HITTING BOTTOM

Thank you Judyg, for betaing.

Picking up where chapter 3 left off. By the end of the chapter, I think you will all see where we are headed.

CHAPTER 4

"You worry about what she said, that your career is tainted by me?"

"I used to."

"And now?"

"It's too late."

Eames' words linger between us, even as we move on to other cases. Have I tainted her career? Does she believe I have? Eames would make a good captain. But she told me once that she didn't take this job to get noticed. I have assumed that it was her choice not to take the sergeant's test, not to try for promotions. Is it possible that she simply doesn't try for promotions, thinking that she has no opportunity with me as a partner? How many lives have I tainted?

Mike sat in the uncomfortable chair, watching Sarah. She had drifted in and out of consciousness all day. The doctors had assured the family that there was no skull fracture and no serious injuries, but she did have a concussion and so they would keep her in the hospital for twenty-four hours. When she was awake, she was lucid, but complained that her head hurt. At least, that's what he had been told. Deakins had insisted Mike come to the hospital, but Mike had insisted her parents, her brother and sister, all of her family, take turns sitting with her because only two at a time were allowed in her room. This was the first time he had seen her and she had been asleep for the hour that he had been sitting there.

Mike was alone in her room. The others had finally gone to get something to eat. He looked at her face. Even with all the bruising and cuts, he thought she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He picked up her hand and caressed it. The thought of Sarah trapped in her car all night, scared and in pain, made him want to punch a hole in a wall. Or cry.

He wondered if he should leave before she woke up and saw him there. The last thing he wanted to do right now was upset her. Even though Deakins told him that she was calling for him, Mike wasn't sure that meant she would be happy to find him in her hospital room. He knew Sarah loved him, she had admitted that. But in spite of that, she had decided to break up with him. Just because she called for him in an unguarded moment didn't mean she had changed her mind.

"You were right."

Mike was startled out of his reverie at the sound of her voice, soft and weak. He looked up to find her watching him.

"Right about what," he asked, still holding her hand.

"Librarians do die."

Mike remembered the fight they had the night she broke up with him. He had tried to reason with her, reminding her that it wasn't only cops who died suddenly. Mike got up and moved to sit on her bed, still holding her hand.

"Maybe…except this librarian didn't die," he told her softly.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so stupid."

"Hey," he said, putting a finger under her chin and lifting her face so that she was looking at him. "You did a stupid thing…I'll give you that. But you stupid? Never."

Tears welled up in her dark eyes and slid down her cheeks. "Why are you here?"

"Because," he said with a grin, "your uncle threatened to kick my ass."

"Mike…" The tears were falling faster now.

"Sarah," Mike said seriously. Still holding her hand, he grasped her chin with his free hand and forced her to look at him. "Do you want me to leave? I don't want to make this hard for you….if you haven't changed your mind about us."

"But you said…."

"Forget what I said. I was stupid. Sarah…I love you and I will do whatever you want. If you want me to leave, I will. But if you want me to stay…." He grinned at her again. "Then stop giving me such a hard time."

Through her sobs Sarah said, "I…w…want…you…t…to…stay."

Mike leaned down and kissed her gently. Kicking off his shoes, he stretched out next to her on the bed and gathered her into his arms. He held her as she cried softly against his chest.

"I'm here, Sweetheart," he whispered against her hair. "I'm here…and I'm not going anywhere."

He held her until her crying was spent and she drifted off, once again, to sleep.

Sarah was released the next day. Mike stayed with her all night, over the objections of the nursing staff that he was not "family". But just as the head nurse was ready to call Security and have him removed, Annie had arrived and overruled the nurse. The nurse glared at him every time she went into Sarah's room, but didn't bother him.

The doctor advised that Sarah not be alone for a few days, so she went to stay with her parents. She was nervous about seeing Jia Li…actually, she was nervous about Jia Li seeing her. Sarah had gotten a look at herself in a mirror and winced…she was concerned that Jia Li would be frightened by the cuts and bruises on her face, as well as the long, ugly laceration on her scalp, above her left eye. The hair around it had been shaved so that they could suture it.

"I look like Frankenstein's bride," she complained to Mike. "Jia Li is going to be scared."

Mike laughed and kissed her, assuring her that Jia Li would be happy to have her home. And he was right. The little girl was startled when she saw her mother, but she held Sarah's face between her small hands and insisted on kissing each of her mother's "owies".

Two days after Sarah's accident, she called Mike at work.

"Lewis just called me," she told him. "Tony's….the car was towed to his garage. He…he says the insurance company will want to total it…th…that it's too badly damaged to be restored."

"I'm sorry, Sweetheart. I know how much that car means to you."

"L…Lewis wants me to c..come and see it. But…I don't think I can, Mike. I was wondering…."

"I'll go," he told her. "Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it."

"Thank you," she whispered.

Because Mike had never been to Lewis' garage before, Bobby offered to drive him there. When they arrived, Bobby and Lewis greeted one another and Bobby introduced him to Mike.

"OK, man," Lewis said. "It's back here behind the garage. I gotta warn you though…it ain't pretty."

That was an understatement. As they emerged from the back door of the garage, Mike saw the twisted heap of metal that was unrecognizable as the gleaming 1960 Cadillac Series 62 black convertible, with white top and red interior. The car that Sarah's deceased husband's grandfather bought brand new. The car that his grandfather had given to Tony on his sixteenth birthday. The car that Tony had loved and nurtured. The car that Sarah loved because of the memories it held of the husband she loved so much and lost too soon. But more than all of that, when Mike looked at the crumpled car, he wondered how it was possible for Sarah to live through a crash that did that kind of damage to the car.

"Are you alright, Logan?"

He heard Bobby's voice through a haze. Fighting the rising nausea, he turned to Lewis and asked where the bathroom was. He rushed in, thinking that he was going to vomit. He didn't, but he leaned his hands against the counter, head down and eyes closed, as images ran through his mind. Images of the car hitting the deer and crashing into a tree, of Sarah, trapped in the crumpled metal he had just looked at. After a few minutes, he took a deep breath and stood up straight. He splashed cold water onto his face and dried it with a paper towel before joining Bobby and Lewis.

"You alright, man," Bobby asked again.

"Yeah…yeah, I'm OK. My God, Goren….how did she survive that?"

"It's those old cars," Lewis offered. "All that heavy metal….I can't tell you how many of them I've seen like that. The car is demolished, but the driver walks away with minor injuries."

Mike nodded. He shook hands with Lewis as they left, and thanked him. He told him that he would let Sarah know that he was right and there was nothing he could do to restore the car. When he arrived at Sarah's parents' house later, the sight of her bruises and cuts made him nauseous again for a moment. He pulled her into his arms and held her for a long time without speaking. Sarah's parents managed to distract Jia Li and take her into the kitchen to finish preparing dinner while they gave Sarah and Mike some time alone. They sat on the sofa, Mike's arm around Sarah's shoulders as he explained that Lewis was right…the car was beyond repair.

"I feel like I let Tony down," Sarah said tearfully.

Mike pulled her close and told her, "Let me tell you something. I never met the man, but I can tell you without any doubt….Tony wouldn't have cared about that car. He would have been as happy as I am that you are alright. That's the only thing that matters to me and I know it's the only thing that would have mattered to him."

He held her as she cried, remembering that Annie had told him that a concussion could cause "emotional lability",

Mike went to see Sarah at her parents' house every evening when he got off work. The first night that Sarah and Jia Li went home to their own house, he brought dinner over for the three of them. After Jia Li was in bed, after she insisted that 'Tective Mike read her a bedtime story, Mike and Sarah sat on the sofa and "necked". It wouldn't go any further that night, Mike knew…not with Jia Li in the house. But he held her and relished the feel of her in his arms, the taste of her mouth, the scent of her hair. They kissed and whispered and touched one another for a long time before Sarah pulled back with a reluctant sigh.

"Mike, there's something I need to tell you."

"OK." This didn't sound good.

"Well, since we've been apart, I've been….well, I've been going to church."

Mike didn't know what he expected her to say, but this wasn't it.

"Church? You mean you've been going with Annie?"

"No, not with Annie…although I have been going to Annie's church. She was so busy with Bobby's mother that she hasn't been there in quite a while."

"But you've been going?"

"Yes. At first I went because Jia Li missed going with Annie and the kids, so I took her one week. And…I really liked it. I liked the people, I liked the music, I liked the things the pastor had to say. So we went back the next week, and the next. And…well, we've been going almost every week."

"So what are you saying? You've converted?"

Sarah shrugged. "I don't really know what that means. I just know that I like to go, and Jia Li likes to go….and…I didn't know what you would think about us attending church…you know…if you and I are together."

He frowned for a minute. "Are you planning to insist that I go?"

"No...no, nothing like that," she said, shaking her head. "I just know that you don't really like…religion. So if Jia Li and I are going to church…is that going to make you uncomfortable?"

Mike sat back and sighed. He stretched his arm along the back of the sofa and twirled a lock of Sarah's dark hair around his finger as he gave her question serious thought. Sarah watched him silently.

"You're right that I don't have any use for religion, and I'm not sure I even buy this whole God thing. But I know there are some churches and some religious people who do good things. I don't have anything against them or their beliefs…I just don't share them. Annie's a good example…hell of a great woman." He trailed his finger along her jaw line. "Sarah, if you and the Kidlet like going to church…I've got no problem with that. Did you think I would walk out on you just because you want to go to church?"

"The thought occurred to me," she said, tears filling her eyes.

He smiled and pulled her into his arms as her tears overflowed. He held her against his chest as she cried quietly, wondering how long she would continue to have these crying jags.

"I took Logan over to Lewis' garage the other day after work to see Sarah's car," Bobby told Annie one evening as they cleaned the kitchen after dinner.

"You did?" Annie tried not to show how surprised she was. It was becoming rare for Bobby to share things about his day with her. "How did it look?"

He shook his head sadly. "It's completely destroyed. I thought Logan was going to get sick when he saw it, and I understand why. It's unbelievable that she survived something like that with just a few cuts and bruises."

She smiled teasingly. "You mean…it was a miracle?"

Her smile faltered as his serious expression stared back at her. "I doubt that."

"Umm…Bobby," she said as he turned away to finish loading the dishwasher. He looked at her without answering, waiting for her to continue. "I…I think I should tell you something. The day that Sarah was brought into the hospital, she was drifting in and out of consciousness and she was calling for Mike. But when I asked her if she wanted me to call him, she said she didn't want me to. And I didn't, but…."

"But?"

"Well…I told Captain Deakins and he went and got Mike."

She waited for his reaction, remembering how many arguments they had about her interfering. Remembering how angrily he had accused her of thinking she knew what was best for everyone.

"Well," Bobby said thoughtfully. "It seems like everything worked out."

He turned and resumed putting dishes in the dishwasher. Annie wasn't sure whether to be relieved or concerned. Did he think she had done the right thing…or did he just not care anymore?

The weekend following Sarah's accident, Jia Li spent the weekend with her paternal grandparents, and Mike spent the weekend with Sarah. Truly alone with her at last, Mike told her about Holly/Kathleen…the neighbor he had met while they were apart, sharing one evening with her, one kiss, and the prospect of more, before she committed suicide.

"Were you in love with her?"

Mike shook his head. "I was in love with you. I didn't know if I would ever be able to love anyone else, but Kathleen was special and I wanted to find out."

"That poor woman," Sarah said softly as tears slid down her cheeks. "She must have been so afraid and in so much pain to take her own life."

Mike smiled and pulled her into his arms. He wondered if her tears were from compassion or a residual effect of the concussion. It seemed as though she had cried every day since the accident.

Lying in her bed, kissing her, he gently pulled her clothes off and saw for the first time the bruises on the rest of her body. The sight of the bruises, many now fading to a sickly yellow, was almost more than he could bear. This time it was Mike who was nearly in tears.

"I know it looks ugly," Sarah said, seeing his expression and trying to cover herself with the sheet. "We don't have to…"

"Sarah…" Mike gently pried the sheet from her hands. "I'm upset thinking about the pain you must have gone through. You could never be ugly to me, and I want you just as much as I ever have. But I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't," she whispered, reaching for him.

Pushing her back onto the bed, Mike kissed each and every bruise before making gentle love to her. Later, as Sarah snuggled sleepily against him, he kissed the top of her head.

"So…uh…what about this whole church thing? Don't they kind of frown on sex?"

"Maybe," she admitted. "I don't know yet what all of their beliefs are, and I don't know what I think or believe about them." She raised her head and looked up at him. "But I do know how I feel about you…and what I think and believe about being here with you."

He looked at her for a moment before covering her mouth with his and kissing her hungrily.

Two weeks after the accident, Mike arrived at Sarah's house after work for dinner. He had brought a surprise guest.

"A dog," squealed Jia Li as Marvin knocked her over and began licking her face. "Is he for me, 'Tective Mike?"

"Whoa…wait a minute, Kidlet," Mike told her, laughing as the little girl kept one arm firmly around the big dog's neck as the dog continued licking her. "This is Marvin, and he is my dog. I wanted to introduce you and see how you two would get along."

"We love each other!"

"Mike…what have you done?"

Mike looked up to find Sarah standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Can I take Marvin outside to play, Mommy?"

"I think that's a good idea," Mike said. He walked Jia Li and Marvin to the back door and threw the ball he had brought. Jia Li laughed and clapped her hands as the dog shot across the yard after the ball. Closing the door, he turned to face Sarah. "Well, that will keep them busy for a while. Marvin will play all night long, if Jia Li doesn't get tired first."

"Mike…"

"I'm sorry…" He held his hands up in a placating manner. "I should have told you about Marvin before springing him on you."

"Marvin? Where did you get him…and when?"

"He belonged to Kathleen…the woman I told you about. After she…after she died, I took the dog until her family could come for him. But her family wasn't able to keep him and they were going to find a home for him. So…I kept him."

"Why? I don't remember you ever saying you wanted a dog."

"I never did. I guess I just suddenly realized…how empty my apartment was."

"Oh, Mike…" Sarah put her arms around him. "I'm so sorry."

"Hey…no more apologies," he whispered against her lips.

They stood at the window and watched Jia Li playing with the dog, who was running in circles, barking happily.

"He's kind of big for an apartment, isn't he," asked Sarah.

"Yeah, well…I take him for walks and take him to the dog park. He acts just like that when I do. I don't think Kathleen lived in an apartment when she got him…but he seems to be adjusting."

"Maybe…maybe a house with a backyard would be better for him."

"Maybe," Mike said softly, leaning down to kiss her. "Are you sure about that?"

"Well, Jia Li loves him already. And if he's going to be alone while you are at work, he might as well be in a backyard where he can play." She smiled at him. "You'll come to visit him, won't you?"

"All the time."

"And you'll clean up after him?"

"Yeah..that, too," he chuckled.

"But…what about your empty apartment?"

"I don't think it was the apartment that was empty," he said softly. "I think it was my life. And that doesn't seem to be much of a problem anymore."

"You're distracted," Tom accused as they walked through the house. It was the fifth one they had looked at on a crisp autumn day.

"Sorry…it's a lovely house."

"Nice try," Tom told her with a grin.

"It really is lovely."

"But not The One?"

"No…not The One. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize. It's going to be our home…it has to be right."

After telling the disappointed realtor that they would not be making a bid on the house and that they were done looking for the day, he suggested they stop for dinner on the way home. Once they were settled in a booth, a beer in front of each of them, and had ordered their food, Tom reached across the table to take her hand.

"So, what's up? I know your distraction is about more than looking for just the right house. What's going on?"

"I'm worried about Bobby," she said with a sigh. "I know it's not easy to get over the death of a parent, especially when you have the baggage that Bobby and his mother had. But it's been months now and he's still…not himself."

"Not himself how?"

She shook her head. "It's hard to say, exactly. He's still quiet…depressed, I guess. But there's more. He's always had a different way of interrogation, but he was always in control. When he dumped a perp into the ocean, I just chalked it up to disgust…and maybe lack of sleep. But then, just the other day, he did something with another suspect that shook me. He hurt and threatened this old man…not even to get a confession to the crime, which would have been bad enough…that's not Bobby. But to get him to admit he was a fraud." Alex shook her head again. "It just isn't the same controlled Bobby working a perp to get a confession…it's like his control is slipping and humiliation isn't part of his plan to extract a confession. Humiliating these guys seems to be…personal for him."

"You think he's dangerous?"

"I think if he doesn't watch himself, he's going to end up with an excessive force charge. But that's not all…do you remember that case we had over the summer with the tainted mouthwash?" When Tom nodded, Alex continued. "Bobby met with our perp alone…twice. And he didn't tell me about it; I found out after the fact. We hadn't even made her as a suspect at the time, but that just isn't Bobby. He may not always tell me what's going on at home…but on a case? He doesn't keep things from me."

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"Not directly…I've tried to ask him subtlety what's going on with him. But he's not talking. I've even thought about talking to Annie about it, but I don't know how they are doing now that they are back together and I don't want to cause any problems between them."

Tom lifted her hand and kissed the palm. "So what are you going to do, Detective?"

"I don't know…just keep an eye on him, I guess, and hope he works through this soon. Meanwhile," she said, pulling brochures out of her purse. "I think I'm going to enjoy dinner and discuss house hunting with my fiancée." She pushed one brochure across the table. "I know I'm being really picky…but the first one we looked at today has possibilities."

Tom grinned at her as he reached for the brochure. "Yeah, I liked it, too. And we can keep it in mind. But unless we know for sure that it's The One, we'll keep looking. OK?"

"OK. Have I mentioned lately that I love you?"

"Yeah, you have…but you know, it never gets old."

Annie frowned with curiosity as she put Bobby's laundry away in his dresser. She turned to him as he entered the bedroom.

"Bobby? Why is this brick on your dresser?"

"Oh…I…uh…I bought it from a homeless guy the other day."

"You bought it?"

Bobby shrugged. "He needed money…he was panhandling. And he had that brick, kind of intimidating people who walked by. He was scaring people. So…I bought it from him."

"And brought it home to decorate the bedroom," she asked with a smile.

"It's…it's just a reminder. That life is tough for some people."

Annie nodded, although she wasn't sure she really understood. It seemed like she hadn't really understood Bobby for a long time. It had been five months since his mother's death but still he was quiet and withdrawn, sharing little about his feelings or thoughts. The summer had passed, the children were back in school, she and Bobby went to their jobs, everything looked normal…from the outside. She wondered, not for the first time, if things would ever be "normal" again…unsure, even, of what that word meant anymore.

Over the next few days, Bobby seemed more distant than ever. He came home very late a couple of nights, telling her that he and Alex had to go upstate to interview witnesses. If he was immersed in a difficult case, that explained his behavior somewhat. His focus was such that he tended to withdraw into himself, working out facts and details in his head as he tried to unravel the mystery. There was a time, however, that he would have told her about it. At least, he would have told her some of the bare facts, what he was working on, even if he didn't go into too much detail. Then one day he stopped at the hospital and went to her office to tell her that he would be away for a few days.

"You're going undercover? You haven't done that in a long time. For how long?"

"I don't know," Bobby told her. "A week...two…maybe more."

"More than two weeks?"

"It's a big one."

"You'll miss Halloween."

"I know…tell the kids…tell them I'm sorry."

"OK, well…" She reached for a pen. "What is your captain's contact number…in case there's a emergency."

Bobby shook his head. "If there's an emergency, just call Eames."

"She isn't going with you?"

"No. She's my contact. So..if you need anything, if there's an emergency, call Eames and she will know how to contact me."

"OK." She got up and moved around the desk, putting her arms around his waist. "Be careful, Bobby."

His arms wrapped around her and pulled her tightly against him. He leaned down and kissed her for a long time, leaving her breathless.

"I love you, Annie," he whispered hoarsely.

"I love you, too, Bobby."

Then, with one last kiss, he was gone. It wasn't until Annie was getting ready for bed that night that she noticed the brick on his dresser was gone. She wondered for a moment why he had taken it, and then thought that he must have decided to drop it at a construction site. Sighing, Annie climbed into bed and curled herself around Bobby's pillow, burying her face and inhaling his scent as she whispered a prayer for his safety.

End chapter 4

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