Chapter 4:

The light shone brightly through the first floor room when Clarke awoke. She had a distinct memory of falling asleep with Lexa beside her, but the girl wasn't there at the moment. She checked on her ankle and noticed the swelling was all but gone. The pain was barely registering. Her wrists were looking okay as well, but her head was still throbbing enough to require her to give in and chew on the leaves the healer had left her. She put one between her teeth and chewed quickly hoping the medicinal purposes of the leaves would work as long as she just chewed the thing to bits even if it didn't take too long. She held on for as long as she could and then spat it into a cup and took a long drink of water from another one left for her on the table next to what she assumed was her breakfast.

She ate quickly again to fill her stomach and stood, testing her ankle lightly at first until she could put full pressure on it and walk around the room with little problem. The door was still closed and she wasn't sure if she should open it, but after some time, she decided she wanted to test Lexa's words last night about her night being a prisoner. She opened it and saw the empty hallway. There were no guards; it appeared, outside her door. She took a few more steps toward the kitchen, which was empty. The bright sun through the expansive windows caused her to squint her eyes. She opened the back door and was greeted by the sounds and sight of the river she'd been following for days.

Here though, it wasn't rushing. It was slowed by a makeshift dam that was off to the back right of the house. Clarke started to take it all in. The back of the house butted up almost right against the river. She turned to look at the house and part of it appeared as if it had been buried at one point under a mountain of dirt and rubble. They'd repaired what was needed and the river ran past all that and into what looked like an old, underground pool in the back yard. Clarke had heard of pools on the ark. People used to swim in them for fun. The river was washing right over this one and when it was higher during rain, the pool would probably be obscured, but she could see the remnants just fine now. The water was clearer here too. She could see only minimal vegetation in the space of the pool and it looked as if someone tended to it regularly.

"It's the best kept secret of the capital." Lexa's voice came from behind her.

Clarke didn't turn around. She just looked on at the bit of forest beyond the pool that would cover it from view from any other direction.

"Perks of being the commander." Clarke replied.

Lexa walked up and stood right beside her.

"There are no perks to being the Commander, Clarke. I think you know that better than anyone." Clarke looked over at her and met her eyes.

"Where did you go?" She asked the girl with the dark make up back around her eyes.

"I had business to attend too. I left you with two of my best warriors. They patrolled the grounds while I was away."

Clarke looked back over the river and pool.

"I should probably go." Clarke said, but really didn't mean. She had to admit she wasn't ready to leave this place.

"Where will you go, Clarke? Back to your camp?" Lexa asked, turning toward her. "You're safe here. You can stay here as long as you want. I can get you a dwelling of your own if you prefer." It wasn't rushed how she said it, but there was a sense of desperation in her voice.

"Do you know if your man brought my pack in after he took me?" Clarke asked her without responding to her statements.

"I'll send someone into the woods to retrieve it." Lexa replied and turned back toward the house.

"Don't worry about it. Just point me in that direction. I'll pick it up as I go. My weapons?"

"I can have those brought to you when you leave."

Clarke looked over at her.

"I'm leaving now, Lexa."

Lexa nodded her understanding, but had no emotion on her face.

Clarke began walking back into the house, but Lexa remained in her spot.

"Clarke?"

"Yeah?" Clarke turned.

"Would it have been different?" Lexa requested and turned to face the other girl.

"Would what have been different?"

"You know what I ask." Lexa didn't explain.

"I don't know." Clarke answered. "I can't say what would have happened because you didn't give me the chance." She thought back to that night again, the one that haunted her every night and considered what might have happened had the grounders stayed and helped fight. She felt the anger brewing inside her. "You left me, Lexa. You didn't leave my people. You left me. You asked me to come here after we beat them and you left alone instead."

"Clarke…"

"You left me and I had to-" Clarke stopped herself. "I had to…"

"You had to make the decision to sacrifice those people." Lexa completed Clarke's thought.

"I killed them!" Clarke yelled in her direction. She walked back toward Lexa and Lexa started backing up, not knowing Clarke's intentions.

"You sacrificed them for the good of your people, Clarke. You made the same decision I did. Admit it to yourself that you don't regret it."

"I'm not your subject, Lexa. I don't take your orders."

"You wouldn't take my orders even if you were of my people. Just admit it to yourself, Clarke. You made the right decision."

"Don't tell me-" She stopped herself again and found herself so infuriated with the girl in front of her that she pushed her backwards.

Lexa couldn't keep her footing and fell back into the overflowing pool of water. Clarke stood at the edge. Lexa emerged from the water with make up flowing down her cheeks and into the water.

"Do you feel better now?" She asked Clarke and wiped her face to try to get the rest of the black off.

"No." Clarke answered and then laughed at herself. "No, I don't." She knelt down by the water's edge and held out her hand for Lexa to take so she could help her get out. "I'm sorry." She laughed a small laugh and watched as Lexa smiled. Lexa rarely smiled, but even so Clarke had gotten used to the smiles she employed when she did. This one was different. This one was mischievous. Clarke almost rescinded her hand, but Lexa took hold of it before she could and yanked her down into the water with her.

"That's cold!" Clarke screamed as she emerged from the freezing water. "God, how are you standing this right now?" She asked Lexa who was still laughing. It was then that Clarke realized she wasn't sure she'd ever heard Lexa really laugh before. There had never been cause for laughter during their alliance. She decided she liked the sound and the image of her happy.

"Come here." Lexa pulled Clarke close. "Sorry, you brought it on yourself, Sky Girl." Lexa was still smiling and rubbed Clarke's shoulders up and down in an attempt to warm them up. Clarke had left her jacket inside so she was wearing her tattered short sleeve shirt that hadn't been washed in weeks probably. She looked at Lexa who was engaged in trying to warm her up and she resisted the urge to leap out of the water and warm up inside because it actually felt good being this close to her again. She thought about what it would be like to kiss her again and in that same thought tried hard to figure out if she was ready. There were so many emotions connected to this person. Moments of joy were rare between them, but they did exist and she focused on them while she watched Lexa's make up continue to drip off into the water. She saw a blackened droplet resting on her chin about to fall and she reached out with her thumb to wipe it away.

Her hand remained in that spot and Lexa's eyes connected with hers. She knew somehow that Lexa wouldn't try to kiss her again. She'd respected the last time when Clarke told her she wasn't ready. She wouldn't push. Clarke would have to be the one to instigate it if it was to ever happen again. Lexa's hands stalled on her elbows and drifted down to her hips to rest there. They were only about a foot apart when Clarke took a step toward her. She thought about Lexa's question from last night. Could Clarke ever forgive her?

"Heda! You're needed in command." It was Indra. She was running outside toward the pool.

Lexa pulled away immediately and shifted her glance in Indra's direction.

"What's wrong?"

"The Old Ones were seen not far from one of our outposts."

Lexa walked past Clarke and climbed out of the pool. Clarke followed and watched as Indra gave her a deadly stare.

"Nice to see you again, Indra." She taunted.

"You're lucky the Commander returned when she did, Sky Girl. I was ready to-"

"Indra! Enough!" Lexa ordered. Indra handed her commander a fur coat. "Clarke is not a prisoner and is free to roam however she wishes. Understood?"

"Yes, Heda." Indra responded with venom in her tone.

"Who are the Old Ones?" Clarke asked and ignored Indra's comment.

"I'll explain when I return." Lexa offered and took a step toward her. "I'll have clothing brought for you and Atami is set to return to check on you later." She reached out her hand and grazed Clarke's with it. "Please do not depart until I return."

Clarke nodded that she wouldn't. Lexa and Indra headed off and Clarke was left standing near the pool and its freezing cold water that had actually started to warm the longer she was in it. She'd never felt comfortable trying to swim in the river, but this looked okay and if Lexa was comfortable in it, she'd be fine. She jumped back in and emerged herself under the cold water. It felt nice actually. It felt like the world around her was gone. The needs and wants expressed by others disappeared the moment her head went beneath the water. It felt cleansing. It felt like renewal.