Disclaimer: Eva ain't mine.

Chapter Three: Life, Death, and Morality/The Matter of Familiar Ceilings

The doctors were told nothing, merely shown official documents and told to stay out of the patient's room for a few hours. They were understandably worried due to the identity of the patient, but did nothing out of fear of losing their jobs. Many of the staff had transferred to Tokyo-2 from Nerv, and the belief that questions would only be met with silence and worse was ingrained in them.

It was a quick affair. A mixture of men came to the room. Two wearing suits and ties took up positions in front of the door after shutting it and began to watch the hall with vigilant eyes hidden behind mirrored sunglasses. The rest wore white lab coats, but looked as cold and serious as their protectors in spite of their apparent nature as doctors. They also wore surgical masks, not for protection but to conceal their identity. One of them checked the life support system and IV drip to ensure that the procedure would not seriously affect the patient, then another took out a long needle from within his coat. After removing the sterile covering from the tip, he pushed the sleeve of the patient's coat up until a pale white arm lay bare under the harsh lights of the room. It was the only part of the body not covered by bandages. With expert precision, the needle pushed against then inserted itself into the arm. For a moment it stuck as it encountered the bone, but with a little pressure it broke through and came to a rest in the marrow. The doctor quickly obtained the sample, then removed the needle. He took a moment to check it, ensuring they had enough, then wrapped bandage around the injured forelimb. The only evidence of the act was a bright red spot upon the white gauze. The third doctor opened up what at first glanced appeared to be a briefcase and removed from it a small cylinder shrouded in wisps of nitrogen as it turned from liquid to gas. The top of it was quickly opened and the sample was forced into a small plastic container at its center. Both were quickly closed back up and returned to the case. The door was opened and the group left in silence. Their only acknowledgements as they left the hospital were the frightened and subtle glances of the normal staff.

"You were a bit more polite about inviting me here this time," Kozo Fuyutski greeted the monoliths of SEELE in a sarcastic voice. He stood proudly in the center of them, like some ancient druid in a mythical circle of stones confronting his gods, but instead of moonlight his face was bathed in the glowing red light from their designations.

"As with last time, your presence is appreciated." The voice of Keel Lorenz carried no malice as it boomed forth. It did not need to in order to be threatening.

"Hmmm… well, I doubt I'm here for another interrogation. You've certainly been thorough in that regard. Of course, if you have any more questions I'd be happy to answer them." The smirk, which had been hinted at, finally broke through on the elderly man's face causing a burst of pain to shoot through it from the bruise on his cheek.

"We have no questions. We are satisfied with our account of the events surrounding Nerv."

"Yes, of course, and I'm sure the public is satisfied as well. Not necessarily with the same account of events, of course."

"Indeed they are," Lorenz said in a voice that conveyed a sense of cynical amusement. It was difficult to say who was the target of his contempt.

"I'm wondering though. Why am I still alive? I doubt you have any use for me, and I imagine what I know is a danger to your organization." Fuyutski punctuated his statement with a shrug, as though he really did not care. He had expected to be shot immediately once they were finished with him, so he was somewhat surprised when he was summoned to meet with the council. He didn't think he was that important.

"Quite to the contrary."

"Oh? I am no threat or you have a use for me?"

"Both," Lorenz stated, a harsh contraction to the former sub-commander's sarcasm.

"How so?"

"To the first question, you are no threat to us because of your brother, his daughter, and his daughter's children."

"I see, resorting to petty threats now?" Fuyutski's tone of voice had lost its good humor at the mention of his only living relatives. He was not close to them, but he had been once. He treasured the memories of the time before he had known Yui and Gendo, back when he could face himself in the mirror without feeling guilt.

"They are effective."

"Indeed."

"May I ask what the answer to my second question is, then?"

"Nerv has no Commander. We need someone with experience to watch over it and ensure that it will be as effective as possible in defense of mankind."

"How do you know I won't betray you as Gendo did? Surely in your old age you aren't becoming senile."

Lorenz smirked to himself and leaned forward to rest his chin upon folded hands. The sub-commander he remembered from before the Nerv incident was sarcastic, but not nearly as insulting. Perhaps the poor diet or regular "interrogations" were beginning to affect the old man's judgment and gentlemanly behavior. SEELE-1 had long passed beyond the age where insults would bother him, now the professor's behavior was simply amusing, like a child's. Most men in the world were children compared to the head of SEELE.

"We have more bells this time that we know will ring."

"So you would use me as a puppet?"

"Of course, but at least you would be allowed to live as a reasonably free man. It's better than spending the remainder of your life in prison, hidden from the sun and the world. We could select another candidate; someone with less experience and skills in these matters perhaps, but someone far more willing."

For a moment, Fuyutski looked away as though thinking, the he smiled again, though it was more rueful this time, an odd throwback to his first meeting with SEELE. No memories accompanied the gesture this time, and he straightened his back slightly as he proudly faced the monolith representing the head of the council. The other monoliths floated silently about him, a grim audience that would have frightened a lesser man, but Fuyutski was not intimidated. He had nothing left save his life that they could take from him, and perhaps that was enough to make him free from their power.

"Nerv once again, eh? This reminds me of when I was first asked to join GEHRIN a few years after Second Impact. You want to lead me forth into the demon's lair once more I suppose. Though whether I am more or less willing now that I know what awaits me there is debatable." A low chuckle accompanied the statement, and his voice took on a hint of resignation.

"Perhaps, but even more than imprisonment, I think being without a purpose in life would hurt you. That's why you became so interested in Yui Ikari's work, because you saw it as the door to something greater than being a measly college professor," Keel Lorenz said with just a hint of contempt.

"That could be true."

"That's why you left your houseboat to join GEHRIN, even after you found out the true causes of Second Impact and in spite of your moral objections."

A small, sad smile was the only answer Kozo gave to the question.

The Chairman ignored the Professor's expression as he continued in a voice filled with cold accusation.

"I wonder, did you even believe in Gendo's cause? Or did you just want to have a hand in the fate of the world, even if it meant being little more than an assistant that knew a great deal. Perhaps you wanted to see Yui again, but I think the real reason was you couldn't stand not being important. You were a little man who wanted to be great."

"Perhaps, but I'm old now. Time teaches wisdom even as it takes life."

Confident that it wouldn't be seen, Keel Lorenz smiled sadly along with the Professor. Even though they had vastly different agendas, for that moment, even though he would never tell a soul, Lorenz felt a sort of kinship with the man. He had paid much for wisdom; his eyes, his body, perhaps even his soul, and rarely he would ask himself if his life would have been better if he had never started in the first place. He would never take the debate regarding his morality beyond the purely academic, though. He had walked his grim path far too long to leave it for a different life, and any sign of weakness now would result in disaster. Lorenz dismissed his doubts as natural to any intelligent man and his overall conviction did not waver. Still… in the dark hours of the night after his assistants helped him into bed, as he lay next to where his wife once had over forty years before and listened to the soft creaks and groans that echoed throughout his vast manor, he wondered if she would have loved more the wise relic of a man he was now or the ambitious yet naïve dreamer he had once been.

"For some it does. Even if you do not value importance or your life, you should at least value your freedom. Ten, twenty years is a long time to be spent in a dark, dank cell doing nothing."

Fuyutski chuckled a bit at this grave threat, and then spoke in a voice that seemed light but tired at the same time. He had learned that tone of voice in GEHRIN then perfected it in Nerv. It was something that could only be taught by witnessing dreams die.

"Yes, it is, but I have a lot to think about; I've certainly led an interesting life. Gendo and Yui made sure of that."

"Yet you still avoid the question, so I will confront you with it directly. Will you take up the mantle of Supreme Commander? I can guarantee you will not be involved in the Instrumentality project, merely in the defense of the world." Keel's voice was harsh and confrontational, and the scowl lines on his age-chiseled face hardened with annoyance. The time for flippancy had passed. He wanted to know the Professor's decision and, if it was not suitable, make adjustments. Years spent as a businessman who dealt in the souls of men had made him patient only as long as it benefited him.

Kozo Fuyutski turned his head to the side as though unable to face SEELE-1 directly. The monoliths of the council surrounded him like cold and merciless spectators in an ancient Roman arena. The idea of being imprisoned did not appeal to him. He was old, and yet he did not desire to just waste away either. Age was a cause for him to do more, not less. This was one of the principles that had driven him to become an eminent professor in one of the foremost universities of the world and later to become one of the participants in the most ambitious project in human history. On the other hand, Nerv had taken so much from so many, and the part of him that was painfully human cried out against it. Nerv and Project-E had been formed with great ambition and good intentions, but it was fed with the souls of both the innocent and guilty. He had been there when Yui was absorbed into Unit-1, the first sacrifice. He had read the reports about Dr. Sohryu losing her mind. He had been there when Gendo Ikari, a man once devoted to his wife and son had remarked that he was beginning a new project, a project that was at its heart not just playing God but taking His place. Ultimately, it was his memories of the pilots and their fates that made his decision for him. He thought of Asuka lying in a hospital bed, raped and empty. He thought of Rei, sacrificing herself only to be reborn once again as a tool. He thought of Shinji, alone and empty after watching those he loved taken from him one by one until he was forced to kill Kaoru. The Professor might not have had much humanity left in him, but that part of him which was still human forced him to look back at SEELE-1. He straightened his back and set his jaw proudly, then spoke in a voice firmed by years of teaching and authority.

"No."

Keel would have blinked if he could have. He was honestly surprised and speechless for the first time in many years. The failure of the Third Impact had not blindsided him to this degree. Even in this state, however, he was able to come to a decision quickly and efficiently before any of the other council members could speak.

"Fine. You may leave then. We have no more reason to hold you."

It was now the former Sub-Commander's turn to be surprised. He had expected a much less pleasant response for his refusal. For a moment he almost considered thanking the man before he realized who he was, and the double meaning behind his words. These grim thoughts, as well as his desire to remain in the chamber quickly ended, and he turned sharply on his heel and walked out into the depths of the Ministry of the Interior. Few went in this sub-ground level area, where the darker dealings of the Japanese government took place, but he had walked these dull beige halls many a time when Gendo had sent him to run errands, and for a moment he wondered if this would be the last.

One minor official, stuck in his boxlike office at a rickety wooden desk, looked up from the release forms of various unimportant Nerv technicians to catch sight of Fuyutski as he passed by. For a moment he thought about sending a call to security to inform them of the person dressed in prison whites in case he was escaping, but something about the proud step of the elderly man and the firm look in his eyes made him stop. It really wasn't that important anyways, and it was better not to get involved concerning people who came from that direction. He had heard stories about people who had gotten too interested in what occurred in the lower halls. None of them were pleasant. As he went back to signing forms that would be signed by a dozen other people before the day was over, he hoped that someday he could look like that. Being another unimportant cog in the machine that was the Ministry of the Interior didn't give him much cause for pride, but everyone needed hope, even members of the government.

As Fuyutski stepped out into the sunlight for the first time in one and a half months, he was struck by an odd memory of another trip to the Ministry of the Interior several months after he first became the sub-commander. It had been a long time since he had thought of such things, and he decided to savor the moment. Times like this are the best to find a little happiness, after all.

Yui walked along side him, that perpetual yet tiny smile of hers gracing her lips in spite of the four hour meeting they had just attended. Kozo was considerably more disgruntled, and feeling the near snarl on his face and seeing the peace on hers caused the difference in their ages to weigh heavily upon him. He felt like an old man, and while he enjoyed his time with Yui normally, he wished Gendo had been able to handle this one. The man was always sending him on these menial jobs, saying he had more important things to do. Fuyutski simply thought his former advisee didn't like to be bored by those ignorant old council members.

For a while the two had walked in silence. Conversation would have been difficult at best anyways with the sounds of construction that played midwife to the birthing city. Kozo was just beginning to wonder once again if sub-commander was just another word for errand boy. He had just started pondering the irony of being ordered around by two of his former students for the thousandth time when suddenly he felt a slim hand wrap around his arm at the elbow.

Fuyutski turned and looked at his companion to see Yui staring at him with knowing green eyes while inclining her head towards a small corner café. For a moment the middle-aged man was surprised, and he involuntarily stared at her for a moment, something he tried to avoid normally due to age difference if not because of her married status. She was an undeniably lovely girl, and her pale skin made her seem exotic rather than unhealthy. He seemed very bland in his business suit, but she seemed alive in her pale green-blue blouse and slacks. She never wore red. She said it clashed with her eyes too much. Women worried about such silly things. With his eyes he traced her slim arm down to where her hand wrapped around his elbow, and for a moment noticed how it seemed white against the black of his sports jacket. Yui merely laughed under his scrutiny, a light ringing sound that lightened his heavy expression but also surprised him out of his examination.

"Kozo, if you're done looking, I was wondering if you'd like to get something to eat. I don't know about you, but having to listen to a seventy year old babble on about the dangers of technology for an hour makes me hungry," she said in her typically flirtatious and teasing tone.

"Oh, of course, hmmm… That place looks expensive, though," he stammered, but to his credit he resisted the urge to blush.

"Well, we're still out of GEHRIN business, technically, and we have been charging all our other meals to our official accounts. Something a little more expensive won't upset anyone besides the accountants, and having a high rank lets you ignore little things like that." The innocence in Yui's voice was tinged with mischief, and Kozo found himself nodding and chuckling a bit at both her words and her tone.

"I suppose it couldn't hurt," he agreed as the couple walked through the tiny gate set in an elegant fence that surrounded the outdoor café.

They picked a glass table near the entrance to the café and sat down opposite each other in ornate metal chairs. It had obviously been designed to imitate a French café, from everything to the small porcelain coffee cups and saucers the people at the other tables were using to the black and white uniforms of the waiters. It was a crowded day there. Businessmen trying to be fashionable occupied almost every other table, and waiters danced between them carrying orders in a state of near panic. Outside cars flew by, honking and screeching at each other while closer the march of the masses provided an unending drumbeat of feet. Yui and Fuyutski were simply gazing around an observing their surroundings in that typically awkward way people have before one of them has decided how to begin a conversation. A waiter dashed by their table and quickly placed, almost threw, two menus down upon it in front of them. Kozo blinked once in surprise as the man dashed off once again into the maze of tables without introducing himself. Apparently the waiters were typically French in their manners as well. He looked down upon it and was not surprised to discover that the items on the menu were considerably expensive as well.

"You've been with us a few months, and we've shown you a lot. What do you think?" Yui's tone was now serious. "I know you were against everything when you first arrived."

"I'm still not sure. It seems so grandiose, like a dream maybe. I guess I wonder if it's all worth it."

"You'll have to find your own answer to that question, I'm afraid. I know Gendo loves to preach about realizing mankind's potential and such, but in reality it's individual lives that will be affected."

Kozo nodded slightly, then, after frowning for a moment, glanced around the area with eye narrowed in concentration. It seemed like it was finally time to discuss some matters he had been mulling over, but it would still be best to ensure no one uninvited was listening. Fortunately, everyone else at the restaurant seemed to be engrossed in his or her own conversations, and the moving crowds did not favor loiterers.

"I guess I just wonder sometimes. Your memorial, man's immortality… when did being individual humans with our own thoughts and hopes stop being enough?" the new sub-commander said in an annoyed voice.

"This is nice, sitting out here… enjoying ourselves… but is it enough? Humanity is so frail, so alone. Times like this end so quickly and become sad. We're like a glass statuette that fell down and broke into a thousand pieces. Sometimes the shards reflect light beautifully, but the pieces are not what the statuette once was or should have been. That's how I think of it at least." Yui smiled sadly.

"How will you know where your dreams end and someone else's begin? Will you have your own dreams at all?"

"Maybe people will share dreams. We do that now, sometimes."

"I suppose we do."

"Humanity is a child trying to grow up. I see it in Shinji, you know. He seems so content with the world sometimes, but other times he cries or is in pain and I don't know how to help him. It's funny, I'm a scientist that discovers the mysteries of life but sometimes I can't even ease my own child."

"But where does Eva, your memorial, come in?"

"Just because a time has passed doesn't mean it should be forgotten. It's like the baby pictures we keep, or maybe like when we bronze shoes. Humanity has done good things in this form that should be remembered, even if we're destined to pass on."

"Still, it seems these discussions are just peripheral to the real issue," Kozo shook his head slightly then let his chin rest upon his hand. He stared off at the midday traffic almost absently. His former students would have been hard pressed to believe this quietly contemplative man was their strict and somewhat isolated teacher at one time. "I wonder what it will truly be like… beyond all the words and vague analogies."

Yui seemed about ready to answer when the waiter stepped up to the table and announced his return by clearing his throat. He held a pen and pad in his hands looked at them impatiently as he awaited their orders. Kozo felt a brief surge of annoyance, then glanced down at his menu and rattled off something at random. Yui did the same.

Since then, on occasion when he was thinking about her Fuyutski wondered what her answer might have been. He never asked Gendo, not even during their long discussions where plans where hatched and conspiracies were formed. He simply never felt the kinship with the man that he had with Yui. It would have been inappropriate.

Now, Kozo opened his eyes once again to find himself standing on the steps of the Ministry of the Interior, fourteen years older and a thousand years wiser. Fuyutski began to walk, tracing the route he had taken so many years before. Perhaps he would see the café once again, if it still existed. He had never gone back. As he began to cross a side street, one final thought came to him, an answer to why he had always been so uncertain about his desire for Third Impact. It wasn't really needed on the grandiose scale SEELE desired, it happened a billion times a day in a billion different forms whenever two humans met. Instrumentality already existed whenever two people understood and loved each other. Friends, husbands and wives, they all complemented each other. The barrier of the soul, the AT-field, could be broken by the words "I love you" as effectively as any Lance of Longinus. The interactions of people were the true Red Earth ceremony.

Back in the SEELE council chambers, there was an uncomfortable silence. Then there came a shuffling from behind several of the massive black monoliths as members collected themselves in preparation to speak. They had expected Kozo to be back in prison right now or worse. SEELE disliked surprises, especially from one of their own. Before the outbursts had a chance to begin, SEELE-1's voice rang out once again in the dark room, silencing their objections. He spoke one word.

"Watch."

For a moment, nothing happened, then out of the dark floor rose another monolith. This one did not have "Sound Only" or a number written across it in glaring red letters, however. Instead, an image flickered to life upon its impassive surface, revealing the front doors of the Ministry. For several minutes, the image did not change. Men in suits walked in and out of the revolving doors, and a few paused on the steps to bow briefly to an associate. Some even stopped to talk briefly or put out their cigarette before going inside, though none lingered for more than a minute or two. In the background, voices and the sounds of car engines could be heard interrupted by the occasional honking or shouting. Then the revolving doors turned once again and an elderly man in plain white clothes walked out into the sunlight. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, attracting the attention of several people as he merely stood there enjoying the outdoors. He then briskly moved down the steps and began to walk on the sidewalk. The screen of the monolith began to follow him slowly, like a car moving along the side of the road. Keel Lorenz felt a bit of pity and regret for what would come next, but it was necessary. Information was dangerous in the wrong hands, and the wrong hands were anyone outside of Nerv and SEELE.

For a while, Fuyutski simply walked, ignoring the strange looks his haggard appearance received from passers-by, then the former sub-commander crossed a side street that was deserted except for a single black sedan that lay dormant along side several dumpsters. The moment Fuyutski reached the center of the street, it suddenly roared to life, its headlights coming on like the eyes of a predator suddenly opening. The sedan tore out of its parking space with the sound of squealing tires and flung itself at the man at the center of the screen. He hit the car at the dead center of its grill and was flung up over the hood then the roof, his limbs flailing like that of a marionette whose master had suddenly jerked the strings. The council chambers were silent except for the thud of the old man falling to the ground lifelessly, and then sound of the car's straining engine as it fled down the street. The screen turned off and the monolith it was on faded into nothingness.

"He did not seem terribly surprised." SEELE-5 remarked in a heavily accented voice after a moment's silence. This was met by a few cynical chuckles, though Keel did not join in.

"Send for the next candidate, she was as involved with Nerv as he was and should be far more willing to serve as the temporary Commander," Keel spoke once again in a tone that demanded obedience. Then in a voice that could almost be amused as he said, "After all, that is preferable to being cast away."

The Commander had once remarked to her when he was in one of his rare philosophical moods that one of the most interesting experiences a human could have was learning something new about him or herself. Rei found the statement to be accurate at first, before the fall of Nerv. Often at the end of her day before she went to sleep she would simply sit and analyze it from beginning to end. Perhaps it was simply her analytical nature, or perhaps she simply wanted to know the Rei before her from which faint memories would occasionally come, especially when she was around the Commander or Ikari. From these musings, she would occasionally gain insight into the nature of her own identity, and she found these moments to be very interesting and worthwhile indeed.

Now, Rei was learning something new about herself once again, however she was not particularly interested by it. It was similar to the sensation she had received when she had first left the airport and had been reminded of Tokyo-3, but this time it was not pleasant. It had started several nights before when she had gotten out of bed in the early hours of the morning to use the restroom. In the darkness, she had been disoriented and had walked into a wall. It had taken that and her eyes adjusting to the dark for her to remember where she was. Most people would have been happy to move from a dingy, run-down apartment in a condemned building on the bad side of town to a very well furnished ranch style home. Instead, Rei had only felt a vague state of unease as she rested her arm on the wall for a moment, looking at the dark outlines of the bed, desk, and dressers that were in her new room. A few moments later she was slightly surprised to realize she was standing next to where the door to her bathroom would have been had she been in her old apartment. Perhaps not fully being awake had caused the error, but that did not explain the feeling it caused.

She also found herself looking at herself in the mirror more often than she had before. It never seemed to be intentional. She did not feel the need to be vain about her appearance. Sometimes as she was walking about the house she would catch her reflection in the window and simply stand there, gazing at it, pondering her changed features. She knew she could not safely return to her original appearance, but something about having black eyes and brown haired bothered her in a way she could not quite describe. It did not seem familiar, and she did not enjoy it.

On the other hand, there were things she did enjoy. In the expansive back yard of the house was a small farm pond, surrounded by pussy willows. Its water was just clear enough to see the algae and occasional movements of fish beneath the surface. Rei found that she spent more time near it than any other place in her new residence. Every night at 8pm she would go outside and sit down near the shore. The American Midwest had been caught in the same perpetual summer as Japan, and this incited the frogs and crickets that inhabited the area to create a chorus of chirps every night. She had never heard those sounds or any like them before, but they still reminded her of something from before, of dreams that were not hers. Sometimes when she was sitting on the grassy bank she could almost remember being in a different place. It was a memory of being surrounded by people that looked like she did now while she stared out a window and listened to the world. It was a memory that two months ago she would have just regarded as an expected leftover from the soul transfer, but now when she decided to go to the pond it was something to be… anticipated.

She spent a great deal of time there during the day as well. During the brief existence she knew was her own, she had swum a great deal in the pool in the Nerv gymnasium or had drifted weightlessly in the LCL tanks when she wished to think. Being there seemed to be a natural part of existence, in some ways more comfortable than being on land. As she drifted in the water or the LCL, she often wondered if it was similar to what non-existence might be like. Now, in this new place, she would often do the same thing, doing exact laps in the pond even though the lines were missing. Oddly enough, the fish seemed to have grown used to her, and often as she drifted back and forth she would feel the cool water shift with their movements and occasionally she would even collide with one. The sensation of scales unexpectedly brushing up against bare skin then the frantic movements as the animal made its escape would've surprised most people, but Rei was not disturbed by it even the first time it happened.

Since then, she had begun to look for other things that brought her these sorts of sensations, since in addition to being strangely agreeable, they also seemed to reduce the frequency of the less agreeable ones. She did not know why she began to search for new things, except that often in addition to comfort they also would occasionally bring her further insight into the memories that were hers but not hers. When she asked herself why she did this in the first place, her only answers were further mysteries.

While Rei did not care about most things, when something caught her attention, she focused upon it to a degree most would consider obsessive. Her mind processed information with machinelike efficiency. Phonebooks, directories, even web pages on the computer she found in the den were all examined thoroughly then discarded. She did not take notes, she did not need to. The first activity she considered was entering junior high. She had many memories, all from before, of a place that all evidence indicated was a school, and she knew her non-work related clothing were school uniforms. Evidence leads to a conclusion.

This idea was quickly discarded, however. While she had all the required documentation of her identity, she also discovered that there would be forms that would require signature of a parent or guardian since she was, according to her false identity, not eighteen yet. She quickly decided it would be more trouble than it would be worth to pursue a different identity or a signature, even though she could not deny she felt a desire to be there. That brought her to the next possibility, which she was currently investigating.

In addition to swimming and simply thinking on her bed, she had spent a great deal of her free time before the Nerv incident reading. She had found a great many books when she had first arrived, or returned, to her apartment. There had been one physics textbook that had produced a very vivid memory, one more real than most of the others. For a moment she had been sitting in the sunlight reading it, the sounds of children around her, when a shadow had fallen across it and a brash and arrogant female voice, like the Doctor's but not like the Doctor's, had said… what? Something unimportant she assumed, most things were like that.

All of the books she had left behind were similar to that physics textbook, in that all of them focused on various scientific topics. Where most people would have been bored to tears, for her obtaining new knowledge was agreeable, like water. And so, discovering that her residence lacked any books, the Commander had made sure it was comfortable but avoided having any traces of his own personality in it, she decided to walk seven miles to a small public library near the town of Marion.

For an hour she simply walked in the grass alongside the two-lane road that passed the library. The skies were swirled with clouds and sunlight, and the brisk wind prevented the heat from growing too oppressive. Rei kept up a constant pace, never once slowing down to look at the perpetually in-bloom patches of wildflowers or the patches of trees within which the movements of deer could just barely be seen. She noticed these things of course, but they didn't interest her. The less pleasant features of her walk did not bother her either. Several times poorly maintained cars passed her and kicked up clouds of exhaust and dust that made Rei's eyes water. They were relics of an era when America was still strong, before she had been ravaged by the wars that followed Second Impact, and their sputtering engines and trails of oily smoke hinted at how much the once great nation had sacrificed of itself in order to survive. Once she passed by a modern looking corporate farm that reeked of too many cows and chickens forced to live too close together. This made her frown slightly.

Finally, she found the library alongside the road in the center of what might have become a town but instead turned out to be little more than a run-down rest stop. The library was a small building, wedged neatly between a State Liquor Store which proudly advertised beer and cigarettes at state minimum prices and a gas station. It was clean and somewhat modern looking which was more than could be said for its neighbors. She stepped up to the glass door, ignoring a vulgar catcall from one of the liquor store's patrons as he exited, and paused for a moment with her fingers wrapped around the handle. It was strange; in spite of the long walk there she felt a moment of uncertainty, as she had right before the doors to the LCL plant during the final battle. It felt like things would change in a way she could not control once she went into this place. That was illogical though, she had never had anything unpredictable happen at the Nerv library and that was similar to this one. So she opened the door whose only decoration was a hand written sign advertising reading classes for young children and stepped through. Several years later while reflecting, she would realize that her intuition was more correct than her logic. It would be an interesting observation.

Martha Paul, the librarian, was also known to the younger patrons of the library as Grandma Pitchfork in honor of the display next to the door which consisted of tools from the family farm she and her now dead husband had owned before the Second Impact. They had lost it during the '90s in the depression, and it had been replaced by a large corporate farm. After telling this to her listener, who was anyone lucky or unlucky enough to be around when she felt like talking, she would say that it was the best thing that ever happened to her. When asked why she had the display if she hated that life, she would laugh and reply that it was there to remind her how good she had it now. She genuinely enjoyed her meager position, since it not only allowed her to satisfy her love of reading, but to indulge her other hobby as well, being a busybody. Gossip from the person who was supposed to maintain the rule of silence filled the small building whenever one of her friends, acquaintances, or anyone whose name she knew visited. Another of her odd traits was to not only take it upon herself as being the person who ran the library, but to be an advisor to its patrons whether they asked or not. Few books passed under her laser pointer during checkout that were not commented upon.

As Rei Ayanami passed through the door of the small building she paused for a moment, feeling a tingling sensation at the back of her neck. She turned her head slowly, calmly returning the gaze of a gray-haired woman that would politely be described as overweight. The woman seemed to be examining her with an excited expression from behind the large checkout desk. She began to step around the counter, apparently to speak to her, when she was suddenly halted by the ringing of the phone from some unseen part of the back office. With a grumble and an oddly quick motion that caused her blue floral dress to spin rapidly, the elderly woman stalked back into her inner sanctuary. Rei stood there for a moment, wondering if she should wait for the woman's return before examining the library's selection in the event that she had instructions to issue.

After waiting a few seconds, Rei heard a loud, excited voice begin to come from where the librarian had gone describing something called "bingo night". This earned a slight frown of confusion from the now black haired girl, then she quietly stepped further into the library to examine the selection. The building was best described as gray. The institutional carpet was gray, the walls were a lighter gray, even the metal shelves that housed the small selection of books were gray. The books and the leafy plant that sat in a pot in one corner next to a strange display of instruments seemed drained of their color by the overwhelming blandness of the rest of the room. Even afternoon sunlight that poured through the half open windows seemed to lose its energy the moment it entered.

Rei did not consider the aesthetics as she passed to the lone computer that served as a card catalog. It was a battered machine from a good five years before, and a small plastic placard next to it read "Donation of the Williams Family." She was familiar with this type of system from her frequent visits to the Nerv library, though instead of a red fig leaf background there was a picture some bright yellow hot air balloons silhouetted against a clear blue sky. Strange, they did not give any clue to the library's affiliation or provide technical support in any way. Perhaps the library was suggesting that potential readers focus on aeronautics. Rei decided it was unclear at best. After a few moments, she selected a stubby pencil and tiny note card with one hand and rapidly began typing and manipulating the battered mouse with the other.

After twenty minutes at the computer, Rei was pleased that all of her selections were in, but the small number of them was distinctly disappointing. They were also all very out of date, with a good portion of them written in the 1950s and 60s. The most recent publication was the 2010 Survey of the Human Genome, but she had already read the 2014 edition. Still, the options seemed to be decidedly limited, and she was not terribly interested in older books that advocated proteins over DNA as the building blocks of life. The selection for physics and mathematics was slightly more modern, but a great deal of it was meant to be tutorials explaining simple concepts such as differential calculus and basic Euclidean geometry to school age children. There was simply nothing new to Rei in them.

She moved from shelf to shelf like a phantom. At each location the call numbers indicated, she would pause and examine the often-worn titles of the books one by one. Occasionally, a pale hand would withdraw one of the books from its siblings, and she would quickly browse through it to see if it contained any information worth examining. More often than not the book would be returned to its spot. After fifteen minutes, she had selected five that seemed to be worthwhile. Two thin books on organic chemistry, one book on calculus in a three dimensional system, a book detailing non-military N2 applications, and the survey of the human genome. Their bland single color covers were all dirty, and several times when removing the books a puff of dust followed it, earning a few soft sneezes from her. They were inaudible over the loud banter coming from the back office.

When Martha Paul finished her conversation and came back, happily refreshed from hearing about who won what at the Church's weekly casino night, she found the foreign girl that came in earlier calmly standing between the two velvet ropes that lead up to the desk at the white line marked "wait here". Martha stood behind her desk waiting for a moment for the girl to move up, but when she continued to stand there expressionlessly it earned an impatient frown.

"Dear, you can step up to the desk now if you're ready to check out your books, okay?" Martha said with an all too warm smile, like that of an elderly aunt who has found a cheek to pinch.

Rei walked in front of the desk, never breaking her stare, and set her books down in front of Martha on a rubber mat.

"Now, what's your name, honey? Do you have a library card? You know you need one to get books from a library," Martha crooned.

"Akane Kanno. No, I do not. How may I obtain one?" Rei spoke in a voice barely above a whisper after a few moments. Those who had known her would have noticed the slightest hint of hesitation in her manner. She was familiar with the use of the word "honey" as a term of endearment, but why would the woman refer to her with it? It was strange and even a bit disturbing, but it also was not important.

"You looked like it was your first time here. Just moved into the area? Well, I'm pleased to meet you. I'm Martha, Martha Paul, and I hope to be seeing more of you." The elderly woman offered her plump hand eagerly across the desk. Rei blinked slightly, unsure of her meaning but recognizing the gesture from when she had seen Sub-Commander Fuyutski introduced to an American businessman who was conducting negotiations. Hesitantly, she offered her own hand, wondering if this ritual was necessary to obtain a card, only to have it promptly engulfed by the librarian's and pumped vigorously. Rei was caught by surprise and was shaken about slightly by the overeager movement. She found herself relieved a second later when her fingers were released. In one of her rare gestures of awkwardness, she leaned imperceptibly backwards and blushed faintly, though it was not very visible under her skin toner.

"You're going to have to work on that shake. It's a little weak there dear." Martha laughed heartily, one hand resting upon her plump stomach.

Rei blinked and leaned back slightly more, not quite sure what that meant, then threw a significant glance at the books. Catching it, Martha smiled her overly warm smile again.

"Oh yes, your library card, there's a simple form to fill out and you can be on your way. You're under eighteen, right? Yes, you look around fifteen. In that case I'll need your parent's signature as well. Is your mother or father out in the car?" The librarian leaned over and began to fish around in the recesses of the desk. A few seconds later she happily placed, or perhaps slammed, the necessary pen and form down in front of Rei. When her patron made no move to take them, she frowned again.

"What's wrong? You speak English, I assume you can read and write it. You seem foreign, are you from an Asian country? Japan? China? Well, I can explain everything for you, though I don't know how you can sign things. Maybe I can write it out for you. See, that here is where you put your name, that's where you write your address, that's where…" Rei shook her head, slightly at first, but as the woman continued her motion became more and more vigorous until the momentum caused her tousled bangs to bounce against her cheeks. When she finally realized the overly informative woman across from her had stopped speaking, she stopped and blinked a few times. Rei was surprised at the intensity of her own actions. Had the librarian's behavior agitated her that much? She was unable to contemplate them further as she quickly found that the librarian was leaning across the desk at her, waiting for an explanation with a rather annoyed look on her matronly face.

"My… father is not here." For a moment an image of a smiling Gendo Ikari flashed across her mind's eye, sending a mixture of warmth, sadness, and a sense of finality through her. She did not know where it came from, but it felt very close and important for some reason.

"Oh, you walked here? Well, hmmm… what to do, what to do… this is a pickle, isn't it?" Again, Rei found herself failing to understand what the woman was talking about with the strange metaphor, so she simply answered the first question with a slight nod.

"Oh, alright. Well, I don't want your trip to be a waste." Martha laughed softly, "I can overlook you getting a parental signature, as long as you promise to return all these books on time. You don't look like the kind of girl who would get something inappropriate or be late. Well, fill them out dear, if you need any help just let me know."

Again, Rei nodded slightly, then took the pen in hand and carefully filled in all of the required field. Martha simply smiled down at her, occasionally casting excited glances at the stack of books that the girl had selected. It had been a particularly dull day, and she was very eager to help someone out. When Rei finished, she pulled the library card that had been stuck to the form off of it and handed it to her. After quickly entering the necessary information into the computer, she nodded to herself and snatched the card from a surprised Rei's fingers. Taking the scanner in hand with practiced ease, she flicked the red light over the bar code on the card once. When the machine failed to make a satisfied ringing sound, Martha frowned and did it again, causing a high-pitched ping to sound from the computer.

"There we go, this thing's old and it doesn't always work right. We really need more money to improve our facilities, but that stupid county board of commissioners never has any money to spare. Of course, they had more than enough money to spare when the bridge Mike Reynolds uses to get home got washed out, and it just had to be replaced. He's one of the commissioners, you know. Oh well, I guess not having to take a detour is more important than having a decent library," Martha huffed, then continued in a high, indignant tone.

Rei stood there, quietly listening to the ramblings about the politics surrounding the library. She was not particularly interested, but she was held a captive audience by the older woman who was taking her time in checking out her books. When Martha seemed to have finished, she reached forward to take them, but the elderly librarian stopped her with a frown.

"Honey, there's a problem here." The tone of the busybody was filled with concern, and she looked down upon Rei with sad eyes as she pushed her glasses up on her nose with two fingers in a familiar gesture. Rei allowed herself a slight frown. She did not think she had violated any important area of policy, but it was always possible she had overlooked something.

"What kind of books are these? I understand school and all, but I don't think there're any reports are due. No other children have come into the library to prepare, and they always do, you know. These are all educational books, and while I'm all for expanding your mind, there's more to life than that. Why, I hardly remember what I learned back in school, but I still remember the first time I read…" The eyes that were concerned suddenly gleamed with a mixture of excitement and righteousness.

"I will sufficiently enjoy the books I have selected," Rei said in her normal soft tone, but there was just a hint of confusion in it. Was selecting these books at this time against regulations? Perhaps that would be the reason why they had not been used much, but that did not explain why they were on the shelves in the first place. This woman was behaving in a manner dissimilar to the manner of any other figure of authority she had seen. It was unpredictable and unprofessional, and it would not have been tolerated at Nerv. Perhaps the standards of this job were different, though she did not understand why. It was all very strange, but it reminded her of Major Katsuragi somehow. Her few encounters had shown the woman to be cold and professional, but somehow she could recall laughter and teasing from her from somewhere… before.

Martha happily ignored her victim.

"I know what to do! You can't check these books out unless you take some others! I did you a favor now you owe me one. Don't worry, you'll love these. You'll have to tell me if they have them in Japan or China or wherever you're from. If this is your first time reading them, you are in for a real treat missy. You're very lucky you know, they just got back. They were late, too. That darn Richard Emerson took them, and he's always late with books. No discipline I say, but his parents never listen. Still, he does have good taste, so I guess he can be forgiven a bit. Still, I had to keep nagging and nagging to get them back. Eventually I even had to threaten him with a fine. His old man wouldn't have liked that, they're barely making ends meet you know." She continued to ramble as she rummaged through a cart filled with books to be returned to the shelves.

"Aha! Here we go!" Martha shouted excitedly, and in a flurry of motion she scanned out three more books, though the machine failed to work several times, then slammed them on top of Rei's pile followed soon after by the library card. For a moment Rei considered protesting, but decided that it would be a much simpler course of action if she merely accepted the offerings without complaint and left. She had always found her life to be much more agreeable if conflict was avoided unless necessary, and something in the woman's manner told her there would be a great deal of arguing if she protested. She did not think it would be a violent one, but it might be time consuming considering how much the woman enjoyed discussing irrelevant information, and she wanted to get home in time to listen to the frogs.

As Rei passed out of the library into the dying sunlight, almost ethereal in the late afternoon hues, she happened to glance at the cover of the book on top of the pile; the first Martha had given her.

"The Fellowship of the Ring…" Rei silently read the title on the brightly drawn cover. It puzzled her.

It was good to be home. He had gotten up early to make breakfast for Asuka and Misato as well as to enjoy the only solitude he would get before his roommates awoke. Illuminated by lazy silver beams of light from the awakening sun he shuffled around in the cabinets and refrigerator for the materials he would need to prepare eggs and toast for himself, toast and a can of Yebisu for Misato, her miso soup and a little sake, and after a moments thought he decided on some sausage and eggs for Asuka. In one of her typical shows of initiative the red headed girl had gone out and purchased some German sausage from a store that specialized in imported food one afternoon. Later that day she had slammed the package down in front of him during dinner and demanded he fix it. Misato had laughed while Shinji had cringed slightly, having no trouble resisting the urge to tell her to fix her own damn food. There was no point in getting into a fight he'd lose anyways. Pen Pen was not forgotten, and several small herring thawed on a plate on the counter while the bird gazed up at them hungrily.

As the meat and egg combination sizzled, carefully attended by his watchful eye and spatula, he couldn't help but simply feel good about life. The angels were dying one by one, and even though he had been hurt, none of his friends had been killed. That was the important thing. His father had even complimented him after the most recent attack. It had been the most meaningful thing that happened since he had arrived, and even though he still didn't know if he hated the man or not, he couldn't deny that the words made him feel happy. He could be happy. He deserved a family. That was enough for him.

With practiced expertise he began to set up the meals in the order that his housemates would be arriving. The refrigerator opened with a blast of cool air and he looked inside. It was a considerable improvement from when he had first arrived. There were even a few vegetables inside, and nothing seemed to be alive still. He slid out the shelf containing Misato's impressive Yebisu beer horde, removed one of them, then set it down on the table. A few moments later two slices of carefully buttered toast followed on one of Misato's better plates; it was plastic rather than paper. While Misato was usually the last to get up, she rarely bothered taking a shower or cleaning up till after she had eaten, and therefore was the second to arrive. The sound of a door opening and muttered complaints in German announced Asuka's awakening, and even though he couldn't see her he knew she'd be trudging to the bathroom to begin her long process of preparing for the day. Her eggs and sausage remained in the skillet in spite of the tantalizing scent that emanated from it. He knew she hated it when her food got cold. Pen Pen's fish were placed in his bowl next, much to the bird's delight, and a ferocious assault upon them by the beaked animal immediately began. With all the other meals attended to, he took his own toast and eggs, sunny side up, and settled down to eat. The morning was his favorite time, when the only sounds were the shower running, the shuffling of Pen Pen's bowl, and the crunch when he ate his toast after dipping it in the sunny side up eggs he prepared. It allowed him to enjoy solitude without feeling alone or unwanted. It made him feel like part of a family.

Misato was the first to arrive, announcing it with a massive yawn and barely audible "Good morning". She was lazy, annoying, embarrassing, but most of all she was the closest thing Shinji had to a mother and confidante. Shinji returned her greeting, though it was doubtful that she heard him considering how she was already trudging towards the first beer of the morning with a focus that might have even impressed Rei. Sitting at the table and quietly eating his own toast, Shinji wondered how Toji and Kensuke would react if they saw her like this. Most likely they'd be drooling all over the place he thought with a mental laugh, she was barely dressed in a light blue cut-off top and shorts. Even in her frazzled state, she was still gorgeous, though Shinji had stopped thinking of her in a sexual manner soon after he had arrived. He still thought about girls, but Misato's dressing habits had made him much more resistant to the charms of a scantily clad female. His musings were cut short by a loud whooping sound and Misato slamming her first beer down on the table. This was followed shortly afterwards by Asuka shouting "shut up" from in the bathroom.

"That's the way to start your morning!" Misato said contently as she kicked back in her chair. Shinji resisted the urge to make a sarcastic comment. He had listened to her "traditional breakfast" lecture enough times. From the bathroom came more grumbling in German and what sounded like a few choice swear words regarding Shinji and Misato.

For a moment there was silence from the two at the table, then Misato suddenly laughed and threw her arms up. Shinji noted a decidedly predatory look in her brown eyes, which usually signified that he would be embarrassed shortly.

"Aaaaah, you remember when it was just you and me? Things were so much quieter then."

'Not much,' Shinji added mentally. He only nodded slightly, then began to edge back in his seat and wondered what tactic his commanding officer had come up with for today.

"Don't look so glum! Don't you enjoy making breakfast for two beautiful women?" Misato asked in a mock pitiful voice that had just a hint of flirting in it.

Oh, that one.

Misato stood up, grinning mischievously, then propped her knee up on the table and leaned over to give him an "affectionate" mussing of his hair. This of course this gave Shinji a more than ample view of Misato's cleavage, which of course caused him to blush, which of course caused Misato to grin and lean over more.

"Why! Most boys your age couldn't be happier!"

Well, she was right about Toji and Kensuke at least. He on the other hand was having a very difficult time looking away from her chest, especially since her hand, which was still causing hell on top of his head, also served to hold it in place. She had a strong grip, or maybe it was just that he had a weak neck… wait, out of the corner of his eye, what was that red…? Uh oh. It was then that Asuka decided to announce her entrance with a cheerful good morning to her favorite roommate.

"PERVERT!" The German girl roared while glaring down at him. One fist was shaking angrily while the other held up a green towel that wrapped around her figure. Of course she would blame it on him, even though Misato was holding his head in place. It was like the two were starting to tag team him.

"I've never been around a sicker, more twisted individual. You stupid pervert, just be glad I haven't caught you peeking at me at night yet!" Asuka continued to rant at the poor boy. Misato was kind enough to release his head and now was sitting back in her chair to enjoy the chaos. He wouldn't have been surprised if she had orchestrated the whole thing so that Asuka would walk in on them just then. He knew that Misato would most likely protect him from any physical harm, but in the mean time the red color had spread from his cheeks to his entire face and he was trying to become one with the back of his chair. It was time to try a diversion tactic.

"Um… uh… Asuka, your b-breakfast is ready," he stammered, looking around the kitchen in a panic like a trapped animal. This momentarily stopped the German girl, though she continued to glare at him for a moment before stalking over to the skillet where her eggs and sausage waited for her. She stood over it for a moment, frowning down, then poked at her food several times with one long index finger. Her expression looked like she had just found a very unpleasant dead animal.

"Idiot! It's cold!" The evasion tactic seemed to have failed. Never mind that she had been in the bathroom for half an hour, never mind that it was still probably hot and she just wanted to complain, never mind that when she made breakfast she often only gave him a single burnt piece of toast, if she gave him anything at all. Filled with righteous indignation, he said the only thing he could think of that would express his anger.

"S-Sorry!"

"ARRRRGGGG! Stupid idiot! You spent so much time ogling Misato you couldn't even keep my food warm!!"

"I'll reheat it if you like!" He said in a decidedly scared voice. Sounding frightened usually was the best way to disarm her.

"Never mind, I'll just eat it. Just stop looking at me, bad enough that you check out her all the time." The woman in question was still laughing. She was thoroughly enjoying her morning it would seem.

As Asuka put her food on a plate and sat down at the table next to Shinji, he took a moment to slump in despair. As he hung his head, he noticed that the yolk from his egg had run over the rest of his plate and thoroughly soaked his toast. Well, so much for a peaceful morning he thought as Misato crushed the now empty beer can and tossed it over the brown table in the approximate direction of the trash can. It bounced off the wall next to it and landed with a clang on the brown tile floor.

"Oh well, I'll get that later," the older woman chirped happily. Shinji added cleaning that and the resulting spill up to his list of chores for that day.

The three ate in silence for a while. At least Misato seemed to have gotten done with teasing him, though who knew what Asuka would try later. The damn girl did the most annoying things. She would wear that loose yellow tee shirt and short-shorts then would lie down on the floor in front of the TV while he was on the couch. Regardless of how he felt about her she was undeniably attractive and appealing to him in a way that Misato wasn't due to age. While he wasn't a pervert, well, at least as far as teenage males go, he was still a 14-year-old boy. Of course, he didn't have a chance in hell, but that didn't matter too much to his eyes, which seemed to gain a mind of their own at very bad moments. Unfortunately, his eyes would usually go from her feet, to her long legs, to her rear end, to her back, to her red hair, to two very angry blue eyes glaring back at him. She had the most uncanny ability to catch him. Maybe she thought it was fun, though the way she screamed at him certainly didn't make it seem that way. She would never move, though, preferring to yell at him again and again, occasionally going to far as to kick her foot back right into his shin. It wasn't really painful, though.

Right now, she seemed to have lapsed into one of her more quiet moods. He found himself staring at her profile, wondering what she was thinking. He didn't understand her, and he didn't think he ever would, but for now he was simply content to watch her as she ate. It was a strange moment. His instincts were screaming at him to turn away before she caught him and got very, very angry. The last thing he wanted was another blowup. His eyes however simply watched her cascade of red hair as it shifted with her movements. He could almost see the blue iris of one of her eyes, though her bangs cast a shadow across it. Then she turned.

'Uh oh…'

For a moment she simply returned his stare, the silence before the storm. She was unfathomable, her reactions unpredictable, and in her expressionless gaze he found a deeper fear than of just physical pain. It was the fear of another human being, of another human heart confronting his own. Her blue eyes, her hair, her pale digits which held her fork carrying piece of sausage only inches away from her slightly open mouth all seemed frozen like a statue. She seemed to be waiting for something, as did he. A signal for her to become angry and him to cower, a signal for him to apologize and turn away, something. None came though, although afterward they would never speak of it, the outside world had simply ceased to exist and for a moment their reality was just this confrontation. It was something far beyond what Shinji understood, what anyone could understand really. It was not the silence of lovers or of enemies, but of something far more alien than that. Reality played at the edge of his consciousness, and truth somewhere far from that. He felt the need to say something important, something that would end the ambiguity between them once and for all. No salvation came however, and in an instant it was over, and from some unspoken accord the two turned back to their meals, as though it had never happened at all.

"Ummm… heheh, I know you two are tired, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Ritsuko informed me last night that she had to schedule an emergency synch test today. Apparently, the last batch of data was outside of the expected values, probably due to the angel attack last week. Sorry guys, but we need to get a move on."

Shinji merely blinked a few times, then cast a nervous glance towards his roommate. Judging from the fact that her face was beginning to match her hair in color, an explosion was eminent.

"A synch test. We had one two days ago! Why I ought to… Bang! Clack! Clack! Bang!"

Shinji groggily opened his eyes to darkness. His entire body felt dead, and his mind was still in the quasi-delusional state that marks one who has just been very rudely awoken. Hadn't he just been in the kitchen? Where was he? What the hell was going on? His half formed thoughts were suddenly disrupted by another staccato series of clicks and bangs. Slowly, the rest of his body immobile from exhaustion or simply lack of will, he turned his head to the side and in the darkness saw a faint green rectangle with "26 --:--" displayed on it. It took him a few minutes to recognize his SDAT in the darkness, and without thinking he gradually slid one hand out from under his covers and placed the small plastic device back on the dresser from which it had fallen. Apparently, the headphones had become caught on one of the handles and it had simply swung there, occasionally bouncing against the one of the wooden drawers.

It was then he realized where he was, and it hit him with the force of a train. He wasn't back home, he wasn't with his family, he was cold and alone in an apartment that would never be a house to him. He was alone, he didn't have them back. Misato was dead, Asuka was in a coma, everyone was still… gone. They were all gone. It hurt, oh God it hurt. Why couldn't he just have nightmares? A thousand years in hell were preferable to a single glance at a heaven he could never be in again. With a choked gasp, he turned his head into his pillow and waited for the tears to come. The pillowcase already had a faint salty taste from the previous nights. But he couldn't cry, his mind wanted to but his body wouldn't let him. As he clenched his eyes, willing the pain to go away, a sudden image of his guardian and teacher filled his mind. A flash of a man with cold black eyes and a deep frown, his hand drawn back and fist clenched to land a blow. A posture he had seen a great deal of in the previous three weeks.

Unconsciously, Shinji winced. The feeling did not leave, but still the tears did not come. Instead he pulled the covers up over his head and wrapped himself in them as much as he could. He still did not feel protected though. Sleep did not come again that night to the shivering boy who tried to drive off the unending parade of memories with one hand while welcoming them with another. He feared them, yet they were all he had left of a better world.

Morning took far too long to arrive for Shinji. He had lain motionless, listening to the same songs on his SDAT over and over again to free himself from his demons. He had only moved, glancing around as one who had just woken, when the first lazy silver beams of light peered through his window, signaling a new day. It only served to remind him of his dream.

Shinji slowly took off his headphones and set his SDAT on the bedside dresser from which it had almost fallen the night before then slowly rose into a sitting position. He wrapped his arms around his legs and simply stared at the door across from him for a few moments. During the good times, he had loved the morning. It felt like a time of rebirth and renewal, and the simple act of living made him happy. It was a time to get ready, to make breakfast, to be teased. It was a good time. As things had gotten worse, he had become less and less welcoming of a new day. It was something to be feared, to be filled with loneliness and suffering. So he simply sat there, his sleep weary mind wishing it away, yet a deep part of him knowing that the day was unavoidable. He wished he could run away some place where he could enjoy the mornings again, but there was no place like that, so after a few moments he slid off his bed and made his way to the dresser.

Like a robot he put on some black trousers over the boxer shorts he had worn to bed. These were followed by a dark blue undershirt and white dress shirt. A belt came last, though he didn't bother to tuck his shirt in. The comb was left neglected in front of the mirror between the deodorant and his toiletries. In spite of his neglect of his appearance, he stood for a moment in front of the mirror, looking at the image that stared back at him in the scant light. Haunted dark blue eyes with heavy dark bags under them regarded him from a face that was far too pale. The only place with color was the slowly healing gash across his cheek that he had received from the Game a few days ago. His hair was badly mussed and tangled, and it seemed dead with the grease and filth that had built up. It had been at least a week since he had bothered to shower. His lips were pale as well, except for an almost black scab across the upper one. In his imagination, he could see the bruises on his arms and chest, now concealed by his shirt. He knew that he was far too thin as well since he had been skipping meals. It just didn't matter. If he had gone to school looking like that, he would have been forced to hold buckets in the hall, but now that there was no school there really was no point in caring about his appearance beyond the bare necessities.

Shinji turned away from the mirror and trudged across the white carpet to leave his room. He stood at the door for a moment, staring at it, barely breathing. He had disliked opening doors recently. The nightmare where he was in the elevator was becoming more and more common, and every time he opened one he wondered if he'd see a normal part of his house or a dark hallway leading to two massive doors where a cold voice would greet him. He was falling apart and losing what was left of his mind. Even someone completely devoted to a cause or a memory as Shinji was could only take so much. After a few moments, he slowly opened the door, his breathing growing more and more shallow with each passing inch. Instead of a long dark hall, he beheld an even stranger sight.

Down the short hall, decorated with framed pictures of pre-Second Impact Japan, Shinji saw his guardian sitting in a plush white leather chair. He did not see Shinji, though, instead, the dark haired man's attention was focused on his hand, or rather, from what Shinji could see as he spied on the man, his pinky ring. On his face was an expression that reminded Shinji of Asuka on the rare occasions when she let her emotional guards down. He looked sad, and there was something resembling longing in his eyes. His other hand was restless, occasionally propping his chin up, occasionally lightly touching at the golden surface of his ring. It had always seemed strange that such a man would have so simple a trinket, and it was even stranger that it would mean so much to him. He usually seemed to be nearly inhuman, but right now he looked almost vulnerable. Even as Shinji watched, his guardian's lips moved slightly and he hung his head for a moment, as though ashamed of something.

The boy felt fear then. What would happen if his guardian caught him looking? He would be angry, perhaps enraged, and even though SEELE needed him he was afraid of what he might do. Shinji had seen his guardian acting human before during the game and it was always a ploy, maybe this was a trap right now. Either way, he knew he couldn't trust him, so he quietly closed the door. He caught his breath for a few moments before deciding what to do. He hadn't realized it, but he had been holding his breath during the brief, single sided encounter. Then, Shinji coughed loudly and slid the door open, making as much noise as possible. He decided it would be considerably less dangerous if the man knew he was coming.

The door opened to reveal his guardian, looking utterly calm and composed with hands clasped staring back at Shinji with dark eyes. The two regarded each other for a moment before Shinji looked away and a cold smile graced the man's lips at the boy's forlorn expression. The teacher's smile quickly disappeared, though. Today was for things besides the game he thought to himself. There would be different forms of training, and, due to firm commands from SEELE, a small reward. Even though the boy was falling apart emotionally, he was slowly getting better at hiding it. During the Game, it had become harder and harder to actually make him cry. While tears would come eventually, usually the best his jibes and attacks could do was make Shinji whimper or emit a low moan. Sometimes, they completely failed to get a reaction out of him at all, and he wondered if the boy had simply stopped caring about some things. That could be bad; SEELE demanded someone with self-control, not apathy. There were also certain topics he had been expressly forbidden to mention during the game. When he had asked why, the only answer had from Keel Lorenz himself was that they were "going to be used for a later plan." The tone of voice had silenced any further questions. It was better not to offend, for he needed SEELE more than they needed him.

On the whole, however, it was obvious the boy's mental health was not improving, and, if anything, it was getting worse. While his normal forlorn expression was good enough for the game for now, it was not the mask that SEELE demanded he be able to wear. They needed someone who was cold and had confidence in himself, not someone dead to the world. It was his job to provide them with that person. It was a task that required the utmost care. The boy had to be strong but alone, cold and unemotional but completely loyal, sane and empty at the same time. From his extensive knowledge of the boy from the Section 2 reports, he knew that completely went against his personality. Shinji had always been overemotional and prone to depression, and the concept of relying on himself was almost foreign to him. In addition, it seemed his loyalties were to the dead and to his penance rather than SEELE. That would have to be changed.

"Sit down. There are a few matters I need to discuss with you." Shinji did not respond, but trudged to the sofa across from the man and sat, rather fell, onto it, never once making eye contact. After a few moments, his guardian continued, trying hard not to make his voice too cold or cruel.

"You will be happy to know we will not be playing the Game today." Shinji nodded slightly, though inside him he felt a wave of relief sweep through. He wasn't quite sure how to react to the man today. He wasn't being mean, and earlier he had seen him acting very much like a normal human being. He couldn't treat him like one, though, otherwise he might get hurt. Even if the kindness wasn't just to lure him into some sort of trap, it was still just to deceive him so he'd be more easy to use. It was something his father would have done. Still, he had agreed to be used by SEELE, hadn't he? The uncertainty confused him, so he decided it would be best just to remain quiet.

"This does not mean, however, that we are done with it, far from it. We will do it tomorrow and as long as it takes, but eventually you will learn to control yourself. You still fail often and disappoint us, but we have been seeing… improvement. You are doing better, though slowly, and you are well on your way to being prepared," he said in a calm voice. At the end though he added the slightest bit of warmth, taking it from his own memories of a happier time long passed. Shinji looked up, a bit of surprise breaking through his eyes, yet before a second had passed he let his head fall once again. It was obvious the boy did not trust him, the guardian thought. Good, he's learning. It would make the games harder, but like any craftsman it was pleasurable to see his work progressing well.

"As a result of your progress, we will begin several other parts of your training today as well. In addition, with the blessings of SEELE, I have been authorized to give you a small reward," the man smiled, though it was obviously very forced. Fortunately, Shinji was not looking up to see him.

"For your training today, we will practice some meditation and techniques to control and manipulate your inner emotions rather than the outward expression of them. We will also begin some very preliminary memory and planning exercises. Finally, we will begin looking at how to read other people's feelings, and even how to figure out what they're thinking from their involuntary actions. There are other aspects of your training, which we will begin later, but for now this is enough. These are all difficult subjects, but do your best and make sure you do not fail. If you give up, you will have failed us and you will have failed Misato, Rei, and everyone else you want back. They cannot forgive you if they're dead." In spite of the fact he was trying to be reassuring, he could not resist letting this last bit slip. Shinji rewarded him with a slight twitch and his hand clenched slightly, but he gave no other response. The man leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms in front of his chest, looking at the boy as he slumped down with his elbows resting heavily on his knees.

"If we finish in time, for your reward we can do anything you choose so long as it does not require too much time. I imagine we could even visit Asuka if you like, you haven't had the chance to see her since SEELE liberated Nerv, have you?"

"I-I… don't think I'm ready to," Shinji said after a moment's pause in a barely audible voice. "S-she w-wouldn't want me to."

"Hmmm… I think we'll begin speech training today as well. Few things reveal uncertainty as much as stuttering," the man said in a cold voice. He knew it was cruel to mock the boy, but he had been warm with him long enough.

"One final thing, you will begin to go back to school in three weeks, I will tell you more about that later. Clean up and be prepared in an hour. Your outward appearance reflects your inner readiness, and if you are not ready, you will be treated as such."

Shinji winced and nodded slightly again. He heard the leather chair the man was sitting on creak slightly as he stood up, followed by the soft sounds of his receding footsteps. A few moments later, he heard he door open and slam shut. His guardian was only there during lessons and when he had something to tell him, otherwise he was absent. It was as if the man genuinely couldn't stand being around him. Oh well, he couldn't blame him; he was weak and disgusting, while his guardian had control of himself. They were almost exact opposites. What about the things spoken of during their conversation? What would his new lessons be like? They didn't sound so bad, he was used to meditation from his time in the Eva. It wouldn't be hard to learn a new type; at least he could hope that was true. Even the speech thing sounded like something he could get over with fast. Oh but there was probably some catch, there always was. School was something he immediately decided he was not looking forward to, however. He never enjoyed dealing with new people, and after all his experiences how was he supposed to even try to talk with anyone. He had seen the face of death and had encountered horrors they would never experience. There was a chasm between him and others as deep and dark as the night sky. Still, why should he care? He didn't want friends anyways.

Though Shinji was not quite sure why he did it, he put the hour to good use. While he was still thin and pale, his hair was clean and his skin did not seem quite so unhealthy. Now the two sat on the plain, straight-backed chairs Shinji was familiar with, only this time the table between them had an object, or rather collection of objects on it. It was a board made up of what looked to be around 64 alternating black and white squares. At either end of the board were sets of pieces, one black and one white. The positioning of the small ones and their overall formation gave the impression of two armies facing each other. Shinji looked at it. He knew it was called chess, and he had seen Asuka playing it once or twice alone, but aside from that his mind was blank.

"Hmm… what a pleasant surprise, you don't smell." Shinji nodded slightly at his guardian's greeting. "In order for others to respect you, you must first show respect towards yourself. Don't neglect your appearance or your health again. I expect you to get something to eat after this lesson. Hunger makes it difficult to think and to learn, and I… dislike wasting my time."

"Now, this, as you can see, is a chessboard. We will not be going into depth, since learning all the nuances of the game can take a lifetime. Instead, it will serve as an example to start the lesson off with." Shinji looked up and tried to make eye contact with his guardian. It was a requirement during lessons to show he was paying attention, but even now his eyes would occasionally dart off to the side or his head would lower for a moment or two when the gaze from the man's black eyes became too much.

"The human mind is a very interesting thing. You see, often it will come up with an opinion or course of action then rationalize it later, rather than think things through before forming a plan. Perhaps this is some defect in the brain or our nature, but I tend to think of it as simple impatience. People who do this are easy to predict and even easier to manipulate, and as a result you must be trained against it. It is easy to say always think before you act, but much harder to actually make that course of action into a habit."

"Thus, we come to the example of chess. In it, pieces move in a variety of ways. They all have strengths, weaknesses, and values. Some can be easily sacrificed, such as the pawn." He placed his figure on the head of one of the small pieces that made up the front line. "While others should not be sacrificed except under the direst of circumstances." He placed his index finger on the queen for a moment, then regarded Shinji in silence until the boy nodded slightly to show he was paying attention. "The ultimate goal is always to protect the king."

"Before each move, a good chess player will not only consider the immediate results of the move, but look far, far into future possibilities to consider how that single move will affect his game as a whole. He will do the same when examining his opponent's moves. Chess is a game of pure thought; the person who guesses and plans best will win."

"A single move will affect the outcome and manner in which the entire game is played. To use an example, if the first piece moved is the pawn in front of the queen, the game will often focus more on strategy, that is, the positions of pieces. If the first piece moved is the pawn in front of the king, the game will often focus more on tactics, that is, what pieces you have. The person who moves first has an immediate advantage because they get to decide what type of game will be played.

"Even within those, there are two different kinds of plans. The first is the more obvious and blatant method. You move your pieces into position for an attack." Dark, chiseled hands immediately manipulated several of the pieces on both sides, and before long the white bishop and queen were threatening the pawn in front of the kingside bishop. One move from black, and one move from white, and the black king was in checkmate.

"These are obvious and easily avoided, but they do get your opponent's attention. The other kind of plan is one that does not focus on a obvious strategy."

The chessboard was quickly set back up in the starting configuration, and once again the man began to manipulate pieces on both sides, all the while speaking to Shinji. On the board a war was waging. Pieces were taken, and positions were gained and lost as the two sides brutally fought. There seemed to be no clear plan to the boy, just momentary gain and loss. Several of the white pieces even seemed to have been moved into various positions for no apparent reason.

"It does not focus so much on what is obviously moving about, but on what does not move. The piece which serves no apparent purpose can have a hidden one."

Suddenly, he moved a white castle, which had been still for a good ten turns, in an apparently foolish trade to take a pawn. Black took the rook with another pawn, but this opened up a hole in the defense that white immediately and brutally exploited with the other rook. Even Shinji could see black had lost the game as the king's defenders were sacrificed one by one to stop the white onslaught.

"The subtle methods tend to be much more effective, but there are places for both, especially when the two are combined. Often, a diversion will allow you to promote a far more important hidden agenda. The goal of these lessons will be to teach you to turn the pieces of chess into men, resources, and goals." Shinji seemed to lean back at these final words, and a flash of anger shot through eyes that a moment before had been desolate.

"Does this remind you of your father? Does that offend you? Foolish child, he was a stronger man than you ever will be who learned the necessities of life long before you were born. Even though he was SEELE's enemy, I admire him as much as I pity you. You seem to be under the illusion that being kind and merciful to others is a good thing, that others will treat you the same as you treat them. They won't. You'll be used, manipulated, and cast away all over again. You'll become one of these." One of the hands that had a moment before played a game of chess now picked up a pawn between its index finger and thumb and tossed it into Shinji's lap.

"You're either strong or weak. You may think that you'll be able to live with yourself if you're meek and take what life gives you, but you won't. You'll still be selfish and petty. You can't even say you're a good person now, and you would pay to not be like your father with all of humanity. Tell me, would you rather have Asuka spend the rest of her life in bed just so that when you die, hated and alone, you can say, 'I may be responsible for thousands of deaths, and I could have been a savior to all of humanity but instead I decided to neglect my duty, but at least I didn't turn out like my father.' If that's the case, end your pathetic life now and save the world the trouble. Decide and stop wasting my time." For a moment, there was silence, then with a practiced ease the man reached into the depths of his sports jacket and drew out a professional looking handgun and set it down in the middle of the chessboard so that the barrel was facing Shinji. There was no serial number on it.

Shinji simply stared down at the gun, his dark blue eyes growing wide with surprise. What could he do here? How could he react? He could end it all right now and forget everything, return to nothing. There would be no more suffering, or hate, or pain, just comfortable oblivion. How often had he thought about this in the early hours of the morning after his nightmares were over? If he went on living, he would have nights filled with horror and days filled with pain. He would become a monster, inhuman, cold. His right hand lifted itself and began to edge towards the gun. But… what if… what had made him say yes to SEELE? What words from Misato had momentarily brought him out of his despair and made him pilot in the end? The promise of salvation, of hope, of redemption? SEELE-1 said he could have all of that.

Maybe he wouldn't have to be a monster forever, maybe he was a monster already that could be human again. His nightmares could be driven out by having his loved ones back. Wouldn't that be worth living for? Kaoru said once that humans need the future, "it is what they live for." Perhaps a dream was his future, and that alone would be worth living for. His first confrontation with the real possibility, or perhaps opportunity for death was making him think in ways that were never possible before. Hope had been a completely foreign thing for him the last few months, but slight glimmers of it were filling him again. He didn't know how he would endure all the suffering, loneliness, and seeing himself become a monster day by day, but as long as he had a future, he would live. A faint memory of his mother, long hidden and shrouded in denial and dream, came back to him then. Her soft words echoed in his soul in a sweet, laughing voice: "as long as you're alive, anywhere can be heaven." Shinji slowly retracted his hand and placed it back on his knee, then lifted his head slowly, painfully, and met his teacher's gaze. The teacher did not say it, and in his loathing of the boy never would, but for the shortest of moments before the boy let his gaze drop once again he saw a hint of inner strength in the boy that gave him hope for his own future as well.

"So you'll do it then?" It was a rhetorical question.

"Yes…"

The decision had finally been made.

"Did I mean it when I said I hated all of them?" Asuka was the first to break the comfortable silence between her and her mother. She did not know how long they had been together, or even where they were. The places kept changing and time did not matter. It was like a dream that seemed to go quickly, but when she tried, her memories of it seemed to stretch backwards forever. It was ambiguous, but for once Asuka did not mind not knowing.

The two were laying on their backs with their heads close in a rough V shape, staring up at a cloudless sky filled with stars that were both alien and beautiful. The entire northern horizon was dominated by a massive spiral galaxy that shined as brightly as the moon and the two had been regarding it quietly until then. The rest of the sky was filled with stars of a million colors, red, gold, blue, white, fiery points in the heavens broken by streaks of nebula and bright clusters. It was a frightening somehow, but also compelling.

"Hmmm?" Kyoko turned her head and regarded her daughter in the darkness; behind the silhouette of her face and hair she could make out a plain covered in short, dark grass that ended in a seemingly endless ocean. Barely rising over the top of the fjords she could barely see the splashes of the waves as they beat themselves tirelessly against the cliff. The ocean itself seemed to shine just as brightly as the sky above with the reflection of the stars and the whitecaps of the massive waves that paraded over it. To a ship it would have been a terrible and deadly environment, but the salty smell of the sea, which the cool breezes from it carried, made their world soothing and strange at the same time.

"Did I hate them back then? Do I still hate them?" Asuka repeated quietly. Things had grown comfortable between the two. Here in her mind, with her mother, she had nothing to prove. There was no one who would better her, who could out pilot her, who would leave her broken and alone. There was only her mother who would always pay attention to her and love her unconditionally, so she was free to be the hurt and tired child she was for the first time in her life.

"Do you mean Shinji?"

"I'd rather not talk about him," Asuka said in a voice that carried a hint of firmness that brooked no argument.

"I understand. Who then?"

"Misato I guess…" Asuka frowned slightly in thought then laughed quietly to herself. It was a sad laugh, but a laugh just the same. She was a girl who never giggled. "Lavender perfume…"

Kyoko nodded a bit and smiled softly.

"She treated you like a child when you wanted to be treated like an adult."

Asuka looked back towards the massive, shining galaxy and nodded again. One of her hands came up and rested at the center of her stomach. She was no longer in her plug suit, instead, she was wearing her yellow sundress as well as her neural transmitters, which were placed firmly in her hair. She had always preferred that look, it just felt like her.

"Yes, but it was more than that. She made others treat me like a child."

"Weren't you a child, though? That's nothing to be ashamed of, it's a natural part of life."

"I stopped being a child a long time ago, at least I thought I did. I went to college, I risked my life to pilot Eva. I stopped crying. I gave up the chance to be like other children and all I wanted in return was to be respected, to be treated like an equal. I couldn't even have that," Asuka said bitterly. After finishing she glared straight ahead for a moment, then lifted one fist and slammed it down against the ground, sending a brief shock of pain through her arm in spite of the soft grass.

"It didn't feel like you were being treated like an equal, though, did it? Even in college where you were admired, you still felt like you were treated as a child, an unusual one but a child none the less," Kyoko said as she nodded slightly in understanding.

"Misato just emphasized that. Before her, I had lived alone since I was nine. Kaji would check in on me occasionally, but I spent most of my time by myself. I didn't want to be with my father or his new wife, and they didn't want me either. Once I moved in with Misato, everything changed. Suddenly I wasn't free anymore, she gave me chores, and she would tell me what to do. I knew how to take care of myself, I didn't need her or anyone else." Asuka continued to glower, then sighed and rolled over on her side so she was facing away from her mother.

"Yes, but you were happy, weren't you? It felt good to be cared for by others, even if you thought it made you less of a person. It felt like something that had a chance at having back something you lost."

Asuka didn't reply for a moment, so Kyoko reached out and gently put her hand on her shoulder, giving it a small squeeze. For a while, the only sound was the distant roar of the waves and the soft whispers of the wind. Above them, the constellations and galaxies continued their endless dance in the sky, though day gave no sign of coming. Perhaps on this alien planet day never came, instead there was merely the movement of the stars.

"But I knew it wouldn't last, and it didn't. I knew I couldn't trust them, and I was right."

"Yes… but you can't deny that for a brief time, you felt as though you belonged somewhere. You could've opened yourself up and let Misato be the mother to you that she became for Shinji."

"That would be letting someone take your place, though…"

"I wouldn't feel ill will towards you or her for that, I love you too much."

"But she took Kaji from me…" Asuka's voice held just a hint of desperation as though she was trying to avoid something.

"Kaji let himself be taken. You were a daughter and a friend to him, but he didn't love you in that way. To you he was a crush, someone by whom pursuing you could prove yourself an adult and be safe at the same time." Kyoko tried to sound as soothing as possible, but she could feel Asuka's muscles tense under her hand.

"Misato used me!"

"You wanted to pilot Eva, it was your life. She may have had her own goals, but she wanted to protect you as well. She tried her best, but she had a duty, as did you." She could feel Asuka shivering the slightest bit now, and she tried to be comforting even as she forced the girl to confront herself.

"She threw me away!"

"That was your perception. At the end, things were falling apart for everyone; she could barely hold herself together. You leaving was the true end of the family."

"None of them wanted me…"

"They accepted you and cared for you. You remember the time at the hot springs, don't you? That was the closest you were able to get to someone in a long time."

Asuka seemed to pause, hearing the empathy and understanding in her mother's voice disarmed her defensiveness before it was able to start, but she was still unsure of how to react. The things she was saying, they were said in a loving tone but they still made her feel uncomfortable. Things that she didn't want to know about herself were being revealed. Her defenses weren't being torn through, but gently pushed aside instead. No one had ever treated her like this. Her muscles tensed even more for a little while, then she slumped against the ground, letting the cool grass press against her cheek.

"You were afraid…"

"Only children are afraid!" Asuka's said in a struggling voice somewhere between a whimper and a roar.

"No… adults are too. The real difference between an adult and a child is that the adult can admit what they feel and know that it's not a shortcoming to be human."

Again, there was silence

"Then why am I here? It seems so strange, like a dream, yet I feel better here than I did before. It's comforting."

"You are here to become an adult, and you feel good because you're finally discovering yourself."

The two women went back to regarding the ocean of stars above them, but now Asuka had a small, thoughtful smile on her face that had only shown itself once or twice in the world of the awake.

After a grueling day of lessons, Shinji had been asked by his guardian what he wanted to do for a reward. He had briefly considered asking to go to Tokyo-3 to visit Misato's apartment, or maybe try to find Pen Pen, but something made him decide against it. Instead, he had meekly requested to get some new tapes for his SDAT and some batteries. His guardian hadn't said anything, instead he had nodded slightly and turned, gesturing Shinji to follow with one hand.

Shinji was staring out the window of the car. They were passing through the business district, and the streets were crowded with people enjoying the weekend. Bikers carefully weaved their way through the crowds, and the people wore an eclectic mixture ranging from business suits to far more casual outfits. Once, they passed a group of schoolgirls in pale blue/green jumpers and white dress shirts gathered around a tree. They were gossiping and laughing, and Shinji could almost imagine he saw Rei just outside the group, silent and watchful as she always was. Still, he knew better, she was gone. It was strange; he didn't know how to treat her in his thoughts. Logic told him she was someone else, but she seemed so similar aside from her memories. He was scared of her, because she was something indefinable and strange.

The windows of the shops were filled with bright neon signs that illuminated the streets with strange colors as much as the tall lamps that were spaced every couple feet. Between the buildings poked the dying red orange light of the sun as it took its final, weary steps towards its resting place. The city seemed alive with humanity, dancing and mysterious in the scarce natural light and ocean of artificial. It was all so strangely beautiful. Even the other cars as they honked and maneuvered themselves to get a better spot in traffic shimmered and shined as the light threw itself across their metal bodies.

Still, Shinji felt disconnected from all of it, like he was merely an observer of a dance he could not understand. This feeling of being disconnected from the world was only added to by the silence and lack of smells. The windows had been rolled up the entire trip, and even the faint humming of the air conditioner was louder than the muted honks of cars and the voices of the pedestrians. For a moment, Shinji was ready to ask his teacher where they were going just to break the silence, but when he turned his head away from the window to voice his question the completely expressionless yet somehow menacing profile of the man as he drove reminded Shinji of his speech lesson or rather, the consequences if he forgot it. It had been the shortest of the lessons and it had been concluded entirely on that day. It had been explained to him that he stuttered because he was nervous and uncertain about what to say. As a result, when he began to speak, he inevitably stuttered as he thought of other words to use and tried to decide what to say next. As his guardian had phrased it, he was "an introvert, but an extremely poor one." Thus, he had been told to decide upon everything that he would say beforehand. It would take a long time and make conversations awkward at first, but gradually it would become habit and much easier. For additional motivation, he had been told that for every time he stuttered, the Game would last ten minutes longer next time it was played. He took several moments to decide upon the least offensive way he could phrase his question.

"Where are we going?" He said slowly and quietly, being careful not to make any mistakes.

"There is a small electronics store I know of near here that should have a reasonable selection. In fact, I believe that's it right over there," the man made a rough gesture in the direction of what appeared at first glance to be just another brightly lit store, but at closer glance the names of many popular brands of SDAT players and several major music labels were brightly displayed on the windows in addition to several dozen manufacturers of everything from camcorders to electronic planners. At first Shinji thought they were going to pass it, but in a gesture that would have impressed Misato his guardian turned the wheel of his car violently and cut across two lanes of traffic and parallel parked flawlessly in front of the business. Strangely however, Shinji felt relaxed, perhaps by the confident and smooth manner in which it had been done, or perhaps because he didn't care if they got hit. What shocked him however was what immediately came afterwards. His guardian was looking off away from Shinji at the passing clouds, and Shinji could just make out the reflection of the melancholy smile on his face in the driver's side window.

He seemed distant yet sad, as he had been earlier in the living room. His eyes were haunted as they stared out the window at something only he could see. A second later he turned rapidly and looked at Shinji. At first he seemed slightly surprised, but then an anger overtook his features that made Shinji cower against the doorframe in fear of being hit. This replaced so rapidly by his normal chilling expression that the boy wondered if he had seen his teacher looking reminiscent or angry at all. Only his memories from earlier that day supported the view that he could act human at all.

"Get out. My time is valuable, and I do not enjoy wasting it here." The voice was cold. Shinji nodded, then quickly looked away and made his way out of the car. The man remained sitting just a moment longer.

Author's notes: Again, not much to say. Ch4 should be up soon, and this entire book should come to around 8 chapters. I'd like to thank my pre-readers, though. Ghola, who's working on his own story, The Sins of the Fathers, which I highly recommend. Laval was a big help as always, and I'd also like to thank Nekobus and Tchernobyl for helping me a great deal with ideas. Hope you enjoyed it.