Carson had respected his request and left him alone. The world was quiet again. Well, quieter than it was three days before in Carson's infirmary. The Scot had set up a schedule for his check-ups and promised not to 'disturb' him at other times. Rodney could see the bitterness on his friend's face, but he chose to let it go. Carson would get used to it, in time, just like he did.
After a few more days, it all became routine for Rodney. Seeing Carson each morning for a check-up, having breakfast with Sheppard in the Mess Hall, working all alone in one of the labs until Sheppard came to take him for lunch.
He still chose the planets for the teams to go to, he just wasn't one of those who stepped trough the gate. At times, he was jealous of those who came back with new information about the Ancients, or new Ancient devices, but every once in a while, the four man teams would come without a member, or wouldn't come at all. That's when he appreciated the safety of his own lab and wondered what made him go out there in the first place.
- --- --- -
There were two marines posted at the hall entrance, stopping all non-medical personnel from entering. There were a dozen scientists in front of them, agitated, gesturing towards the restricted area. As soon as they saw Rodney approach, they moved aside, allowing him to see inside.
The left wall was blackened in one large area, which corresponded to a door on the right. Rodney tried to remember who was working there, panic slowly overtaking him as he did. "That's Radek's project, isn't it?" The question was met by several nods, but Rodney didn't see them. He was staring at the black wall, dreading all the implications. The failsafe didn't activate. If it had, the explosion would have been contained inside the room, with no visible marks on the outside. If the failsafe didn't activate, then... He pushed the two marines aside and moved forward.
The small pieces of debris were cluttered close to the entrance of the room. Glass and metal. Melted glass and metal. He knew that no one could have survived this, but he needed to see, needed to know for sure. There were so many times when they survived when everything said they wouldn't. They could be lucky one more time. Just this one time.
Inside the room, he saw a few marines and a few doctors. Some of them were clearing the debris, moving it closer to the door. Others were just standing, looking at two kneeling figures: Carson Beckett and John Sheppard.
"He's dead, isn't he?" it was hard for him to say the words, as hard as it was for Carson to give him the answer. The Scot nodded once, then turned around and said something to one of his nurses, setting all those present in motion. A few moments later, three body bags were taken out of the room by the medical personnel, leaving him and Sheppard behind.
The Colonel came closer to him, placing his right hand on Rodney's left shoulder. "You okay?"
"No."
- --- --- -
The conference room felt smaller and darker, with grim faces looking at him.
"You can't leave, Rodney," John Sheppard said, probably thinking Elizabeth was too mild with her polite request. One way or another, all of them had asked him to stay when he announced his decision. All but Carson. Looking at the Scot, he knew the Doctor understood him.
"I didn't ask for your opinions, I announced I want to leave. Whether you approve or not, I'm leaving." Rodney left the table and the room, hoping the others would understand him at some point.
- --- --- -
The next breakfast was dull and tasteless. It was spent without John Sheppard, and it hurt more than anything else. He could understand the other man's anger, confusion, anything but not this. When did John Sheppard change into the type of man who pretended things he couldn't understand weren't there? When did Rodney change into the man that didn't call him up on it?
- --- --- -
"This is your file, Rodney," Carson said, handing him a CD. "All the off-world injuries were explained in a hopefully plausible manner. If you encounter any problems, the doctors at the SGC should know what to do."
His friend turned around and fumbled with the things on his office desk, clearly wanting to say more, but unable to find the words. It has been four years since they met and there were few times during those years when the Doctor had to search for words. It was also the first time they said goodbye.
"Carson, I wanted to thank you for not questioning my decision," Rodney slowly said. "I think you understand why I decided to go."
"Aye, I think I do." After a short pause, he continued, "And ever since you told us you're leaving, I'm wondering if it wouldn't be better if I left, as well." Carson loved Atlantis as much as he once had. Unlike him, Carson could still change things, make a difference, receive something in return for everything he gave. "I don't know if it's the courage I'm missing, or something else, but... I'll stay a wee bit longer."
"You must stay, Carson. You're still... you belong here."
A small smile appeared on the doctor's face. He took Rodney's hands and lightly squeezed them, "Promise me you'll be there when I go back to Earth."
"Of course I will, Carson." Surely, his friend didn't think he was suicidal. He was just leaving this place.
"Just take care of yourself, Rodney."
- --- --- -
The door to Sheppard's quarters opened smoothly, revealing its tired occupant. Sheppard was rarely completely honest about the way he felt, and it was never conscious. It was the way he let his hands fidget, the way he didn't bother to control any part of his nervousness surfacing, the way he was looking at Rodney as they stood in front of each other.
"I came to explain, Sheppard." Rodney sat down on John's bed, uninvited. His eyes glued to the floor, he continued, "I felt I belonged here, like I had a purpose. I don't feel that way anymore, so I must leave." He had everything planned, the way he would make Sheppard understand and hopefully accept his decision. Now, in the man's room, in his presence, it was harder than he thought it would. "When Radek died I realised that... it was just luck keeping us alive. If it weren't for luck, my 'brilliant' ideas would have done us no good."
John sat down by his side, and taped him on the shoulder, causing Rodney to look at him. "But they worked, Rodney."
"If the storm never happened and it would happen tomorrow, I can't guarantee I would find a solution. It was all a matter of... luck. My ideas came out of luck. Do you know what it's like not to trust your mind to come up with the right solution?"
John was clearly trying to understand, but he wasn't trying to understand the right thing. "People died before in accidents, Rodney. I don't understand why Radek's death caused this... this..."
"Yes, Colonel, people died and it was always unfair. And it was always hard to take. And now I was there as a spectator. I wasn't there trying to fix something, or help him, or discover something. I was there to see his body be taken out of the room. I'd rather be useless somewhere else, where lives aren't at stake everyday, where my friends don't lose their lives without me being able to do anything."
"You don't have any friends there, McKay."
"I won't have friends here, either, if this goes on for much longer."
