Title: "Are We Still Friends"
Summary: Karofsky takes the first steps to a better life for himself: telling his best friend the truth. Karofsky and Azimio friendship.
Notes: Thank you for all of the alerts, favs and reviews!
Rating: T for language and sexual situations.
.O.O.
Houses looked strange to me as I drove home. Places that I drove by every day to get to school seemed unfamiliar. I was edgy but a lot calmer than I had been earlier. I felt bad though and faintly shameful. I felt as if I was driving toward a crowd of people who were going to throw things at me and yell nasty names, but it felt warranted.
I admitted that I was changed from this morning... different. Something felt different. I felt better but worse. It was as if a source of stress had gone but my back was up and I was ready for a fight. Maybe it was fight I was ready to be a part of, I conceded in a moment of clear honesty. I allowed myself to crawl into my invisible shell in the next moment.
I was more sensitive to what was going on around me; I was much more careful. I felt paranoid... but it seemed justified. My face took on a slightly sick look from some unrecognizable fright. I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter but this fear I had now was easier to combat than the fright from before in my driveway. I felt like I could fight this one. This fear made sense. I strangely felt more normal and sane than I had in the past year. And yet I was so different. I felt normal but different. My cell buzzed and it took me by surprise. I reached into my pocket and took my gaze off of the road ahead of me for a moment to read it.
Jakes party canceled. Party 2nite my house u in? at 8
I blinked at the message, glanced up to check the road and then stared at it for another second. Yeah, I guess I was going tonight. At least I didn't need to drive all the way over to Jake's now. I didn't really feel like a party but it seemed wrong to ditch Azimio on his big night with Hannah. He'd talked about making his move this weekend and asking her out on a date. Since he was actually serious about her, it really was important. Ditching him was not a cool-best-friend thing to do. So I snapped my phone shut and stuffed it back in my pocket.
I turned the corner onto my street and waved to my neighbor who was getting the mail. When I got inside my house, my Dad was in his office with the door closed, so I didn't bother him.
.O.O.
I was ready and out the door at six so that I could pick up some food for the party. I was picking up the pizza that Azimio's dad had very generously put on his Visa in exchange for no drinking in his house. Az was lucky.
When I got to Az's, there were only a couple of people there, but it was only about seven so I expected the place would be ridiculously loud when eight rolled around.
"Dave!" Az yelled at me from across the room and waved me over.
I sat down the pizzas and grocery bags on the folding table and went over to him and the guy he was talking to.
"Dave, this is Greg, my cousin from New York. Greg, Dave," he introduced us.
I shook his hand and said hey. He seemed friendly enough, though he had on kind of dirty-looking clothes. He didn't even look related to Azimio standing next to him. It wasn't bad, just not like Mr. Adams's high standards, therefore bizarre.
"Dude, you think I could get Hannah to kiss me if we played seven minutes or spin the bottle?" Az asked me, sounding his usual self. I laughed and shook my head.
"I'll see you later," Greg said lowly, looking at something over my shoulder.
I turned to see what was so interesting, but before I saw, Azimio grabbed my shoulder and pulled me away.
"Hannah said she's coming tonight," Azimio said gleefully and hit me on the chest. "Thanks man for inviting her for me."
"Yeah," I said, grinning at Az's uncommonly overly-cheery attitude. I asked the obligatory question, but in my head it was more open-ended, which I tried to not make a big deal out of. "She bringing a friend?" I asked, laughing.
"Alli and maybe Trinity. Man, this is gonna be fun."
Az walked over to the stereo to put something on. My smile faded half-way and stuck that way as I watched a couple of people come in through the front door. Az's cousin had disappeared off to somewhere and Az was busy, so I took a seat on the couch and just hung around until some more people showed up or Azimio was free. After fifteen minutes of just sitting and watching, my phone buzzed and I pulled it out to read the text I'd gotten. I opened it without seeing who it was from.
Want to come to my house this weekend?
I frowned and pushed the down button to see who it was from. Oh, my Mom. That made sense then. I felt the scowl on my face as I slapped my phone shut loudly.
"Dude, what's up?" Azimio appeared in front of me holding an open Coke in his hand and another in his other hand which he passed to me.
A few more people had shown up and there was actually a small crowd now. Music pounded in the background.
"My Mom," I grunted, glaring a little at the wall.
"Oh," Azimio said with a slight knowing look. "Sorry, man."
I shrugged. It was no big deal. Azimio walked off saying something about Hannah that I didn't catch over the music. Just then, a group of ten people came through the front door and it was officially packed. And there she was, Hannah dressed all in red with lipstick to match. I pulled a face before I could stop myself. Her generous use of make-up made her look like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show. Ugh, gross. Az actually liked her. I saw Azimio meet up with her and I could imagine which of his usual lines he was trying on her. Az was slightly superficial in that area. I didn't tell him, but I sometimes thought that he would have a better time with someone who wasn't a Cheerio. But he wanted the "best" he could get, which he saw as tall, a Cheerio and with just enough attitude to be spicy. I didn't think that I could get a Cheerio, so I'd never really tried. The football team never seemed like a big enough reason to persuade me to one of them. I hadn't found one that caught my attention enough to try for it, anyhow. I considered that that was likely a problem, or worse, a sign. I cringed before I could stop myself. I had given myself too much freedom to think about that particular subject and more things were making sense to me, though I would have traded that for things to be easier.
I might be better off without blond, skinny Cheerios. My mind jumped to the first blond I could think of, Sam Evans. I immediately froze my thoughts there and pushed them aside and pretended to have never thought it in the first place.
I got up to get a cup and some ice for my Coke. When I got to the cooler, it was nearly empty so I just set the can down for later. A hand hit me on the back and I turned to see Azimio behind me with Hannah under his arm. They'd sure gotten chummy fast.
"Dude, Hannah brought a couple of friends with her, over there," Azimio pointed over by the pizza and my eyes followed.
I looked back at Azimio and Hannah. I replied without thinking, distracted. "So?"
Hannah made a face at me that read "you're so stupid" and Azimio half-coughed-half-laughed and clapped me on the shoulder.
"Go man, this is your chance! Alli told Hannah that the only reason she was coming was because you'd be here." Azimio grinned at me.
"Oh," I said without enthusiasm and glanced over again. One was blond, Trinity, the other, Alli, a brunette. They kind of looked the same. Hair, nose, eyes, the differences were minimal. I turned back to Azimio and Hannah, who I kind of liked even less now. "Right."
I cleared my throat and went over to the two who had been looking our way. Alli smiled big and Trinity looked like she smiled more out of politeness. "Hi," I said, smiling too.
"Hi," Trinity said. Alli just smiled.
Az and Hannah walked up behind me, Az with his arm around her waist. The music turned to something a little more mellow for slow dancing but my ears kept pounding an echoing rhythm.
"Who wants to play spin the bottle?" Hannah said, a little viciously I thought, though that could have been my imagination. She was looking right at me when she said it. Probably thought I was too scared to kiss an almost-stranger in front of my friends.
"No thanks," Trinity said levelly, waved and walked off. I thanked her in my head. You can't play spin the bottle with four people, not enough variety, I was saved.
I caught Azimio looking at me with wide, 'help me out' eyes. Oh, he wanted to make out with Hannah, of course. I glanced at Alli and saw her looking at me too, and she looked quite keen on the idea. The last person I looked at was Hannah who had a kind of cruel expression on her face, looking like she enjoyed toying with my obvious discomfort, though she likely didn't know the real reason why. That made me angry, and my eyes narrowed.
"The basement," I said before I could stop myself. I pause to call myself an idiot, and continue with my thought because what else can I say now? "Let's go to the basement. I'd rather..." My eyes went to Alli who looked nice but just seemed the same as most of the girls in my school. The thought came to me unbidden that I know what I'd rather: Sam Evans.
My throat closed a little bit and it made my voice sound a little off, slightly higher. "Seven—" I cleared my throat and tried again. "Seven minutes in heaven." I look at Az and my expression isn't what it should be, I know, because I don't feel in the least excited, I feet kind of frantic. I hadn't expected to test my desires tonight. I hadn't known about Hannah bringing a friend who actually wanted to kiss me. Well, maybe she didn't want to, but that's where spin the bottle went to, wasn't it?
Azimio's expression changed slightly while looking at me. He looked confused but hid it well from the others. His hesitation in trying to egg me on with the making-out was unlike him, therefore being my hint that he was confused. He looked me in the eye with a small crease between his eyebrows. He had to know, he couldn't possibly see everything he was seeing now and not know. He knows and he is going to yell it to everyone at the party then shove me out the door, probably.
"Or, we could just make out," I gabbled and then stopped talking while my heart pounded with fear. I'd glanced at Alli while I'd spoken, but now I was staring straight at Azimio who was staring at me back.
"Sounds fun," Alli piped up with an eager smile at me.
"Why don't you two get a Coke or something while I talk to my man here. Then we can head downstairs." Azimio grinned suggestively at Hannah and smiled at Alli, finally breaking our stare. I look away with short breath, glancing around the room to get a grip on myself.
Hannah took Alli's hand and agreed with a similar leer. I made a face and blinked a few times while looking at nothing around the partying room of people. Azimio took a step over to me and I had just enough nerve to glance at him and then look away.
"Dude," Az said lowly, leaning a little closer to keep our conversation private. "Are you okay? Did your Mom say something else?"
I was looking over at the front door which had been left open to allow easy access to plenty of make-out space outside. My heart and my face froze.
Oh.
He really had no idea? My secret was safe...? For a moment there, I'd been sure he'd figured it out. But no, he thought this was about my family problems?
"Yeah," I said, not looking at him, my voice flat, my expression hard. What was wrong with me?
"Forget about it man," Azimio nearly pleaded with me. "We've got two chicks here who want to go make out. That's got to be better than thinking about your Mom bugging you, right?"
"Hmm," I hummed. Then I shrugged. No, it didn't matter; it made no difference whatsoever. Fuck Sam Evans, the kid was an idiot, and I couldn't actually want... to kiss... and idiot. No, no way that would make me happy.
"Dave?"
"Yeah," I said, sounding far away, still staring at the front door.
"C'mon, man," Azimio said and patted my back to get me to follow him. I followed without saying anything, without thinking anything either. It didn't matter anymore.
We met back up with the girls and Azimio held out his arm for Hannah and she slid up to his side. It took me a second, but I did the same and it looked like Alli blushed a little when she got rather close to me and hesitantly put her arm around my back. She looked happy at least. She was nice, not like Hannah was, a little witch. I could pretend for her... for Azimio. For Hannah, make her get off of my back, wipe that cruel smile off of her face, show her I was man enough to kiss a girl for a half hour.
.O.O.
Alli and I sat on a couch while Azimio and Hannah took a couple of old bean bags across the room. Thankfully, the music from upstairs was drowning out the sound of them sucking face behind us. I resisted the urge to look back at them for tips. I didn't make out much, but I hoped it wasn't too obvious.
"Do you want to kiss me?" Alli asked half-shyly, half-boldly. She looked sweet and was looking me in the eye.
"Oh, yes, um... I do," I said awkwardly and turned toward her a little more on the couch. The thought that this wasn't my first kiss struck me and I hesitated half-way through leaning over to kiss her. This probably wouldn't be the same. Alli was staring hopefully at me, so I leaned in the rest of the way without allowing myself think about it.
Our lips meshed softly together and we kissed lightly, turning our heads to a different angle after a moment to kiss that way instead.
Her lips were soft and smaller so it was easy to move around them. They were fine lips. They were soft and glossy, kind of tasted like root beer, oddly. That confused me but I went with it.
She put her hand on my knee and I leaned a little closer to kiss her better. I opened my eyes for a second and saw hers were closed so I closed mine too. I was trying to be polite or something. I didn't even know. Her lips were nice. They were soft and we were kissing so I enjoyed it I suppose. I hadn't really been in the mood for making-out was the thing. Still, she kissed nice. Though, was it my imagination, or was her hand moving to...?
I covered her hand that had moved up my leg a ways with my own. Our eyes opened at the same moment. We looked at each other for a second, she moved her hand away, and we went back to kissing.
A few minutes later, I was getting the hang of kissing her well. I was more adventurous and put my hand behind her head to press her mouth closer to mine. I had nothing to fear from making out with a girl, so I let myself go a bit. Why not? Why couldn't I do that? I'd kissed Hummel, I could kiss Alli if I wanted to.
Alli opened her mouth a bit and kissed my upper lip better, letting her tongue move along it. A small flash of desire went through me. I brought my hand to her waist and this time when she moved her hand up my leg, I let her. At the same moment, our tongues brushed against each other, and I felt the proximity of her hand very clearly. My hand brushed the corner of her chest, and I heard her moan the tiniest bit against my lips.
To hell with Sam Evans, this girl was kissing me and enjoying it, damnit. Fuck you, Hummel, I'm not all that sweaty... and fat... and ordinary. Or bald. Jesus, I was imagining Alli's face was actually Hummel's... the dark hair made that easy.
The desperate feeling I'd had when kissing Hummel, just to prove how wrong he was, was back. With fumbling hands, I reached out with both of my arms and pulled Alli up by her sides (she was rather small) and leaned back on the couch with her falling on top of me as gently as I could put her down. My eyes were closed so I opened them to see her face. She was looking at me closely for a moment and then she leaned her head down and kissed me nothing like how she had before. She pressed her whole body against me, her knee between my legs which seemed intended.
We stopped long enough to listen and glance at Azimio and Hannah going up the stairs of the basement. I assumed they were going to his room. I put my fingers through Alli's dark hair and moaned when she sucked on my upper lip. I run my hand up her thigh and press on the zipper on her jeans to make an obvious suggestion that I'd already kind of hinted at. Her breath sounded loud to me and I held on to her closely.
I had to keep my eyes open to not picture kissing Kurt, so I did. But, I slipped a couple of times and my eyes slid closed and I was kissing him again for a split second. I cut myself off from almost heatedly saying his name. And then I wondered if it would be better if I tried thinking of Sam so that I didn't keep seeing Hummel's face and remembering his lips. Her hand went the button of my jeans and undid it. Then she pulled down the zipper.
I wrench my lips away from hers and suck in breaths to make up for not breathing as much while kissing. I think of Kurt's face and Sam's face. Then I look at her above me. I put my right arm around her and hold her close while I turn us over so that I'm on top and she is below me. I stare down at her, and she looks up at me with dilated pupils, lips and face red, looking for all the world that she is just wanting for me to be with her so intimately, hotly and right now. I stare at her a long time, her eyes, her hair, her breasts. She was beautiful. I'd misjudged her as ordinary before.
I leant down and hesitated. Then I lightly kissed her forehead, thinking.
Whose face would I be picturing if we had sex? Was that fair to her? I could be with her right now, she wanted it and I could do it, so shouldn't I? I'd gotten us both riled up, but could I seal the deal?
I move my head to the side and rest my forehead on the arm of the couch above her, my arms at her sides to keep me from putting too much of my weight on her.
I swallowed thickly and scrunched my eyes shut; I was glad the lights were a little dim. It's not a 'deal'. It's love, it's love, it's love! Sex is more than a deal, there's got to be love in there somewhere. That's what my father taught me, right? And... I don't think I have any for her. I turned my head sideways and covered an unidentifiable distressed sound with the crook of my arm, a little squeak of noise. Because, by that definition, I love a guy and I am definitely attracted to another. Fuck, it's true.
Kurt Hummel, Sam Evans... they might be better. They... they are better.
I couldn't be with her while I really liked someone else, someone else I found gorgeous and compared everyone else to unconsciously, could I? Sex would be a connection, and I can't do that to her. I didn't have time to ask her if she expected a relationship from me after this. I couldn't assume from her personality (the little I knew of it) that she only wanted this one time of intimacy, closeness, sex on this couch.
I couldn't spend that time with her for selfish reasons, like I'd done with Kurt. It was more selfish than I was willing to be, and I didn't feel for her what Kurt's light step did for me, what his face meant to me, his hair...
The thought of losing my virginity to Alli felt like... a cop-out, a lie, a punch in my own gut. She was nice; I couldn't play her. I was trying to not be an asshole, right? This constant fright and fight was ruining my life, damnit.
"Dave?" Alli said from below me, her voice sweet and her tone expectant.
My stomach clenched and I shook my head ever so slightly to the left then right. My head's still resting on the couch arm and I turn it just a little in her direction, her face inches from mine, but I'm not looking at her, I'm looking at the fabric of the couch so that I don't have to.
"I'm sorry," I whisper in her ear, my regret plain in my voice, I hope, my tone final.
She's quiet a moment, and I can't look her in the eye. She's stopped trying to get me closer and is just laying there.
"Is it me?" she asks me finally, sounding discouraged.
"No," I say vehemently. "You're wonderful," I say truthfully, if a little forcefully. Wonderful as her, not wonderful for me.
"You're lying," she accuses me angrily. Alli moves to get out from under me, her movements harsh and quick.
I let her up but I grab her hand before she can go. She glances down at my hand gripping hers, then up to my eyes, which I hope show my sincerity. I lie, but it feels more right than my other possible lie.
"I have a girlfriend. We had a fight, but we're not broken up yet. I'm sorry, I should have told you."
She looks like she's going to hit me for a moment, the glare she's giving me, a fierce one.
But all she says is, "Yes, you should have." She gave her arm a yank and I let it go.
She storms away and I watch her leave. "Ass," she says over her shoulder as she goes.
Not this time, I'm not, I think.
.O.O.
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