Title: Bamboo Dragon
Genre: Romance / Humor
Rating: M (eventually)
Pairing: Ichigo x Ikkaku (yes, in that order)
Spoilers: None, at the moment
Summary: After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget.
Word Count: 2,535
Warnings: Yaoi. That's right. Two hot guys getting it on. And language.
Disclaimer: The summary is from Dude, Where's My Car? Which, clearly, is not mine. Bleach is also… not mine. ::Cries::
A/N: Am I really the first person to write this pairing?! But… it's so hot! How can there not be more?! ::cries::
Flashbacks in between the xxxxx's.
10:30 AM
Thirty minutes later, Ichigo was staring his still half-full glass of sake, debating on whether or not it was wise to drink the remainder. Or if maybe he should get so completely drunk that the last few days would be absolutely wiped from his memory. Of course, he'd have to join to Eleventh Division to explain to himself why he had that Division's logo on his ankle. Though avoiding Ikkaku at the same time, would be hard.
Before he could make a decision, the glass was yanked out of his lax fingers and he looked up just in time to see Ikkaku down it. "What happened now?" He asked, as the man yanked out a chair and slouched down into it with a groan.
"I got shit to do, I can't hang out here all damn day, and it don't take that long to clean up." At Ichigo's arched eyebrow, he continued. "Renji and I dragged the two love birds out of the shower."
Hazel eyes widened and, when Ikkaku slammed his head on the table, reached out and gripped his shoulder tightly in sympathy. The man just groaned and burrowed further into the curve of his arm. "Is… is there anything I can do, man?" Ichigo asked tentatively.
"You can get a new fucking apartment," he snapped, straightening suddenly, "because after what I saw them doing in there…" He shuddered. "I don't wanna fucking think about it."
Ichigo's lip curled back in disgust and, before he could answer, the other three people wandered into the kitchen and Ichigo was grateful to see the two from his bed were now completely dressed and completely not touching each other. Always good.
Ishida, glancing around the kitchen, shoved his glasses up the bridge of his nose, and asked, "Where is Inoue-san?"
Renji was the one who answered. "No one knows."
"Excuse me?" Ishida sputtered, Ichigo echoing the question.
The redhead shrugged. "Yeah, we lost her about two AM, no one's seen her since."
"What do you mean you lost her?!" Ishida screamed.
Ichigo glanced up at the Quincy, who was practically shaking in anger. "Hey, man, Inoue isn't dumb." He paused. "Well, she is, but, well… who's gonna hurt her here?" He asked, trying the waylay a fight. Both because he didn't want a Quincy arrow shot threw his house. And because Yumichika was frowning the Ishida in a very jealous way, and if Ichigo had to watch a lovers' spat break out in his kitchen between those two, he'd drink himself into a coma and be glad about it.
The bespectacled boy turned his glare to Ichigo, opened his mouth, closed it, then spun on his heel and walked out. "I'm going to go find her," he called, right before he slammed the door closed.
Yumichika took two steps in the direction of the door before Ikkaku reached out and grabbed him by the sleeve, stopping him in his tracks. "Let him go, Yumichika, gods," he grumbled, "just let him fucking go. That way, maybe I can look you in the damn face again."
The effeminate man pouted, but stood still, crossing his arms and frowning in the direction of the door. Ichigo felt his stomach roll. It was like some gay-men soap opera around here lately. And he was just a little bit peeved that he was one of the main characters. Oh hallelujah.
For one, blissful moment, there was silence, but, as always, life moves on, reminding the two shinigami at the table that there's no time to angst about seeing their respective best friends in bed (in your bed) or naked in the shower. Life wishes to remind them that they have more important things to do. Like figure why the hell they banged each other last night. And life chose to subtly remind them of this endeavor by having Yumichika smack Ikkaku upside the head and snap at him, "You made me stay, now lets fucking do something before I fuck Ishida on your bed."
That sent the bald-shinigami scrambling to his feet, hauling Ichigo up after him. "Right! Let's fucking go already." Tugging the orange-haired teenager out the door behind him, the remaining two men trailed after them.
"Renji-san," Yumichika said suddenly, as the redhead tried repeatedly to close Ichigo's door, before remembering the lock was broken and just leaving it there, "are you going to do something about your hair? It is most unbeautiful."
Ikkaku and Ichigo paused, from where they were bickering a few steps ahead (sounding for all the world like a married couple, but, of course, not willing to admit it) and turned to see what the hell the feminine man was talking about. Okay, so Renji's vibrant hair was streaked black (Wonder how the hell that happened anyway, Ichigo thought), but it actually looked pretty cool. And yeah, his hair wasn't up in it's normal messy-but-still-kind-of-neat ponytail, nor was it braided over his shoulder. It was… well, it was everywhere. Trailing halfway down his back and all over his shoulders to hang in a tangled mess all around his face. But did that really make it unbeautiful?
No, it just kind of made Renji look thoroughly fucked. Which he was. Or had been. So what the hell did it matter?
"Um… no," Renji answered, inching slowly away from the man.
"At least pull it away from your face," Yumichika said, flicking a stray lock of hair off of his cheek.
Renji's hands shot up to the hair around his neck protectively, and the others had to wonder why. And then laugh about how stupid he looked holding a chunk of hair in each hand and backing away from the girly-est shinigami ever.
"Come on," Yumichika purred, hands reaching out for the tattooed man, fingers twitching with the desire to yank the hair away and make it more presentable. And to see what he was hiding.
"Hey guys!" If the loud shout wasn't enough to make Ichigo jump out of his skin, Shuuhei suddenly tossing one arm around his shoulders and the other around Ikkaku's sure did the trick. It scared the piss out of Yumichika, too, since he let out a high-pitched squeal and spun around, one hand pressed to his heart
"Shuuhei!" He yelled, glaring at the smug look on the lieutenant's face.
"Hey, Shuuhei," Ichigo greeted his friend. "What'd you do last night?" He asked, not entirely sure if he remembered Shuuhei being out with him the night before.
Shuuhei glanced down at the boy to his right. "I got in an argument and killed this weird old guy… I think." Several people gaped at him. Actually, the only one not gaping at him was Renji, who was glaring daggers at his old senpai.
"You… uh… killed a guy?' Ichigo said, wide-eyed and leaning as far away as he could with Shuuhei's arm around his shoulders.
"Yeah," he said dismissively, before his eyes landed on Renji, who still had sparks shooting from his eyes, and Shuuhei grinned. "Hey Renji, nice bandage," he snickered, eyes sparkling with mirth as he stared at the cumbersome bandage on the redhead's nose.
"He said a dog bit his nose," Ichigo said, confused, glancing from the fuming Renji, to the laughing Shuuhei, who rolled his eyes at Ichigo's comment.
"Woof," he deadpanned, finally letting Ichigo and Ikkaku go and walking over to poke more fun at Renji.
Ikkaku and Ichigo sidled to stand side-by-side and were quiet for a long moment, watching Shuuhei say something that made him roar with laughter and made Renji's face turn as red as his hair, while Yumichika flittered around the pair like a gay, hyperactive bumblebee.
"Is it just me," Ichigo started, "or has everything been really gay around here lately?"
Before Ikkaku could open his mouth to answer, Shuuhei shouted over Renji's complaining. "Screw you guys! I was with Rangiku the whole fucking night!"
A blink. "Oh."
"Hey, I think I remember that," Ikkaku said suddenly.
"What? Shuuhei fucking Rangiku-san?" Ichigo asked sarcastically
After backhanding him upside the head, he said, "No dumbass, Shuuhei biting Abarai's nose." His forehead furrowed in thought. "Abarai had him in a headlock, I think."
"Renji had everyone in a headlock at some point or another last night," Yumichika cut in, sidling up to the pair and tugging at their sleeves until they started walking. "Now come on, Renji tells me we're following our trail of drunkenness."
"Yes, in-fucking-deed," Ichigo muttered, wishing he could go someone and angst like anybody else in his position would do, but knowing he couldn't. and he should probably find Inoue anyway. "Let's get this show on the road."
11 AM
Thirty minutes later and the troupe was in East Rukongai, District 20.
"Is there where we were last night?" Ichigo asked, glancing at the bar. The grayish, circular sign nailed over the door read Blue Moon.
"This is where we started last night," Yumichika corrected. "We figured it was far enough away from Seireitei that no one would mind if a fight broke out, and far enough away from the higher Districts that no one would try and kill us if we passed out."
Well, couldn't argue with something that made so much sense. Knowing the kinds of people that came to these parties, the possibility of a fight breaking out was pretty fucking good. Try like, 120-percent.
"Remember anything, buddy?" Renji said, slinging an arm over Ichigo's shoulder, and suddenly Ichigo remembered something similar from the night before.
xxxxx
"Okay crew, set your faces to 'stunned'." The grin on Renji's face said that he was enormously pleased with himself, though Ichigo, looking up at the circular blue sign over the door, whose scripted letters read The Blue Moon, honestly couldn't see why. It looked like every other fucking bar in this part of Rukongai.
"What's so great about this place Abarai?" Ikkaku scoffed from somewhere to Ichigo's right. "There're plenty of bars in the higher Districts that are a hell of a lot more fun then this place."
The shit-eating grin on Renji's face grew wider. "Yeah, but this place," he said, jerking a thumb at the building behind him, "gives shinigami free booze whenever there's a blue moon."
Silence. Until Matsumoto, standing to Ichigo's left and using his shoulder as an armrest, said, "So?"
He frowned. "Tonight's a blue moon, you idiots." More silence. "Free booze!"
That sent everyone moving and Ichigo found himself jostled forward along with the crowd as they entered a foggy, wine strewn bar, the smell of sake permeating everything.
"Alright bitches!" Ikkaku crowed, heading straight for the bar, shoving people out of the way left and right. Hey, there was free booze at that bar and he needed some. "I'm gonna get my drink on!"
Ichigo frowned at the situation in general and dropped gracelessly down into the nearest empty booth, not glancing up from the grainy wood of the table until a glass filled with beer clinked down in front of him. Lifting his head, he saw Yumichika sit down across from him, robes draped elegantly across the chair, chin propped in one long-fingered hand, looking poised and totally and completely out of place.
He glanced sideways at Ichigo when the boy didn't move. The eyes flickered to the glass he'd sat down in front of him. "Aren't you going to drink, Ichigo? I thought you might like to join in on the festivities, since Ikkaku brought you here to make you feel better."
He felt guilt churn in his stomach. Picking up the glass like it would explode at any moment, he took a glance at the others. Matsumoto and Renji were drinking something that looked like what Ichigo had. Though, judging by the speed at which the two of them were downing what was in front of them, they'd probably already gone through a whole keg by now. But they seemed alright. So Ichigo put the glass to his mouth and chugged down half of it.
Before slamming it back on the table and scrunching up his face in disgust. Note to self: beer tastes crappy unless you're already drunk.
Yumichika tittered across from him. "Not to your tastes, Ichigo?"
"Course not," Ikkaku slurred, sliding in next to his squad member and sliding the jug of sake in his hand across the table. "Try this. It tastes better that that fucking shit," he said, nodding his head towards the half-full glass of beer.
Ichigo sighed as he picked up the jug Ikkaku pushed towards him. "I will regret this tomorrow," he said, before taking a hearty swig.
Oh, how right he was.
xxxxx
A/N: I do not know if they drink beer in Soul Society. But they do now. And before the end of this story, they'll have drunk more than that.
Last Chapter's Pop Culture Reference:
1. A line from My Best Friend's Girl. Yes, I know this movie came out not too long ago…
"Why are you sitting in the dark like a vampire you crazy fucker?"
2. This one isn't so much pop culture… It's some random line from one of the Anita Blake Vampire Hunter Novels that I'm putting down, since I don't own that line and it was funny and I used it.
"There were two people in my bed and none of them were me."
3. A line from a Orbitz (sp?) gum commercial
"What the French toast?!"
4. A line from Employee Of The Month that you'll only catch if you've seen the outtakes
"King Henry the Church…? Who…?" is from one of Andy Dick's outtake scenes where he shouts random things as he gets woken up. I'll be using some more of these.
5. A couple of random things from Wizard People, Dear Readers. And if you haven't seen these and you're a Harry Potter fan, go to YouTube and watch them, they're hysterical.
This Chapter's Pop Culture References:
1. A vague, vague line from Samurai Champloo. And if you spot it, let me know, I should like to see if anyone else is as retarded as I am.
2. Okay, the "He told me a dog bit him." / "Woof." lines are from something. But I freakin don't know what! So, like, if someone did know, they would be totally super freaking sweet.
(Wow, only two? And they're so vague, I'm basically just putting them in here as disclaimers, since no one's gonna freakin' get 'em.)
And I'm stopping here because if I don't it'll be twenty pages long, and while I'm sure you'd appreciate it, my fingers wouldn't. And neither would my grades. Pfft. Stupid college. If I memorize any more parts of human anatomy I'm going to friggin kill myself.
And not spelled checked. Point out my numerous mistakes so I can come back and fix them after finals.
