My thanks to Sylvain for the beta work

Meltdown

Part 4

Jackson's gaze was fixed on the police station's door. Considering how early it was, there had been plenty of comings and goings, but there was no sign of Aaron. The officer had told him to come for seven, he'd got here at quarter to, and it was now twenty past... where was he? He hadn't kicked off, had he? Got himself into more trouble? Jackson knew he shouldn't be thinking that way, thinking the worst of Aaron, but the way he'd been behaving, it was possible.

The door was opening again and Jackson peered even more intently at it, "Thank god!" He heaved a sigh of relief on seeing his boyfriend, but was soon hit by a wave of concern, the bowed head, the slumped shoulders told him Aaron was still in a bad place.

When it looked like Aaron wouldn't see him and just walk on past, Jackson opened the passenger side window and called his name, he hoped Aaron wouldn't need any more persuading than that to get in the van.

Jackson's voice had startled him, had jolted him out from his thoughts. He wasn't expecting anyone to be waiting outside for him, had been going to get a taxi, intent on cleaning himself up before he saw anyone. But now, he had to somehow face Jackson, and after what he could remember of last night, it wasn't going to be easy.

"You ok?" Jackson cringed on realising what he'd just said, of course Aaron wasn't ok, he was far from ok. He was grieving for Paddy, and considering how drunk he'd been the night before, was almost certainly suffering the hangover from hell this morning.

"What're you doing here?" Aaron asked quietly as he slipped into the seat beside Jackson, deliberately avoiding eye contact as he did so.

It wasn't the warmest of greetings but considering the silence and then the rage of yesterday, it was music to Jackson's ears. It had been made in a sheepish tone and, for some reason, that heartened Jackson a little and he replied softly, "Why do you think I'm here?" He'd been about to detail his reasons, was going to start by telling Aaron he was here because he cared so much about him, but Aaron was too quick with a reply, an indignant one.

"I could have found my own way home." He wasn't helpless, he wasn't a child, he could take care of himself.

"You couldn't last night." Jackson wanted Aaron to know he was aware of what had happened last night, but didn't think it would do any good to come right out and confront him with all the facts.

"Yeah, well, maybe I didn't want to go home last night!"

It wasn't so much anger as irritation in Aaron's voice, still it troubled Jackson, so too the statement, had he meant it or was he just lashing out again? Either way, he wasn't going to respond in kind, he was though determined to remind Aaron that he cared about him, "I was worried when you just took off..."

"I don't have to tell you my every move," Aaron snapped, this time pinning Jackson with an icy glare.

"No, but like I said, I was worried ..."

"Well, you don't have to worry about me."

"I care about, you so of course I'm going to worry about you..."

"Can we just get home?" Aaron really didn't want to hear that from Jackson right now, Jackson wouldn't be going to all this trouble if he knew what he'd done to Adam, about him getting 'friendly' with another man. Just how friendly, he didn't know, he could only remember so much, what happened after that point was all a blank. He had a very uneasy feeling about it though, a guilty feeling. It wasn't the only thing he didn't remember. The Duty Sergeant had told him he'd been drunk and disorderly but was being released without charge, he hadn't elaborated any further though and he hadn't asked for details, he didn't really want to know what he'd done to get arrested, had told himself it was better if he didn't know. It was one less thing on his conscience.

"Yeah, course we can." Jackson relented, he could well understand Aaron wanting to get home, he'd be wanting a shower for starters, he was certainly in need of one. After starting the engine and moving off into the morning traffic, Jackson glanced at Aaron. He found he'd closed his eyes, and his head was now leaning against the window, seemingly in an attempt to sleep. Jackson heaved a resolved sigh, he would let Aaron win this round, let him shut him out, the van wasn't the best place to talk anyway. But once he'd got Aaron home, once he was back amongst the familiar, once he was somewhere he felt safe, he would get him talking.

The following twenty minutes had passed in silence, and it had given Jackson time to think, to give himself a little pep talk. He was going to have to stand his ground, maybe even push Aaron into opening up, just like Paddy had done.

Aaron had tried not to think of anything, had tried to block all thoughts as he'd pretended to be asleep, but he hadn't been able to. His mind's eye kept replaying the moment he'd seen Paddy's body being taken away. Paddy deserved so much better than that. He shouldn't have died like that! He hoped to God that it had been quick, that he hadn't suffered… he couldn't bear to think of him in pain. Why hadn't Adam called him the second it had happened? He could have been there in no time at all, he could have done something, helped him in some way… he could have at least been with him when he died. When he thought of all the times Paddy had been there for him… and the one time Paddy had needed him, he hadn't been there. He'd let him down then… and in so many ways in the time since. Why had Paddy cared so much about him? He couldn't understand it. He was no good, a waste of space… his dad, his real dad had realised that and then washed his hands of him. Like everything else right now it just didn't make sense.

The van had just turned a corner and as he'd suspected, on opening his eyes, found they were in Emmerdale, Jackson now pulling up outside the Smithy. He didn't want Jackson around, not the mood he was in, so eyeing him steadily said, "You might as well go back to the flat, I'm going to take a shower then I'm going to bed for a bit." That sounded reasonable enough, didn't it? Jackson couldn't take exception to that.

Jackson stared silently at his boyfriend. Did Aaron really think he could get rid of him so easily? He waited until Aaron had got out of the van, then got out himself, walking around the vehicle to where Aaron was now standing, looking at him questioningly.

"Didn't you hear what I said?" Aaron demanded impatiently, why couldn't Jackson see he needed to be on his own.

"I heard you, but I'm needed here." With that, Jackson made for the front door, he knew Aaron would have more to say on the matter and out of respect for Paddy, he wasn't going to have such a 'discussion' where everyone could hear them. Aaron had followed him into the kitchen and so he turned around to face him, ready for his protests.

"I don't want you here!" Aaron spat angrily.

"You're grieving, you're not thinking clearly…"

"I just need some sleep…"

"No, you're pushing me away, Aaron, when you should be letting me in. You need me." Jackson said gentle, hoping to convince his boyfriend of that fact.

"No I don't. And I don't want you in my face."

"Go take a shower, I'll make you something to eat."

"I don't want anything, and I don't want you here, Jackson." How many times was he going to have to say it?

"Just some toast..."

"No."

"Aaron, you haven't eaten anything since..."

"I just told you, I don't want anything." Aaron's voice soared in exasperation. "Go home, will you, I don't want you here."

"So you keep saying. But the fact is, Aaron, you don't know what you want or need right now, I do. And I know Paddy would have wanted me here, he'd have wanted me here for you."

"Yeah, like you'd know what he'd have wanted. You barely knew him, he was nothing to you!"

"He was a good friend and more, I know how he felt about you, how much he loved you, I know he'd want me to help you through this."

"I don't need any help. I certainly don't need you!"

Jackson watched Aaron turn on his heels and make for the stairs, blowing out a shaky breath as he did so. He wasn't finding this easy, he hated confrontation and that was what the exchange, him standing his ground, had amounted to. He wasn't sure if Aaron retreating just now was a good or a bad thing but he couldn't help but feel relieved. As well as giving Aaron some time to calm down, it would allow him to muster some emotional strength... he was going to need it.

TBC