A/N: Incredibly sorry it's taken me- nearly three months- so long to update. But I have genuinely been busy with RL. I hope it's worth the wait, anyway.
I keep having dreams. None are as awful as the ones where I don't care, but they're bad enough. There's one, in particular- a sort of recurring dream. I say "sort of" because it's not exactly the same- but it's a recurring motif. I lose the baby- literally lose the baby, like you would misplace an earring or a DVD- and no-one will help me. No-one even notices the baby is missing because they never knew the baby was born. Chandler occasionally will look under the sofa, behind the door, in the closets- asking the whole time what sort of mother loses her baby, anyway- and comes up empty-handed. I cry my eyes out and Rachel- or Ross or Joey or Phoebe- will ask what the problem is. I tell them. They always reply, condescendingly, that I don't have baby and never will. This, rather unsurprisingly, doesn't make me feel any better. I always wake up, fumbling to touch my slight bump, make sure it's still there. There is always a feeling of loss. And a one of guilt, but that feeling has nothing to do with the baby.
Chandler has been saying since we found out that we should tell everyone- he can barely contain his excitement. I've told my mother, just to shut her up about the lack of grandchildren on my part- though how she quite keeps herself from telling Ross, I'll never know - while Chandler refuses to tell his, as his mother will insist on visiting and his father will send little pink garments, regardless of the sex of the baby. Everyone else we know has no idea. I know I'll have to tell Alessandro's soon, so I can book my maternity leave, but I'm dreading doing even that. Never mind telling the people I love most in the world. I like it being a secret, in a way- it reminds me of the beginning of our relationship. It has to be done, but it feels like going against a superstition. I've never broken a mirror in my life, and this feels like the secret equivalent of that. It's ridiculous, but it feels like bad luck. We've had enough of that for one lifetime, I think. Part of me remembers how I screamed my engagement from the rooftops- well, the balcony- and feels a little ashamed.
"Chandler..." I say and it feels like there is something lodged in my throat.
"Yes, Mommy?"
"I've told you to stop saying that. It's creepy."
"What is it, Monny?"
"That's even creepier," I reply, fake-shuddering. "I was thinking..."
"Always a terrible thing when you're pregnant. It's bad for your fragile pregnant neurons."
"Shut up. Look, I think we should tell everyone."
His eyebrows shoot up, his smile broadens. "Really? When?" he pauses, his eyes narrowing. "Unless you're thinking of running off and telling them over the phone?"
"This week. And running away doesn't solve anything," she says. "Unless you approve..."
"I don't."
"Okay, then. How about tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow?"
"Let's get it out there. Get it over with. Everyone's gonna be mad at us if we keep it any longer."
"They're gonna be mad we didn't tell them at the moment of conception."
"Actually, I'm pretty sure Rachel saw the moment of conception."
"We were idiots to get adjoining rooms."
"Never again."
Gathering everyone together is harder than it used to be. Phoebe is practically Mike's Siamese twin since the proposal, Ross is either with Charlie or teaching, Joey and Rachel are buried in work. Stuff is already changing, I realize. Everyone's growing-up, anyway- this revelation isn't going to tear everything apart. The gang is drifting apart, already. Chandler and I getting married and Rachel having Emma barely changed anything. It's just that this announcement is conveniently timed at a time when everyone is off, having lives, so it feels more group-altering than it actually is. The nerves won't go away, though. My hands are shaking the tiniest bit.
Everyone gets here eventually. They sit, with the anxious expressions of someone who has not used a coaster when putting a drink down. I only called a meeting for that once. Well, I say "they"- Phoebe and Ross look concerned. Rachel looks content, but slightly smug, and Joey seems unconcerned with the whole thing. It's possible that Joey doesn't know anything about it, but his ignorance seems a little forced. He is an awful actor and Rachel is a terrible secret-keeper, which isn't the best of combinations when you're trying to keeps secrets. I try to stop myself from rolling my eyes. "Okay, Chandler and I..." I pause, for a moment, and Rachel's tiny smile widens. "Chandler and I got you guys here to tell you... we're having a baby."
The room explodes with noise- that's the only way to describe it. It goes from complete silence except my voice to yells of joy and congratulations and- I'm pretty sure- Rachel whispering "I told you so". Everyone is hugging me and Chandler, before I warn them that it's probably not good for the baby, so they resort to hugging Chandler twice as hard and Joey lifts him off the ground with his happiness. I feel a little sick from it all- my head is swimming from the noise and joy. I creep out unnoticed while Chandler is loudly explaining how we're having a "miracle baby"- which is a bit of an exaggeration, but one that I'll allow. I go to the balcony, with no temptation to shout it off. I'm tempted to flail my arms about a bit so this is what it looks like, but I haven't the energy. Instead, I slump against the window, with my arms wrapped protectively around my stomach. It takes five minutes before anyone realizes I'm gone. Normally, I'd be insulted, but with all the excitement, I don't mind. Besides, it's nice to be out here, away from all the noise and fuss. Which is something I never thought I'd say.
"Mon?" It's Rachel. "What're you doing out here? It's freezing."
I haven't noticed. "I just... it was too much."
"I get it. You know, as the pregnancy wears on you get less and less able to deal with social situations. It's true. I swear, without a bit of restraint, I would've literally bitten Ross's head off at the end of the pregnancy."
"It's not just that. I just feel like I've been thrown in the pool at the deep end."
"And I wasn't?" Rachel exclaims, incredulously. "You were married and trying for a baby."
"Are we playing "Whose pregnancy is worse?" Because you win!"
"I'm just saying," Rachel says, carefully, "that I understand what you're going through."
"Yeah, I know. Sorry... just... overwhelmed."
"I know you're scared, Mon."
"I'm not scared of having a baby. I've wanted a baby since I was fourteen."
"Yeah. You're scared of losing one," she says, her voice barely more than a whisper. "Everyone knows, now, so if you lose the baby, it's going to hurt everyone- not just you and Chandler."
I hang my head, to avoid her eye. "I'm not going to lose a baby."
"You don't believe that," she says, her voice still barely a caress of breath against my ear. "Mon, have a little faith. Trust me, people like you and Chandler... it always works out in the end. It has to work out."
The certainty in her voice is extremely reassuring. She's right. I hate it when she's right. "Did you know?"
"What? That you'd be scared? I'm not psychic, Mon."
"You know what I mean. When I came over, upset over Chandler a couple of days ago... did you know?"
"Um, sort of. I guess... I got the feeling."
"You told Joey, didn't you?"
"He tortured it out of me! He threatened to make me watch the Die Hard trilogy. And I knew you'd be telling us eventually and I couldn't go through that again, Mon! I just couldn't."
I smile. "I understand. Chandler got out of housework for a week using that."
"Only a week? God, you're a stronger woman than me."
"I hid the DVDs. Let's just say, I got to put my feet up for a couple of weeks. Relatively speaking. He can't do anything right..."
"You ended up doing it all, didn't you?"
"It made my vein come out, Rach! My forehead vein is not attractive."
Rachel chuckles. "Are you coming in? Everyone's calmed down now."
"Just give me a minute."
"Yeah. Mon, it is going to be all right."
I look out into the dark night. I wish there were stars on the New York skyline to wish on- not that it helps, but it would be nice. "Yeah, I know."
TBC
Sorry for the short chapter. I just really, really needed to get back into the spirit of things and get this up. Sorry about the lack of Mondler in this one- plenty in the next part to make up for it! Oh, and thanks to all the people who have favourited this story and/or have it on alert. Thank-you! Though, I would like it if you're favouriting/alerting it to review, just to say what you liked about it. Most people did, but a couple didn't and I'd love to hear their opinions on it! But, to be honest, I've gotten a lot more reviews than I thought I would, and I'm so, so happy to receive them. I do read them all and appreciate it SO much.
By the way, if anyone has any requests for one-shot fics- I'm bored and have got way too much time on my hands. I will write any pairing (no slash, though- I've got nothing against it, I just can't write it) and any friendship. Just for some inspiration!
