A/N: Hai peoples! I hope you all are still reading this! Anyway, this is something that I would like to call an Intermission Chapter. It's a little bit more serious than the standard chapters for this fic, and it's told from a different point of view. The Intermission Chapters show a bit more of what's going on in this story and have plot-ish elements, so even if they don't have the same level of strangeness, you might still want to read them. Be sure to leave a comment or tell me what you think about this chapter/other chapters. Cheers!


"Well, this place wasn't too hard to find."

As Roman lowered the brightly colored pamphlet in front of him, he looked up at the corporate tower in front of him. Indeed, finding the place hadn't been too difficult, considering the ominous lightning clouds overhead, giant mechas, and the beehive fortress hovering alongside the main tower.

"This must be my lucky day," Roman said as he tapped the end of his cigarette. Word on the street was that one of Beacon's top students, Nora Valkyrie, was gathering an army of "evil-doers" to get revenge on Weiss Schnee for stealing her pancakes. Roman had no idea how she was going to pay everyone, but he needed a break from all that "private detective" bullcrap Neo made him put up with, especially after what had happened last night. Ugh, I don't ever want to have to think about that ever again. Besides, it would look great on his resume.

After Roman passed through the revolving doors, he came to the main reception area, where he saw what was clearly a man wearing a purple dinosaur costume. There also seemed to be a student from Beacon, resting on one of the benches with his heavy mace between his legs and his backpack to the side. Based on the information he gleaned from the school databases, he knew the boy was Cardin Winchester. While Cardin had accumulated a few minor infractions for harassing other students, he didn't seem like the type who would turn to criminal activity.

"Welcome mister! You look great today! Are you kids ready for a super-dee-duper exciting fun adventure today?" The man sounded one of those people on children's shows who dumbed down their speech to appeal to their younger audience. It was likely that the man was on drugs, though Roman couldn't say which ones.

"Maybe," he said, "I came to see Nora Valkyrie."

"Ohohohoho! Then you have come to the right place! Just take a number, and wait until it's your turn. Super-dee-duper!" Dear god, his voice is irritating as hell.

Roman sighed, and then walked over to pick up a slip from the red stand. Aside from Cardin, there didn't seem to be any others in the area, so he should have been able to just walk right on through.

Roman sat over next to the boy, noticing a few cuts and scratches on what little skin was exposed. "So, kid, what are you here for?"

"Got nowhere else to go."

"Aren't you one of those kids at Beacon Academy?"

"Had to ditch school for a couple of days." As Roman looked over to his new acquaintance, he noticed one of those plush ponies dangling by on a key-chain on the back of his rucksack. "You know those genies in the stories that ride those magic carpets?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Some crazy old guy dressed up like one of 'em broke into my house, killed my parents. Been on the run ever since. Had to live on the streets for the past couple days."

"Ouch, that sounds rough buddy."

"Meh, you get used to it. You just simply gotta make do with what you've got."

"Calling number six-hundred-eighty-two!"

"Oop, that's me. Say, I didn't get your name, fella."

"It's Torchwick. Take care, buddy."

"You too."

For two whole minutes, Roman simply sat where he was, twiddling his thumbs. A silver-haired girl with a ponytail stepped in during this time, with a blade strapped to her side. The pink in her outfit matched that of Nora's dress, but the way her armor wrapped around her body left a little less room to the imagination. The way her bangs curled over part of her face almost made Roman mistake her for Winter, though this girl's face seemed a bit too rounded. Honestly, she wasn't too shabby looking, though when Torchwick looked into her eyes, he saw nothing but a void. Man, what's her deal?

"Calling number six-hundred-eighty-three!"

Well, looks like I'm up. Guess I'll have to catch you later. As he strode past the receptionist's desk, he turned around, tipped his hat, and winked back. The girl gave no sign of acknowledgment. So much for that. No big deal, there's plenty of fish in the sea anyway.

Man, all the ladies are looking fine these days. The only problem was that some of them were just plain crazy, like his so-called "girlfriend," Neo Gasai. Now, he didn't mind girls that were into a bit of role-play, but Neo liked to take things a bit too far. And she had some really fucking weird fetishes.

One day, she literally decided to move into his apartment and transform it into what she liked to call a "private-eye detective's office," and now he couldn't get rid of her. Now that she found out about a few of his personal hobbies, there were going to be a few dead bodies piling up on Vale's streets in the near future.

That Beacon girl, Blake Belladonna? Yeah, she was probably dead already. The first time she killed one of his girlfriends, Roman was a little bit shocked, if not outright horrified, but now he was sort of used to it. It's a cruel world out there. Can't afford to care about anyone but yourself.

Maybe now he could finally catch a break.

At the end of the hall was a set of four elevators, one of which was guarded by a pair of Atlasian soldiers. Looks like Big Man Ironwood is here. All of the elevators looked like they needed special clearance to use, seeing as each one had one of those scroll-scanning devices.

While one of the guards had his rifle trained on the dashing rogue, the other one took out his scroll. "Your name?"

Roman raised his hands up, seeing as he wouldn't be able to whip out his cane without taking a few dust bullets in the chest. "Look, is that really necessary?"

"Name?"

"Ugh, it's Torchwick."

"Well, you certainly look like you're… quite the character."

"Looks like you've got the makings of a professional pimp-daddy."

"Heh heh heh…" Jeez, do they really have to go through my criminal record?

"Well, seeing as you're no small time criminal, looks like we're going to be setting up with the big boys." And here I thought I was going to get my lucky break.

The guard on the right turned around and held his scroll up to the nearby scanner. Once the elevator door opened, Roman stepped on through, where another guard was waiting inside.

Shortly after the guard had pressed the topmost button, the elevator began its ascent. Roman didn't know exactly how high up this building went, but he could feel a light pop in his ears about halfway through the wait. The car had the faint musky scent of cigarette smoke, and there seemed to be a few mud and blood stains on the peach-marbled floor.

The door opened. About time. Right on the white-washed wall in front of him was what appeared to be the company logo, a hammer with a lightning bolt through it. The company name extended to the right of it in bold lettering. "Nora Valkyrie's Evil Enterprise of Doom. Way to be subtle."

Just a couple feet to the right of that was what appeared to be your average office space, though many of the employees were wearing strange costumes and masks instead of normal business attire.

A pair of men wearing fancy suits and bowties approached Torchwick. The cords dangling from the sides of their ears and their sunglasses marked them as one of those secret agent types. "We'd like for you to come with us, Mr. Torchwick."

Just how is she paying for all this? As Roman looked back through the glass, watching the workers busying themselves with clicker games and excel spreadsheets, he absently followed the two escorts towards what appeared to be the main conference room.

While most conference rooms were usually separated from the rest of the office complex to keep executive decisions relatively private, Nora's conference room took this concept to its logical extreme. Not only did this room have a dozen armed guards surrounding its perimeter, but the entire room was sectioned off with a thick, imposing obsidian wall, complete with blackened gargoyles. Are those… winged sloths? Jesus, where in the world does she get all this dough?

When the two men in black opened the dark mahogany doors, a thick layer of smoke started pouring out from within, much like a stage show. At the far end of the room, he could see Winter Schnee and General Ironwood sitting on the opposite side of the black marble table. The two chairs in between them were facing away from the table.

As the dashing criminal stepped into the room, the doors closed behind him. Immediately to his left, he saw a man in a dark robe crested with gold, with a large diamond-shaped chest-plate covering most of his body. A six-eyed crow was resting on his left shoulder, and there seemed to be strange red markings on his left hand, one of which seemed to have faded out. Are those, command seals? Don't tell me, we're in the middle of a Holy fucking Grail War, aren't we? This shit just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

Right next to him stood a woman dressed up as Glynda Goodwitch. The woman's hair had a braid wrapped around the back that Torchwick instinctively associated with Saber, but the woman lacked Saber's pronounced sidetails. The girl wasn't too half bad looking, but he didn't like the way she glanced over at him with that sly grin on her face. He had seen Neo give him that look far too many times for his own comfort.

Roman began to look around the room, with all eyes trained on him. Most people would've buckled in this sort of situation, but Roman was no stranger to strangers giving him dirty looks. He knew he could easily weasel himself out of this mess, cause he was one smooth motherfucker.

Suffice to say, there were quite a few strange characters in the crowd. Is that a goat? With a monacle? And he's drinking tea?

"Is this a circus or something?"

"You've got that wrong, buddy." The seat at the far end of the round table turned around, revealing the Queen of the Castle herself. "This is my swamp, so you can take it or boop it!"

Nora looked a bit paler than Roman had last remembered. And she had fangs. Roman originally thought that Nora being a vampire was just another one of Neo's crazy conspiracy theories, but it turned out she was right on this one.

"Shit, you really are a vampire."

"Yup! You thought it was all fake, but it was really me, Nora, the whole time! Ren, show this boopy-head what it's like!"

As Nora stroked her pet sloth, the chair right next to her spun around, revealing Lie Ren's rotting, maggoty corpse.

"Jesus!"

"What's wrong there pretty-boy? Can't take the sight of a little blood?" The man who stood up looked like he had just gotten straight out of prison. Though the spiky hair and business suit didn't suggest a hardened criminal, the man had a look on his face that suggested he liked to fondle little boys at breakfast every morning. I should probably stay away from him.

"You're in with the big boys now," said a baby with an oddly shaped head. These people are nuts.

I've gotta be dreaming this.

"Well, it was nice meeting you all, but I've got some errands to run. Catch you…"

As Roman made for the door, the Saber/Goodwitch lookalike materialized in front of him, planting a crooked finger on his chest. "Oh? And where do you think you're going, eh pretty boy?"

"Out of my way, lady!" As Roman began to swing his cane, two gentlemen behind him grabbed hold of his arms, and then slammed his head right into the marble table. The blonde-haired lady loomed overhead, with that horrible, Neo-like grin on her face. Goddammit! Why do I have to get a boner here of all places?

"Nuh-uh-uh!" said Nora as she circled around the table. "You decided to join my company, so now you work for me! So as long as you help me in my evil plans to torture Weiss, we'll be best friends forever! Deal?"

Well, it looks like I'm stuck with these crazies. "Fine. I'm getting paid for this, right?"

Roman then heard Winter Schnee speak up. "If it would be of any consolation to you, Mr. Torchwick. I assure that you will be paid handsomely for your efforts. Not only does the Schnee Dust Corporation control the world's dust supply, but we have complete monopoly over almost every relevant industry in Remnant. In fact, all of Vale's supply of crack cocaine comes directly from us, so even as my poor, flat-chested little sister tries to interfere with our plans, she feeds directly into our wallets. It's like taking candy from a baby!"

"Huh, that plan isn't too half shabby." Roman was impressed to say the least. In fact, he felt like having some hard, rough sex with Winter Schnee right then and there, but then again, he felt the same about nearly every woman he met. It was too bad he couldn't see her face.

"Indeed, I was the one who got her addicted in the first place." Right at that moment, the two men next to Roman freed him from his hold. He then went around the table and took one of the nearest empty seats, right beside a red-suited gentlemen wearing a balaclava and a German doctor.

"Great my fellow sloth brethren! Now we can commence with our session of evil plotting! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Aside from Nora herself, the Saber-lookalike, a guy who was clearly a pedophile, and some big-browed dork wearing a golden crown and a tacky, golden-armored, spandex-laden butterfly costume, everyone made an awkward chuckle.

"What the fuck is wrong with you people?" exclaimed the guy in the butterfly costume. "Come on! Can't you see that we are a nefariously evil organization joined together against the common cause of good? Show some spirit for crying out loud!"

General Ironwood stood up from his seat. "Look, Mr. Monarch, not all of us are here for the whole 'evil organization' aspect of this. Some of us simply want a community with common interests, and if those interests include human experimentation, mass genocide, or murdering gay people, then that's fine by me. Outside of these walls, I own this city, so don't try bossing your way around while I'm here."

"Yeah, dipshit. Some of us simply want to take over the world, thank you very much," said the deformed infant, putting down his Sun Tzu's The Art of War booklet.

"Do you understand this?" After hearing Ironwood's words, Mr. Monarch groaned and then stepped back down.

Nora clasped her hands together, and then sprung them wide out, accidentally punching Ren's corpse in the face. "Okay, now onto the next phase of the plan! Based on what Beato and Mr. Swain told us, we know that Weiss has teamed up with her friends Ruby and Yang, along with some Neopolitan girl." Great, this is going to end well. It's not like my ex-girlfriend is going to chop my head off or something like that. "But anyway, I don't think she's too much of a threat."

"What the hell are you talking about, girl?" said the butterfly-costumed freak. "She took out most of my fucking men, and then some. Not a threat? She's Brock fucking Samson for Pete's sake!"

"Did someone say my name?" said Professor Peter Port, who happened to be sitting on the opposite side of Torchwick.

"Oh god, there's a Pete in here."

"Well, they are just henchmen, and henchmen are expendable!" remarked Nora.

"As much as you are aware of my opinions on common foot soldiers, I do think it would be most prudent that we cut our losses wherever possible," said the robed man, whose outfit concealed his lips. "While we still hold an overwhelming advantage against our adversaries, it would be unwise to flout it needlessly on ventures like this. We have lost two regiments. I had to use one of my command scrolls to prevent the situation from being a total disaster!" After slamming the end of his cane into the ground, he cleared his throat with his open fist. The crow sitting on his shoulder squawked. "I would prefer not to repeat another disaster such as this, if at all possible."

"But aren't you supposed to think like five steps ahead of people in Bingo or something?" said Nora.

"I will remind you that I was opposed to this open act of aggression in the first place. Some of us don't necessarily think of the consequences before acting." The man glared at the Saber-lookalike standing right next to him.

"Aren't you supposed to be a tactical genius or something, old man? A real mastermind would have crushed Weiss's team."

"And he would have been able to sneak a whole division of tanks behind enemy lines without anyone noticing," groaned General Ironwood.

"See? Even boop-daddy Ironwood knows where it's at." Nora reached out her vampire fist. Ironwood reluctantly returned the gesture. "Where was I, oh right! Weiss and her friends are also teamed up with Gwonam the genie, so it's very likely that they're going to team up with King Harkinian or whats his face. Now that Blake Belladonna is out of the picture, they're going to try looking for one of the great Kung Fu masters like Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee."

"Aren't they both dead?" said someone a few seats over.

"Who knows? Anyway, Yang has a stand now, so we're going to need to find our own stands and summon the other heroic spirits so we don't get creamed as badly as Beato over there."

Roman raised his hand. "Wait, you said heroic spirits, right? As in... Fate/stay night heroic spirits? Eh? Eh?" Nobody seemed impressed.

Still, even though he had already figured out the whole situation, he wanted to see if he could worm out how to summon one of those servants. It would vastly improve his combat aptitude, and it would provide him some degree of protection against his psycho ex-girlfriend.

"Yeah! I mean, we've already got Archer and Gilgamesh so we don't really need to summon..." Wait, they've got Gilgamesh on their side? The Gilgamesh? But… why would he be willing to work with any of these idiots? "...but I mean we are always in need of more people and we can always use them to make more money by selling their nude photos on the Internet. So, if you'd like to summon one yourself, that would be great!"

"Uh, sure, I'll go with that."

"Great! Talk to Mr. Swain or myself after this is all over! Anyway, the President of the United States is coming over to visit us tomorrow, so be sure to be nice to him. He's having trouble with elections in his home country, so we're going to lend him a helping hand! That's a wrap for today's meeting! Winter Schnee is going to make us all some homemade chocolate-chip pancakes a little bit later, so be sure to stay after!"

Winter tried speaking up, "When did I say…"

"If you don't make them, I will FUCKING RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT AND GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY PANCAKE MIX BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T FEED ME MY DELICIOUS FUCKING PANCAKES! So be sure to make those pancakes okay?" Nora tapped Winter on the forehead and went "Boop!"

"Uh, sure, Miss Valkyrie."

As Roman Torchwick got out of his seat, he briefly looked back at the scene unfolding before him as he stepped out of the room. Jesus Christ, these people are fucking animals.

But before Roman could finally have some peace, he felt an arm wrap around his shoulder. "You there, new guy! I'd like to have a word with you..." It was the guy in the butterfly costume.

I just can't catch a break today.