I found myself tiding up for you, cleaning out corners of my room that I hadn't touched in years. I wasn't sure why I was cleaning, arranging then rearranging things until I had forgotten the way I originally wanted it to look. Maybe it was just nerves; maybe I was anxious about the preconceived notion of what today was meant to be, what today had to be.
I knew you deserved this, no matter how much you had protested the idea. I knew you felt selfish, knew you felt unworthy of the attention, but you had a right to feel that way, Dominic, after everything you've been through. You deserve a break from the world.
I heard my buzzer going off, signaling your arrival while I was putting the finishing touches on a room we wouldn't even be in. My feet walked easily through the open floor, the experience one they wouldn't get too used to. My finger pushed the button to let you in, my lips parting into an excited smile as I heard the door push open directly beneath me.
"Alright Matt, what's got you all worked up?" Your voice was accompanied by uneven, footsteps as you made your way up the few stairs between the front door and my apartment, well our apartment really.
"If I told you it wouldn't be a surprise now would it?" Your laughter bounced off the walls in the stairwell as you slowly made your way to my open door, your exited but tired expression one that I had grown to appreciate. You were trying Dominic; I knew you were giving your all, these past few weeks rubbing you thin.
I motioned for you to come in, your hand pulling the door shut with a quite click as you made your way forward. "What?" You sighed, the word hanging over our heads before mixing with the summer heat. I smiled at you, my lips stretching to exaggerate how I felt hoping, maybe, you would catch my good mood.
"Close your eyes." I managed to say after a few moments of intent eye contact. You did as you were told, your body staying still as I made my way over to you, my arms wrapping around your waist, your body leaning back into mine slightly. "You know how much I love you?" You hummed in response, the vibrations flowing through your body to mine. ", and you know I would do anything for you right?" I watched your face as I spoke, smiling at the strange innocence that had spread over it while your eyes blocked out the world. "So you would do anything for me, right?
"What's this all about?" Your eyes opened, their grey depth searching for an answer, the sneaky devils accompanied by a sly smirk.
"Is the suspense getting to you?" You turned to face me, my words somehow giving you permission to forget about the game I had created
"Killing me, darling." Your eyes seemed to come back to life, not slowly, like I had expected, but suddenly and all at once, and just like your eyes, I gave you no warning before grabbing your hand and pulling you out into the hallway, my hands flying to cover your eyes, and block out the world once again.
You stumbled as we made our way down the hallway, our muffled giggles and snorts most likely causing middle aged women to scoff without a second thought. Any other day, and you probably would have scolded me for my reckless behavior, but something was different about today, something had fallen back into place, something we had misplaced years ago.
"Close your eyes." I whispered just before opening the door that was the only thing separating us from this stairwell and the fresh air outside. The light threw itself onto the shadow plagued walls as I finally pushed the barrier away, the fresh, hot air blew past our faces, the crisp dry promise of fall in what seemed like an endless summer called us forward.
I ran out onto the roof in front of you, checking back every few seconds to make sure your eyes were still closed as I straightened up what the occasion breeze had blown over. "Ok, open your eyes."
You pulled your hands off of your face to finally see my surprise; an overthought arrangement of candles spread around a cliché plaid blanket I had borrowed from you months ago. There was a picnic basket in the middle of the blanket, a random assortment of foods I knew how to make were thrown inside with good intentions. The outlines of buildings held our paradise together, while the sun sent rivulets of heat radiating off of the blacktop below.
I was standing next to my masterpiece, my hands picking nervously at a rip in my jeans, hoping you would like it, hoping it wasn't too little or too much or something you couldn't deal with today. "I thought you could use a day to forget about the cancer, and just focus on us."
"Matt I-" you paused, your hand now covering your mouth instead of your eyes.
"It's too much? Sorry, just forget it we'll take it all down. It's really not the big of a deal anyways. We can just go inside if you want to instead…" You knew I wasn't the romantic type, Dominic; this was your forte, not mine.
"Shut up Matt." You walked over to me, your arms pulling me closer to you than I had felt in weeks. "It's perfect." And just like that we feel back into place.
I watched your lips curl over a strawberry, my eyes distracted as you bit into it, the sweet fruit parting beneath the pressure of your teeth. I continued watching as you smiled from the fresh taste, your closed eyes wrinkling around the seams. I breathed in deeply, your own scent mixing in with the fading smells of summer, warm and welcome; unknown pleasures filling the air. My fingers reached out to touch your skin, tracing the shadows, filling in my own warmth where the sun was lacking its familiar touch.
"Have you ever thought about flying?" You called my attention back to you, my eyes closing as you spoke, attempting immerse myself in your day dreams. ", seeing everyone below you, looking so small and unimportant." I felt your fingers graze mine, your pinky curling around my own. "Having complete control of where you're going, imagine the power you would feel, being able to bend the wind to your will." I opened my eyes again to see your free hand raised, your fingers intertwining with the breeze, your eyes still closed while your head ran away from reality, a peaceful look spread across your face that reminded me of when we were kids, free from the world.
I stayed silent for a few minutes, letting your mind wander while our legs hung over the edge of the building. I reached over you to place a soft kiss on your fluttering eyes lids once I thought you should come back from your fantasy. "I think you might be too heavy to fly, sweet." You pushed me away playfully, your laugh a pleasant surprise.
"I'm being stupid I know, sorry." You shifted your body so that we were facing each other instead of the endless sky.
"Don't apologize." I reached forward to push a stray curl back behind your ear. "You make me think about stuff, without that I wouldn't be worth anything." You sighed, your body turning back around to face the clouds, but your fingers stayed between my own.
"I just think it would be nice, to feel free for once in my life." I watched your mouth hang open like there was more you wanted to say, but for some reason, you couldn't find the words. That was ok, Dominic, I was happy just to sit in the silence with you, the few more days of summer hanging over our heads with limitless possibilities.
The grey winter sky seemed to stretch on forever, fog reaching down from the heavens to touch the unforgiving earth. The trees were dead and dry; no leaves were left on them to dance in the wind. I watched the unchanging sky to find any sign of you, but the birds are long gone; they've move south for the winter, yet I'm still stuck here waiting for nothing In particular.
The bench beneath me somehow managed to stay dry in the now melting snow, the ground an unarranged collection of mud and long forgotten trash that was buried beneath the old layer of white.
After hours of listening to my mother beg me to get some fresh air, I've finally decided to oblige, maybe it would do me some good, maybe it would help to clear my head, but in the end I'm not sure if I want to. I'm stuck on you Dominic, I know this by now, and I'm not sure if I want to let go, our memories together still wrapped around my shoulders to shelter me from the cold, bitter winds blowing through my mind.
But then again, maybe I should just forget about you, maybe I should choose to move forward, this old shelter around me getting heavier and denser the longer I drag it along.
I find myself standing up from the bench, though my legs had just gotten comfortable, to walk forward. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I move on, my feet occasionally kicking a leftover can or bottle out of my path.
Without clear intentions my eyes lock on two boys, no older than eight, playing in the mud, their mothers nowhere in sight. My lips parted into a small smile as they began throwing large chunks of the melted, muddy, mush at each other; each handful bigger than the last until they are practically covered in the filth. I'm sure any mother would have a heart attack at the sight of them, probably ruining a brand-new shirt of pair of jeans, but that careless, reckless fun where you forget about the world is what memories are made of.
I closed my eyes, pulling the hood of my sweatshirt over my head as I turned away from the boys, my legs carrying my body back home, while my mind swam in memories of you and I.
I heard the front door open just as my mother was pulling dinner out of the oven, your familiar sliding, lazy footsteps making their way in from the front entryway. Any other family might have been surprised, maybe even frightened by such a sudden appearance, especially right as a family meal was starting, but it had become almost routine to us. Most nights we even set up a stop for you to eat, you practically becoming part of the family.
"You're in for a treat tonight, Dominic; I've been trying out new ideas for the menu." My dad was talking to you. He paused to test a certain sauce, throwing the dirtied spoon he used into the sink before continuing. "This has been one of everyone's favorites." You laughed while pulling out your chair, my mother running to take your coat before the meal began.
"Don't listen to him Dom, He's managed to build up quite the ego since he got that review in the Tribune. It's definitely gotten into his head." I could tell you were trying to hold back your laughter, not sure who's side to take in the matter.
"I'm sure it'll be great Mr. Bellamy." I sat down beside you at the same time my parents joined us at the table. I placed my hand lightly on your thigh, your gaze meeting my own for a quick smile before the usual chatter started up about how everyone's day was while the main dish was passed around, exaggerated 'ooo's and 'aaahh's accompanies by laughter filled our home, but I couldn't help but notice the tired expression on your face.
Yesterday had been your fifteenth birthday, Dominic. I didn't want to say anything now, but I was almost positive your parents had forgotten, and left your waiting for something you should have, but never received. You had been absent from our table, but I hadn't thought much of it, your seat filled some days, and then empty the next.
I watched you laughing and eating with us, and I wondered, as your drink bubbled out your nose and you apologized extensively between breaks of laughter, who you thought of as your family while you sat in your home alone each night. Did you think of your blood relatives, or our patch work family of three?
My legs began to ache as I walked up the long hill that led to my house, my body not used to doing all this running around. It was hard not to picture you walking beside me, Dominic. Your hands fiddling with something you picked up off the ground while you ranted on and on about something way over my head, but I would listen, and smile when you got worked up over nothing. We would both laugh, while we walked, smiling at the thought of each other before you continued on.
I guess your brain just worked that way, running at a million miles a minute without taking a breath between thoughts, but that's what made you who you are, who you were, I guess. That's what made you strive for the best in life. You were going to be so beautiful, Dominic. You were going to be so strong with all this trouble and heart break just something to look back on and smile, something we could say we made it through. I guess that wasn't the way things worked out though, it's not necessarily fair, and it's more than cruel, but I guess that's life.
Water ran down the side of the street, the thick layer of snow now thinning and cracking to show patches of brown withered earth. I wasn't sure how long this break from the frigid cold would last, I wasn't positive how long before the next storm brought a whole new blanket of snow to cover the ground.
My eyes darted from the patchwork yards just in time to catch a robin flying overhead, her body floating effortlessly on a breeze, and I couldn't help but think of you again, Dominic. My mind ran back to the days where you dreamt of flying free in the setting summer sun.
