Carries straight on from previous chapter...
"I think you love me." I laughed. Howard was staring out of the window, looking very confused and embarrassed by what had just happened.
"I don't."
"No, maybe not me, but Vince. You love Vince." I said, kindly. Being kind is not something I'm really accustomed to, but I had a lot of practice when I was being Vince. I must have become pretty good at it too, because Howard nodded, slowly.
"I'm sorry that I'm not Vince. No one will ever be Vince. Vince is dead."
"Don't." Howard was beginning to cry again.
"I'm sure Vince loved you."
"Please stop." Howard was begging, angry tears forcing there way down his cheeks, "Don't ruin Vince for me."
"But, I am Vince. I mean… I can be Vince if you want."
"Don't." Howard looked at me, weeping uncontrollably.
"God Howard." I laughed. "Looks like you could do with a poncho to cheer you up."
"Stop it."
"You know, it's impossible to be unhappy in a poncho. They're genius!"
"Stop it!"
"Or we could listen to Gary Numan. He's cool. Did you know he's not only a singer but he's got a pilot licence? Imagine that, a singer with a pilot licence!"
"I hate Gary Numan." he sniffed quietly, reluctantly joining in my warped role-play.
"You can't hate Gary Numan." I insisted, pulling my most Vince-like expression "He's amazing! Remember when we kept him in a cupboard and you got him out to cheer me up. That was so much fun."
"Yeah, you're right it was." I could tell he was softening, so I pressed on, widening my eyes, pretending to be innocent, pretending to be Vince.
"What's your favourite memory, Howard?"
"Do you remember the time we had those pancakes?" I'm ashamed to say we crimped. I knew we were going to, I felt that familiar tingling buzz, that connection I get when a crimp is about to start.
"Eggs, milk and flour,
pancake power,
Look at his milky yellow sunshine face
Flip it now flip it good oo
Flip it now flip it good oo
Some are salt
Some are sweet
Some are fruit
Some are meat
The time we used the chive
It really came alive!
Edible frisbee's
Springtime Tuesday
I like to boogie."
As we finished crimping, I took the initiative and kissed him, and this time, he didn't push me away. This time he was kissing Vince. He was running his hands up Vince's back. He stalled a bit when he reached my short hair, so I pressed against him to urge him on and soon he was pulling my shirt over my head, as I steered him awkwardly into the back of the van.
"How long have you loved me Howard?" I breathed, as he kissed my neck.
"Oh." he said between kisses, "I've always loved you Vince." I pushed him away roughly, so that he hit his head hard on the side of the van, and he deserved it.
"I'm not Vince!" I seethed.
"But you were acting like Vince." Howard protested, rubbing his sore head.
"I don't care. I'm not doing anything with you if you're pretending I'm Vince. It's not fair."
"Not fair? I'll tell you what's 'not fair'… this whole situation. I didn't want to become a convict. I don't want to be terrified of the police. I don't like always looking over my shoulder. It would have been easier if you'd just killed me like the others," tears were streaming down his face and his voice was becoming louder and more broken, until he screeched. "Why are you putting me through this? Why didn't you just kill me?"
"I couldn't" I admitted quietly.
"Why not?" he was still screaming.
"Because I love you!" I don't know why I said it. It's not even true. I guess I just saw him crying and realised that saying it was the only chance I had of getting any action. And hey, it worked, because, suddenly, he'd stopped crying and was stroking my face gently, saying.
"You know, they say in this game you should never form a bond with anyone because other people let you down but I guess sometimes that's harder than you think." The git! He stole my words! But I didn't let my anger show…much. I just stared at him, emotionless. I could see he felt sorry for me now. That's a joke but I let him continue. "I loved Vince, of course I did and I hardly know you but… I mean, is it wrong that I find you much sexier now that you're dangerous?" I smiled, I couldn't help it, and he took that to mean everything was okay so he kissed me, and this time it was me he kissed, not Vince.
That's how I got here, sat in the back of the van with Howard in my arms. He's sleeping peacefully but I can't relax. With every passing second it becomes more and more likely I'll lose control of the nana's; with every passing minute it becomes more and more likely Ricky, Jonny and Edward will find us and with every passing hour it's becoming less and less likely that I will be able to leave Howard in a ditch somewhere. But I'm going to have to, it's the only way insure a clean get away and I'll have to kill him because otherwise there's always the doubt that he might talk.
"Hey Kid," Howard stirs "What time is it?"
"Time to move." I sigh as I remove my arms from around his shoulders and reach for my clothes, the same clothes I've been wearing for the past week. I stop, just as I'm about to pull my shoes on. Something is wrong. He has a strange look in his eyes. Oh God. What if he regrets it? I'll have to kill him, I don't think I could live with the shame, or the guilt. My eyes glance to my jacket pocket, where my gun is kept. The jacket is the other side of the van, behind Howard, but it doesn't matter. I couldn't have killed him anyway. Could I? Just point and shoot, right? Maybe I could kill us both, but then, wouldn't that defy the point of all this running so far? Besides, I like being on the run. It stops life from becoming too dull.
Howard is looking at me. I can tell he really needs to talk to someone, but not to me. He needs to talk about me, and Vince. He knows I wont let him mention Vince but it's eating away at him. I can see it in his eyes.
"Howard," I say "If you want to talk, go ahead. I won't be angry. Say whatever's on your mind."
He's not sure whether or not to take me up on my offer but, after a moment, he decides he will (probably because he's got no one else to talk to).
"It's just… I know this will sound stupid but, I feel like I've cheated on Vince."
"But I am Vince, sort of."
"I know and, unbelievably, even though you scare the crap out of me and you've killed people and, and I can't believe I'm saying this, you tried to destroy London with an army of pensioners, I do like you - a lot. It's just, I loved Vince. He's the only person I've ever loved."
"I know." I say quietly. What do I do? Do I tell him that it's okay? Or do I tell him to stop being stupid? Vince never was and never will be, so get over it. But…
"What's that?" I ask, in the distance I can hear the unmistakable sound of a police siren approaching. We scramble around for the remainder our clothes and within seconds we're tearing off down the road at a hundred miles an hour. Howard's driving, I'm in the passenger seat. Ironic really. I guess it signals the beginning of some semblance of control on his part. He glances at me and grins. Oh God! Am I staring at him? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm the Kid, I'm not supposed to become attached to people. That's why I am so good at my job! That's why I was so good at my job. Oh Howard, what are you doing to me?
Thanks for reading, reviews are loved. I always like to hear you're opinions and ideas on how to improve.
And they do make me all happy, go on make a girl's day!
Sisi...xx
