Chapter 4: For the Best...

Almost four months had passed since Fergun first started spreading the rumours. Dannyl felt he had learned to cope rather admirably with the hostility. Most of his classmates, and indeed the other novices, rarely bothered provoking him anymore with snide remarks, since Dannyl had begun to ignore them completely. Only Fergun continued to make regular taunting comments and call him humiliating names. But Dannyl was no longer wounded by his words. He was determined to no longer be hurt by the depraved words or opinions of others. He didn't need to care about anyone but himself.

A few of the teachers had taken a firm dislike towards Dannyl ever since hearing the rumours of his unnatural attractions. Some turned a blind eye to Fergun's malicious jeering, or perhaps only told him to stay quiet, not punishing him at all for his horrendous treatment of a fellow student. Dannyl suspected that some magicians (he hoped not all of them, but he wasn't certain) believed that he deserved this abuse, if only to encourage him to disregard any perverse inclinations he had. Although there were a small number of teachers who seemed to treat him just like any other novice. Lord Rothen, the chemistry teacher, was always kindly to him, and had told him not to hesitate to come to him if he had any worries about anything. Dannyl was deeply touched by this gesture, although he could never talk to anyone, not even Rothen, about his problems. But Lord Rothen's friendliness made Dannyl feel incredibly ashamed of his recent poor marks in chemistry. Indeed, in most subjects he was doing dismally. He had gone from one of the top students in his year, to almost the worst.

Dannyl was fully aware of why his grades had fallen. After the gossip began, he had started experimenting with his magic. He discovered that he could control his emotions to some extent. This became evident one evening after he was burning with frustration about a filthy retort Fergun had whispered about Delvin. Dannyl found that he could use his magic to ease his anger a bit. He began using this technique to suppress his rage whenever confronted by another novice. And lately, he used it whenever he felt a pang of longing for his dear Delvin. But this new habit had significantly negative outcomes. Dannyl tended to over-use it, leaving him feeling perpetually emotionally numb. He lost all interest in his studies and learning, something which previously had been keenly important to him. So he would sit listlessly in class, staring emptily at his desk or the wall, only taking in a small amount of what the teacher was saying. Dannyl wasn't even perturbed anymore that he had no friends- his suppressed feelings ensured he didn't feel the need for people who understood or cared for him.

When his end-of-first-year exams were only a month away, Dannyl became engulfed by utter panic. He had done barely any work since spring, and his recent class tests indicated that he would be hard-pressed to pass the summer exams. Dannyl was infuriated with himself for growing so careless, and for resorting to using magic to deal with his emotions all the time. Now he was paying the price for it. He could easily fail every single exam. The Higher Magicians might take this as a sign that he didn't deserve the honour of a place at the Guild, and use his atrocious results as an excuse to expel him. This notion terrified Dannyl- his only ambition was to become a full magician. And now he may have ruined everything by letting himself get into a state over some distorted rumours. Dannyl had to make an effort not to waste precious time giving into bouts of self-pity, or self-hatred. He needed to focus all his energy on passing these exams, despite how overwhelming this prospect appeared.

Dannyl's sudden distress must have been obvious to Lord Rothen, as he took him aside after class one afternoon. He was so concerned and caring, Dannyl felt it an unbelievable relief to express his distress about failing his exams. He had to fight off tears spilling down his cheeks as he spoke aloud about some of his worries for the first time. But Rothen was genuinely sympathetic. Dannyl realised that he hadn't allowed himself to open up to another person since Delvin. However, he quickly smothered this intense yearning for the older novice with magic. Rothen offered to personally assist with Dannyl's study, much to Dannyl's amazement. He could hardly believe there was someone who was not repulsed, or at the very least wary, of him. He gratefully accepted Lord Rothen's proposal.

During the last few weeks, Rothen met Dannyl every evening in the novice's library. He made out a study plan for him, and emphasised the more important aspects and topics of each subject. He explained concepts and diagrams to Dannyl when he couldn't make sense of them from the textbook. He somehow managed to find ways to make long lists and definitions easier to learn off by heart. He even helped Dannyl to break down any long and complex pieces of information, so they didn't seem quite so daunting anymore. Lord Rothen was strict about how much Dannyl needed to cover each day, but Dannyl was thankful for this. After two weeks he was astonished at how much he had managed to revise.

Rothen was extremely encouraging, and never once put Dannyl down. Whenever he became disheartened, Rothen would point out how well he had been doing before spring, and how all that hard work would pay off. But for now he needed to focus on class work from the previous four months. Given that most of the summer exams would examine each subject from the work since the start of first year, Rothen fully believed that Dannyl could pass them, so long as he put in enough effort in the last few weeks.

Through all this time, Rothen never once mentioned or questioned Dannyl about the rumours. Dannyl felt extreme gratitude to the magician for this. He knew that what others were saying about him didn't bother Rothen. Dannyl no longer felt ashamed or embarrassed while talking to the magician. He was able to forget about his alleged unnatural inclinations and the cruel opinions of others. He managed once again to absorb himself in his studies, and his interest in learning returned.

Under Lord Rothen's influence, Dannyl stopped pitying or loathing himself so severely, without having to resort to magically suppressing his emotions. Although, Dannyl continued to banish any stray yearnings for Delvin. Perhaps in time he would learn to be attracted to what was right and acceptable. In the meantime, it was better to desire nothing than to desire what was wrong.