And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through

"Move Along" - The All-American Rejects

Logic hasn't worked. Next step is to try something else. He contemplates going to a therapist, but then then as always examines the pros and the cons so as to better determine his next course of action. Con: he's not eighteen, so he can't see a therapist without his parents being informed and how's he going to explain this to them? Mom, Dad, I need permission to see a therapist because I'm sexually attracted to your little princess. You know the one that sleeps opposite my bedroom. That'll end well. Con: actually saying out loud to somebody, anybody that he wants to grab his little sister, push her against the wall, tear her clothes off and use her until he's satiated? That's never going to happen. Death before dishonor. Well his death before her dishonor but it still works. (Monsters know exactly where the line is, before they cross it.)

Suicide is an option. It's not like he really believes in an afterlife because he's been a scientist far longer than he's been a wizard. And if he lives long enough to make it to the Wizard Competition, after he wins, he'll devote the rest of his life to figuring out exactly the basis of magic, and how it functions. Because it has to be logical extension of the universe that has rules and laws that just haven't been discovered yet. Like the Grand Unified Theory. Also why physics is the smaller, stupider brother that does whatever magic wants it to. Kind of like Alex and Max. So despite knowing that angels exist, he still believes in nothing after death. And that gives him a twisted sense of hope. That death will accomplish what he's been unable to on his own. (The happy ending happens after the monster is dead.)

So he makes a list about various forms of suicide and how each would best be accomplished. And names it The List, because The List is an important part of The Plan. The List takes a while to compile because there are so many ways to die. And if he can make it look like an accident, that would eliminate any guilt on the part of his parents. Because he knows what guilt feels like. And the days when he'd rather be dead than feel guilty are starting to outnumber any other. But guilt is as much part of him as his right arm or the magic that thrums through his veins. And there's a part of him, the scientist, the researcher that's curious about what happens after death.

Hypothesis: The possibility of life after death.

Methodology: Teleport in front of a bus, subway car, train or similar moving vehicle. Teleporting several stories up or over the Marianas Trench would also work.

Conclusion: To be determined. (Monsters aren't stupid no matter what the stories say.)

He's not stupid. Death is always a final option. The final option. He'll hold off suicide until he's got nothing else left. Maybe magic will provide the solution. It has to make his life easier for once, doesn't it? He hates using magic without permission but sacrifices have to be made for the greater good. He spends the next six weeks looking for a spell every chance he gets. He pours through every spell book in the Lair, sometime even sneaking down in the middle of the night to read. Nobody except his sister comments on his mania because they're used to him wanting to know everything. His parents are generally clueless. He's getting all A's in school and he's not deliberately starting trouble like Alex or accidently starting it like Max. So his parents devote their time and energy into putting out the fires, sometimes literally, that Alex and Max start. Max is strange and oblivious and happy. Sometimes he envies his little brother's limited intelligence. Alex mocks him about reading about magic instead of throwing himself into magic and just casting the spell. He mocks her back instead of shutting her mouth with his. (Magic can transform monsters, right?)

There's no spell for this situation. If there ever was one, the wizard who created never wrote it down. Because who wants to write down a spell about how to prevent yourself from stalking a sibling? He can't even go to another wizard. How do you explain you need a spell to not constantly think about your sister? And the hours start to take their toll. He's constantly in front of either a school textbook or a spell book. Because bad grades, after all this time, would gain him the attention of his parents. And the lack of sleep and the constant lies and the having to act normal all chip away at his willpower. He's tired. So damn tired. Tired of pretending to be what he's not. The List calls to him now. It's not all the time. But whenever he's near Alex and has to maintain the facade, or in the middle of the night when all he wants to do is rest but he has to keep going past the point of exhaustion. All he wants to do is lie down and close his eyes. Permanently. (Monsters never stop. They keep coming at you over and over again until you put them down for good.)