Thank you all again for reading! Whether good or bad, I value every review that I get! Also, I respond to PM if any of you have a question you'd like to ask me personally or anything you'd like to say in private. I've talked to a few of you, and I'm open to talking to more :) I'm going to be dropping the rating by one spot. The story is developing more and I don't forsee any immediate scenes that call for the M rating. Sorry if that bums anyone out, but my other two stories deserve the M rating for sure so you can check those out ;) That being said, there will be some swearing and sexual content still. Thanks again for reading, guys!
*This chapter is just a smidge shorter than the other ones, but I'll make up for that soon!
Chapter 4-
Ring! Ring! Tara's phone rang out, cutting Lana off mid-sentence. She had just been about to drop the big news about Jax being the baby's father when she had been interrupted by the incoming call. Tara's brow furrowed as she looked to see who was calling, "I'm sorry. It's Jax, he's coming to pick up Thomas to take him to Gemma's. I was supposed to let him know where I was...hello?"
Lana sat motionless. She could feel the knot in her tummy tightening just thinking about what she had just been ready to admit out loud, and suddenly she had the overwhelming urge to puke. She scrambled from the booth and made her way toward the bathroom, brushing off Tara's worried look by mouthing "it's ok." She had barely locked the door before the nausea really began. She felt dizzy and hot, and the room started to spin immediately.
She dropped to her knees and immediately began rocking back and forth. She knew this wasn't morning sickness, but rather her guilt kicking her in the ass. She had just been about to tell Tara her secret, confident that it had been the right thing to do...now, however, she felt she couldn't do it. The thought of telling Tara what she had done ripped through her and she didn't think she could go through with it today. Especially with Jax on his way to the diner to pick up Thomas.
She didn't throw up, only felt like it for what seemed like hours, but was only a few minutes. She slowly lifted herself from the floor and dusted off her knees, splashed her face with cold water, and made her way back to the little corner booth.
Tara was off the phone and was working on packing up Thomas and his belongings. "Hey, you alright? Suddenly you went pale as a ghost." Lana smiled weakly, "Yeah, I'm sorry...I just, I've been getting sick a lot." Tara laughed a little, "it's just beginning. With Thomas, every morning when I woke up I had to eat some saltines and drink a glass of ginger ale. It's hard right now, but morning sickness typically doesn't last to term." Lana wanted to tell Tara it wasn't morning sickness. She wanted to scream that it was her guilt and beg Tara to forgive her, but instead she thanked her for her advice and made small talk until Jax arrived.
"What were you saying? Before Jax called...?" Tara asked earnestly. Lana took a big gulp of water, trying to keep herself calm enough to function and not cause alarm. Her hormones were already scrambled as it was, and her emotions were completely out of whack. She shook her head, "nothing. It was nothing...I can't even remember." She had committed to not telling Tara right now while she had been in the bathroom. She couldn't avoid it forever, but she just couldn't do it. There was someone else she needed to talk to first, and she was heading there after she left the diner.
Tara looked skeptical but chose to just nod her head in response, "ok, well...regardless, I'm sure Jax will let me give you some of the boys' old things. You're going to need a crib, and theirs is still in great condition." Lana shook her head, "you can't tell Jax that I'm pregnant. He can't find out." The skeptical look returned to Tara's face, "why can't I tell Jax?" Lana's mouth went dry. 'Shit' she thought, thinking fast she responded "because...I don't need the whole town finding out about this yet." "Lana, he'd probably only tell the club...maybe, he probably wouldn't mind to it much at all actually."
Just then the little bell on the front door signaled someones arrival. Tara's back was facing the door, but Lana saw with perfect clarity as the subject of their discussion came strolling into the diner. He was wearing a white and black flannel and wasn't donning his typical leather motorcycle kutte. Lana felt her face grow red. It wasn't red with lust, although she did note that he looked good like always, but rather at embarrassment for what she had done and anger at the outcome of it. This was the first time she had seen Jax since the night she had told him that they couldn't keep up their affair, but more importantly since she had found out about her pregnancy. His eyes met hers over Tara's shoulder, and the knot returned to her tummy.
"Just please, Tara...don't say anything," Lana whispered as Jax approached their booth. Tara frowned, but quickly glanced up at her husband as he reached them. "Hey," Tara smiled as Jax leaned in to give his wife a small kiss. "Hey," he replied before looking at Lana and nodding his head in her direction in greeting. She looked down, opting to peek at him through her lashes. Tara didn't seem to notice the awkward exchange, and instead began to hand over the baby's belongings and giving him specific direction on when to feed him again.
Jax's eyes flicked to Lana for just a moment before returning his full attention to Tara, "babe, I don't need to know every detail about everything. I am his Dad, I think I know how much juice to give him." Tara grunted, "it's just been awhile since you made him a sippy, Jax, I was just reminding you." He mumbled "yeah" before lifting Thomas from his high chair, clearly a little annoyed. "I'll be late tonight. We've got some business to handle with Nero and I don't know when I'll be home." Tara didn't say word. She stared straight ahead, past Lana and through the wall.
"Ok?" he asked, pushing for a response. Tara turned and wiggled Thomas' foot, "I love you honey, I'll see you tomorrow," she spoke to the little boy who only giggled and kicked in response. Lana noticed Jax's nostrils were flaring ever so slightly and he was scowling. He shook his head before turning to leave. He didn't call out a farewell greeting, and he didn't look back at them. Clearly something had happened in the few minutes he had been there that had set them both on edge.
"What was that all about" Lana pressed her luck. Tara pushed a fry through her puddle of ketchup before answering, "business with Nero usually means they'll be at Diosa..." Lana knew what that meant. One of the women Tara had caught Jax with was at Diosa, and she was worried that he would cheat on her again. "He said it was business, I'm sure it'll be fine," she said, trying to reassure her friend. Tara shook her head, "it's what happens after the business is all taken care of that worries me."
Lana frowned in response. She wanted to tell Tara not to worry, and that maybe she was just over- thinking things...but she couldn't. She couldn't reassure her that everything would be ok because she didn't know. She'd like to think that Jax would take care of business then return home to Tara, but lately his track record hadn't been the best. It made Lana sad, and she was part of the problem. Her baby was going to cause so much turmoil in the little town of Charming...
...Lana stared at the stone in front of her, jutting out of the ground and casting a shadow across the plush grass. She had just left dinner with Tara and this was the only place she could go to catch her breath. Intricate lettering spelled out her Mothers name, next to her laid Lana's Father, and every time she traced the words her heart threatened to beat out of her chest. She needed to talk to her Mom right now, almost more than ever.
It had been ten years since the tragic automobile accident that had taken both of the Shelapova parents, but sometimes Lana thought it felt like ten days. Especially now when she could use her Mother's somber words and wise advice. She had her brothers blessing, but having her Mothers would mean a world of difference to her. She felt alone. Technically she knew she wasn't, not by a long shot, but she was carrying a secret that weighed her down significantly and the one person she could bare to tell was laid to rest about six feet below where she sat.
Lana closed her eyes and let the sun warm her skin, taking a deep breath and allowing her lungs to fill with fresh air. She missed her parents every day. All of the Shelapova kids did. Even drew, who was defiant and currently incarcerated. Before their parents had been taken, the family home had been a warm and inviting place. The smell of good food was always around every corner and it was filled with love. Afterwards, though, it had turned cold. The boys had to go stay with their Grandma in Lodi and Lana had gotten herself a dingy little apartment above the Hairy Dog. It was only after she had met Tara that she had moved from that little hole in the wall into a much bigger, decent apartment in the same neighborhood as Teller-Morrow.
So much had happened since her parents had passed, but nothing had happened quite so drastic. Nothing had really made Lana want to confide in her mother more than now. "Oh, Mama..." she spoke into the wind "...I miss you so much. There's so much I need to tell you." She laid back in the grass like she had done so many times, and opened up.
"I'm pregnant Mama. I'm pregnant, and I don't know what to do. I know you never met Tara, but I've told you about her a thousand times. Well, it's her husband that got me pregnant, and I feel so awful..." tears slid down the sides of her face, but this time she let them. She stared up into the puffy white clouds, willing her words to Heaven.
"I feel like a bad person. Like...I feel like I don't deserve to keep this baby. I want to..." she finally admitted out loud "I want to keep it, but Lord knows that I don't deserve to. I have so much love to give, Mama. I feel like this was supposed to happen, and that makes me feel even worse." Lana began sobbing. She was finally admitting to herself that she wanted to keep the baby, and the feeling was a little overwhelming. A breeze washed over her then, and she was sure it was her Mom hugging her.
If this was her final decision then she would have to figure out a game plan. She'd have to figure out exactly what she had to do, and she would have to do whatever it was before the baby got here. She'd have to find a place to live, her current apartment was only one bedroom, and she would have to gather everything she needed for the baby. She already new she wouldn't have a baby shower, that she wouldn't allow. She felt as if, as punishment, she would have to make sure she did everything as alone as possible.
If she stayed in Charming then she couldn't tell a soul who the baby's Dad was. There were a lot of complications with that, but she would sort them out. She would have to come up with some better excuse than "I can't remember" but she was sure she probably could. What if the baby looked just like Jax? What if it was the spitting image of Abel or Thomas and someone questioned her. Surely somebody had seen her leaving the club house that night. Not to mention Jax himself.
The second second he found out she was pregnant he would know it was his. He wasn't an idiot, and he knew she hadn't had sex for awhile before him. She had told him that the first night they had hooked up. What would he have to say about this whole ordeal? Lana was scared at what Jax might do to her if he found out.
She knew Tara was trying to make her marriage work, but if she found out that Jax had gotten another woman pregnant than she wasn't so sure there would be a way to salvage through any of that carnage. If she was the reason that Tara left, that final straw that broke the camels back, then she wasn't so sure that Jax would remain calm. He was a very dangerous man that loved his family very much, and didn't take anything that might harm their bond lightly. Lana didn't want to think that Jax would hurt her or the baby, but she had seen Ima a few days after he gotten done with her for waving a gun around in the club house.
Ok, so the other option would be to leave Charming. She could pack up her bags, throw a dart at a map and head to whatever town it landed on. She could find another salon to work at, and start to rebuild her life again while raising the baby. If she was going to do it alone in Charming anyways, what was the difference between staying here and going somewhere else?
Her brother was here, though. Both of them were, as well as her parents being buried here. Charming had always been her home. There were memories written all over the small town and the thought of leaving hurt her heart a bit. She had to face it, though, if she was keeping this baby then she would have to make sacrifices.
Either way, whether she moved or stayed, Lana knew she'd lose her best friend. There was no way that Tara would forgive her for what she had done, and she knew there was no way she could ask Jax to be a part of this baby's life. If she was being honest with herself, she didn't want him to be there. She didn't want to tell Tara so that she could really focus on keeping her relationship in tact. Jax had to grow up someday, and when he did she wanted it to be Tara reaping those benefits.
The last thing she had ever intended on happening was her sleeping with Jax, and then ending up pregnant because of it. It was never a premeditated idea, so she had never had any kind of game plan. Lana wasn't even sure she had wanted her own kids in general let alone have the baby of a married man. None of her options seemed like they would come easy, but really she didn't think she deserved the easy way out anyways. She wasn't by nature a bad person, but she was a little naive at times and now she had to pay for her ignorance.
She knew she couldn't blame only Jax for what had happened. She was a grown adult. She knew what and how sex worked, and she had consciously made the decision to sleep with him, and then do it again a couple weeks later. How she had justified it then, when it most certainly was unjustifiable, was beyond her. Jax had been very good at covering his tracks and making it seem like there was nothing wrong, but again...she couldn't just blame him.
He couldn't have banked on this happening either. She was sure that Jax didn't plan on getting her pregnant, and if either of them had known this would happen then they wouldn't have done it. They shouldn't have done it anyways, but had they known she would wind up carrying a baby then there would have been no chance. She found herself wishing she could talk it over with him, too.
Lana rolled onto her side in the grass and pulled her knees up toward her belly. She wiped the tears away quickly but let them keep falling. "What am I supposed to do Mama?" She whispered into the wind before drifting off as the warm breeze continued to blow...
So she's keeping the baby! She needed to talk to her Mom, and ultimately she finally decided to keep it. That's going to make things a little complicated, huh? Also, Tara still doesn't know that Jax is Dad. I would hate to be in Lana's shoes. I hope you're enjoying, and please leave me a review! It keeps me writing, and I really do take all of your advice! Thanks again!
