Her loneliness grew steadily until it dominated her emotions. What started out as a nagging feeling became so strong that she resolved to break out of her comfort zone to find a friend, someone who would talk to her and maybe even share a joke. On an average weekend she left the house only to buy groceries, the rest of the time she tried very hard to rekindle her relationship with her daughter.
It never got easier; to be among the team and yet somehow be utterly alone. To have everyone believe the lies that weighed heavy upon her soul.
It was her fault. She had chosen the path that lead to having to weave herself into their lives. Naturally they came to love her and once they loved her it became her burden to bear the terrible truth. They only loved her lies and the character she played.
With this truth crept a dark feeling, cold and void of hope. It made every word that slipped from her lips feel dirty. Soon her smiles were reflexive and her eyes were dull, so empty. When she laughed it sounded hallow like the laugh of a man about to die.
Night was always the worst. A hellish kind of isolation where her only company was loneliness and loneliness would never leave.
She rapidly blinked back the tears and fanned her eyes with her hand in attempt to hide all evidence of her pain. Kurt barely spoke to her unless it was absolutely necessary. She had come so much to care about him and had stupidly thought he felt the same for her but what he did wasn't something she could forgive easily. It wasn't something that deserved to be forgiven easily.
Tasha had come around just a bit, as did the rest of the team and she was happy about that but she still needed their forgiveness —she carved their forgiveness.
She continued walking at a slow pace. She was in no hurry to get to the FBI and deal with their sometimes snide remarks or their silent yet taunting stares. Some days were much better than others. Patterson had been the nicest to her and for that she was grateful. She was grateful for even the tiniest bit of kindness.
It was cold, even with her sweater and coat, but it didn't matter. The day was illuminated with that special cold, pale light only winter's sun could give, and the rain from last night made everything glow with a really slippery ice. It was clear that if it rained that night again, it would fall snow instead of water from the sky. It was the perfect day for staying home, but she had to exit from her house.
With that revitalizing cold and the soft air, she had stupidly been afraid that her tears might freeze as they were falling over her face, but they only kept going down and making her cheeks feel even colder than the rest of her body.
Leaving aside her broken, frozen heart, of course.
Alex had to remain a secret, not only because of how strained her relationship with the FBI was but because she needed the one thing that was actually hers to keep being just hers.
The only thing no one could ever take from her. Not the FBI, not the CIA, and especially not even her own mother.
Now that she knew about Alex she was going to do all she could to keep her safe and she would try her hardest to give her a normal life.
She owed her that much.
"Good morning, Jane," Patterson mused a little too happily. I always thought it was suspicious how Patterson would randomly come and talk to me when no one else would.
"Hi Patterson," I said turning to face the blonde haired woman.
"How are you?"
Her smile grew even widen at that and she dragged me to her lab, shutting the door before she prattled my ears off as she always did when we had nothing better to do.
She would talk about this random new guy, though I knew it was Borden I would never come right out and say it. I didn't want her to think I was eavesdropping on their conversations or anything like that. I didn't mean to walk in on them eating each other's faces off. Borden and I had a session at session at 10:30am but I left earlier, hoping to get it out of the way quickly so I could go spend a little time with my daughter. I hadn't made my arrival known, I just slowly backed out leaving them alone.
"He's fluent in alot of languages kinda like you so I was wondering if maybe you'd like to teach me some Arabic? Please!" She was basically flying out of her chair by the time I agreed. She pulled me into a hug so hard I actually felt my bones crack.
"You're welcome." I found I felt extremely satisfied at Patterson's suddenly happiness. She deserved to be happy — they all did.
"I should probably get going now, Patterson," I told the excited woman, standing to gather my belongings. Her hand grabbing mine stilled my actions.
"What's his name?" She asked, practically yelling.
"You've been leaving everyday at the same exact time since the past week and the mornings when you finally come in later than you normally do, you'd down three cups of coffee in almost one sitting so tell me, what's been keeping you so tired?" Patterson asked, tapping her chin to appear thoughtful.
A very energetic three year old..
"I just haven't been sleeping that well," I answered. It wasn't an entire lie, sometimes I'd still get vicious nightmares but I haven't gotten them since I was reunited with Alex. She keeps the bad dreams at bay.
Her smile faltered a bit and she looked a bit sympathetic before a smile, larger than the first few, stretched across her face.
"The sex must be amazing if you aren't sleeping well," she smirked, bumping our shoulders together playfully.
"Nothing like that, Patterson. I'm not seeing anyone," I assured her with her with a small smile.
"I'll tell you who I'm seeing and you'll tell me about your mystery guy. On the count of three, alright?"
"Patterson —"
"3...2 —"
"You really don't have to. I respect your priva —"
"It's Borden"
My eyes widen, not from the shock of learning they were together but from how she actually went through with that. They have so secretive for the past few months I didn't think they'd want anyone to know but she just openly told me. Something was definitely up.
"I know right? It was a shock to me, too," Patterson said, grinning wildly.
"That's uh — that's very sweet, Patterson," I said, trying to sound happy for her.
"Now tell me about the guy," she asked happily pulling me back to sit.
"There's no guy, Patterson." I was getting slightly bored with the repetitiveness of this conversation. Patterson was lovely but I'd rather she just kept her observations to herself. I was keeping Alex a secret for a reason.
"Jane —"
"Can you please just leave it be? I don't want to talk about it."
Patterson slumped back in her chair, looking almost defeated.
"Jane, no one's gonna be mad at you for living your life. You're young and beautiful. If you want to date it's okay," she said with such sincerity I felt my eyes water.
"I appreciate that Patterson but even if I wanted to date, which I'm not, no one would want to date a tattooed freak, especially a tattooed freak with the assistant director of the FBI's name inked on her back."
Patterson grew sympathetic then.
"You think I haven't met guys that I could be interested in? But no one wants that kind of person and knowing my life is probably never going to get better I think it's best for me to just sit it out. Being alone isn't so bad," Actually being alone was the worst thing ever.
Patterson understood then how utterly alone and torn up her friend really was.
"Jane —"
"It's fine. I should go now, I'm meeting Roman.'
Quickly, I made my way out of the lab, hoping she wouldn't try to call me back. She didn't.
I was already late meeting Alex so I walked a little further from the FBI before calling Roman to come get me.
"Can I have cookies, mama?" Alex asked, batting those green eyes at me. I smirked, kneeling in front of her so that we were eye to eye.
"Alex, don't we have this conversation every night? Hm? No cookies for dinner, kiddo."
I waited patiently to hear her famous four words pelt out of her mouth.
"Uncle Ro lets me," she explained, looking over at the dining table where Roman sat stuffing oatmeal cookies into his mouth greedily.
"Uncle Ro is a child," I said causing her to giggle.
The sweetest sound, my favourite sound.
"How about pizza?"
"No."
"Lasagna?"
"Sorry"
"You are not a cool mom," Roman said, banging his fist on the table in a child like manner.
The night pretty much went on with Roman eating all of the cookies and me forcing Alex to have some oatmeal.
"I don't want," she insisted, pushing the bowl away.
"Alexandra, what's with the tantrum tonight? You need to eat this then get to bed. I have to work tomorrow." Her green eyes filled with tears. Roman stopped munching on his little snack and looked over at us.
"Look, help me out here, kid. I'm trying." Reluctantly, she opened her mouth and let me feed her without a hassle. When she was finished, she just sat glued to the seat. She wouldn't even look up at me.
Roman sensed how tense this entire thing was making me. She was fine every other night, I didn't understand why she was lashing out like this.
"What's wrong, baby?" She shrugged her small shoulders and fiddled with her fingers.
I was growing more and more frustrated by the second because something was clearly bothering my daughter and I couldn't do anything about it because I didn't know what it was.
Is this what parenthood is like?
"Alex."
Still nothing, not even a flinch.
"Alexandra."
I looked over at Roman for some sort of assistant, obviously he knew my daughter way more than I did. He just nodded and walked over to where Alex sat, I moved out of the way so he could have complete access to her.
"You need a bath, kiddo," he said poking her in the sides. A small smile gathered at her lips and slowly, she looked up at him. Her green eyes were still glistening with unshed tears but she smiled through it and nodded. She grabbed Roman's outstretch palm and allowed him to take her away.
What was I doing wrong? Am I supposed to just let her have cookies and pizza for dinner so she doesn't hate me? I may not have all of my memories back but even I knew that wasn't an idea diet for a child.
Thirty minutes later Roman appeared at the doorway, soaking wet.
"Did you jump into the tub with her?" I asked laughing quietly. The scowl on his face only made me laugh harder until tears were streaming down my cheek.
"Just go dress the kid," he said gruffly, making his way over to the bedroom I later learned was his when he stayed up with Alex.
"Alex?" I called easing my way into her room. She was sitting on the floor wrapped up in her Lilo & Stitch towel. The kid had an unhealthy obsession with Lilo & Stitch. We've watched both movies so many times that I know the dialogue inside out.
Alex even suggested that I get 'Ohana means family' tattooed somewhere now that I have alot so that I won't ever forget her again. It was a very sweet thought. I had even considered it but I couldn't do it without drawing unnecessary attention to her.
"Hey there, kiddo. What do you have there?"
Again, I was met with a deafening silence.
The frustration builds and I feel like I might explode but I took the deep breath. The last thing I needed was for my daughter to hate me because I yelled at her. I didn't know what to do and I felt so helpless.
I pushed myself off the wall and inched closer to her. She was huddled over, gripping something tightly in her small hands.
"Can I see that?"
She looked up at me then. I offered her a tiny small and she handed me what she held in her hands.
It was a picture, crinkled from her tight grip on it. I smoothed it gently and felt tears spring to my eyes at what I saw.
It was a picture of the three of us — Oscar, Alex and I. My head was nestled under Oscar's chin, his hand in my hair while I held Alex on my chest. She looked barely over a year with her sparkling green eyes and wild, untamed curls.
"Alex —"
"I miss my daddy. He was the best daddy. Nan said he went to live in heaven. Why did God need my daddy? There's so many other daddies out there. It isn't fair!" She was crying and without hesitation I wrapped her up in arms, rubbing her back gently and whispering how much I loved her into her ear. When her crying had finally quieted down she crawled off of my lap and sat on the floor again.
"You know your father loved you, more than anything. He wouldn't want you to be sad, even though it is very heartbreaking but you have the most important thing; your memories so you won't ever forget daddy. He'll always live with you right here," I explained, placing my hand over the soft thudding of her heart.
"I love you, mama." She inched closer to me, leaning into my shoulder. I wrapped an arm around her pulling her close.
"Do you miss daddy?"
"Everyday. I miss him everyday"
I couldn't lie to her. I did miss Oscar. Things were so simple with him, when I thought I was Taylor Shaw.
"C'mon let's get dressed now." She looked up at me and groaned, closing her eyes pretending to be asleep.
"I'm asleep."
I couldn't help laughing at that. "Then how are you still talking? C'mon clothes now"
"Can I wear Elsa tonight?" She asked with a hopeful gleam in her eyes.
Frozen, another movie I knew inside out. Some mornings when Alex and I woke up before Roman. She'd go over to his door, hit twice and sang, to the top of her lungs, "Uncle Ro, do you wanna hold a snowman!"
It was always the funniest thing when he came out very annoyed but it wouldn't last long because she had him wrapped so tight around his finger.
"Yes, you can wear Elsa."
I quickly dressed her and she was fast asleep before she even got on her bed.
I cuddled in besides her wrapping her in my arms and pulled her into my chest.
"Mom?"
"Hmm?
"Never forget, Ohana means family"
