Okay, so, by the time I made it over to where the trolls were having a dwarven wienie roast, I ran into Gandalf skulking around in the bushes. "Jess, what happened here?" he hissed at me. "My guess would be dumb ass dwarves and their inability to plan properly?" I offered, shrugging my shoulders. Gandalf rolled his eyes at me and asked, "Well, where were you during all this?" "Hey! Don't start pointing fingers here! You're the one that stormed off with your panties in a twist. I am not the designated babysitter for them," I whisper shouted. Then I started to push the old bastard along in front of me toward the boulder. "Now get your carcass up on that boulder and split it in two so the fucking trolls get hit with some early morning sunshine for fuck sake. Do I have to be a cheerleader for everyone here?!" I hissed as I helped hoist old man winter up onto the rock by giving him ten fingers. Let me tell ya, he ain't light. He gave his little 'dawn will take you all' speech and slammed the end of his staff down, splitting the rock in two. I watched as the trolls slowly petrified and then made my way over to Bil, who was still wrapped up in his burlap sack. Using the dagger that Dwalin had left in my care, I cut the rope that held the sack closed and gave him a big hug. "Jess, where have you been?" he asked. I could feel his heart racing and he was on the verge of panicking, so I hugged him tighter. "I stayed at camp and waited. I got here in time to help Gandalf with his little stunt, but I knew you were gonna be fine Bil." I held him by his shoulders now, at arm's length so I could look him in the eye. "I'm proud of you, dude, you were fantastic! You totally saved the day." I gave him another hug and then said, "Now go get dressed while I help everyone else." Bil looked down and was suddenly confronted with the fact that he was standing around in his small clothes. He scurried off to the pile of clothes that the trolls discarded after their capture, to find his belongings. As I began to work on the rope on Thorins bag he glared at me. "Tell me again why you are travelling with us if you refuse to help us when we are in need?" he asked me scathingly. I stopped what I was doing and pointed the dagger at his miserable face. "Did you forget that I have a knife in my hand and you're unable to fight back? Are you really that stupid?" I stared at him, waiting for him to sass talk me one more time. He seemed to get the hint and wisely kept his big fat mouth shut. "Now, if you actually payed attention, I told you that Bil would be perfectly fine without my help in this little debacle. Did I not say that?" I paused, and waited to see if he could remain silent. Wonder of wonders, he just sat there plotting my death with his eyes. "It turns out I was correct, and Bil actually helped save all your sorry asses too, so I expect you to thank him." Thorins face was turning purple at this point, when he finally growled out," and how, exactly, did our burglar save us? If my memory serves me correctly, he is the reason that we were almost a meal for those trolls." He had spittle on his beard now and I couldn't really focus on anything else for a moment. It's like seeing someone you dislike and they have a booger hanging out of their nose, but you don't tell them about it because you hate them, letting them go about their day, hopefully having it ending in utter embarrassment. Anyway, I mentally shook myself, refocusing on the task at hand; giving Thorin a good verbal beating. "Actually, if there is anyone to blame, it would be Fili and Kili. They were supposed to be watching the ponies. Then, because they are fucking cowards, they convinced Bil to try to get the ponies back so they didn't have to let you know that they fucked up and were screwing around instead of doing their job!" I poked him in the chest with my finger, just to hold his attention and aggravate him further. This guy just brings out the worst in me. I swear, I'm not usually a seething ball of venom and hatred, honest. Thorin just blinked at me as I continued with my rant. "Next in line for blame would be yourself, for rushing into the situation without a proper plan of action. I mean, seriously? You just run out of the woods at three giant trolls yelling and brandishing weapons? I am seriously questioning your ability to lead here. They're TROLLS, you shithead! They didn't seem very skittish to me. At least Bil had the sense to stall them long enough for the sun to come up! I came along in time to prop our surly wizard in place in time for his little magic act, while you guys all lay around like dwarven hot pockets. Jesus! You even smell like pepperoni." I grouched as I sliced through the rope holding his bag closed. The burlap bag fell away, leaving Thorin Oakenshield hanging out in his skivvies, looking like he was seriously considering the pros and cons about attacking me while I was armed. While I had been cutting Thorin loose, Bil was helping Gandalf free the dwarves that had been spit roasting over the open fire, so Thorin decided to head over there to check on them rather than lose face by getting stabbed while in his underwear.
I freed the remainder of the dwarves on the ground from their sacks and, after glancing around, I spotted a bald, mountain of a dwarf wandering off to find his clothes. "Hey!" I called out to him as I approached him. Dwalin finished pulling on his pants before turning around to confront me. "What the fuck is the deal with the dagger?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest, said dagger still in my hand. Dwalin let out a frustrated sigh before he said, "I, uh, I dinnah want ye to be unarmed on this journey, lass." I shifted my weight, clearly telling him I was getting comfortable, settling in for a long conversation. "Then why were the others acting like you just proposed to me, or some shit like that?" I pinned him with my gaze. I was genuinely curious about the reason for his actions and wanted to see what he would say under pressure. Dwalin sent a murderous glare over my shoulder at someone who started sniggering, before looking back at me. "Lass, I like ye. Yer a good fighter, but ye have a sharp tongue in that mouth of yers. I jus' think that yer mouth may get ye in more trouble than ye able to git out of on your own, without a weapon, so I gave you one of my daggers." He explained with a smile. "Besides," he added with a wink, "I like my women a little more…sturdy." I eyed him skeptically. "So, no underhanded plot twists?" "Nay, I have no intention of courtin' ye," he confirmned with a stern nod of his head. "Well, thank god for that! I mean, you're a good guy and all, but talk about awkward! Am I right?!" I laughed, relieved at the news. Dwalin, smiled and thumped me on the shoulder as he walked back to the rest of the group. I turned to watch him go and caught Thorin checking Bil over for injuries. His hands definitely lingered on Bils ass longer than necessary. I walked back to the group and slapped Nori on the shoulder as he was shrugging into his cloak. "Well, fellas, let's get this shit show on the road, shall we?" I was greeted with disgruntled mumbling. "Let's go find us a troll hoard!" I exclaimed as I marched off toward the source of the troll footprints. That changed their dour attitude real quick.
Before I went inside the cave, I pulled a small vial from my front zippered pocket of my bag and placed a few droplets of the contents into my bandana I wore around my neck. "What's that" Bil asked curiously, peering over my shoulder. "Oh, a little essential oil mix I made up that will over power the smell of whatever shit is rotting away in that cave." I explained and tied the bandana around my face like I was going to rob a bank in a western. I placed my hand on his shoulder and asked," watch my shit for me while I'm in there, would ya? I trust that little prick Nori as far as I can throw him." Then as I walked away I looked back at him over my shoulder and asked, "How was the game of grab-ass you were playing with lover boy? Was it everything you dreamed it would be?" Bil shot me a look that would have maimed me if it could, and flipped me off. I laughed and returned my thoughts to the troll hoard. I found a few nice necklaces and an elven short sword in all that disgusting mess. That was about it for my loot. I didn't want to have to carry much else, knowing that this was going to be a looooooong trip and we were only at the beginning. I started to leave the cave, passing the small group of dwarves burying some treasure in a shallow pit like a bunch of pirate rejects. I emerged from the stench and witnessed Gandalf gifting Bil with a small elven sword similar to the one I found. Shortly there-after, someone shouted that something was approaching our group and everyone pulled out their weapons, ready to fight if needed. I nudged Bil, trying to convey that he shouldn't be scared. A sled pulled by giant rabbits burst through the underbrush, its musher yelling words like, 'Thieves! Fire! Murder!', which I guess is the middle-earth version of a siren. Radagast pretty much looked like any random homeless person I'd ever seen. He looked like he was wearing every item of clothing he owned, all at once. His hair was greasy, unwashed, and had actual bird shit in it. Also, he looked like he was tweaking, hard. Gandalf approached the brown wizard and the dwarves went from defcon 4 back to defcon 1, replacing their weapons in their holders. I, however, was gushing at the sight of the rabbits. I approached the lead rabbit cautiously, offering friendship as I pet his head. By the time Gandalf and Radagast came out of their little conclave, I was practically laying on said rabbit, sweet talking him and scratching all his itchy spots. I named him Hazel-Rah, after the chief rabbit in one of my favorite stories, 'Watership Down'. I'm not even sure if he was actually a he, as I thought it was a bit rude to try and check under the hood, so to speak. Fili and Kili were cracking jokes about how a bunch of giant bunnies made me turn from a viper to a pile of mush. Honestly, I wasn't even mad. Who could be mad while loving up a giant rabbit?
A howl came through the woods from a nearby location, causing the rabbits to become tense. My lovefest was over for now, so I rushed over to Bils side as he stuttered, "Is that a wolf? Are there wolves out here?" I slung my pack on to my back and drew my new short sword. I have no fucking idea how to fight with a sword, but I'm all about giving it the old college try. The pointy end goes in the other guy, right? Right. A large dog like creature leapt down into our midst from above the cave opening, and Kili shot it with an arrow. As it turned and snapped blindly in pain, Thorin finished it off with a sword or axe. I never knew which because of what happened next. He must've hit an artery because I was immediately hosed down with hot blood, soaking into my clothes and coating my skin. "MOTHER FUCKER!" I jumped away a little too late. I glared at Thorin as I tried to wipe the blood off my face, convinced he did that on purpose. I studied the corpse of the animal while Thorin and Gandalf argued about whether or not Thorin advised anyone of shady character about his quest, because he was now being hunted. Considering that Thorin asked all of dwarvendom to join up, and only twelve dwarves showed up, I'm thinking he was a pretty unpopular guy. I can't imagine why (insert eye roll). The warg looked like a wolf, but only it was the size of a rhinoceros. A rhinoceros sized wolf, drastically underweight and covered in mange. I felt really bad about it having to die, but after looking at it, we probably did it a favor. I was pulled from my thoughts by Radagast announcing, "These are Rosgobel Rabbits! I'd like to see them try!" As the sled sped off into the underbrush I yelled out," Hazel-Rah, you stay safe!" The dwarves looked at me like I was mentally challenged, talking to a rabbit. As far as I was concerned, Hazel-Rah was a better conversationalist that these dwarves. As I already had my pack on my back, I was ready and running right next to Gandalf as he led us from boulder to boulder.
Radagast and the rabbits lead the wargs on a merry chase, coming closer to our group than was comfortable quite a few times. I was seriously beginning to question the sanity of all wizards in Arda. I kept thinking, 'Does he not know where to go?' He looked like a senile old man looking for his car in the parking lot of the mall of America during Christmas, for fucks sake. Meanwhile, while I was mentally chastising Radagast, Gandalf disappeared, and a warg was now perched on top of the boulder we were hiding against. Thorin gave Kili a brief nod, and before you could say 'what the fuck', Kili notched an arrow, stepped away from the shelter of the rock and shot the warg. The poor creature fell at our feet. It's rider came down with it. The orc let out a cry, alerting his friends to his location and his plight before I reacted and sliced his throat clean through and silenced him. If I thought about what I just did I was going to throw up, so I didn't think about it. We ran in a straggled group, aimlessly, looking for any kind of escape route. The wargs were beginning to surround us and closing the circle, when I spotted Gandalf as he popped up from between two boulders calling us over. My lungs burned and my legs hated me at this point, but staying alive was important to me. I grabbed Bil by the hand and dragged him over to where Gandalf disappeared. There was a dark chasm between the boulders and I could hear Gandalf down in the dark muttering to himself. I tossed Bil down into the chasm, and stood at the entrance guiding the others to safety, shoving dwarf after dwarf down into the dark. "Kili!" I heard Thorins desperate cry and turned to see that the wargs had cut the young archer off from the rest of us when he paused to shoot a few of their comrades down. "Shit! Shit! Shit!" I cursed as I ran back into the fray. The wargs were too preoccupied with Kili to notice my approach. I came up behind the warg closest to our escape route, and using Dwalins dagger, I sliced the poor things tendons, effectively hamstringing it. It's back legs collapsed, useless. As it fell to the ground, yelping in pain, its rider fell with it and became trapped under the beasts' weight. I continued forward, stabbing the orc through the chest and then, dodging the snapping jaws of the warg, I mercifully sliced its throat. While I was doing all of this, Kili took advantage of the opening I provided, and made it safely to Thorin. I followed suit, and all three of us slid down the smooth ramp of the chasm and landed in a heap at the bottom. A horn sounded from above and one of the orcs, pierced by an arrow, rolled down the ramp into our little hidey-hole. Thorin pulled the arrow from the corpse and snarled out the word, "Elves!" What a racist prick. Dwalin said that there was a pathway but couldn't see where it lead, asking if we should follow it. "Follow it, of course!" Bofur confirmed, seemingly as eager as I was to put as much distance between us and the events of the last 24 hours as we could. The blood soaked relay race we just participated in sapped all the good feels I had stored up from loving on Hazel-Rah, and I grudgingly followed the dwarves, bringing up the rear. From this location I witnessed Thorin grasping Bils hand in a comforting gesture and it warmed my heart a little. Not much, but a little.
