Sora called me down once the three of them returned from their little outing. I had been lying on my back for a while, thinking of my discovery earlier that day, and it was with great reluctance I dragged my feet down the stairs to the living room.
"Roxas," he said, his face bright, "Kairi's had a brilliant idea and I thought you might want to hear it."
Oh boy. Whenever anyone said those words to me, I always got a creeping sensation of dread. A brilliant idea from an adult could be anything from volunteering at the local soup kitchen to performing an extra hour of study each night. Never anything good.
Kairi smiled at me as I sat down, but there was an element of weariness to her face I hadn't noticed before. Riku just sat back and started cleaning his nails with a toothpick. Why he was even there, I don't know. He always seemed to be a third wheel for Sora and Kairi, and it annoyed me to no end. After the initial first glance I made a point out of not looking at him. Yeah, I'm passive-aggressive. Arrest me.
"You know about the place where I work, right? Graylands?" Kairi balanced her elbow on the table and studied me.
"Of course," I replied. Okay, maybe I did have a tendency to forget things, but not when it comes to people I actually like.
"Well, lately we've been a bit short-handed. Not in doctors—that's fine. But the government's cut our funding several times over the past few years, and the…reputation, I guess, of Graylands has become a bit…notorious. So we've been having real problems recruiting enough nurses and aides to service the patients." She glanced at me, gauging my reaction.
I was still trying to see the point. "Um…you want me to be a nurse? Don't you have to get, I don't know, training for that?"
"Oh, no, not a nurse. You're way too young. Hospital volunteers do stuff like push the trolleys, hand out meals, assist in activities, that sort of thing. But I also think you could be a real asset in our adolescent ward. That's where we're struggling the most. It's really hard to connect with those kids, because a lot of them have been raised practically from birth to be suspicious of adults, especially shrinks. So I think having you on hand might go a long way."
At first, I just felt afraid. Was this Sora's subtle way of dropping me into the mental asylum? Did he want to get rid of me? He was nineteen. Nobody in the twenty-first century should have to suddenly become a sole parent at nineteen.
Then I became angry, because it occurred to me that maybe it was the opposite direction. Maybe this was all some sort of trap to convince me to get counselling. Kairi's been dying to psychoanalyse me since Xion's death, when all I ever wanted to do was just go home and move on.
Sora must have seen something in my eyes, because he leaned forward earnestly. "It could be a great opportunity for you, Rox. Hospital volunteering looks really good on a resume or a reference."
Kairi added the final blow. "And it would really help me out. Help everyone out."
Well, come on, what can you say to that without sounding like an absolutely horrible person? I might as well just announce my desire to start a Puppy Punching club while I was at it.
"All right," I mumbled. "I'll give it a shot. When do I start?"
Kairi smiled in relief. "You know how to get the bus to Graylands, don't you? Meet me at the reception counter by four thirty and I can show you around the place, tell you what sort of stuff you'll be doing. It'll only take about an hour or so."
"Will I have to go every day? I mean, I have study and homework and all that." I deliberately ignored Riku's snort. Okay, yeah, I may not have been the most dedicated of students in the past, but still. At least I try to hide my contempt for people.
"Of course not! It's called volunteering for a reason, Roxas. Nobody's going to force you to go when you don't want to. You'll be given a roster, and if you can't make for any particular reason, just call me beforehand and let me know. Okay?"
"Sure," I said, and both she and Sora grinned.
"See you tomorrow, then, kid." Kairi stood up, kissed Sora on the cheek, and gently tapped Riku's shoulder, who finally looked up from that disgusting toothpick. Sora walked them both to the door, before returning with a sigh.
"It is a good opportunity for you, Rox," he said, hesitantly.
"I know," I replied without looking up at him. "But why do you really want me to do it? What's your angle?"
For a moment he looked hurt. Then he said:
"Look, Rox, I'm not going to pretend I haven't been worried. You 've spent the last few months hiding in your room or sneaking out to the cemetery, and nothing in between. It's not…It isn't healthy. I talked to Kairi and she said that you just needed time, but it's been months now and all you've done is retreat deeper into your little shell. You won't talk to me, or your friends…" He ran his hand through his hair. "You don't have to do this if you really hate it. But just give it a go, all right?"
"Sora," I said, feeling my face grow hot, "I don't hate the idea. I just…I'm getting better. Slowly. In my own time."
"And I won't push you. But…chalk it down to a brother thing, okay? It'll make me feel better."
I nodded. "But if I have to clean up other people's shit or give them injections, I'm out. Yes?"
"Ugh. Yes."
"And I'm not playing amateur dime-store psychologist, either. I'm not going to pretend to understand why the kid with ADHD wants to chase his mum around the house with a knife. And I'm sure as hell not going to fall in love with any of the patients, either. This isn't The Fault in Our Stars."
I hated that book. Sora gave it to me, alongside a stack of other books, to help me "cope." I don't know why I hated it. Everyone else I've ever met loves it, but I didn't like it. Then again, I've never been able to appreciate books who try and find wisdom and philosophy in death. There is no wisdom or philosophy in death. It's death. Nothing more needs to be said about it. There are no two deaths that are exactly the same, so why bother to try and pretend that it is? Some people die quickly, before they even know what hit them. Some people die slowly, until in the end there's just so little left that they can't even shit without someone to help them. And some people have deaths that aren't slow, but aren't quick enough. They die alone, in agony, knowing that all their worst nightmares have come true, far away from all the people who might save them. There's no adorable little cancer patients in their stories, no-one who loves them for their soul despite the oncoming doom, no magical charity who appears to whisk them away to Disneyland and to see all the Wonders of the World so they can die in peace. Where's the philosophy and wisdom for them? I can't respect anyone who announces that they are prepared to face their death with dignity. Fuck dignity. Death is not a thing that should be treated as a friend, or a guardian, or a way out, or anything. Death should be raged against, fought with every fibre of your being. Death is the enemy. Death takes you away from everyone that's ever loved you and gives nothing back save the odd drowning victim. Who the fuck would want to romanticise an evil bastard like that? People should live their lives in greater awareness of the fact that every second of your life is one that hundreds of millions of people across the universe didn't get to experience. Even a long, slow death from cancer is infinitely more preferable than being murdered by someone you loved and trusted.
I dragged my thoughts back to the current conversation in time to hear Sora's laugh.
"Kairi won't make you do anything you don't feel comfortable doing," he rebuked gently. He stood up. "Dinner will be in a couple of hours."
Nodding, I went back to my room, and began my homework.
The next day was a bit easier than the first, now that the novelty of my return had worn off. All three of my friends met me at the same time.
"Hey, Rash," I told her. "Nice to see you back under the thumb of the establishment."
Rash twinkled her fingers at me. "Well, you were so disappointed that I wasn't there for your first day back. I decided that the next-best thing would be if I was there for your second day back." Without another word, she sat down on the bench and popped her earphones in.
Namine stepped in to cover up the brief silence. "My sister tells me you're going to be helping out in her hospital. Is that right?"
Axel's eyes widened in mockery. "Nurse Roxas? Seriously?" I picked up a clump of earth off the ground and threw it at his hair. He squawked and ducked to avoid it. Axel's hair is serious business.
"Seriously," I confirmed. "I start this afternoon. And I'm not a nurse. I'm just a volunteer aide."
"Will you be cleaning up vomit and shit, though?" Axel had actually pulled a tiny comb out of his school bag and was running it through the spikes in his hair to catch every last grain of soil. "I wouldn't do anything like that unless someone was paying me big time."
"You know, Axel, people would think you were a lot more masculine if you didn't do things like comb your hair in public," Arashi said, watching him. Axel shot a glare at her that she ignored, turning to focus on me instead.
"I think it sounds like fun. You might make a new best friend. Or maybe you'd be someone else's best friend. Like in that movie."
"Anyway," Namine said with a hint of irritation, "I think it's a brilliant idea. It could help you a lot, Roxas, hanging around kids with similar—" Axel suddenly stepped on her foot, reasonably hard. "Sorry," he said without any inflection of remorse whatsoever.
I wasn't sure whether to shake my head or roll my eyes, so I decided to just ignore it. "Yeah, thanks for the support."
"I've been to Greylands Hospital," Arashi said conversationally.
"So have I," Axel grunted, leaning back on the bench. "Pretty grim place. My very first shrink was there—I think I was like eight. Then that crazy guy with the knife ran around and killed three doctors. No more public sector shrinks for me, then."
"I was ten. The government said my mum wasn't fit to look me, but I wouldn't let them take me from her, so they sedated me and took me to Greylands. They specialize in children and adolescents, apparently. I stayed there for a month until Mum cleaned up her house."
None of us had any idea of how to respond to that little revelation, so it was perhaps just as well that the bell rang when it did. We all had different classes on Tuesday morning so there wasn't any opportunities for us to continue speaking.
My lessons were about as normal as I could probably have hoped for—most of the teachers were surprisingly okay with my sudden desire to get better grades. I mean, none of them mocked me or told me I couldn't do it. Most of them just handed me old textbooks or gave me links to websites that went over previous units. My Chemistry teacher offered to get me a tutor, but I turned that down, Arashi's words about me being a financial burden on Sora ringing in my ears. Hey, at least I could say to him that I couldn't do it because I was planning on volunteering at a hospital. He looked pretty impressed by that.
Lunchtime arrived. Axel was in detention for some misdemeanour or another and Namine had a Student Council meeting, so it was just me and Arashi. She fixed her disconcerting stare on me.
"Did you find out anything more about being invisible, Roxas?"
I gaped at her. She shrugged.
"I just figured that's why you were asking me about it."
After a few seconds I recovered. "Uh. No."
"So how does it work? Did you find an invisibility cloak, like in Harry Potter? Or was it a ring?"
"N-No. No. I just…went to the library yesterday…and found out I could do it." I wrung my hands slightly. "I think I probably imagined it."
She tipped her head sideways. "That would mean you're going crazy. Which, I suppose, isn't an unreasonable hypothesis." Standing up, Arashi offered a hand to me. "Why don't we go and test it out? I really want to know if I could become invisible, too."
"Why, so you could steal all the candy in the world?" I asked, reluctant to follow her. I didn't want to make a fool of myself in front of Arashi, who would probably tell anyone who asked. On the other hand…if I really could become invisible…
"No. Because then no-one could notice me." She pulled me to my feet and set off towards the library determinedly, her cheeks slightly red. I frowned. I had always thought of Arashi as someone who liked the spotlight, being the centre of attention. She certainly wasn't shy about anything.
The librarian apparently knew Arashi well, because I didn't get any shocked looks this time. I walked over to the shelves I'd been in yesterday and found the dark space. There was no-one in the aisles either side of us, and I thought briefly of Selphie. Her sadness seemed almost perceptible, as though her tears had stained the air in the library.
"So what did you do?" Arashi spoke out from behind me.
"I just…looked into this gap for a while, and I sort of…calmed down."
"Like meditating?" Arashi said thoughtfully. "Try it and see."
I took a deep breath and let it go, feeling my heartbeat steady. I remembered the feeling of looking, of trying to find something that didn't belong to anyone. My eyes scanned the darkness and I waited. And waited.
About five minutes later I glanced hopefully at Arashi, who shook her head. "Still visible. Sorry."
I sighed in half relief, half disappointment. "Sorry to waste your time."
"You didn't. Just because it hasn't worked this time doesn't mean it won't again. You just need to find the right variables." Now she sounded like Stocoletti.
"…The right variables?"
"What's different between now and when you did it the first time?"
"Well…I was alone in the aisle, but there were people in the one across me."
Arashi digested this. "Maybe it's like the cat in the box?"
"You mean a jack-in-a-box?" I raised an eyebrow.
"No, Roxas. I remember reading about some guy who put a bunch of cats in boxes, and then put tins of poisoned food in the box with him before closing the lids. At that point, he didn't know if the cats had eaten the poison and died, or if they were still completely fine. So in the end he decided that until he opened the box and saw them, they were simultaneously alive and dead."
(For the record, as you might know, this phenomenon is known as Schrodinger's Cat, and while Schrodinger's solution is a little bit more complicated than that—involving a few equations and no cats at all—the basic premise is the same.)
Something stirred in my memory. Hadn't Stocoletti been talking about this yesterday? How things could change depending on whether or not they're observed?
"Should I go and stand in the other aisle?"
"But then you'll never know for certain if I'm making it up or not," I pointed out. "How about you stand at the entrance to this aisle, with your back to me? Count to fifty and then turn around."
She nodded and did so, and I turned around and focussed back on the space, calming myself and reaching in internally. It wasn't quite instantly, but rather soon I felt a change—that same coolness trickling down my spine, the same dimming of the lights. I continued to breathe quietly, not thinking about anything in particular, until I somehow felt Arashi's eyes on me.
I turned to look at her and give a rueful grin when I realized with a drop in my stomach that she wasn't looking directly at me; rather, her eyes were drifting all across the aisle. I waved at her, but she gave no sign she noticed the motion.
"It really does work," I said aloud, and Arashi shoved her fist in her mouth to muffle a scream.
"Good God, Roxas, please don't do that! You appeared right out of thin air!" Her hands were trembling.
"Really?" I said, leaning back against the bookshelf. "So I'm not really invisible then, just…"
"…Unnoticed," Arashi finished, sounding calmer. "When you do things that get another person's attention, they can see you."
"Let's try again," I said eagerly. "I want to see exactly—" Arashi was shaking her head.
"Lunch is nearly over and I want to eat. Besides, Axel will be out of detention and looking for us." I must have looked disappointed, because her face softened. "Tomorrow we'll come back, I promise."
I just nodded and followed her out to meet Axel at the bench. For a moment I considered telling him about it, but I quickly stomped on the thought. Axel would want proof before he believed it; in the meantime he might tell Namine, who would almost certainly tell Sora or her sister. Tomorrow, maybe, I reminded myself.
The last lesson of the day was Physics, with Stocoletti. He paid no more attention to me than anyone else throughout the lesson proper, but as the final bell rang and everyone scrambled out, he called me back.
"Sir, I have a bus—"
"This won't take long. I just wanted to see if you have any questions about the text?"
"No. Not yet." Feeling pressed to explain myself, I admitted, "I haven't gone that far into it yet. I've had other stuff."
"That groundwork is important, Mr Delaqua." He sighed, and polished his glasses. I wondered if he realized he did that often.
He continued. "What I also intended to inform you about is—well, like I said, yesterday, I don't wish to interfere with your life. I won't pretend to know how you feel. But, regardless of what you might think, we teachers do care about our students. So if you ever need to talk…"
"No. No thanks." I tried to say it gently.
"Well, the offer's there." He glanced out the window. "I am sorry about Xion. She was a pleasure to teach. We all miss her."
A lump grew in my throat. I'd never really thought about other people grieving for Xion, except for Sora. I had just always assumed that I was the only one who really knew her and therefore the only one who really missed her passing. But that wasn't true. Xion had lots of friends at the school. Some had even come to her funeral. There had been one boy who had brought a garland of her favourite flowers…what had been his name?
Feeling drained and more than a little confused, I bid Stocolleti goodbye and managed to reach my bus just before it took off.
As I walked away from my stop, I wondered if I should stop by Xion's grave. Eventually I decided against it; I was cutting it relatively fine as it was to get to the hospital at four thirty.
Greylands Hospital was mainly a two-story building constructed with red brick. It was made of sharp, ungainly white angles and surrounded by eucalypts. There were few gardens and the grass was surprisingly dull for autumn. A small playground and sandpit stood a little ways from the main building. All the windows had bars on them. There was nothing overtly creepy about the scene; instead, it emanated a kind of empty feeling, like a room that hasn't been lived in for a long time. You can clean the room and keep it free of dust, but something still seems to be missing.
I followed the signs to the reception and was pleased to find Kairi waiting for me there. She had a bundle of clothes under her arm.
"Hey, there," she said warmly. "Ready to dive in?"
"Sure, why not?" I nodded to the clothes. "Are they for me?"
"Yep. All volunteers have to wear this shirt, and this jacket. What pants you wear are up to you, but no jeans or shorts. You'll also have a badge, but yours hasn't arrived yet. Today is going to be your orientation session, so it won't be strenuous. Sora's already filed your employee health assessment, so don't worry about that." She handed me the shirt and jacket. I ducked in to the bathroom to change clothes.
When I came out, Kairi continued as though nothing had happened. "When it's your first volunteering day proper, you have to report in to the volunteer services office. I'll show you where that is. Just a few quick rules before we head off. They're all common sense rules, but still…One, always wash your hands properly before and after you start work, in between patients, before and after eating, and before and after dealing with hospital materials such as linen or food trays." The speech sounded very rehearsed. "Two, never enter any locked or isolated wards unless a doctor or a nurse says you can. You'll know if it's locked or isolated because it'll have a yellow card on the door. Three, you don't get any special rights to drugs or supplies, and I better not find out that you tried to get some, Roxas." Her eyes narrowed in a surprisingly fierce expression and I tried not to gulp. "And finally—you're not a doctor or a nurse and you're not taking the place of one. So don't act like one." She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Oh, one more thing. The patients all know what a volunteer is, but some of them might try and pull the wool over your eyes and use you to get more medication for them—"
"Don't worry, I know how to deal with that," I assured her. Kairi looked a little puzzled by this, but didn't ask for clarification. She stepped over to a hallway. "Let's get started, then."
NB: The Fault In Our Stars is an absolutely fantastic book and I recommend everyone read it wholeheartedly.
