn't make me feel better, but it didn't make it worse. It just made it… what it was.
They were all dead, and I was able to say goodbye. I could accept that. I could be OK with that.
We all left when the flames were gone, and only ash remained. Jack and I sat in the back seat, Dean and Sam in the front. We were going to make our way towards the Bunker and… figure things out from there.
As we left, I cast one last look backwards at the house. "Goodbye." I whispered the word again quietly, feeling one last stray tear make its way down my face.
It was all I could say. I just hoped that it was enough.
