April 25
Dear Diary,
I feel like a freak. No one else is like me. Some days I have no problem being the most unique person in the world and other days I hate it. I've hated it a lot lately. I can't do some things that normal girls do.
My stupid strength keeps getting in the way. On the way home from school yesterday, I noticed a stranded passenger. I pulled over to help her and lifted the car up so she could get the tires off. She stared at me. After the donut was put on, she hurried away. Didn't even bother thanking me. I know that I shouldn't have exposed myself like that, but the least she could have done was acknowledge my generosity. It bothered me for the rest of the day. Dad said that it was a slip, but nothing to worry about. He said that she'll probably tell her friends and people will think she's delusional. I hate when I slip up. Makes me feel that I am unworthy of being a Cullen.
Another problem I have is my speed. In gym class we are running. I can scale the entire track in ten seconds, but of course that wouldn't do. So I try to run at human speed, since I can, and that takes forever. Finally I just decide to walk, but even that is too fast. Sally has to jog to catch up to me. And then I get these funny looks from my classmates.
Sally wants to have a "girls week" in Los Angeles this summer. Sun…great. I reminded her that I'm half-vampire; I don't tan. She actually asked me if I will combust. She seemed to think that would be great entertainment! I told her no and I don't sparkle either. Of course, she had no idea what I was talking about. I'll have to have her see mom sparkle for her to understand. Course, it'll probably freak her out, but at least she'll get it.
So I don't know what to do. Mom and dad are cool w/me going; they want me to experience as much as possible. They don't seem to think it's that big a deal that I can't tan. They seem to think that if I lay out on the beach in LA days at a time that I will. I've been thinking of spray tan. But knowing my luck, I'll be orange. That'll clash w/my hair and eyes.
I hate my looks. My red hair and brown eyes; where the hell did that come from? I'm considering getting colored contacts and maybe coloring my hair. I can see dad now "you are the most unique child in the world, why would you want to look like everyone else?" And my response "you're the one who told me to live, to have experiences. You told me to blend in. I didn't before, I do now." Aunt Alice would probably love to take me to a salon and get me made up and my hair cut and colored. Her hair doesn't grow anymore, obviously, so any chance she gets to play make-believe is fine with her. If she colored her hair, it would probably stay. No growth equals constant fake color. But I love Aunt Alice's brown hair, just as I love Aunt Rosalie's blond hair. I'm just not happy with mine. I'm a teenager, you know. I'm trying to find myself. I'm sure I'll appreciate it later, but not now.
Contacts freak me out though. I hate the idea of bringing something so close to my eye. And it's not like I need to see better; my vision is perfect. Even in the dark. I don't know if I can get contacts purely for cosmetic purposes or not. I'll have to see if Grandpa Carlisle has any connections or any ideas. But when I look in the mirror, I don't see beauty. I see ugliness, grossness. I am tired of being the way I am. I am tired of being half-human, half-vampire.
