AN: Well there is just no winning with chapter titles eh? I guess I'll have to make peace with that. It's either this or Hoth pt. 1 Thank you as always to aewgliriel for the Star Wars knowhow and for telling me this chapter needed some more Leia.
And enjoy the double update because I'm terrible at crossposting.
Chapter 4: Leaving(Han/Leia)
"Things change," Daja said softly. "We change with them.
We sail before the wind. We become adults.
As adults, we keep our minds and our secrets hidden, and our wounds.
It's safer."
― Tamora Pierce, The Will of the Empress
The problem is that he likes them. All of them.
Even Cassian.
The man might be a stick in the mud, but it's hard to hate the guy who makes Jyn light up with his very presence. And it's not hard to see the feeling is mutual. When Cassian's on base the pair of them are practically glued together.
When he's not around Jyn is noticeably… Just sadder.
And this is how he ends up spending a lot more time with her while Cassian's away. He tries to justify it to himself. Watching her mope around is annoying. When he tries to talk to Chewie about it, Chewie tells him that he's annoying.
Chewie is very unsympathetic to his problems.
The plight of all these nice people rubbing off on him . If any of his former colleagues knew that he's been spending the last year and some do-gooding around the galaxy with the Rebellion his reputation would be shot. Nobody would ever take him seriously again or want to work with him.
He doesn't want to admit that he likes doing the good stuff. Smuggling supplies to planets that have been cut off by the Empire or smuggling people that are being hunted by the Empire. It feels nice to do good things for once and that galls him .
Then there are the kids. Luke and Bodhi are good kids, although watching their little dance makes Han want to bang their heads together. (He doesn't because they both have some baggage or so he's learned over time. So he just bites his tongue and says nothing about how clearly smitten they are with each other)
He likes the old men too. Baze was a particular surprise given their first introduction, but he can match Han drink for drink and he plays a mean hand of Sabacc. Chirrut is… Odd. He reminds Han a little bit of that Kenobi in the roundabout way he speaks, but he's got a keen eye for noticing things in spite of being blind. He's even helped Han not stick his foot in his mouth a few times. Somehow he knows how to smooth over any situation and for whatever reason, he chooses to help Han out from time to time.
That time to time is usually when Leia is around.
Stars, he does not know what to do with that girl.
Talking with her is like navigating an asteroid field and sometimes he wishes he liked her less.
It's not just that she's beautiful (which she is), it's that she's radiant. Her presence seems to fill up a room and she's so goddamn capable.
Han's been in relationships before. He likes to think he understands women.
But Leia is inscrutable.
Sometimes he thinks that she might actually like him and sometimes he thinks that she can't stand him.
He would really like to have some clarity on that before he tried to actively pursue her, because if she doesn't like him then he would be gone like a shot. He's not interested in making a woman like him.
The problem is that he can't figure her out.
If she did like him, he would absolutely try to… Y'know… woo her.
He does flirt a lot, but that's more of an attempt to test the water than anything else.
He also argues with her a lot because she is the most stubborn person he's ever met and sometimes she annoys the hell out of him.
(He doesn't want to admit that he kind of enjoys that stuff too, because he's got it bad )
Of course the biggest problem of all is that no matter how much he likes everybody, he's getting paid good credits and he's been watching his accounts fill up and he has debts to pay.
He needs to go.
And he doesn't want to, but the more time passes, the more he finds himself imagining the wrong guys catching wind of where he is and coming here to Hoth. That would end badly for just about everybody he likes.
It would be much easier if he left and paid them.
He wonders if he would be allowed back in so easily or his vacancy would be filled in an instant.
He wonders if they would take him back if he tried to come back.
And it's not just the Rebellion he means.
He wonders if he could come back at all.
It would be so much easier if he didn't like them.
He talked to Chewie about it first, because Chewie obviously enjoys it here with the rest of them. He seems to have a particular affinity for Jyn and Bodhi (and also that Shara Bey, who still mystifies him), but Chewie does seem to like everybody in their little group and so it was only fair to discuss it with him first.
Chewie said if Han had to go he would go with him, and Han thanks his stars that he's at least got the wookiee with him. Piloting the Millennium Falcon alone would be difficult for a variety of reasons.
But he's only talked to Chewie about it.
Every day that passes feels like reaching an ill defined deadline when bounty hunters start banging on his door.
He'll have to tell them sooner or later he thinks as he walks through the hangar one day. Luke is out on a scouting run because apparently just being a pilot isn't interesting enough for him. He dragged Han and Bodhi into placing some sensors out there and Han's done his bit.
(Frankly Hoth is so cold it's practically offensive, he placed those sensors with all possible speed)
Luke checks in to tell them the obvious, he didn't pick up any life readings, because nothing living will stay that way for long on Hoth. Luke says something about checking out a meteorite before signing off and that's the last Han thinks of it.
He decides to talk to General Rieekan first about leaving. Maybe not the best approach, but definitely the easiest. The fact that Leia's nearby and hears the whole thing saves him from explaining it to her directly because he's a coward.
"There's a price on my head. If I don't pay off Jabba the Hut, I'm a dead man," he tells the general, an older looking man with salt and pepper hair.
"A death mark's not an easy thing to live with," the general says clearly a little distracted by the monitor he's looking at. But he looks away to meet Han's eyes directly and sticks out his hand to shake, "You're a good fighter, Solo. I hate to lose you."
And Han shakes his hand and says thank you, because he's learned to be polite around these people. The general moves on and he sees Leia turn to look at him. She's got that icy aloof thing in her eyes and the tightness in her mouth and he can only think to cut this off at the pass. Now that she's heard everything he can skip to the goodbyes and maybe that will be easier.
"Well, Your Highness, I guess this is it," he says and she looks at him coolly.
"That's right."
It's uncomfortable. This whole thing is uncomfortable and the only thing he can do is escape this shipwreck of a conversation.
"Well, don't get all mushy on me. So long, Princess."
And he turns on his heel and walks away thinking that went about as well as could be expected and also his entire life is a travesty.
Leia really hates that stupid, selfish man sometimes, but she has bigger concerns. She worries how Jyn might feel about this, or Luke. They both seem so attached to the smuggler. Even Bodhi seems to like him more than is warranted with a man like that. And everybody likes Chewie who will probably go with him and the Rebellion will be down two capable members when they already have none to spare.
The whole thing is exasperating in the extreme.
She has a half a mind to chase him down the hallway and tell him what's what, but she knows what a waste of her time that would be.
She doesn't particularly want to think about what his absence will feel like either.
It's been two years since Alderaan was destroyed. Two years since she was captured by the Empire and set free, by Han among others.
She knows it was not his intent to rescue a princess when they got caught in a tractor beam, but that is what he did.
She's not sure why disappointment hurts that much more when it's from him, but it cuts her like a knife. He's done so much over the last two years that was good. She's seen the way he is with Luke or Jyn. She wants to believe he's grown with the passage of time, even though she saw good in him almost from the start.
She remembers the man who refused to leave Yavin in spite of the doom impending, until he had seen that Jyn was okay. She remembers the man who came back at their most dire moment and helped save the day. She knows there is a good person in there and it hurts all the more to see him act this way in spite of that.
Disappointing.
That is the word.
In the last two years she's had plenty to occupy her, not long after they arrived on Hoth she was officially made a member or the Alliance Council. Most of her days are eaten up by overseeing matters of grave importance. Any moment she can spend with the others (Even Han) is a breath of fresh air. A moment she can just lean back and enjoy the present whether she's drinking with them at the cantina or all they're all squished into somebody's quarters playing cards. None of them seem to care much about what the activity is, as long as they all are together for it.
She feels the same.
Two years since Alderaan.
Two years where she learned to recognize the ache in her chest that never really went away. It would simply fade to a bearable level and then flare up like an old war wound. Like scarred tissue that will never fully heal.
Many of the others have a similar look to them. They have all lost homes, and some of them have lost planets.
Baze and Chirrut have seen much in their lives, they do not readily display their pain. Or perhaps they've gone through so much that they have learned how to make peace with tragedy.
But Bodhi is like her. Sometimes that loss sits on the surface and she can see it in his eyes. He must be able to see it in hers.
They both lost family and a home with one push of a button.
The shock has long since worn off. It's easy now to say her parents are dead and Alderaan is gone. Enough time has passed that she can state those facts without breaking.
But there are still nights when she wakes up and forgets.
For an instant, she forgets that her parents are dead and her home is nothing but dust.
For an instant, she forgets.
But then, like always…
...She remembers.
Maybe one day she will wake up and not have to remember the death of a planet. Maybe eventually the facts of it will stick and become a part of her reality. Something she knows, not just intellectually, but in her heart as well.
That day hasn't come yet.
She hasn't talked to any of them about the tears that are shed alone in the dark of her room at night. But there are mornings she might catch Bodhi or Jyn or Luke in the mess hall. She wonders if they can see it on her face.
She can certainly see it on them.
She can always tell whose sleep was haunted by ghosts.
She thinks Han might be the only one of them who isn't haunted. Or if he is, his ghosts are old enough that they don't bother him on a regular basis. She envies him for that.
She is pulled from her thoughts when Bodhi comes running into the command center. He immediately slows to a calmer pace, but makes a beeline for Leia looking distinctly unsettles.
"Sergeant Rook, what is it?" she asks him. In the command center she prefers to sound formal. When they're both off duty they're on a first name basis.
"Have you s-seen Luke?" Bodhi asked and Leia frowned.
"I thought he went out to scout around the base and place sensors with you and Han," Leia says.
"He did, b-but he went to check on a meteorite or s-something and I haven't heard from him since." Bodhi says sounding a little breathless.
"Have you checked in with Han?" Leia asks and Bodhi's eyes widen a little further.
"N-no I haven't," and with that the pilot bolts before she can tell him to wait while she comms the smuggler.
Staring after Bodhi she feels a new worry twisting in her chest. He might be headed that way, but for her own peace of mind, she sends a comm at the smuggler anyway.
There is no response and she shuts of her own communicator feeling a fresh wave of disappointment and gritting her teeth.
It's always the disappointment that cuts deepest.
AN: So Han caught a case of the feelings and Leia needs a forever hug.
You may notice some...shall we say rewriting of the Han/Leia dynamic? The essence is the same but the 80s were a different time and all that.
Anyway enjoy the new chapter, I struggled with it a lot.
