Chapter 4 – That's Just the Way It Is


Day three; April 19, 5:13 A.M.


It was five in the morning; it could only be of the utmost importance that early in the day. When I found myself focusing more on the received text than my current activity with Marie, I sighed inwardly, pulled away slowly and used the hand not entwined with hers to rummage around in my pocket.

"Wow..." She slowly opened her eyes as if waking up from a trance. The half-dazed gaze traveled across the emotional spectrum before settling on confusion when she saw me stare intensely around the Cul-de-Sac, trying to find the author of the text. "What? Wasn't it good?"

"No, it was-"Bam. I found myself on the floor of the balcony and my left hand, the one which had been preoccupied dancing with her right, was now rubbing my cheek to relieve the pain. "OW! What- What- What?! Why did you slap me?!"

"You said it wasn't good!"

"Oh, on the contrary!"

"Then why'd you say no?"

"Well, you wouldn't let me finish! I was going to say 'No, it was! But I just received this quizzical text'!" I held up my cell phone so she could read said text.

Good morning, children! If you're in the mood for breakfast, you might find me swinging around the playground! Remember, if your neighbors ain't watching, God is!

"Oh, I'm going to kill that jackass..." She was seething, looking like she wanted to wallop my phone in the general direction of the playground in the hopes of hitting him in the head.

"Come now, I hardly think you would need to resort to such measures."

"IT'S FIVE IN THE FUCKING MORNING!"

"Quite right, perhaps it would be of consideration to use a lower volume at this early hour..." She quickly threw glances up and down the street before attending to my need; getting back to a vertical position.

"Sorry I slapped you, Double-D." She scratched the back of her blue head sheepishly.

"The benefit of the doubt would be pleasant to receive next time." We stood silent, observing each other.

"So... What did you feel?"

"Well... Mainly confusion." A heavy groan.

"Shit. Shit, I shouldn't even have brought it-"

"No, no, it wasn't regrettable. It's... Nice to know what could be."

"What?"

"You must understand, I've never really seen..." I made a vague gesture up and down her form. "You in such a light before. Now, if the situation would become such, it would take some time to familiarize myself with this new point of view."

"Again with the barrel full of false hope."

"I know, I know; I apologize for it but... It's the truth." My cellphone buzzed again. "I would suggest returning to this conversation at a later time; I fear Max would become so restless-"

"- That he'd come outside and start throwing rocks at the house."

"I don't think he'd really-"

"He climbed our trailer."

"... Let's take our leave."


Day three; April 19, 5:22 A.M.


Knowing our lovable friend would not stop terrorizing us through cellular communication, we picked up two of my jackets in the hallway closet and made our way to the playground. The walk there was shrouded in silence, apart from the occasional mumbled promise that Marie was going to introduce pain to Max's world. It was certainly fine by me however, it gave me some time, however little, to again think back on this whole situation. On the person walking next to me.

It was all so... Improbable. Even after four months, I still couldn't believe that this person, who after our talk on the balcony I realized I really knew so little of, was the same ruthless girl from back then. Almost like waking up one morning and finding out that what you knew about yourself was nothing more than a big lie. Perhaps... Perhaps it was just me? After all, it was I who still reluctantly dwelled in the past; she seemed to want nothing more than forget and move on.

Oh, I just went around and around with these thoughts, getting nowhere.

Considering this new aspect though, a relationship? Did I even want to begin exploring such a thing? It felt like there was an incredible amount of pressure concerning that point; either I decided to jump headway into it and see where it lead or I put Marie through unnecessary emotional turmoil by preserving the friendship. I was not too keen on the latter.

Because I did care about her, I did. It saddened me that we hadn't found each other earlier, especially when she was going through tough times and needed a supportive shoulder. But maybe we hadn't been ready. Maybe Christmas had been the exact point where we were destined to find each other; older, experienced, a little wiser on life. Maybe it was always meant to play out like this, maybe I was always going to have to make this decision.

'Everything that happens or will happen is all within our control. Nothing more than consequences of our choices.' My own words rung, with an ironic tone, through my head. So, according to my own beliefs, there was a possibility that this wasn't going to happen. But then again, if Marie had really wanted to make her amends, this just would have occurred at a later point in time.

I could sit here and list a thousand choices through this story which made differently could have changed the horrid outcome. Take for example, Max's visit. Had we not ventured to my home, instead opting for a walk through the old neighborhood, he never would have made off in such a rush and wouldn't have asked Marie to keep me company. But then again, if he hadn't, Marie and I never would have had a chance to explore the curious relationship which had been set in motion, leading to the most wonderful and horrible two weeks of my life.

"Free thinkers, free talkers; waltz on water like sea walkers! Rise up, levitate like this! Till times up, celebrate life's gifts!" I was becoming as bad as Ed concerning drifting away in thought; I suddenly found myself standing in front of the swing set which Max was seated on top of, singing gleefully as we approached, an ever-lasting grin plastered on his face.

"Calling us out here at five in the fucking morning and being that damn cheerful better mean the end of the world!" I stifled a laugh when Marie menacingly shook her fist against the young man who in response grinned wider, dangling his legs a little. Even though a pair of aviator sunglasses covered them, I could almost see the twinkling excitement that so often represented his eyes. For one moment that morning, he managed to look so careless, so free. Like the very unchained force of nature that had swept through Peach Creek all those years ago.

"It isn't, last time I looked; although, North Korea still has like half an hour left of this day, so you never know!" I could swear I heard her growl at his all too cheerful comment. "I got us some breakfast; well, I got you guys some, Spencer forced a sandwich down my throat earlier since I'm just awful at keeping track of my own hunger. I swear, she's worse than Mom sometimes. Anyway! Double-D, latte minus sugar on my right, and Marie, black with sugar on my left." His knowledge of our coffee habits was... Unsettling to say the least.

"If I may inquire, how did you-"

"The time before last I was here, I had the good pleasure to have coffee with you both on separate occasions. It's hardly something remarkable to remember."

"It is to me; I don't even remember having coffee with your dumb ass." Marie wandered over to her designated swing and mug while glancing upwards in disbelief.

"Of course you don't, little one."

"Watch it, Monkeyboy." There was something intriguing in their interaction, almost something flirtatious. It could just have been the fact that Max had the habit of easily annoying people with his demeanor.

"Monkeyboy, how original." His grin slowly faded before it was exhaled along with a grim sigh. "I called you here at this unholy hour-"

"Man, I don't even care anymore; I forgive you for anything." A bag, sitting directly between the two swings, had gone unnoticed by me but not by Marie who, not unlike a magician, revealed an enormous muffin from within.

"Kinda figured you'd feel that way. Double-D, dear; there's one for you too."

"Thank you, Max." Finally managing to let go of the last thought about the emotional conundrum I had taken upon myself, I took a seat on the other swing and picked up the coffee mug which had been provided for me. Marie bundled up the bag and leaned over, almost managing to place it next to my shoes. "I believe you were trying to tell us the reason for this unorthodox breakfast meeting." I peered up at him and could feel the strain on my neck already; knowing Max, however, he wouldn't stay stationary up there for long.

"Right... Right. The reason we're here is just so I can finish telling the story I told Double-D yesterday. And because it's always such a pleasure to meet this little ray of sunshine." A wave of nausea rushed over me; between Max's departure out the window and looking out over Peach Creek that morning, I had managed to repress Jimmy's horrible fate.

"You couldn't do that at his house? Or at a time when people aren't trying to get some fucking shuteye?" She was clearly not going to let the time of day pass without letting him know just how displeased she was with it.

"I think that every moment of your life-"

"And here comes the damn wisdom."

"- Has the possibility to be a great one, even more fantastic once it's become a memory. Besides, I felt that for Double-D's benefit, this is a more suitable story-hearing environment." I was grateful; the thought alone of even being in such an enclosed space as a living room made me tug at my collar, a slight panic rising within me.

"Aight, so what's the story?" She tore the lid off her cup and took a drink, washing down a considerable amount of muffin. I followed suit, carefully removing the white plastic on my own mug and slowly taking a sip. The taste twisted my face into a grimace because in my few years as a coffee drinker, I had never encountered the incredibly strong and almost rancid undertaste that plagued my taste buds there and then.

"Let's see..." He started listing events on his fingers; some I knew, some I didn't think I wanted to. "Asparagus festival, elderberry shampoo, party at Nazz's, goat cheese sandwich, down to Rio, call from- Yes, I know now!"

"Gotta be a first."

"Oh, you sound just like my sisters. And brothers. Almost every teacher I ever had. Not to mention that Irish cab driver who used to hang around 73rd and Park back in-"

"Max, I'm afraid you're sidetracking." Remember his short attention span?

"Right. Hang on, it's this damn seat I chose!" I looked up at the sound of a grunt to see him lower himself into a hanging position and swinging back and forth experimentally a few times before swinging back, leap through the air and landing in the sand in front of us. He spun around with that self-satisfactory smile I'd seen so many times before with his arms outstretched, no doubt waiting for an impressed reaction that never came.

"It's five-"

"'- In the fucking morning and you call us out here to watch you do acrobatics? I'd shove this muffin so far up your ass, you'd sneeze blueberries next time you got the flu, if it wasn't free and so incredibly delicious!' Paraphrased, not dictated nor read, Marie Kanker." He took a seat in the sand and leaned back against the swing set frame, snickering to himself.

"... Fuck you, Flywheel." She even flipped him off just to underline the insult.

"Many have tried, many have died." He reached behind his back and revealed another coffee mug, likely the one he had been drinking from before deciding that waiting for us with both feet on the ground was redundant and a waste of time. "So, turning to someone who's more likely to recall what I was talking about, what was I talking about, Double-D?"

"The story."

"Right, yes, sorry." He drank from his mug and I couldn't help but do the same; my throat felt dried out just thinking about what Max was about to fill in Marie about. Rancid as the taste may have been, it did warm my stomach up considerably. "Ehr, I don't know if you know, Bluebird, but Nazz had a raging house party for all the little freshmen back in September and... Oh, boy; was it raging or what?"

"Max, please." I still couldn't wrap my head around the fact that Jimmy, sweet, wonderful, pacifist Jimmy had experienced such treatment. It was... Just unfathomable.

"Oh... Sorry, I didn't even- Shit, uhm... The thing is, as we later learned, that Jimmy, innocent little child of nature, was raped at that party."

"What?! He was... Raped?" I quietly nodded when she looked worriedly at me and drank again, not really having anything to verbally contribute. "Who the fuck- What kind of fucking monsters would rape a kid who only wanted the best for people?!" I threw a quick glance at her; that was certainly a fitting description of a person I wouldn't even begin to think Marie had a connection to.

"Some football players- Shit, I don't even know; they said he deserved it for being gay."

"But, he ain't-"

"No, he ain't. And that's what makes it even more fucked up." Nobody quite knew how to continue so we just sat there, in silence, drinking our coffee. "To continue, if such a thing was ever possible, Spencer and I were vacationing in Rio when we learned... This shit had happened so, to begin with, we went back here because Spence loved the little guy like a fourth brother, even though she always claimed three were five too many. Never was good at math that one." He said it with such seriousness that I wasn't sure if it was an unavoidable Flywheel joke whatever the subject or an actual fact. Either way, I had to look away; to see Max so... Down about something was so rare, it was just unnatural.

"But..." I took another drink, afraid my increasingly dry throat wouldn't carry me. "I- I can't recall seeing Jimmy since... Since..."

"You're right, because no one has. We checked the records at City Hall and both his parents quit their jobs not soon after; as far as we could tell, they've moved out of their house for good and moved on. However you can."

"Holy shit..." Marie's exclamation to my left was barely more than a whisper.

"Yeah." He sighed and reached back to rub his neck. "So then, the ever caring Spencer decided to check up on how the young lad's best friend was holding up. There was only one problem though." Sarah... Moved away three months ago to live with their aunt and uncle in Montana. I'd never really thought twice about it; your best friend moves in the world moves away without warning, of course it's bound to have emotional ramifications. But now, knowing why Jimmy disappeared... God, no.

"Sarah's gone." No. Please, God, just no; not another one.

"What?" Marie's eyebrows shot upwards, mouth agape; she probably came to the same conclusion as me.

"She moved to their dad's sister couple of months ago." Max, who had certainly done his homework, continued. "See, Spencer, Simon and I... We used to have a couple of friends at different points in our lives who, rather tragically, died. One to drugs, three to suicide, two to car crashes... And one who mysteriously drowned. In all of those cases, at least one of us feels that we could've prevented it; even when there was not a snowman's chance in hell of it. So, that's why Spence was hellbent on finding Jimmy through Sarah."

"And?"

"She hadn't seen or spoken to him since the party either. Spence was devastated that the trail dropped dead, she still haven't given up hope to see the little guy again." He grew quiet and just stared into the sand for a moment. "We did, however, encounter another predicament once we reached Montana."

"What?" He took a drink, as did Marie and I.

"She was preggers." It felt like a silent movie from the twenties; Marie and I both did a spit take worthy Charlie Chaplin.

"She what?"

"Pardon?"

"Turned out that our favorite loud mouth had managed to snag a guy in a drunken stupor, also at Nazz's party. In their intoxicated adventure, they neglected protection." This was... Too much. Jimmy, Sarah; both of their innocence lost in the blur of a alcohol fueled night. I quickly emptied my mug and dropped it in the sand next to me, shaking my head.

"You okay?" Marie began reaching out but halted herself.

"No, this is..."

"Shit."

"Yes, Max; it's shit." There was no better word for it; everything had turned to shit, right under our noses and not one of us knew of it. "Does Ed know?"

"That's kind of why Spence and I came around; to tell Ed and the dad."

"So you know who it is?"

"Yep." He finished his own mug, placing it in the sand before standing up and looking behind the swing set frame. Pulling out two mugs, he inspected them before handing me one. "I came prepared."

"Who is it then?" While Marie watched him with widened eyes, I myself couldn't care less who the lucky guy was in that moment. Why the youngest of us? The ones who had yet to even begin their journey into high school. What were they even doing at that party?

"It's not my place to tell." He held up a hand when Marie opened her mouth. "It doesn't matter anyway; there are no plans for Sarah to keep the child. Soon as she drops the kid goes to the aunt and uncle in Montana."

"What's the dad saying?"

"He's trying to keep it together but in the end, even he knows that it's for the better. For the kid at least." Sarah had turned fourteen not too long ago and assuming the father attended Peach Creek High, he was between the same age and eighteen; certainly no age to be able to care for a newborn child.

"Christ."

"Something like that." I swiftly finished my mug a little too fast; it helped calm the nerves but my equilibrium was starting to feel a little off and the nausea was starting to get worse.

"What... What did Ed say?" This explained his overly excited texts from the previous night.

"He instantly set out on a murder spree but when he found out his parents weren't going to find out, he became incredibly giddy about the thought of a little Firefly." Kicking aimlessly in the sand, he checked his wristwatch. "Hmm."

"Going somewhere?" Was there suddenly a slight slur to my words? Had I grown so tired in this short period of time?

"Second breakfast with Simon and Linus, they're pulling through San Fran on their way to Phoenix."

"Phoenix?" Marie dropped her now empty mug in sand.

"We got an aunt there who makes delicious goat cheese sandwiches. Linus hates it though; she's the reason we call him Rerun."

"Max?"

"Yeah?"

"Please shut up." I placed my head in my hands and groaned quietly; I was trying to process the rambling story and here he was talking about such trivial things like sandwiches.

"Shit. Uh..." He took a step forth and knelt next to me, Marie quickly doing the same. "I'm really sorry for all this; I... I know it's a lot to take in and I'm probably not the guy who should be telling you this; even if there was a person who could make this any easier, I don't-"

"Max." Marie placed a hand on his shoulder and he simply nodded, standing up.

"Until we next meet, mate." I barely noticed when he began walking away but looked up in surprise when Marie stood up as well.

"I'll be right back." She squeezed my shoulder affectionately before joining him a bit away, out of auditory range.

I sat there, swinging back and forth a little before the nausea became too great. Glancing over to where they were standing by the fence, a heated argument seemed to take place.

So... Strange to watch those two; never would I have thought them to be friends. Max seemed to be the type of person Marie easily would be irritated by; something that became evident when she without warning slapped him across the face, sending the sunglasses flying to the ground. Curiously, her mouth fell open and she tenderly grazed the area around his eye. I wasn't sure why but something arose in me, breaking through the waves of nausea. It almost felt like... Jealousy.

Sure, he had said that nothing had ever happened between them but that didn't mean it had to be the case. 'It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies; the only variable is about what'. A quote from 'House', which Grace especially loved to bring up in conversations about our parents, that certainly could apply to this situation. Max... And Marie.

Why did that thought bother me?

Only when he turned and waved did I realize that I had been staring, rather bitterly, in their direction.

"Take care, Double-D!" He quickly touched her arm, which only seemed to infuriate me more, before turning to pick up his sunglasses and like that, he was off again.

"Hey, you alright?" In my new found state of violent emotions, I hadn't noticed that she had made her way back to me, once again kneeling next to me.

"I don't- I don't know." She placed a hand on my shoulder, barely steadying my increasingly spinning world. "I- You're nice."

"Ehr, thanks?" A small smile appeared and it only confused the emotions more.

"I mean, like that smile. It's- It's so nice." She snickered and placed a hand on my lower back, giving me a gentle push.

"Come on, let's get you home there." Standing up resulted in such a sudden shift in the equilibrium that I almost fell over instantly. "Woah, better try to stay on your feet."

"I'm... They're just so far down... Was I always this tall?" Before I had a chance to fall forwards heedlessly, she quickly stepped in front of me and took a firm grip around my midsection, holding me up.

"I swear, I'll kill that fucker one day." Though thinking seemed to get more difficult by the minute, I could deduce that she was speaking about Max.

"Did you... Did you and Max ever... You know-"

"What, date?"

"- Fuck?" She froze and looked up in shock, eyes wider than ever before. I quickly slapped a hand over my mouth, having shocked myself there. "I apologize for the poor choice of words; I'm not too certain what's come over me..."

"Oh, Double-D... What has the dumbass done to you...?" Using her shoulder as support, she guided me through a series of unstable steps, away from the swings. "No, we never did anything; he just... I look like a girl he knows back home. They, like, love each other or something but sometimes take time off in their relationship, mostly because of some dumb shit he's done."

"He does do dumb shit..." I murmured into her hair; having almost lost the ability to keep my head upright, I had leaned my forehead against the top of her head.

"Yeah, you could say that." Having abandoned all hope of actually getting me anywhere, we just stood there on a patch of grass. She held me somewhat stationary in what felt an awful lot like a hug but I didn't seem to mind. Obviously, neither did she. "Anyway, that's why he's so... I don't know, flirty towards me sometimes but he tells me he couldn't see me, Marie, the way he sees her."

"Your hair smells like strawberries..." It barely felt like I was awake at this point, slurring the first thoughts that occurred into that ocean of blue.

"It's my shampoo. Are you- Are you sniffing my hair?"

"It's called breathing, some people do it to live." A light slap on my back.

"Thanks for the information, Elmqvist." I knew that name. Why did I know that name?

"Who- Who is that?"

"Health class? Biggest bore on the whole teacher staff?" Faint memories appeared; while the class was mandatory, one could choose in which grade to partake in it. I had finished it during our first year, the lone freshman to do so, while the majority waited until senior year since his lessons were notoriously drawn out and nothing more than taking notes while he read aloud from books he had memorized a long time ago.

"Oh... Oh, yes. Even I found that boring..."

"What? The great Double-D, bored in school? Now I've heard everything!" I groaned in response; I suddenly didn't feel all too well physically.

"Max is a dumbass, by the way..."

"Why?"

"That he couldn't... Couldn't see you the way he sees this other... Blue-haired impostor."

"She's... Doesn't have blue hair; really?"

"What?"

"That Max is a dumbass?"

"Nothing new..."

"No, I mean that he's a dumbass for-"

"Please pardon me for a moment." I had experienced the feeling a few times before and knew myself well enough to know what was coming. I quickly pushed myself away from Marie, standing surprisingly well on my own, turned around and collapsed on all four in the grass. My stomach churned violently and in the midst of answering "Yes." to her interrupted question, I vomited.