A/N: Sorry for the horribly long wait... I haven't even noticed that more than a year passed since I last updated this story T_T I do plan to finish it, as I have a strange love for the pairing ever since I thought of it, but… ahem. Life gets in the way, silly thing that it is. If you have any ideas you'd like to see in the story, feel free to share, I might use them

It was his mother's diary, her most secret thoughts and feelings, spelled out in front of him as if she had just written in there. Tuned to Metamorphmagic, so no one else except her could read it... and now her son. He opened it with a feeling that he was committing sacrilege, but then... he was sure that if his mother knew how confused and unsure he felt, she would give it to him herself.

The first entry began This is stupid. Teddy chuckled at that: he shared the sentiments, as he always found that storing your most private thoughts on paper for everyone to read was bordering on suicidal. However, right now, it helped that his mother had decided to be a little stupid – at least he hoped it would help. With some suspicion, he began to read the whole entry, scrawled in a messy, round, too large script that indicated that the writer was either very young or very... well... mentally underdeveloped. He was sure his mother was not in the latter category, and the only way to find out the rest was to stop thinking crap and read.

This is stupid. No, really, who writes a diary in this time and age? I didn't want a diary, I wanted to change my name for my birthday: 'Nymphadora' is the only thing Mom gave me that's stupider than this diary. Mom, if you're reading this, I REALLY hate that name! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE let me change it? Why couldn't you name me Katie or Julie Alexandra or ANYTHING else?

Or you could have given me that racing broom. I would SO not fall and break my neck! I'm eleven, for Merlin's sake, not four!

And it's not like I'm gonna make it easy for people (Mom) to spy on me and write all my thoughts here or something. No way in bloody hell chance. I'm not cursing, Mom.

Teddy blinked at the messy page and found himself actually grinning. It was obvious that his mother had been quite young when writing this, and it was heart-warming to find one of the few things he knew about her in there. She had hated her name – Grandma had told Teddy the tales of their fights about the subject, and he had used to imagine what she would be called if she could decide. Now he knew it wouldn't be Julie, by the busy scratching-out done over those few poor letters.

Also he knew that what he found was probably just his mother's school-years diary: the small book was far too thin to be holding all her life up to the sadly young age of her death. Teddy sighed and sat down on the bed, only now realizing he had been standing. It was something, for sure, it was a way of knowing who his mother had been – or at least who she had been before she became the person who met his father... but it was a bit disappointing, in a certain sense.

When Teddy realized it was his mother's diary, he had hoped he'd find something about his father in there. His father and Sirius. Because after what happened with Sirius, he needed to know. A thousand possibilities swirled in his head: did they have a thing, before Sirius went to Azkaban? Did they have a thing after Sirius went to Azkaban and escaped from it, or was it just Sirius' one-sided love that never got accepted or maybe wasn't even discovered, and now Sirius regretted not telling his friend he had feelings for him...? And worst of all... did his father date his mother only because of a faint resemblance of Sirius, because his loved man died...?

Teddy groaned. These thoughts were getting him nowhere, and surely they weren't getting him any sleep tonight. At this late hour, everything seemed a possibility, and really, what could he know about his parents' reasons and principles when he never saw them except on some old photographs, and in his mind, when people told him tales old and well-known, all about how responsible his father was and how nice and kind his mother was?

He knew with bitter certainty that most people who could really tell him more about his parents didn't know much themselves. Harry admired Remus Lupin, and certainly liked him sincerely, but all Remus Lupin ever was for Harry Potter was a teacher, a mentor, a friend of James Potter and Sirius Black. It was just as Harry said: several weeks, even months, weren't enough to be able to know someone, really know. It was frustrating – as if the figure of Remus Lupin had never existed, as if he were just some eerie projected image.

Teddy had never felt so far away from his father as at that moment. Maybe that was what made him pick up the diary again and continue reading, to feel connected at least to one of his parents.

To his surprise, the next page was written in a script much neater, apparently by an older person. Thrill buzzed through him as he resumed reading his mother's round letters he knew from the short notes under several of her sketches.

Today they taught us how to spell documents safe: NOW I can use this diary freely, ha ha! Finally some useless info at the Auror training. It took some time, but I found a way to conceal this perfectly and make you show your content only to me, 'dear diary'. I don't know any other Metamorphs beside myself, so it's safe... and probably useful too, what with my head. I forget a lot of things – Roger was really mad at me last month when I forgot I was to meet him at the Leaky Cauldron. Oops. Mom told me I'm never gonna get a man if I forget every date. That's quite possible in fact. I don't know if I should find that amusing or sad... though right now, as I still remember Mom's exasperated face, I'm going for the former.

Teddy chuckled quietly: he knew that look on Grandma's face. It always made him feel as if he was eternally doomed if he didn't get up that instant and start doing something with his life. For someone who was supposed to be all relaxed and cool as a girl, Grandma sure knew how to scold people silly.

But Grandma wasn't Teddy's greatest concern at that moment. He could feel his hands trembling as he dared to sift through the pages in case it did contain some information on his father – and Sirius. Soon he realized that no matter how long he turned them, the diary always looked as if it was opened on a third, maybe fourth page. He started going through them much slowed, scanning the words quickly for some mention of what was relevant: it felt kind of wrong, disregarding so much of his mother's life for the sake of finding bits and pieces of his father's, but at the moment, Teddy wished for nothing more than to find out the truth about Sirius Black and Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks, about this weird triangle that formed in his head and refused to connect its lines clearly between these three people. He swore to himself that he would read everything properly once he was not all fidgety and restless, but he had to know the truth as soon as possible.

His mother had probably taken to writing diary entries, since it took some time until Teddy's eyes caught the word Order. He dove for the writing, feeling slightly reluctant and horribly curious, trying to distil the answer to the question he couldn't even define properly.

Today, I joined the Order of the Phoenix. It's this secret alliance against You-Know-Who – I was surprised to even get the invitation, what with my habit of knocking things down and stumbling over them and so on (heck, I was at least as surprised as when they let me pass the Auror exams) – but then again, this is Dumbledore recruiting. He always had crazy ideas about trustworthy staff – wonderful, yeah, but crazy.

I also met Sirius – he's the cousin Mom used to tell me about, and it was really a bit disappointing. I mean, I know he's been in Azkaban for about a third of his life, but Mom always told me he was this crazy mischief-maker, self-assured, funny, good-looking – and none of that goes very well with who he is now, or at least what I saw in that half an hour of my first Order meeting. He greeted me nicely and all, and asked about how Mom was and all that, but there wasn't much of that spark I had expected.

Teddy found himself quietly nodding at that part. Yes, he also expected someone else from what Grandma told him... but then, Grandma used to know Sirius as a boy, still at school and long before Azkaban. That had to leave an impression on a person, and not really a positive one.

Teddy skimmed through the parts about other Order members, and it took a few pages to turn to discover the first mention of his father.

And then there's Remus Lupin – he's Sirius' best friend, from what I heard, and Molly told me he's a werewolf so I expected this big hairy guy or something, grumpy and angry-looking, but in fact Remus is all kind and polite. Too bad they didn't let him teach at Hogwarts, he looks like he knows what he's doing.

Some feverish page-shifting brought him to another short mention, and another, and another, and mostly, they were just odd bits and pieces of not-really-information, but Teddy devoured them with something close to desperation, trying to convince himself with all the Remus helped me today and Remus said. There was rather more on Sirius, though nothing relevant to Teddy's point. It was all mostly about what Sirius said to Severus Snape, which Teddy's mom found hilarious most of the time, and scary on a few occasions, and then there were rather vague descriptions of the old house and how it tied with Sirius' rather gloomy mood most of the time. Teddy thought that living in a house full of the heads of house-elves must've been pretty frustrating, not to say anything about the one and only house-elf survivor... but it was still faintly disturbing that his Mom seemed to know Sirius only at his worst.

The tone, however, changed as the entries neared the time around Christmas.

Sirius was in a better mood today, she wrote, despite what happened to Arthur. Molly and the kids were terribly relieved that he'll be fine, but Sirius seems to be happier about the fact that they'll be staying with him here in Grimmauld's Place for Christmas. I'm almost sorry I'll only be able to stay for a little while – Mom didn't seem all too happy about the idea of me spending Christmas somewhere else. She still didn't get over me being in the Order (as in, doing something she doesn't know about, but she knows I'm doing something dangerous, damn her sixth sense) and no doubt she'll spend most of the holidays trying to talk me out of this whole deal. Can't wait. Ha ha.

But at least we got the presents sorted – Remus was obviously worried about that somehow, but Sirius said they'd get Harry something together, and Remus seemed glad. He's really poor, and it's really unfair. He's great with DADA, it's a shame the jerks at the Ministry can't see past his monthly issues, despite the fact that I'm more cranky on monthly basis than him. It's really, really unfair... and I thought of getting him something nice, but he probably won't accept anything big so I guess I'll get him that book he was talking about last week, he seemed pretty excited about it. I hope he'll like it – well he's that kind of a guy who'd thank me and pretend to be very happy even if I got him a cookbook or something... but I really, really want to make him smile for real. He deserves it after all the shit he has to go through every month, and not just that: I think we'd all go insane if he weren't here, especially Molly and Sirius. Speaking of which, what do I get him?

-socks? Heck, I'm not ninety, I don't get people SOCKS.

-a new jumper, something bright and cheery? He'd kill me.

-a bottle Yeah like he doesn't actively go through the liquor cabinet in the library often enough. Who can blame him, being locked up in this crazy house and having to listen to Snape. Merlin, I don't like that guy. He made my life living hell at Potions.

Getting sidetracked again. What do I get Sirius? He'd appreciate a day out of this house but that's impossible.

Though I AM a Metamorphmagus. Technically it wouldn't be impossible. But I'd have to tell Remus, he'd know right away it was me and we need somehow to plan Sirius' getaway, and Remus should go with him. I'll steal some Polyjuice at work...

I feel like I'm in Hogwarts again. Hell yeah.

Teddy ended up snorting with suppressed laughter at that. His mother really was mad... beautifully, warmly mad, risking a damn lot just to make Sirius happier for a few moments. He shifted through the description of family Christmas because he knew all that – if his Grandma was good at something, it was definitely keeping up with her made-up traditions like Christmas pudding or special candles that smelled of apples and cinnamon.

I nearly died when Molly asked me to help her clean the attic. I mean, I have watched Sirius for long enough to know that sometimes it's enough to just huff and not talk much and shrug when asked, but I was still dying from nervousness. I thought she was SO going to bust me! It was about an hour before I could clean out to Buckbeak and sit there and pretend to mope for a bit – that hippogriff needs to be washed, seriously. But I'm not gonna do it: I bet he knew I wasn't Sirius too, because he kept snapping at me and shuffling. My back was killing me by the time the guys got back, but it was definitely worth it – in the end we had to use Dung's hair for the Polyjuice since me being a Metamorphmagus and all would probably end up in Sirius being disfigured for life. And Dung still worries I'll tell Mad-Eye about his shady business with the twins, so he was all that much eager to help. Sirius complained like hell and said that being Mundungus Fletcher meant the worst three hours of his life, but he positively beamed when they got back and hugged me – nothing more, but I could see it in him that it was really a great thing to him. I even thought we could do that more often, but that would be pushing it too much. And even Remus seemed to have lightened up a bit – he was the one to say 'thanks' properly in words, but it was that smile that counted. Remus smiles all the time, but somehow this felt like he meant it, and I got the feeling that this meant more to him than the book I got him. Must be pretty tough not being able to walk around normally with your best friend, I guess.

Teddy felt his breath hitch in his throat as he stared at the few sentences over and over again. Meant more to him... lightened up... thanks. At any other situation he would have not worried about it for a second, but as he remembered Sirius' words, he couldn't help but wonder whether there was something more behind all this. Was his father really just concerned about his best friend's well-being...?

"Teddy?" a sleepy voice announced Ginny just a second before she opened the door, and Teddy mentally cursed himself for not using Lumos instead of full lights: he often forgot that he could use magic freely now. He managed, just barely, to stuff the diary under his pillow and looked at Ginny's alarmed face.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yes, thanks," he managed a smile, even though he wanted nothing more than to tell her everything and beg for some advice, or even solution. She was really like a mother to him... but there were some things that almost-mothers couldn't manage. Some things, even mothers had a really hard time dealing with, and some things were impossible to say for the sons.

She watched him for a while as if she was expecting an explanation or a confession of sorts, then turned to leave him: in her long nightshirt and with her pale bare feet, she exuded a strange air of unguarded trust and it made Teddy feel so much tenderness towards her all of a sudden that he whispered loudly, calling her name:

"Ginny?"

"Yes?" she turned back, expectation and interest clearly on her face.

"Did... did Sirius tell you something about my father?"

He could tell when she didn't want to talk about something: he could always tell somehow, when he tried, and now he was focusing with all his being to feel what he couldn't hear or see. And she put up her guards so quickly that it was really impossible to overlook.

"Why do you ask?"

Teddy didn't have to think much about whether to tell her or not. She was great and trustworthy and honest and caring and tolerant, but she was also an overprotective mother and hearing him say that Sirius had kissed him in a drunken daze as he had thought Teddy was his dead father... that was never really an option.

"I was just wondering," he shrugged and gave her a small smile saying 'I'm fine'. "Good night."

"Don't stay up too long. Sweet dreams," Ginny smiled back and closed the door behind her. Teddy suddenly felt like crap. He had been going through his mother's private thoughts and memories, and Ginny's presence just made him think about how she would feel if Albus or James were doing the same to her. Not very pleased, that was for sure.

He pulled out the small diary from under the pillow and altered the colour of his hair a little bit – the writing was wiped off the pages in a second and only the dull, empty pages stared back at him. With a promise to himself to not read it again, and with knowledge he wouldn't keep that promise, Teddy fell to restless sleep.