Chapter 4: Stressful Morning
John stood in the bedroom, his open suitcase before him as he tossed his clothes and random necessities into it. He had to be ready to catch the plane back to California at dawn so he figured he would go ahead and get his packing out of the way and spend the rest of the night with Maureen and Trinity.
"Are you sure you're ready?" Maureen asked as she came up behind him.
She had gotten used to having him around, and so had their daughter. As selfish as it was, she wanted John to stay with her, to cut ties with Gemma. They needed him and he was pretty set on staying with them most of the time. Why not just be there full time?
"I have to go. I'm not going to be there for the funeral, but I do have to return sometime."
In short, John was not ready to return. He had known what he did, and no matter how he justified it to himself in his mind, murder was murder. This wasn't some random man out on the streets, this was his son. The doctors all said that he would never awake from that coma, and they said that even if he did, he would most likely only last a week or two before falling back into another coma or dying. Thomas had no real chance. This was the end of his life and Gemma was back there trying to drag it out.
It hurt him, the whole situation going on back home. His own son was having to suffer and there was nothing that anyone could do to help him. All he wanted was to put an end to all of it, and this was his solution, end his son's suffering and keep his wife from losing her sanity while sitting day after day beside a comatose child as if her presence would somehow miraculously cure him.
His entire family was a mess and he was doing the one thing that he could to help them. He gave Gemma a reason to move on with her life. He was giving Jax back his mother so that he could actually be properly cared for.
Even if he wasn't back at him with them, even if he was drifting away from Gemma, he still cared. They were still his family. All he had to do was make sure that they were all right and then he could move out here and stay with Maureen and Trinity.
The only problem now though, was that he knew once he saw them, he would be faced with nothing but a brutal reminder. He would see exactly what this had done to Gemma. He would see how Jax would be suffering both the loss of a brother and a parent at the same time. He would have to stand there knowing that he sped up a process and caused this.
"I just think it's a bit early. You stayed up half the night explaining to me why you couldn't be there. I really think you should give it another week," Maureen stated as she wrapped her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder.
A part of her was truly worried about him. She had sat up listening to him try to rationalize what he had done. In all honesty, Maureen was disgusted by the act, she hated that he even thought it was okay, even though he painted it out to be a mercy killing. On the other hand though, it did not really concern her. She was not the one who had to go through watching her own child slowly die. She didn't have to watch the disintegration of her own family.
"I'll be fine. I'm not staying long. Just long enough to check in on Gemma and Jax and then I'm right back," John assured her before turning his head and planting a small kiss on her cheek.
"Do you know when you're coming back yet?" Maureen questioned.
"No, I'll let you know. I'll call you from the airport."
She sighed as she pulled back away from him. All she wanted was some timeline for this trip. The last thing she wanted was for him to decide that maybe he should stay there. It was unlikely, he had stayed with her this whole time, but it was something that she always considered.
"Alright, just be careful," she flatly stated.
John offered her a smile. He had been aware of her jealousy. That seemed to be a trend that he looked for. He liked knowing that his woman wanted him with her at all times, and to not even be thinking of someone else.
"I don't think I have too much to worry about," he stated, meaning both that he would be returning, and that he really didn't have those feelings for Gemma anymore. He cared about Gemma, and he wanted her to be all right, but the love that he once felt for her just wasn't there anymore. That reminded him, he had to check up on her and make sure she and Jax were holding up okay. "I have to go make a phone call before dinner, I'll be right back."
The blonde nodded as she watched him leave the room. "Just don't take too long!"
oooooo
This was the morning that she never wanted to arrive. Today was the day that she had to say goodbye to her son forever. He had been dead, but there was something about the burial that made everything that much more real. It was the reassurance that everything was done and over with.
Now there would be no funeral plans to distract her mind. There would be no more people calling to see how she was holding up and then doing their best to try and talk about anything else to help keep her mind off of things. All she would be left with were her thoughts, and lately that scared the living hell out of her.
"Did you brush your teeth?" Gemma flatly asked as Jax passed her in the hall while going from the bathroom to his room.
Right now, she just wanted to focus on getting Jax ready for the day. Getting herself ready seemed to be a losing battle. There were still dark circles under her eyes, and no matter how much make up she applied, she still appeared to be pale. She looked worn and sick. It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't about to be the center of attention.
People were about to approach her, tell her how sorry they were and that they would do anything for her if she needed it. All she really wanted to do was get away from everyone and everything and curl up in a ball. She wanted to get back into bed and just forget about all of this, sleep for about a week.
"Yes."
Jax wasn't sure how to feel today. At first he missed his brother, but then he just got used to him being gone. He wasn't so sure why it was a big deal that he was dead now, it wasn't like he was actually here before he died. And when he would go see him in the hospital, he was sleeping, just sleeping.
More than anything, he had been mad at Thomas. First, he just completely left him. They would play together everyday, even when he was sick, Jax would go into his room and they would find something to do. They would do almost everything together, well, when Opie wasn't around. Either way, he wasn't there anymore.
If the abandonment wasn't enough, he also had to chase away their father and steal away their mother. Jax was only eight, but he was able to make a few connections here and there. He could tell that John was around less and less as Thomas got more and more sick. He could see the toll that it was taking on Gemma. She was suddenly too busy sitting at his bed side to deal with anything at home. Now that he was gone, maybe John would come back, maybe Gemma would start being his mother again.
In the back of his head, he knew that it was wrong to feel the way that he did. He couldn't help it though, whenever there was something wrong with Thomas, it was a huge deal. Everyone always cared about Thomas and how Thomas was doing.
The young boy went straight into his room. All he wanted was to get this day over with and get back to school. At least there not everyone around him was all depressed and crying. It was normal there.
Gemma started to follow her son into his room. She had to tie his tie for him and get his shoes for him. She knew he was going to try to wear his tennis shoes, but there was no way that was going to happen. And there was the fact that she wasn't all that sure as to where his dress shoes actually were.
The phone rang, causing her to stop in his doorway. Right now was not the time for her to be talking to anyone. She knew that she had to answer it though, it could be anyone. For all she knew, it could be Clay calling to tell her that he was going to be late or that someone else was going to have to get her.
"I'll be there in a minute to help you with your tie," Gemma sighed as she turned and hastened down the hall and towards the kitchen.
"Hey," she curtly greeted upon picking up the receiver.
"Gemma? It's John."
John. It had to be him, right now. There was a wave of emotions unleashed within her as soon as she had heard the voice. This man was the one that she had trusted with her very life for years. She married him, kept his home for him, did everything he told her to, raised his kids, and now here she was suffering alone. She had been a model wife to him, and he still decided that it was better to leave. She wasn't sure whether to be mad or hurt, or upset. All she knew was that he was lucky he was in another country because she wanted nothing more than to wrap her hands around his neck.
"What do you want?" She coldly questioned.
The iciness in her voice came as no surprise to him, yet he still flinched at her response. He knew that she would be mad, and that was expected. He just couldn't be there right now and there was nothing that he could do to change that.
"I'm sorry, I'll be there as soon as I can," he said as though it would actually mean something to her. More than anything, it was just one of those formalities that you utter when you have to try to comfort someone from a distance.
"You should be here now," she sternly said.
Gemma didn't care what the protocol was for talking to your husband. She didn't care that she was supposed to obey him and put his work for the club before anything else - she was hurt by the one person that she never thought could hurt her. It was wound that could never truly heal.
"Mom!" Jax called.
She closed her eyes and huffed in annoyance. "I'll be there in a minute!" She responded, briefly covering the receiver with her palm. Although why she decided to do anything polite for John, she had no idea. It wasn't as though she cared if she yelled in his ear.
"Look, I have to get ready to go bury our son. I'll talk to you when you finally decide to come home," she explained before hanging up the phone. She didn't even want to give him the chance to say goodbye.
She took a moment, leaning against the doorway as she covered her eyes with her hand. All she wanted was to find a way to get through today without any issues. The main goal was to get back home as soon as possible and get back into bed. John's calling didn't help. All it did was remind her of how lonely she was in all of this.
Sure, Clay was there and he was great. He did everything he could to help her, but John was the father of Thomas. It felt as though she were the only parent truly mourning her child. John was supposed to understand what she was going through and help her through it, they were supposed to help each other.
She dropped her hand to her side with a sigh and pushed herself off the doorframe. Clay was going to return any minute and they would have to be ready to leave right away.
Upon turning around, she started towards the bedroom. She was stopped by the sight of her youngest son's door wide open, it slowed her pace and her mouth fell slightly agape. Her heart was instantly broken at the thought of her baby's room being disturbed.
"Jaxson!" She yelled as she got to the doorway. She could see Jax in there going through Thomas's closet.
Jax hurried to his feet, knowing full well that he had upset his mother. He knew that she didn't want him in there, but he could remember that Thomas had more room in his closet, some of his things were being stored in there.
"I thought my shoes would be in here! I couldn't find them in my room or the closet," he explained."Go wait for me in my room!" Gemma demanded as she pointed towards her bedroom.
Jax lowered his head before leaving the room. "You know he doesn't care," he mumbled under his breath as he passed her.
Gemma's face softened as she softly gasped. She wasn't so sure as to what it was about his words that hit her so harshly, but they did. It was some subtle reminder that Thomas really was gone. And she knew that she was being sort with Jax, and that she really shouldn't be pushing him away right now, but she couldn't help it.
Clay, who had just pulled into the driveway, let himself into the house. He had witnessed a little bi of what had just happened and figured it best to not intervene. Now that they were done though, he thought it would be all right to approach her."Gemma?"
"What!?" Gemma snapped without thinking about it as she wheeled around to face him.
Clay didn't flinch at her words. He knew that she would be edgy, and all he wanted was to just get them both to the cemetery. "I just wanted to let you know I was here. We gotta be there in twenty."
Gemma thickly swallowed, nodding."We'll be ready in a minute," she distantly told him, her eyes wandering back to the room.
After last night, it was obvious to him just how much that room meant to her. Taking a few steps forward, he peeked into the room, looking for where Jax had been. It was messy to begin with, so he couldn't even see a difference. He was sure though that Gemma could see every little thing that had been moved.
"He didn't really mess anything up in there," he informed her, before looking to her to see whether or not he made things better.
"Don't," she replied.
It did mean something to her that Clay was doing his best to make her feel better, but no matter how grateful she was for his attempts, they just didn't change anything. Thomas was still gone and his room had still been messed with.
They both kept the silence between them as she finally made her way to her room to go and finish getting them both ready to go. It hurt Clay to see her this broken, he just wished that he could fix everything for her. The most he could do was just be there, stay the night tonight and make sure that she's all right. He could help out with Jax for the next few days if he had to.
