"talking"
'thoughts'
'inner thoughts'
So how was your Thanksgiving break? I was sure mine was going to be totally lame but was happily proved wrong. I hope you know I am sick and still took the time to write this for you guys. Lol, I'm such a bitch. Anyways, here's the latest chapter, enjoy.
"Come on Ino, let's sit with them," I pleaded. I wasn't exactly sure why I wanted to eat lunch with Naruto this badly but it seemed harmless enough. If only Ino could see that it was a good idea…
"What brought this on all of the sudden Forehead?" The insult could be forgotten for now; I had some persuading to do.
"Ino, I'm sure Shikamaru and Chouji won't mind and I know you wouldn't mind sitting by Sasuke," I was so totally right. She had a crush on Sasuke; it was no secret. And seeing as how Sasuke and Naruto were best friends, this would work out for the both of us.
"Fine, we'll sit with them but under one condition," why couldn't she make this easy?
I quirked an eye brow at her, "Yes?"
"You have to tell me why you want to sit with them so badly," Ino shut her locker and looked at me expectantly.
"Well…" why did she have to ask that question? How did I explain what happened yesterday? I didn't quite understand it myself. It was like we went from strangers to friends in a few hours. But I refused to think of it that way; it sounded ridiculous. Relationships are built up, not created out of thin air. Maybe that happened to some people. But I wasn't sure; I never really made friends. Ino and I had become friends in kindergarten; I could hardly remember how our friendship started. Shikamaru and Chouji were more her friends than mine; their parents knew each other in high school.
Maybe I had just made a new friend and it was as simple as that.
Ino was obviously tired of waiting for my response and her ill informed mind had made one for me, "Don't tell me you like Sasuke?!"
Ino was always jumping to conclusions, "No Ino-Pig, I just want to hangout with Naruto."
"So it's Naruto you like?" this is what I mean, jumping to conclusions.
"Wrong again, I just saw him at my mother's grave yesterday and we talked. Can we sit with them now?" I let out an exasperated sigh, tired of this conversation.
"Why didn't you call me and tell me?!" Dear God, I did not feel like dealing with this today. I needed to go home, take a couple muscle relaxers and enjoy the ride.
"I don't know, I didn't think it was much to talk about," truthfully I just didn't want to deal with this.
"Well obviously it was," I rolled my eyes.
Thankfully, we had gotten to our Spanish class; this game of twenty questions was over.
I had actually been a little nervous about sitting with Naruto at lunch. I was half expecting Sasuke to tell us all to fuck off. Not that he looked incredibly happy we were there; at least he was putting up with us. Well, more like putting up with Ino's flirting. I had a feeling he was doing it for Naruto. Who thankfully, did seem glad we were there.
"So Sakura-Chan, what made you decide to sit with us?" that was just the question of the day, wasn't it?
'When had he added the suffix?' leaving that for now, I tried to find a good answer to this question I was begging to hate.
"No reason, just sounded like fun," there I technically wasn't lying, it had sounded like fun.
Trying not to bore him I attempted to start a conversation, "Did you see previews for that movie coming out, The Mist?"
Sasuke cut in from across the table, "Yea somebody told me it sucked, don't see it."
"Really? Man that sucks," I honestly had wanted to see it.
"Yea but Awake looks good!" Naruto added.
"Dude, I'm totally gunna see that! That movie looks crazy!" see, this was why I like Naruto. He was so hyper and friendly, he had happiness radiating off of him. It was contagious and I loved it.
"We should see it when it comes out!" Naruto looked excited by the idea.
"Totally!" how I cherished this warming radiation.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ino smirk, she defiantly heard that.
'Lord knows what thoughts are going through her head.'
'You know she's going to act like it's a date.'
'Of course she will, she'll try and take us shopping for it and everything.'
I was broke from my thoughts when Naruto took my hand and started writing something on it.
'His phone number?'
He released my hand and I examined it. Yep, it was.
"It's my home phone so don't call too late; my dad will be pissed."
'I though his dad had died.'
I looked up at him in confusion, "Well, Iruka's not my real dad."
Of course, someone must have watched him after his father had passed. Now I felt stupid.
"Adopted?" I wanted to get it straight while the subject was open.
"Yeah, Iruka's awesome; he really cares about me."
I smiled at that, glad to know he had some form of a real family.
I had six pretty little pills in my hand, ready to swallow them down. There was always that miniscule moment of apprehension before tossing pills into my mouth. It wasn't as if I had a reason to hesitate, nothing had ever gone wrong. But my subconscious must have known somehting could, always causing this millisecond moment of nerves before I sucked it up and took them; just as I did now.
Anxiety now replaced with excitement once again. I waited, but waiting always sucked. It was worse when trying something new; because you didn't now what to expect. I knew exactly how I was about to feel. However, that didn't mean this didn't suck. I used to be such a patient person, oh how that had changed.
My mind began to wander.
The day always seemed such a blur after dinner. There was nothing left to mark the time that passed. Nothing I needed to do, so I enjoyed myself. One of the few ways I knew how, that always seemed to cloud the rest of my night. Not in the sense that I forgot what had occurred. Rather that I wasn't completely there. I was off in another world; one that wasn't so hectic and arduous.
This world was better in my opinion, for the most part. One thing I didn't like about this world was the inescapable dependency I had developed for it. In reality, I wasn't addicted to drugs. At least my body wasn't, I would never go through withdrawal. I was smart enough to steer away from drugs with those side effects. But mentally, I couldn't say the same.
Drugs were in my every thought, my most treasured escape. When I had a bad day, they were the solution. When I missed my mother, they were the answer. I have come into the habit of using when I am merely bored. It was part of me now; not something I could just walk away from, especially when I needed them this much.
Maybe today I could have gone without them; but what about tomorrow? Who knows what hellish pain I could go through, or how about the next day? I only took comfort in the fact that, no matter the hour, Ryou would have something for me. Even if I didn't have money on me, he would gladly let me pay him back later.
I felt the pills take some effect. My body was less tense, I could feel myself become less alert. I continued with my pondering.
The biggest downside was that this wasn't the way I wanted to handle the pain. I wanted to be like Ino, comforted by little things like shopping, chick flicks, and sleepovers. I wanted to be a normal teenager that knew how to deal with things properly. I didn't want this to be my life.
So why couldn't I stop?
One theory was that this was the only way to be happy. But honestly, I didn't feel happy. There was still a gaping whole in my heart, the one my mother left behind. Some part of me must have thought I could fill it. I think I'm just gnawing at the edges. I'm not filling anything and nothing is getting better. I was just temporarily numbing the pain. Once the high was gone the whole had enlarged. But I still won't learn my lesson.
I just keep trying new pills; seeing how high this one will get me, how great this one will make me feel.
I just wish I had a way to make it all better; a way that was acceptable, as this was not. But until I found something else; something that worked properly, something that not only numbed but made me happy, I was a drug user.
How I hated what I had become in this past year. This self loathing was getting rather old and so was this life.
And yet here I am, waiting for the pills to fully kick in so I can forget about this for the time being. So everything can be okay again, if only for a moment.
Music can be oh so inspirational. Madre, thanks for helping my writter's block.
