Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. If I did, the real leader of Organization XIII would have been Mithos from Tales of Symphonia. In my mind, Cruxis = Organization XIII.
"Alright Squall, you can't be angry at me forever, eventually you'll have to forgive me. How was I supposed to know that Huey, Dewey, and Louie were going to come running through that door? I had specifically stalked that spot and took note of when the little Chocobo-ass-head was going to be at Ansem's Study. How was I supposed to know that Tifa had finally caught up with him? Today was going to be the day, Squall. The day that I finally rid the world of the jiggly pile of angst that glares and tries to be like 'There is nobody that can understand the suffering I have been through,-"
"Seph, you're starting to..."
"But its Cloud, Squall. That wannabe asspirate just pisses the hell out of me, and makes me want to slowly twist his abnormally large head off his skinny, pale neck. ARGH!!!!!! Why are you the pissed off one, anyway? I should be annoyed, because I had the perfect plan, perfect Squall!! WHY HAS GOD FORSAKEN ME????"
"...Seph, you're ranting again. First off, man I really hate doing this, you are a freaking god yourself. You get to forsake others, and they don't get to forsake you. And Seph...if anything, Cloud will be wishing for you to kill him soon. A day, hell even a hour, with Tifa will do that to a person. I swear she's worse than Reno, Irvine, Wakka, and Cait Sith all rolled into one. Hey, I have an idea, since you can't kill Cloud today, why not get rid of Cait Sith? I mean you owe the cat-robot-person-thing like fifty bajillion dollars in debt..."
"...Is Bajillion even a word? Plus, ITS NOT THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!! THE HATRED THAT THE GRUNT AND I SHARE IS SPECIAL, SQUALL!!! IT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE TYPE OR MEGA-LOATHING THAT WE FEEL, YOU HAVE NO MAJOR ENEMIES WHO FUCKED UP YOUR LIFE FOR FUN!!!!"
"...Dude, the guy who: picked on me mercilessly as a kid, stole my bad ass weapon choice, slashed my face open, stabbed me with icicles, tried to kill me countless times, and slept with my ex-wife while we were married, lives in Twilight Town. He never loses the chance to rub it in my face how much he fucked me up. And why? Because there was nothing better to do in Balamb. I mean our 'cultural reading' besides text books, were pet magazines. Fucking pet magazines. I read all of those so many times because Rinoa forced them on me, that I remember what volume that Angelo learned each attack from. Wishing Star is form Pet Pals Volume Six, Angelo Recover, Volume Two, and Invincible Moon was from Volume Three. I really fucking hate Angelo....and Rinoa. Fucking bitches."
"What? Wait, are you talking about your gunblade, Squall? Because if that's the case, I would have to disagree, because it is a fucking useless weapon. I mean, Yazoo had one...If he had one then you gotta know that its totally a pussy-ass weapon-SHIT!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WERE FUCKING MARRIED AND YOU NEVER TOLD ME???? AM I YOUR SECOND CHOICE, YOU, YOU....GODDAMNED PRICK????"
"Seph, Rinoa's been dead for like...ever. I don't think that it really matters anymore. I mean we've been together for like a year, and I'm happy with where we are. Aren't you?"
"Oh, I would be oh-so-much happier if you were in the bedroom, your body naked and glimmering with sweat, as I slowly pleasured you."
"...Okay. We have you going from, whiny to homicidal, to emo, to angry, to perverted. That little list there makes me think that you are drunk off your ass, and are probably going to act like the fucking idiot you are. What I don't get is how the fuck you got drunk, I mean I got rid of your liquor and told none of the bars to serve you..."
"Ah, but you see this little pouch that is in my pocket Squall? It is a gallon of pure alcohol that is being fed directly into my bloodstream to give me a bitchin' buzz. I mean both Reno and Cid said that this was trippy, but man it feels good. Like I'm eating fuzzy slippers. Like your fuzzy slippers, you know the ones with the cute, wittle lions on them. I think that I could just eat you up when you where those, I mean you look so innocent and cute, and shy, and virgin, and....Hey you wanna go to bed now?"
"...Seph its not even two in the afternoon. I really don't want to spend the rest of my day there. I should be doing construction work for the restoration, but then you had to go and almost kill the Duck triplets..."
"Cheeky little bastards. I mean I slide my blade over their feathery necks and barely break the skin and they start crying like a bunch of....Clouds! Oh, and I know what time it is HP, but I thought that maybe we could have a little 'afternoon delight' if you know what I mean? Nudge Nudge Wink Wink."
"...You're supposed to actually do the actions, not say them you retard. You're just a fucking retard, or a fucktard as we say now. And do I even wanna know what the hell 'HP' stands for?"
"Heh, are you sure that you're not drunk too, Squally-boo? I mean you're acting almost as zany as me. Maybe, since I'm so badass and awesome, the drunked-ness just rolls off of me and diffuses across the air into your body. Hmmm, I can think of some better things to enter your body... Oh what was your question again? I was thinking about more...pleasant thoughts. Oh oh oh oh, I remember now. The HP thing. Well you see, you have a scar on your forehead-"
"You don't say? Man, how could I have missed that..."
"-which coincidentally is in the same place as a certain scarred wizard. Hence the name, HP the initials of the aforementioned wizard."
"..."
"Hey if your Harry, does that make me your Draco? Oh that works out great, as Cloud can be Ron."
"..."
"Squall?"
"...Or maybe Draco wants to hook up with Ron."
"What Squall?"
"Maybe Harry doesn't wanna talk about Ron anymore."
"...But Harry and Ron are best friends, that makes no sense. I mean they have know each other since their first year of Hogwarts."
"...I have to get back to work. I might work late, so I'll just stay at my parent's house tonight-"
"Wait Squall!"
"Later Sephiroth."
"...Shit. What did I say that was so wrong? Dammit, now I won't be getting any today. Oh, now I'm talking to myself too. Fabulous, simply fabulous. I might as well head to the Crystal Fissure and start beating the crap out of some Heartless. Killing stuff always makes me feel better, almost like being drunk without drinking."
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"Sephiroth!"
"Oh hey Cloud, do you mind impaling yourself through the chest with that crystal over there? I'm too busy trying to ignore you."
"Now, as much as I don't want to have a civil conversation with you either, we kinda need to. No matter how much I want to feel the cool metal of your blade slicing through my skin, tearing through blood vessels and causing my blood to spill out..."
"And people wonder why the hell we fight so much, its because your such a freaking masochist!"
"...Tch, whatever. Now what has your panties in a twist?"
"You totally stole that from Squall...SQUALLY-BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME????"
"...Ah, problems with the missus. That's why Aeris was able to sense, and I quote, 'A disturbance in the force,' since she has been stalking you to for so long and all. That's probably the same reason why Yuffie started spazzing and ranting about how she'll never get her materia now unless she 'choked a bitch.' Why the hell are all the females in our lives crazy?"
"Because you touch yourself at night. Anyways, I did something wrong, but I have no idea what. AND NOW MY LOVE MUFFIN HAS DESERTED ME!!!!"
"Fuck you. What exactly did you say to Leon, us brooding types are very fragile. Our frozen hearts are shattered and almost bursting from the pressures in life. Exploding hearts in a fountain of blood...mmhm"
"You are fucking nuts, and I'm saying that as a person who seriously wants you to die in a painful and humiliating way. Grow a pair, you fucking pussy. And I would never 'fuck you' or allow you to do such a thing to me. I would snap your floppy arms in half if that ever happened. You know what, why don't we just fight now?"
"I left my sword in my other pants. Plus Aeris would slit my throat with her shovel, and Yuffie would ninja-slap me if we fought now. Its close to a bitch-slap, but since Tifa has claimed ownership of everything 'beetch' related, Yuffie had to rename it. But it still hurts like hell. And that feels so good..."
"..."
"Like you weren't thinking the same thing. Have you ever noticed how many times you mention me, oh Silvette of Doom?"
"I never talk about you! I can't remember the last time I talked about maiming you with a butter-knife, or peeling your skin off with a cheese grater!!!"
"You call me the pain-addict? Anyways maybe that's your problem with Leon, he's sick of you always talking about me. But I can't blame him, I am the superior one. I mean look at all my fangirls."
"Your number of fangirls is significantly lower than mine still, Strife. Dammit you're probably right, but don't let that go to your head. It's plenty big already."
"It's just the hair, trust me. I really freaking hate my hair, and it always gets in my way with fighting and all. I wonder how it would look, blood clinging to the strains of blond hair, coloring it a brownish color..."
"Yeah, yeah, you're a freaky asshole, that's already been establish Chocobo-head. But, I don't know what to do next, I mean Squall's staying over at his parent's house tonight and I've never met them."
"...Sephiroth, you've known Cid for over 13 years. He definitely knows you, he still calls you 'Psycho' whenever your name is brought up in conversation."
"BUT ITS NOT THE SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!! I haven't met him yet as Squall's Boyfriend, and Squall's Daddy. I need to have that distinction, plus I haven't met Squall's Mom yet either."
"...You know I never got how Cid is considered Leon's father, and Laguna is his mother. I mean Laguna is the one who actually fathered Leon-"
"...You aren't questioning the family rock are you Cloud? I know I won't have to slice a dumbass, will I?"
"...Not at all Sephiroth, just put down the sword. I can't help you with your problem if I'm dead, right?"
"Actually, it would solve my problems if you were dead, but I won't kill you. Yet. I have morals, like don't kill an unarmed idiot. And, If I did that, I don't think that Squall would talk to me at all."
"Why are you still here anyway? I thought that as soon as you realized what you did wrong you would be on your way, gallivanting through town to find your princess."
"Squall wouldn't want to see me now."
"I'm sure that's not true, I'm mean I don't understand it, but that guy seems to...like you. Argh, I feel dirty just for saying those words. What I wouldn't do for a dagger through my femoral artery right now..."
"No, you see I'm drunk off my ass, which is the only reason why your wish isn't true right now. And Squall hates it when I'm drunk."
"What happened to the whole 'I am a person with morals' bullshit?"
"Oh, I was just fucking with your head. Again."
"..."
"Later, Puppet."
"...Oh death and pain, I love you for what you do for me. You help me to escape from all these fucking assholes, and crazy people."
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"Getcha fuckin' ass away from mah fuckin' property, you fuckin' Psycho before I lance ya fuckin' chest!"
"I missed you too Captain. Now, if you could please call Squall so I could speak with him for a while, that would be much appreciated."
"No fuckin' way would aye ever let ya talk to mah fuckin' boy after whatever the hell ya said to him. He's been a fuckin' wreck since he got 'ere."
"Really, that's surprising. I never meant to hurt him though Cid, you need to believe me on this one. Please let me in."
"Now why should Aye do that? There is no fuckin' way that Aye-"
"CID~~~ Let the poor boy into the house. He's here on a mission: To save his relationship! You need to let him in here, or I swear to Hyne that you will be sleeping on the couch for the rest of the week."
"Goddammit 'Guna, give a man a warnin' before ya jump outta nowhere. And if ya gonna let the fuckin' Psycho into mah house, fix me some goddamned tea already!"
"Aye, aye sir! Now why don't you come in here...Sephiroth was it? I don't believe we've met before, I'm Squall's father, Laguna Loire. Pleasure to meet you."
"Ah, and it my utmost pleasure to meet you as well, Laguna. It's nice to see where Squall got his dashing looks from."
"Aren't you the little sweet talker? Now why can't you talk to me like that Cid? Am I not special enough, or do you love those ships more than you love me? I JUST WANT YOU TO BE ROMANTIC, AND SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET IN AN ACT OF LOVE~!!!"
"..."
"...Run Psycho, run."
"CID~!!! YOU WILL LOVE ME~!!"
"Squall...WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME???"
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"I'm pretty sure why you never introduced me to your family right now, Squall. They are fucking scary, Cid with his tea and lance and Southerness, and Laguna with his...Sora-ness. Wait does that make Cid, Riku?"
"..."
"C'mon Squall talk to me."
"..."
"Pwetty Pwease, with a dying fairy on top?'"
"...Nah, Riku's way too emo for Cid. Hell, Cid nearly pops a cap whenever I go around brooding and such. Like today he-"
"..."
"Mhmm...Seph...Wah..."
"....Nghh...."
"....Pfft"
"OW!"
"That's what you get for trying to distract me from how pissed off I am because of you! I try to be nice and talk to you, albeit about something inconsequential, but still! Goddammit Sephiroth, you can be a real pill!"
"Squall, I was only trying to convey my love for you and the fact that I was very excited since you were gracing my ears with your heavenly words."
"...You're sober, aren't you?"
"All for you my love. Why do you think I waited so long before coming and talking to you? I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't fuck it up like I'm inclined to do. I really don't wanna fuck this up, Squall."
"Then shut your damn mouth and stop being a fucking pussy and just forget about Cloud."
"He's my clone Squall, my 'brother' if you will. I can't necessarily forget about him any easier than I can forget about killing Aeris. Even if that was a sweet shot."
"...You're such an asshole. But can you at least take the time to think before you speak? And maybe take some Cloud-free days, they'll be good for your health."
"Anything for you Sugar Tits."
"Seph, I don't have...never mind. Let's go home before Laguna starts taking pictures with his camera. I never thought that I would say that I missed the Orphanage."
"...Just one question Squall. Why is Laguna considered your mother, I mean from what you've said, you didn't meet him until you were 17 and even then he is your biological father-"
"Seph, when you live in our messed up world of: talking ducks, music that follows you around everywhere-don't tell me you haven't heard it- and the fact that a mouse is king, you learn not to question anything. Especially the family rock."
"Ah, you're right. I almost forgot, Disney logic. Anyways, can we go home now Squall? Our bed is calling my name. Like you will be in a few minutes."
"...Sometimes I forget why I'm dating you. Then I remember. I was dropped on my head as a baby."
"I love how sweet you can be, Squall."
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"Ah Cid, its young love. Do you remember what is was like when you were young?"
"Dammit 'Guna, ya're older than me. Now where's my fuckin' tea?"
"If tea is a code word for sex, then coming right up~"
"Well either way, Aye get some hot stuff on mah tongue."
"You're such a naughty boy, Cid."
"Damn Straight. Not mah fault ya can't handle the captain."
"Oh, I can show you how I can handle your 'captain' right now."
"Shut ya piehole and get to work 'Guna, Aye ain't waitin' all day."
"Aye Aye Sir~!"
A/N: Alright...this is kinda weird, and all based off the idea that Lolerskatez dared me to use: "The Family Rock" If anyone wants a detailed list of the family rock (as far as the Organization XIII goes) just pm me. It's a thing that my friends, Lolerskatez, Oathy, and The Colonel thought up on a napkin that has been immortalized in our lives. Anyways, thanks for checking this out, and have a good day, I SAID GOOD DAY!!!
