"You've got to be kidding. Blood hell this isn't happening, not her, what's wrong with me." He shot straight up in bed, and scrambled to his feet, frantically pacing. "What the fuck was in that sleeping draught. It was just the potion, just some fucked up dream." But he remembered running his fingers through her tangled hair, and the feel of her skin, and the taste of her lips.

"No!" He reached out and threw his fist into the wall. He could hear his knuckles grinding against the stone, and watched a little blood run down the grey wall, streaking it red. It should have hurt, and somewhere in his mind he knew that it did hurt, but he didn't feel it, not really. That was the part that scared him, it was like he was disappearing, like the world wasn't quite real anymore, or he wasn't.

He turned and leaned against the wall, looking at his hand, it was raw across the knuckles where the skin had split, but it would be fine. He knew he should go to the hospital wing, but it seemed so far away and so much trouble, besides he had class. It didn't take long to shower and change and bandage his hand, which had already started to scab over, and gather his books.

The common room was loud and full of people excited about their first day, mostly first years, but Pansy, Crabb, Goyle, and Blaise were there too. They turned to look at him as he walked into the commons, Pansy even started to walk toward him, a huge smile on her face, but he turned his face the other way and walked straight through the room, avoiding everyone's staring eyes. He would deal with them later, when he had the energy to.

History was interesting, but it was hard to pay attention, sometimes it felt like he would blink and suddenly ten minutes would have passed and the notes would already be erased to make room for new ones. History was his best subject, technically his second best because he got better marks in potions, but he knew that was because Snape changed his grade. He thought about staying after class but he knew that Binns wouldn't have a copy of the notes and he'd just have to hope it was covered in the book.

Next was potions; double with Gryffindor. She would be there, she never missed class. It was hard to know what Snape would do if he didn't show up, he probably knew by now that he had refused to be a death eater. Snape probably wouldn't do him any favors for that, he thought he would probably be lucky to be treated as well as the Gryffindors. He walked into class just as the bell was ringing and sat behind a cauldron in the back.

It was a practical lesson, they were brewing pixie repellent and it wasn't too complicated if you knew how to decipher Snape's instructions. Crabbe and Goyle kept trying to get his attention from two rows ahead, but he pretended that he didn't notice. Eventually they stopped and moved on to trying to ruin the potions of the golden trio, an old favorite activity. The only problem was they were sitting on the other side of the room, and they had to use magic to get the ingredients to fly far enough to get in their cauldrons. Of course their aim and concentration was so bad that they kept accidently flicking bits of newt and snake skin on him and in his potion.

It was easy to ignore them though, but it was hard to not look at her. They were sitting in the back row and she was just across the aisle from him. It was hard not to watch her, he had never noticed how relaxed she was. He had always assumed that because she was so precise and uptight that she never relaxed, but since the potion wasn't difficult she smiled and laughed. It was like she radiated a gentle glow like sunlight, it was hard not to bask in it.

He was cutting up a bit of mandrake root and ignoring the newt eye that had mistakenly been flicked onto his cutting board when suddenly the knife flew out of his hand and straight into his left arm. Crabbe or Goyle must have lost concentration when floating something and accidently caught the knife in the spell. Someone screamed, but he didn't move; only stared at the long silver knife that he could see had completely pierced his arm by the elbow.

More people were screaming, blood was pooling under his arm on the table, some of it dribbled into his potion and it sent up sparks and clouds of thick black smoke. He couldn't feel it. It was like he couldn't feel anything anymore, like he didn't exist. It wasn't fair, why did he have to feel this way. He reached down and yanked the knife out. There was blood everywhere but it was like it belonged to someone else, he didn't feel anything looking at it, it didn't scare him which worried him and made the numbness worse.

Someone pulled him from the smoke, Snape was at his cauldron trying to undo the damage and screaming for everyone to get out, but there was hardly anyone left in the classroom.

"Get him to the hospital wing." Snape barked at the person standing behind him, the one who had pulled him away from the cauldron. It was her, Granger, she had dropped his arm and pulled a handkerchief from her bag and she tied it deftly around his arm to slow the bleeding and grabbed his other arm and walked him out the door.

"I'll meet you back in the commons." She called over her shoulder to Potter and Weasley.

"Maybe we should go with you." Ron said with a not so subtle look at Draco. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"I think I can manage." She said turning and dragging him along with her.

It wasn't until they had gotten out of the dungeons that she spoke again.

"Do you think you can make it to the hospital wing?" She asked, looking straight ahead. He settled for nodding in response, unsure what to say, images from his dreams kept breaking into his mind when he looked at her. "It's just that you're bleeding quite a lot, I know a spell that would stop it, but I haven't ever done it before and I don't want to use it unless I have to."

He opened his mouth to say that everything was alright, but he couldn't quite form the words, everything had gotten unfocused and it felt like someone had put cotton in his ears and he couldn't hear. He didn't remember falling, but when he opened his eyes he was on the floor.

"Malfoy can you hear me?" She asked, brushing hair out of her face. She looked so concerned it was ridiculous; he knew that she hated him but she was still worried. She was the only one who was worried, Crabbe and Goyle had been the first ones out the door when the spell went wrong. They were more concerned with getting in trouble than about him, Pansy and Blaise hadn't stuck around either, Snape had handed him off like it was some unpleasant task he couldn't be bothered with. Of all people she had to be the one to be concerned, the one he had taken so much pleasure in humiliating.

He couldn't help it, looking up into her eyes that only held concern and should have held distain; he laughed.

"Fuck off Granger." He said, still laughing shallowly. "You can't make me love you."

He was barely aware that she stood up and didn't notice that she left, everything was unfocused again, and then he couldn't see anything at all.