Disclaimer: I don`t own Harry Potter characters.
Betareader: Olosta
Chapter four – Hope and hopeless
"Hey," said a voice.
She shifted, refusing to leave her own world of dreams.
"Hey," the voice repeated itself and a poke followed right after. She swung one of her arm in an attempt to get rid of whatever was interrupting her sleep.
But the intruder didn't give up so easily. Another poke followed, this time stronger and her dream world started to fall apart.
She opened her eyes and rose her head realizing she must have fallen asleep during reading as she was sleeping on her arms behind a table. A young, maybe fourth year Ravenclaw, was watching her with curiosity.
"I was told to wake you up as the library is closing soon," she said without taking her eyes off of Kora.
Maybe she would consider the staring girl's behaviour as something indecorous and creepy, but she got used to it. It was much better these days. You know that rumors have a short lifetime. After a month no ones from other dormitories really cared about her and her past now and Gryffindors… well, they were Gryffindors. To put it straight they cared, they were curious, but she was one of them, so in the end they had accepted her. But there was always something in the air. She knew that they didn't trust her completely, because she was so quiet and a little bit antisocial.
"Ah, sorry. Somehow I fell asleep," said Kora while packing all her staff into a bag. She looked around, as the girl told her; she was the last one in the library. It was only the start of the semester, that's why other students didn't find it so attractive to spend evenings and nights in the library when they obviously didn't have to. She didn't know why she spent her free time in the library either.
No, that would be lie. She found her peace in studying, writing essays and other stuff, which would be described as a pain in the ass by normal students. Yet she couldn't let it go. To be a reckless student. That wasn't a part of her personality. First hint to find out about her. Hardworking and intelligent. Yet she tried to hide this part. Somehow she felt it would make her geeky and more lonesome. Not that she had a busy social life. But anyway, no one would like someone who knows-it-all. And it sounded too familiar and painful for her to let that happened again.
Again?
Maybe another hint.
She took the books she borrowed, ready to return them to the shelves.
"Don't worry, I will return them instead of you. I have to hurry, the librarian asked me to help her to close, you know," the girl already took the books from her hands and pushed her slightly towards the door.
"But…" Kora tried to protest, but the girl was fast and in no time she found herself outside the library with the door carefully but securely closed behind her.
Well, she was too tired to read anyway and she could always borrow the books again. She lifted her bag, threw it over her shoulder. Then she started to walk toward her dorm lost in the shallow memories of her dream. Full of red haired people and one boy with dark hair.
Her walk turned more cheerful as she remembered that great feeling she felt in the dream.
Maybe there was someone waiting for her.
And somewhere else. Not so far away another person, a particular ravenclaw girl, was also in a cheerful mood. At least you could guess from her devoted look. She handed one book from the pile Kora was reading before to the boy with Head Boy badge on his robe.
"This one is the only one that wasn't for the classes." She stated and pointed at the title.
"Greek gods and mythology." He read out loud the title. Really interesting.
Then he sacrificed one of his most charming smiles to reward the girl. "Good job," he didn't even have to use violence to get what he wanted. People on Hogwarts were easy to manipulate.
"This will be our little secret," he looked straight into her eyes, "just between you and me." She nodded, happy to share something with the popular Slytherin.
The next morning came awfully early. At least for Kora`s taste. She yawned stretching her arms, all in a hope not to fall asleep. Over and over she swore not to stay up to the late night and get a full sleep. Yet over and over she spent her precious free time reading or spacing out. Maybe she was just too obsessed with the thought to find out who she is or better who she was.
At first she realized that her belongings couldn't help her. Then she tried to find out at least more about her new self. She started with the name that professor Dumbledore gave her. It was no coincidence, she wasn't so naïve. He did choose it with a purpose.
Kora (well-know also under the name Persephone) was a Greek goddess, daughter of the goddess of Earth; she was abducted by Hades - a god of Underworld. She was tricked into eating few seed of pomegranate there, which forced her to live in the underworld forever as Hades wife.
She, too, was trapped into a different world. She was forced to stay at Hogwarts, because she had nowhere else to go. Although it felt too familiar for her to be a complete stranger. From the moment on she had opened her eyes to find herself completely blank inside, she started to have her own secrets. Sometime she could find her way through the school corridors alone and without help, even though she never went that way before. Almost as the fate itself was leading her path to her destination. Just as the day she had found that mystery room.
It was calling her, luring her to find it. And so she did. When the door appeared before her, at first she was surprised, then curious and in the end she felt a strange comfort. This was her secret place. Strangely, she wished for a place like this, she prayed for it as the room was calling her name. She didn't recognize its words, bud she knew it was her name. The real one.
But the room never answered her questions, no matter how often or how much she asked. It provided her only the space and comfort. She found here everything she needed, books, parchments, a comfortable sofa and a strange feeling of familiarity.
Finally she got up from her bed, put on her school uniform and walked down to the common room. Manon was already there, waiting for her as every other morning since that happening in potions. Kora considered her as a very nice and loyal girl, albeit too girly with her beautiful blonde hair combed into two pigtails. Even her school uniform seemed more girly than hers although they were exactly the same.
Manon waved at her cheerfully. They always met in the common room as Manon was living in a different bedroom as herself.
"Good morning, honey," she said and hugged Kora`s stiff body, "Well prepared for the upcoming day?"
She sure was a morning person. They both headed towards the Great Hall for the breakfast.
"Pitty you didn't take divination as me," said Manon, "Now I have to go there all alone. But it is fun, I am sure you would love it," she looked to Koras eyes, "Don't you agree?"
With her blue puppy eyes and innocent look it was hard to disagree with her.
But in the deepest of her heart she believed different. She nodded anyway, because she couldn't do anything else. But for her, divination would be waste of time. She didn't believe in it and also she had different priorities. Such as to be prepared for the outside word. To be prepared to protect herself as the danger was near and she didn't know what would await her outside the school. Her scars and the state she was found in were the evidences enough for her to know she will need these knowledge more then divination.
She didn't really listen to what was Manon telling her. She was too lost in her own thoughts about the upcoming lessons. Manon was excellent in arithmancy and Runes, but failed hard in practical subjects such as Potions or DADA. She took Potions anyway, as Kora found out from her stories; it was because of her father, who insisted on her getting NEWT from this particular subject.
So after breakfast she took her leave to the class and sat on her usual spot in the middle. Only about 20 other students were taking advanced lessons from DADA and Gryffindor had them together with Slytherin.
"Today we will start with a little bit hard spell to learn, but I believe you will find it quite helpful if you would ever meet a dementor. Does someone know what spell I am talking about?" asked Miss Merrythought, who was teaching DADA for more than hundreds years. At least she looked like that.
Kora raised one eyebrow, she did know what she was asking and she didn't like it. Not at all. Her hand rested on the table while few other hands rose in the air. Miss Merrythought looked around the class and picked a blond Slytherin girl, who significantly resembled Abraxas Malfoy. She smirked as the girl answered and was rewarded with 5 points. It was an irony that a Slytherin was talking about the magic of light. Then she stopped with her thought wondering how she could get to this conclusion. She probably picked it up in the dormitory; everyone knew that Gryffindors and Slytherins didn't go very well together.
"As Miss Malfoy said - the Patronus Charm is a defensive spell used to conjure an incarnation of the Witch's or Wizard's innermost positive emotions to act as a protector. So at first try to find a happy memory of yours and then we will try to cast the spell."
Kora was doomed. She didn't know what she had done in her previous life, but it had to be a very, very nasty thing. How the hell was she supposed to pick up a happy memory, when all she could remember was the darkness, people talking about her in whisper, glancing at her suspiciously or not talking to her at all?
She sighted and opened her book. This will be a hard task to carry out and maybe it will be impossible for her. The class was busy with everyone talking about their happy memory comparing them to each other. They were talking about their childhood memories, success in school or Quidditch; they were different yet everyone seemed to be happy to talk about them.
Kora wasn't feeling good, she tried to read and ignore all the people around, searching for some way to elude the condition but in vain. The memory was the very core of this magic. She was thinking that she should better stand up and walk to the teacher to explain her that it is impossible for her to cast this kind of spell, but she wasn't a coward. She will try or she will die trying.
"Ok and now," Kora was interrupted in her train of thoughts by a strong voice of her DADA teacher, "when you already chose your happy memory, take your wand and repeat – Expecto Patronum. While pronouncing the spell you have to think of your chosen memory otherwise you will not be able to cast the spell."
The whole class started to wave their wands and the words Expecto Patronum were heard from everywhere. Kora, too, tried to wave her wand thinking about her first get-together with her only friend Manon. Apparently this particular memory wasn't strong enough as nothing came out from her wand. She sighted again, this time in defeat and looked around the classroom. It wasn't as bad as she thought it would be. This spell was hard enough even for people who actually had memories to choose from. Only few of them were able to cast at least some sort of silver fog although most of the students just tried and failed.
She closed her eyes to concentrate herself more. "Expecto patronum!" She shouted again. With anticipation she opened her eyes only to find out nothing changed.
She rested her head on the table; her only wish was for this class to be finally over. When she looked up again, her eyes met with different pair. A Slytherin boy was sitting right in front of her and was looking at her.
"How can I help you?" she asked after she had recovered from the shock. For how long had he been watching her? And she didn't even realize it, she scolded herself mentally.
"No, the right question is - How can I help you?" he corrected her.
She blinked. She recognized him now; he was the Slytherin Head Boy, who was looking at her at the Potions. Once again there was a thin irritating smirk on his face. As if HE knew something she didn't, as he was better than her.
"You, helping me? With what?" she spat at him in disbelieve.
"With this spell of course."
"I don't think I am in need of your precious help," she said sweetly, indicating that she can live rather well without his help.
"Well, I couldn't miss the fact that you weren't able to cast even a slight sign of silver fog at least."
Kora frowned and her look was clearly saying that he sure could. "There is nothing wrong with this spell; I just need some more tries," she answered.
"Yet I am positive you need some help," he moved forward across the table and gently took her hand with the wand, "I shall show you how to move your wand properly to get a perfect result."
For a second she looked at him in shock and at the moment their hand touched a cold shiver run down her spine. She yanked her hand out with a loud and somehow frightening shout.
"No," she repeated again. This time softer and significantly quieter, "There is nothing wrong with my wand movement or my pronunciation of the spell. The problem lies elsewhere. Anyway," she said after she has gathered some courage, "I think there are plenty of people who would appreciate your help more than me," she opened her book again and started to read the chapter for the fourth time in an hour again.
She was waiting for him to leave, but he didn't move from his spot before her desk.
"What?" she asked, her eyes still focused on the book.
"I was just wondering what your problem is then. Are you sure you are doing it right?"
"Are you doubting me?" this time she rose her sight to look straight into his eyes.
"No, of course not. I was just trying to help," he stood up to leave, but he turned around to face her again, "Do you have something against me?"
Ah, sure. The thing with her yanking her hand out of his wasn't really polite. It could give him a hint she really didn't like him.
"I am sorry about earlier. I was nervous about the spell and you caught me out of guard. The problem is," she hesitated for a moment, "well, it is not your business. If you don't mind I would like to concentrate on my studying."
"I am sorry," he looked as he meant it and Kora started to feel guilty, "but as you are a new here I thought that maybe you would welcome someone who would offer you a hand."
"I am here for more than four weeks, you had plenty of opportunities to talk to me before but never did till now. It makes me wonder, why now and here," she smiled sweetly at him. That kind of smile that would make you wonders what is the person up to. "Oh and I don't think that that blond friend of yours likes this talk. Actually he looks like he will hex me the next time he will see me. Not that he doesn't wish to since that little accident."
His eyes moved to the mentioned boy, who really was looking as murderous as he could. His eyes were narrow and his lips pressed together in a thin line. He was glaring at Kora and if a look could really kill, she would be dead and buried long time ago.
"You can't hold it against him. He just doesn't like to look like an idiot. You hurt his pride and he can't forget something like that easily."
"Are you insinuating that I should watch my back? Pretty nice friends you have there."
"At least I have some. Maybe you would be more popular if you have accepted help from people when they had offered it"
"But just maybe I want to live on my own without having to rely on help from some strangers. You never know who your enemy is,"
"Sorry, my bad. I forgot to introduce myself; although I was pretty sure you had to hear about me. I am Tom Riddle, the Head Boy." He pointed out at his badge on his school robe, "No need to introduce yourself, Kora Cassia. I think everyone heard those rumours."
"What kind of rumours if I may ask?"
"Well," he waved his hand causally, "like that one about your muggle accident and of course that one about your memory loss. I heard it is only temporally."
She didn't deny it or confirm anything; she was just looking at him. She had to admit he was quite handsome. Dark hair and eyes, charming smile. No wonder he made it to the head boy. She has never spoke to him before, but since they visited common classes she was an eye witness of his intelligency and popularity. Especially among the female students and also professors. And not only that. She, too, was a very observant person and couldn't miss that he was some kind of leader among the Slytherin students. They had followed him like lost puppies, full of admiration and respect. Could someone young like him have this kind of impact on his schoolmates? Obviously yes. Better be cautious in the future, her inner self pointed out.
"I think our conversation is over for now."
She blinked.
"What?"
"The class is over," he made a move with his hand towards the classroom.
Really. When she looked around, she could see students packing their things and some of them were on their way outside the classroom.
"Don't forget to practice this spell. It will be part of your NEWT for sure. We will continue next week," Miss Merrythought tried to make herself heard over the noise. She sure had a strong voice for someone so old.
This hell wasn't over yet. Maybe she will fake sickness the next time. Yeah, sounds like great idea.
"See you later," she didn't notice Tom had already packed all his stuff, "and don't hesitate to look for my help if needed. It is my duty to help other students." He told her before vanishing in the door.
Kora raised her eyebrow, she wasn't so sure if it really was. Well, if she was lucky, she wouldn't have to talk to him ever again. But the fortune wasn't in favour with her. She took the school book and put it inside her bag. She was about to leave as one of the last students, when the teacher called her to her desk.
"I want to have a word with you, Miss Cassia."
Ah, this didn't sound any good to her. Her eyes started to investigate that very interestingly looking smug on the floor, anything just not to look at her professor.
"I was told about your situation," she started.
Her situation. It was like a stigma she will never get rid of. It was frustrating and it made her urge to throw something at the floor even more tempting.
"I know that this spell is almost impossible for you, but I still hoped you will manage to do it. I was observing you for the past three week, since you started visiting my classes and although you didn't want other people to notice, you are very intelligent and skilful. I wanted for you to try it but in the end I have to admit my mistake."
Now she was stupid, interesting development.
"I can't make you to try it again if you don't remember anything from your past." Miss Merrythought continued the monolog, "And your last month here wasn't very pleasant as well, I have to admit. You may think otherwise, but we are here to help the students. Not only to teach them necessary informations, but to prepare them for the outside world as well."
Now she got her full attention.
"It wasn't very wise to let you struggle through this lesson knowing you may very well fail. It is not good for you and it will not bring any results. I don't want you to feel helpless or to be scrutinized by other students. I could tell you are trying to go unacknowledged by other people. I can't say I agree with you, but who I am to tell you how to live your life?"
For someone who didn't want to tell her how to live her life, she sure had a long speech.
"So you are suggesting to try to attract as much attention as I could," the words left her mount before she could stop herself.
"No, I am suggesting that you could be execused from the next two classes, during which we will continue with patronus charm and use this time for other thing."
Miss Merrythought leaned back in her chair. "Have you ever heard about Legilimens?"
Kora blinked. This was unexpected. Legilimens was very hard to learn and a concentration and very high level of magic was needed for a person to read someone else's mind. Not to mention it was on the edge of dark magic.
"Ehm, but professor-"
"Don't worry Miss Cassia, I am not telling you to really try and read other persons mind. Just maybe you can use some knowledge for your own benefit. If you could enter your mind, maybe you could search for thing hidden inside."
But Kora knew what was inside of the depht of her mind. Darkness and emptiness. Nothing else and nothing more. She could remember this feeling she had felt the night she woke up for the first time. It was cold and she was alone. There was nothing to catch hold of.
"I will give you this," she handed her a piece of paper. "It is permission for the restricted section in library. Use it well and reasonably."
Kora took the paper. At least she will be executed from those humiliating lessons and on top of that the pretty, but persistent Head Boy will lose the opportunity to approach her again.
She picked up her bag from the cold flood, said her goodbye and left the room. The paper with the permission was now carefully folded inside the pocket of her habit. She was sure she would make use of it this. She checked her watch, only 5 minutes to her next class – charms. Luckily Manon will be there too and since there will be only Gryffindors – what could go wrong?
The reason why he went and actually talked to her wasn't that genial. It was time to get some information first handed. He wanted to talk to her, to see if she would recognize him or still wanted to hurt him, maybe even to kill him. When he was watching her during DADA, she was so helpless and it was so obvious she can't do the spell. He knew that there wasn't any problem with the form of the spell but the content. He wanted her to admit it, to tell him if she really lost her memories and find out the reason why. He was sure she was sane when he saw her for the first time, so the problem was what happened after that.
She didn't recognize him, what was a good thing, yet the way how she jerked her hand out of his… well, he should have expected it. Her subconscious was telling her to be aware. But he will deal with it. There is no chance she could resist his charm any longer. He was the perfect manipulator, no one ever suspected him of anything and yet he always got what he wanted. And there was no room for exceptions.
Now he was watching her again. Carefully, making sure she never saw him, it was essential. She was eating her lunch slowly and impatiently looking at the entrance door. He didn't know why, not until the moment a new crowd of people stepped inside, obviously their classes ended only few minutes ago.
The transfer girl smiled at someone from the crowd and a young girl waved at her and sat right beside her. They started to chat and laugh. That Prewett girl was apparently telling her some kind of "funny" story.
Only after he felt a hand on his shoulder he moved his eyes from the Gryffindor table.
"What was that with the transfer student?" Abraxas sat down next to Tom.
Tom looked at his blonde friend, but said nothing.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to judge your action," he took the hint, "but I was surprised why you talked to her. An average student, average looks and average friends," he nodded toward Manon, who was absorbed in the story about what exactly she had read out of her tea leaves during Divination.
"I was just asking if she needed my help. I have a reputation to keep."
Abraxas remained silent. He knew Tom wouldn't do anything without gaining something in return. In one way or another. He didn't do anything without a reason. He was level-headed in the absolute meaning of these words.
Why the hell he went to her? She was absolutely pathetic as she tried and tried to cast the spell. She looked like she would burst out in cry every second and he was enjoying this situation. And at the exact moment he planned to put his two cents to make her situation even more miserable, Tom walked towards her and actually offered her help. He knew he was in no position to doubt the action of his master, but still.
The lunch continued in mutual silence. Tom was unusually quiet, a small smile on his face and eyes fixed on the Gryffindor table. From the look in his eyes Abraxas could tell he was planning something. And he could also tell that the new Gryffindor girl was involved as well. Maybe he would get his revenge. A smirk appeared on his face and he finished his lunch n a much cheerful mood than before.
She didn't pay attention to the outside world. When she was with Manon, she wasn't alone; the outside world didn't matter anymore. She didn't have to think about her schoolmates or the darkness and maybe about the Head Boy.
Her heart skipped a beat. When exactly did she start to think about some Slytherin and on top of that about the Head Boy she met only once? Ok, she saw him before, but she didn't care about him. She didn't spend a second of her life thinking about him. He was like any other student she passed in the school corridor.
Why the sudden change? Was it because he was the first person who approached her without asking about her past life and her transfer as the first thing? Hesitantly, she looked to the Slytherin table, searching for the brown haired boy. It took her only few second as he was the centre of them no matter where he was sitting. He was surrounded by his classmates, boys accepting him as a leader, girls trying to get his attention. Perfect in any way you looked at him.
But there was something strange about him. The way he looked at other people, talked to teachers, giving orders or accepting them from the teachers.
It took her several days to figure things out. It was hard, but she was determined. And when she wanted to achieve something, there was no way one could stop her. She walked through the corridor and this time she knew what she was looking for. And there he was, trying to pretend he wasn't looking at her, not following her.
Yes, one could tell that it is hard not to follow one, when you share most of the classes. And though he didn't bother her anymore like during their DADA class at the beginning of the week, he stopped for small talk from time to time while they were waiting for their teacher in the classroom, always followed by his adherents. He was polite, charming and incredibly nice.
She could tell there was something about him. He was too much of a gentleman. There were only three possibilities to explain his behaviour. First: he was an idiot. But to her, he seemed to be too intelligent to be an idiot.
Second: he was in love with her. She laughed at this one; it was just too stupid to be true, because he knew her for like few days. And what she could tell from observing him, he definitely wasn't the type who would fall in love with a girl so fast. Or to fall in love at all.
Third: He was up to something. Yes, this is it. She decided to stick up with this one and not to trust him.
Well, to be honest, she was considering a fourth possibility, but she rejected the idea almost immediately – He was really a true gentleman in his heart. Heh, as if!
But at the close of the week she had to start thinking about something else. The next DADA class would be on Monday and she had only few days to decide.
Kora sat in her mystery room, it was dark without any windows and she didn't bother to light some candles. She wanted her peace, she needed it to think. About herself, the past and maybe the future.
When someone is born, he is like a blank list of paper ready to be filled. That was what Dumbledore has told her few days after they have met. But Kora didn't believe in such a thing. At least she thought she didn't believe as she really was like a blank list of paper. Also he told her that he hopes she will find things worthy of to take at heart and into mind.
And she has tried. Yes, she did although some other students could say that she was only wandering from the one class to other without even noticing the world around her, trying to act invisible. But she did her best.
She didn't want to do this, therefore she procrastinated for days. Tomorrow, she will go to the restricted section of the library. But today she wanted to find her memories on her own. To find out or to make some new. She got up from the sofa and opened the door. It was time to visit her common room in daylight, not in the middle of the night when she would be sure most of the students are in their beds, sleeping peacefully. It is time to stop her act of an invisible person. She couldn't run forever nor would she again. It was time to look straight into the fates eyes and stop being ignored and ignore others. Time to move forward.
Preview:
"Legilimens? This is what you read during your free time?"
"If I remember correctly, it is my free time, isn't it?" she tried to ignore him, but it was hard since he was holding HER book and browsing random pages. She was angry with herself for not noticing him before it was too late.
"I can help you with it, if you want," he said and handed the book back to her.
