Well, here's chapter 4 - been too long hasn't it? Also, I am introducing new standards for my stories - three reviews must be submitted for each chapter for new chapters to be submitted, so you obviously know what that means: no reviews means no new chapters!
Edd frowned, turning towards the now kicked down door. "There's a knob, Ed." He heard Eddy's voice spat unenthusiastically.
"Really?" Ed asked, trudging into the room. "I didn't stop to notice it. Course, it won't happen next time chief!"
Eddy rolled his eyes. "Sure you will Ed, sure you will."
"How many times will it take for you to realize my door isn't a punching bag of some sort!" Edd complained, folding his arms.
Ed vacantly gazed at the boy, while Eddy merely paced over to his desk. "Shutup sockhead!" Eddy slammed his fist on a nearby wall as he continued. "I'm pissed off right now, so not a word from either of you!"
An awkward silence soon followed, but it was soon broken up by Eddy's audible mumbling noises.
"What the hell are you two standing around like retarted ten year olds! Say something will ya!?!" Edd and Ed stepped back, having witnessed a vein pop in the boy's forehead, and taking note of his anger mood swings.
Edd cleared his throat before deciding to speak up. "Judging from your temper and ragged appearance, I would assume Rolf struck vengeance on both you and Ed - well more so you, but you dragged Ed in to use as a meatshield."
"Don't remind me of that Double D!" Eddy barked, recalling the event. "I swear those foreigners are fricking possessed - Rolf threw Ed right through a brick wall!"
Ed blinked. "That was a brick wall? I didn't really notice."
Eddy forcefully slammed a fist down on the chair, yelling loudly in pain moments later. "I don't give a crap!" He yelled, clutching his now sore hand. "What matters is, this is all sockhead's fault, so he's paying for all of the medical stuff we're buying at that new store!"
"Parden my intrusion on your rant, but wouldn't it make more sense to go to a hospital to get treatment?" Edd said, raising an eyebrow.
Eddy lowered his eyebrows. "Like hell I am! You know how it is - they stick you in a room with one of those creepy old guys in a wheelchair, who has nothing better to do than tell you about the same part of his life story over and over! And, the food sucks ass!"
"And you know this because...?" Edd questioned, eyebrow still risen.
"That's confidential information sockhead." Eddy said, quickly spinning around. "I could tell you about it, but of course, I'd have to kill you!"
Edd folded his arms. "Right, sure you will." He said.
"Oh no, I never kid. In fact, Ed, go fetch me my pike!" Eddy began to rub his hands together in anticipation.
"Sorry chief, but there are no more pikes on the premesis - you wasted them all on that one Kevin fan that said you sucked." Ed stated informatively.
Eddy frowned, turning towards Ed. "That was a bust, I didn't even kill that bastard!"
"Why, was that attempted manslaughter Eddy?" Edd asked, perking up. "For shame."
"Silence pansy, I don't need your pity." Eddy spat, glancing away.
Edd merely chuckled at Eddy's remark. "Who said I pitited you? You're too much of an incompetent, egotistical imbecile to earn such pity."
Ed blinked. "Wow, so many big words." He said interestedly. The tall Ed glanced at Eddy and Edd who gave him baffled stares. "What? Oh, just because I'm the dumb one, it gives you every right to criticize my sentences!?!"
Eddy sighed. "Look lumpy, we're all pissed and ready to open buttloads of whup-ass on each other right now. Just shutup and calm down like I said earlier!"
Edd huffed. "And yet you told us to talk moments later." He mumbled.
"I said shutup!!" Eddy yelled, glowering at Edd.
Another awkward silence soon followed, and it was broken up by Eddy yet again.
"You know what, I say screw the idiot who said for us to keep quiet!"
Edd smacked his forehead. "Eddy, you're the idiot."
Ed raised his arms in the air and let out a cheer. "Awesome! I'm not the dumb one anymore!"
"No lumpy, you're still the group dumbass, and if princess smartaleck over there doesn't shutup, he'll be the group deadguy!" Eddy hissed, picking up a lamp and angrily tossing it across the room.
"As you say, your airheadedness." Edd sneered in response.
Eddy quickly glanced around for an object to use as a projectile to throw at Edd, but abruptly stopped as a voice boomed on the building wide P.A.
"Attention all stars of the show, this is the boss - who you all know as 'The Bigman', telling you that Ed, Edd, n Eddy will now be aired on Adult Swim. I know this may come as a shock to you all, but it is necessary if we are to keep up with today's hip youngsters my homedawgs; if you know what I mean..."
The Eds rose an eyebrow as the voice let out a hearty chortle. From what they could tell, the rest of the building remained silent.
"...Man, what is this, an empty audience on the film set of 'Pootie Tang'? Anyway, our ratings will skyrocket from this move, and you all will be able to express yourselves more often. Well, that be it my peoples, so word up and peace out!"
The building remained silent after the voice went off the air. All three of the Eds remained idle for a few minutes, but rushed to peer out the opened doorway after hearing what sounded like a gunshot.
"I told you Sarah was with 9-11 Plank, why'd you think she wasn't here for filming that day!!" Good ol' bigheaded Jonny 2x4 sprinted down the hallway, narrowly avoiding the hails of bullets Sarah was firing his way. He slid between the closing elevator doors, but part of his head was caught as it began to move down. The elevator shot down, deflecting various bullets off its surface before crashing down to the first floor and shooting Jonny out.
The Eds slowly turned towards Sarah who jammed the smoking weapon into her pocket. She merely sneered at the trio before turning around and opening her door, then disappearing into her room.
Edd shook his head. "This place seems more and more like a nuthouse everyday." He sighed, glancing at the bullets that were scattered over the hallway floor.
"You think it has to do with the big guy acting black now?" Ed pondered aloud, placing a finger on his chin.
Eddy opened his mouth to speak, but his eyes widened at the sight of Ed's chin. "Well, it was much better when - Wholy crap! Ed since when do you have a chin!?!"
"Hmmm, ever after since you told me to get a chin implant, so I did!" Ed said with a happy expression.
Eddy rose an eyebrow. "Yeah, but that was before you understood sarcasm."
"Oh yeah! It was that one hour, banned episode where us chums set out to-"
Just as the screen did that wavvy thing that signaled a flashback, Edd somehow jumped in the middle and immediately went on a rant. "How many times must I tell you, NO flashbacks in MY room! Why, just the other day-"
"Spare me the drama sockhead, you can nail us later. Now, to Walmart!" Eddy interrupted, raising a finger in the air with sudden zeal.
Ed blinked. "No can do chief, it got condemned or whatever it is after you released those rats in there!"
"Those jerks had it coming - they tried to charge me fifty-cents for some deodorant!"
Edd suddenly pinched his nose. "Is that why you've been putting off on showering?" He questioned.
Eddy sneered at his colleague. "Would you quit it sockhead! We're not at the filmset, so stop imagining green wavy stink lines floating over my head and-"
"That's it Kev, we're through!"
The Eds peered out the doorway once more to witness a half-dressed Nazz storm down the hallway towards her room.
Kevin hopped down the hallway, struggling to get into some jean shorts while keeping up with Nazz. "Wait baby, I promise I can change!"
Nazz placed her hands on her hips. "That's what you said the eighty-fifth time, and I'm still waiting to see that happen!"
Nazz opened the door to her room, ignoring Kevin's various begs and groveling as she shut the door. "Man!" Kevin scoffed. "Okay then, I'll find another chick who's hotter than-"
Nazz's door swung open as a large, rather heavy trunk was tossed out. It smacked Kevin, sending him falling down twenty flights of stairs under it. "And you can take all your crap back!" She spat.
Eddy blinked. "I could've sworn there was only two flights of stairs the last time I checked."
"While that is true, I do recall them swapping those two areas of the building through classic cartoon antics." Edd said.
Ed's eyes beamed. "Coool!" He said interestedly.
The Ed's attempted to turn back into Edd's room, but jumped onto the floor after hearing more gunshots being fired.
"Crap!" Eddy shouted. "It's one of those terrorist attack thingies!!"
Ed began to cry. "I don't wanna die guys!"
Edd glanced at his watch. "Oh dear, Jimmy seems to be watching 'Tom & Jerry' again."
"No foolin? Well now that that's settled, to CVS!" Eddy exclaimed, brushing himself as he got up.
"That's another no go chief, they were forced to close early - someone said Michael Jackson was going there." Ed said.
Eddy shuddered. "Okay, a little too much information lumpy. At any rate, to Walgreens!"
"Let's hope this trip goes horrbily wrong like the others have." Edd sighed, following his colleagues out the door.
Ed glanced back at Edd. "Don't say that Double D, or Michael Jackson will come for you!" He said gravely.
"It's such a shame that won't happen." Eddy muttered under his breath.
The self-proclaimed leader of the trio pressed the 'down' button of the elevator. It lit up for two seconds, then suddenly shut off. Eddy perked up after realizing what happened and pressed it again. It lit up for half a second this time before shutting off. Eddy groweled, rapidly pressing the button even though it wasn't lighting up. "This stupid thing's getting on my nerves! Why won't it light up!?!"
Edd rose an eyebrow. "Perhaps the elevator was damaged in that little escapade we witnessed earlier."
Ed trudged over to the button after it lit up on its own. "Allow me!" He said heartily.
Eddy grabbed Ed's jacket, attempting to pull him back, but the big guy remained still. "No you idiot its fine! Don't-"
Bsssrkk...BANG!!!
Ed punched the button, his fist protruding into the wall behind where it was placed. He grabbed hold of some wires and began tugging on them, ripping them apart moments later.
"Ed, do you have any idea what you've just done!?!" Edd outbursted, nervously placing his hands on his head.
Ed blinked. "Nope, not a thing Double D." He plainly stated.
Sparks began to dance near the now ripped open wire coverings, some flying out of the opening in the wall. A miniature segment of explosions erupted moments later for some unkown reason that cartoon antics could only explain. Finally, a somewhat medium sized explosion erupted, sending the Eds smacking into a nearby wall.
"You idiot!" Eddy spat, "That's coming out of your paycheck!"
The trio of Eds managed to pry their now charred black bodies off a wall that was burnt in various places. They blinked, then proceeded to remove the stuff by shaking left and right as all cartoon characters do.
Eddy turned around, now pacing toward the stairs. "That tears it, we're taking the stairs - no ifs, ands, or buts about it!...Heh, buts."
Edd and Ed shot the boy a baffled gaze as he began to laugh uncontrollably while walking down the stairs. They shrugged at each other before following suite.
Jimmy peered out of his doorway, homemade cigarette in hand while he witnessed the trio head down the stairs. "Whoo, that was a close call - those three might of discovered my Mary J cashcow I've been keeping secret." He took a puff of his cigarette before entering his room, which was decorated with numerous bullet holes. "Dang it!" He hissed, "Those prostitutes stole my plants!"
"Eddy, by any chance did you smack that girl's butt?"
Eddy chuckled, having witnessed 'Eddy'z uh pimp$' imprinted on the back of her short skirt. "Nope, nothing of that sort Eddward. I am a sophisticated gentleman who would not dream of stooping to such shennanigins."
Edd folded his arms. "Right, we'll go with that - for now at least."
Ed came speeding by on a shopping cart, bumping into the two and running them over before crashing into a man, who knocked over a ladder which was supporting a man sorting things, but he ended up knocking the aisle rack over which crushed a hobo who was dancing giddily because he found a miniscule chip crumb that he beat from a rat that carried rabies. The impact of the aisle falling caused the nearby floor to crack, and that crack cracked on over and around half of the store, causing it to cracking crack the crackingest crack that caused it to sink five feet under because it was a massive crack created by mole people who emerged from the ground, and some guy exclaimed that he was right mole people existed, but he was killed by their laser death rays of doom because they were a highly civilized, technologically savvy race from outer space that crashed into the earth years ago and-
"Enough!" Eddy furiously shouted, breaking the screen with a sledgehammer, "I hate text walls!"
Ed frowned. "Aww!" He whined, saddened by the fact Eddy had smashed his favorite 'Sim Your Boring Uninteresting Everyday Life Because You Are Extremely Bored Which Is Why You Are Playing This So Stop Reading This Boring Freakishly Long Title And Play The Fricking Boring Game 98532561870187.
"The fact they made that many sequels disturbs me." Edd said, shuddering.
Eddy dragged the sledgedhammer along the ground, walking further into the store. "And so do those porn tapes your hippo of an aunt made, but you don't see me whining like a wuss."
Edd gasped. "I'll have you know she was extremely big boned, or something to that effect! Sure the heffer jokes were funny, but it was in her genes!"
"You sure it wasn't overeating? From what I heard, it was her favorite pasttime and hobby." Eddy rose an eyebrow, smirking devilishly.
An employee rushed up to the duo moments later. "Hey, I don't think you know, but we've got a strict you break it you buy it policy and-"
"I ain't paying you didley! I don't own that piece of crap you people call a game!" Eddy threw the sledgehammer at the clerk, knocking him out.
"Nice." Edd spoke with little enthusiasm.
"Whatever, let's just get the junk so we can get out of here!" Eddy scoffed, storming down an aisle.
"Frick! How much crap did that person buy!?!" Eddy glowered at the back of the customer's large cranium, but later smirked after seeing his reflection.
"Wood varnish, more wood varnish, some more wood varnish, wood varnish, lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, more tomatoes, carrots, peas, tofu, more tofu, a truckload of tofu, apples, grapes, fifteen bunches of bananas, nineteen packs of Dasani bottled water..."
The big headed customre smiled giddily as the clerk finished scanning his items. "Alright Plank, we can have that rocking night party we told everyone about!"
The clerk totaled up the amount on the register. "Okay sir, your total comes to...$7,567.82. I'm guessing you'd like bags of the new 'big ass' variety which leads me to ask: Paper or Plastic?"
"Paper!" The big headed customer - ah, you know who it is. Anyway, Jonny exclaimed. "That should cut back on environmental pollution!"
The clerk blinked. "Whatever." He pushed a button that caused a freakishly large bag to rise from the ground as the items were haphazardly shoved in it.
Jonny placed a newly made $10,000 bill with the 1,015th president Peter Griffin's face on it in the clerk's hand. He then managed to somehow grab the bag and shove it in his back pocket before pacing out the store.
Eddy and Edd happened to be next in line, so they wheeled the cart up to the cashier. "Hey, I heard you got beaten like a rag doll by Rolf the other day!" The cashier chuckled, pointing at Eddy.
Eddy groweled, pulling out a sawed off shotgun from his side pocket. "Oh yeah? We'll see about that after I pump you full of lead!"
The clerk rose an eyebrow. "I know I'm not supposed to be saying this since my life is in danger, but you got that gun pointed at your head..."
Indeed, Eddy had the gun pointed towards his face - which would mean sudden death if he were to fire it, and naturally being the smartaleck he was, he'd do it and somehow survive like all cartoon characters do; when in all actuality their brain and blood should be splattered all over the floor.
"Shutup! I think I know how to manage a gun retard!" Edd shook his head, sighing after Eddy finished his sentence.
"Okay buddy, it's your funeral." The clerk said gravely.
Eddy huffed. "Alright if it'll stop your whining.." He spun the gun around so it was now pointed at the clerk. Eddy pulled the trigger, causing a silence to fall upon the store as nothing happened. Eddy pressed the trigger once again before pressing it rapidly because of nothing happening. He pressed it one more time, causing a stick and confetti to shoot out. A flag that read 'BANG!' unraveled moments later, angering Eddy to the point where he tossed the gun on the ground.
"That was a surprise. I thought you would've blown your brains out." Edd said, shocked at the outcome of the event.
"Whatever!" Eddy scoffed. "I can't believe Ed talked me into buying that piece of crap! Let's get this stuff paid for before I blow this joint up for no apparent reason!"
The clerk let out a sigh of relief before proceeding to scan the Eds' items. "Sure thing man."
"Let's get out of this dump Ed." Eddy said, grabbing Ed by his ear and dragging him out of the store.
Ed flailed his arms. "But Eddy, I almost finished fixing the machine and-"
"Shut it Ed - we're getting out of here, and none of your retarded death threats will work this time!"
Edd slowly trudged after the two. "Well, it's nice that for once nothing happened to the-"
Edd was cut off by an audible explosion cloud composed of green smoke that caused the building to go up into the air and smash down on the ground, walls and roof separated for some moments before coming back together.
Eddy chuckled devilishly. "Like I'd end that streak now sockhead! That place'll be fumigated for weeks thanks to the classic 'Almongo Stinkbomb' I left behind.
"Of course, I shouldn't have expected less." Edd huffed, eyebrows lowered.
Ed sprinted to the car. "This is going to be like one of those mafia getaway things!" He exclaimed giddily.
"Don't get your hopes up lumpy, I got a gut feeling we're going to skip ahead to when we get back." Eddy said, unlocking the Mclaren.
Edd rose an eyebrow. "What makes you say that?" He questioned
"Shutup so we can skip ahead already!" Eddy spat.
One hour, twenty accidents, and eight freeway closings later...
"See? What'd I tell ya!"
Edd scratched his head, sporting a curious look. "That's proposterous! Nothing of that sort should be possible!"
Ed trudged into the building, eight bags containing the medical items balanced on his head. "And that's what makes the boring world we live in so fun!" He giddily exclaimed.
The trio paced up the stairs, only to be greeted by hails of bullets that shot back and forth in front of them.
"I knew you stole my plants you tramp!" Jimmy yelled over the loud noise of bullets being fired.
"So what if I did!?! Are you going to cry to your mom about it!?!" Sarah teased.
Edd sported a confused expression. "They're standing across from each other with no cover whatsoever, and yet all their shots have missed so far."
"Weird ain't it?" Eddy said.
"Hey!" Ed suddenly outbursted, "What's going on here!?! Eddy's been letting up on the insults and the usual 'That's coming out of your paycheck!' And, unpredictable cartoon like antics have been unfolding all day! You think something happened to Death?"
Both Eddy and Edd tilted thier heads to the side. "Ed?' They asked in unison.
Ed blinked. "I rest my case. Death hasn't been restraining the laws of chaos, order, and actuality all together!"
Jimmy and Sarah ceased firing at each other at this time, now starting to yell out various curses and insults - some of them known only to dolphins.
The Eds trudged up the stairs, ignoring the scene Jimmy and Sarah had made altogether, and paced over to Edd's room.
"I tell ya," Eddy chuckled while Edd opened the door, "This place is really fu-"
And just before Eddy could finish his sentence, the screen shattered and a teenage boy clad in light armor appeared with an armgun pointed at the screen.
"Sorry viewers, but due to the restrictions of the FSSSMACIFFOFFWBTTIPTMOTAOPC(Freaking Scary Strict Soccer Moms Against Cussing In Fan-Fiction On Fan-Fiction Websites Because They Think It Poisons The Minds Of Their And Other People's Children) The last eighty-eight segments of this chapter have been cut due to it resulting in possible banning, or ups on the fiction rating. I'd tell you what it is, but I'd risk getting my ass blown off by - oh sh-"
A black device around the boy's neck immediately lit up and began to beep. He ran around, arms flailing in the air as he screamed bloody murder and shouted out various curses in a pre-set cycle.
"Thaaaaaaaat's aaaaaaaaaaall foooooooooolksss!" The boy wailed as the collar blew up, sending him flying all over the screen before crashing into it and causing the now black screen to shatter.
Eddy walked in sometime later, glancing around the now white area he was in. "Ah, where the hell am I now!?!" He stomped the ground in frustration. "Oh !!!!!!!!!"
The screen fizzed away, suddenly replaced by one of those 'Please Stand By' messages that causes people to throw something at the T.V., and/or storm out the room.
A huge tongue licked the screen as it came back to the 'Scheduled Program'. "Haalllooo!" Ed giddily shouted, "My name is-"
"What a freak, next!" What appeared to be a skeleton concealed in a black robe was sprawled out across a couch in front of a television set yelled. The skeleton sneezed before changing the channel.
"Anyone!?! I'm breaking the habit literally over here! Could someone help me! Some assistance would be helpful people!" Edd banged on the screen, holding up a sign that read 'Please Assist' every so often. He threw the sign down sometime later, and sprinted off screen.
"Crap!" Death(as if you couldn't tell!) threw the remote at the T.V. which somehow made it shut off. "I catch a freaking cold because I go to kill a penguin in the Polar Ice Caps! I'm a a freking skeleton - freaking Death for crying out loud! I don't catch colds! And messing with reality through this T.V. gets boring after five seconds!"
"Timothy! How many times do I have to tell you, no messing with reality when you get sick!"
"I'm not mom!" Death called. "Geez, I'm like 900 trillion years old for crying out loud!"
Somewhere in some secret hidden area no one knows about...
"We steal a government computer, and it doesn't even come with an 'Uncrap' for bootleg DVDs feature!"
"Shutup man, I'm tired of your whining! Besides, it took us like twenty-years of planning to steal that thing!"
"Y'know what?"
"What?"
"I don't know what."
PUNCH!
"What was that for!"
"For being a fricking idiot!"
"Okay!"
"I know what, screw this! Yeah! This random stuff makes me die inside from bashing myself for trying to understand it! I mean, it's like Bo7 for crying out loud! Just stop all this and go read a fricking book or something!"
"Dude, I don't even think we have names!"
"Screw everything! If you need me, I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off a 900 billion foot cliff."
"Okay, see ya when you get back!"
Back at Edd's room...
Eddy gave a baffled stare at the T.V. "I don't remember acting in that episode! In fact, I don't remember there being another episode! We weren't filming till the fall, and then we were going to tackle that movie!"
Ed glanced at the two. "Well, looks like there's only one way to end this stalled out chapter."
Edd rose an eyebrow. "How so?"
The trio turned to face the screen. "D'oh!" They said loudly with random facial expressions.
Okaaay, that was random... Anyway, read and review. Three reviews means a new chapter, so it's time for you readers to tackle your job - you've been slacking lately ;)
