ROV

And the axe didn´t fell on the first day. Everybody were exhausted of being on the lookout for 24 hours and the atmosphere got only denser as the sun rose. Even I felt grumpy and desperate. Waiting was excruciating. You know something bad was about to happen and you just had to wait for it. Calm before the storm. I guess that was part of Tasha´s plan as well.

I stayed at my post for little while longer before heading home. Dimitri was already there as I opened the door. "Hey…"

"Anything?" He asked joining me at the kitchen.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing." I sigh before taking a glass of water.

We head back to the tv. Some kind of movie in on. Western no doubt. I make myself comfortable in Dimitri´s arm but can´t really pay attention to the movie. Dimitri absentmindedly drawn some circles in my arms with his thumb. He too seems absent. But somehow even with our worried minds, this moment seems calm and adequate. Just me and him, trying to relax.

Dimitri gently places a kiss to my shoulder. There nothing really hot or sexy about that kiss. It only shows comfort and understanding, and I can´t help to think about those little tests at the bathrooms bin. If I tell him now, it´ll only make him worry more. And he most definitely will make me stand down from the fight. Then again, I haft to take into consideration that our baby could get killed in battle. And I would never forgive myself for that. But then again, the sense of duty is so strong.

It takes me almost the whole movie to decide. And just maybe, maybe, sometimes I should put myself before others. And by myself, I mean the baby. My life isn´t worth more than any other´s. But as a mother… It just feels wrong to not put my child first. I will not be like my mother and put others before my kid. No. That´s why I have to tell Dimitri. "Comrade…?"

"Yes?" He leans forward to look into my eyes.

My tonguage feels like lead and my heart starts to race. I think Dimitri noticed that because he starts to get up from the couch. "No." I tell him snugly and make him lie down again. "I need to tell you something…"

"What is it?" He asks quietly, almost like he can sense that whatever I am about to say will change thing for good. With shaking hands, I take hold of his hand and place it on my stomach. For a while, he just stares at our hands. Then he slowly lifts his gaze and meets mine. "You are…"

"…pregnant." I finish his tentative sentence. I try so hard to read his face, but the mask that he wears so good is back on. We both stay silent for a while more until he finally asks. "Is it Adrian´s?"

"What?! Of course not! Adrian is with Sydney!" That´s his first reaction!

"Then who´s? Christian is out of the question since you wouldn´t do that to Lissa. Jesse?!" He starts to get impatient.

"God no! It´s not Christian´s and most definitely is not Jesse´s! I don´t sleep with my friend or enemies! It´s yours!" How can he even for a second think that I would cheat on him! He seems to realise his mistake. I push his hands away and rise from the couch.

"Roza! I am –" He starts but I interrupt him before he can insult me any further.

"You really think that I would do something like that, hu?!" I ask almost yell.

"I didn´t know what to think… Roza, you know that I would do anything to have a family with you. But that is impossible…" He tries to get the hold of my hands. I let him but still keep my angry gaze at the wall next to me. "Look at me please…"

And I do as asked. I turn my angry gaze at him and open my mouth to give him a piece of my mind. But what I see stops me. His eyes, those rich brown eyes are full sorrow and fatigue. "I love you with everything I have… "

"But…?" I can sense it coming.

"This… This is really hard to take in, Roza. I… I just…" He tries to say and rubs his forehead.

"You think I´m lying." It´s not a question. I knew it. I try to hold back the tears and stand my ground.

"I need time.." He whispers but doesn´t let go of my hand.

"Fine.." That´s really all I can say. It´s not like I can make him understand and accept this instantly. If time is what he needs, I guess that´s what I need to give him. So slowly I let go of his hands and I can see the hurt and the pain in his eyes. I wonder what my face looks like. At least my heart feels like breaking into tiny little pieces. I know that this is not the end and we will sort things out. We have been thought harder things than a little time-out. But it still hurts nevertheless.

Silently I turn around and head towards the bedroom. Slowly I sit down on the bed and stare at my feet. Breathing in and out. Just breathing. My mind seems numb. This is not how I imagines this conversation going. I didn´t think Dimitri would kiss me and proclaim his undying love for me but this. This feels like a rejection. Is he rejection the baby or just me? I don´t know. I don´t know what to think. I´m just tired. So I let myself fall backwards on the bed and drift to sleep.