Trigger Warning: There is brief mention of abortion and self harm in this chapter.
I'm leaning forward on the bed, head resting on my folded arms, drifting somewhere between dozing and being conscious when I hear the soft clink of the restraints moving. They make a light snapping sound, and I know Katniss has pulled her arms up as far as she can, which is only about six inches off the bed. I reach out and take the hand that's closest to me. She clasps it tightly. I sit up and instantly find her grey eyes, gazing at me. She swallows hard.
"Water…" she croaks. I nod and fill a glass with a pitcher sitting on her bedside table. Haymitch shifts on the couch but doesn't get up. He's either sleeping or pretending to be asleep to let us talk. Either way I don't care. I hold the cup up to her lips and trembling she takes a sip, then another, then another. Slowly she drinks half the cup, and I remember her forcing me to drink in the cave during our first games. For an instant I miss being alone with her in the cave, young, before the rebellion, back when we thought if we could just survive life would be simple. She leans back into the pillows, and I set the glass down.
"How are you feeling?" I ask calmly.
"Shaken."
"Completely understandable." I reply trying to smile. I remember Dr. Aurelius' advice about keeping her calm. "Do you want something to eat? I can call a nurse." She shakes her head.
"The baby?" she whispers. I stare at her, unsure what to say. I was told not to talk about it with her, but to answer all her questions and let her take the lead. Dr. Aurelius must have thought she never would bring the subject up herself. I didn't think she would either.
"I should wake Haymitch," I say, my voice shaking, "Tell him to go home. He hasn't slept for more than a few hours." She glances at Haymitch, still lying on the couch behind me. I don't check to see if his breathing is even. I don't want to know if he's awake.
"I…" she gulps. I reach for the water and offer her some. She takes a few sips and starts again. "I…I lost it…didn't I?" My heart drops. I set the cup back on the table. "Please just tell me," she whimpers, looking hard at my face. Unimaginable sadness must be etched on it. She looks like the mere sight of me is causing her physical pain.
"I don't know," I offer lamely. She shakes her head slightly in disbelief.
"I don't deserve you. I wish I'd died the first arena."
"Don't talk like that!" I say firmly, but she's crying now.
"I could have given you everything you ever wanted, but I ruined it…destroyed it." I am shaking my head.
"Katniss," I reach for her, but she winces away from me again. I withdraw my hand. "The doctors don't know if you miscarried. They wanted to do an ultrasound but I wouldn't let them." She begins making the choking sound again, the sound that usually accompanies her sobs. "Do you want me to get Dr. Birk to do that ultrasound?" She pauses, her breathing sounding labored, but then she nods. I get up and move towards the door calling for Dr. Birk. I see him, nod to me and begin to head in our direction.
I come back into the room. Haymitch still hasn't moved. He must be pretending to be asleep, but Katniss is completely focused on me now.
"Why wouldn't you let him do an ultrasound?" Katniss asks confused, her face shining with tears. Before I can answer Dr. Birk arrives.
"Good to see you awake Katniss," he says brightly. "How are you feeling?"
"I want the ultrasound," she says firmly. Relief washes over me. Her voice sounds steady again, not loud but firm. I take Dr. Aurelius' advice and allow her to take the lead. Dr. Birk frowns.
"Dr. Aurelius will be here in a just a few hours. It might be better to wait now that you're awake, in case the results aren't…what you are hoping for." He finishes lamely, clearly not knowing which news would be worse. At this point learning that she is either still pregnant or has miscarried could cause her severe psychological damage. Katniss is shaking her head.
"I need to know," she says, still firmly. Dr. Birk looks at me.
"You said we should wait until she talks with him," he said pointedly. I look at Katniss, then back at the doctor, and shake my head.
"All he would do is help her sort out what she wants. It would be worse if she figures out what she wants and gets the opposite. If she's awake and consenting to finding out, it's probably best to know what we're dealing with." Dr. Birk messages the bridge of his nose.
"I'll call the OBGYN then," he states and turns to leave, and I walk back into the room. Katniss' hands are still tethered down, and I don't have the key to unlock them. She allows me to cup her hand in mine as I sit back down. I stroke her thumb and place my other hand on her cheek caressing it delicately. She bites her lip, looking at me, clearly terrified.
"Whatever you want to do," I tell her, "it's fine."
Twenty minutes later the door opens and a machine is pushed through it. The door knocks against it awkwardly, as the small nurse, who is at least a foot smaller than the contraption and six inches skinner, struggles to maneuver it. I have never seen someone so small. I stand up and push the door back for her, as she huffs and pushes the load into the room.
"Hi!" she chirps. "I'm from Dr. Clora's team." Her voice has a peppery tone to it, and her smile might be fatter than she is. I stare. The concept of being happy at a time like this is so foreign I almost don't recognize the emotion. Haymitch is no longer pretending to be asleep and I hear him spluttering on the couch. "She's on her way down right now."
"Dr. Clora?" I repeat.
"The OBGYN." The door opens again and Dr. Birk walks in accompanied by a tall woman with a sharp jaw line and white jacket.
"Katniss, Peeta this is Dr. Clora," Dr. Birk begins, but Dr. Clora has moved past him and is pulling up a seat next to Katniss. I take the seat on the other side as the doctor's eyes fall on Haymitch.
"You should be waiting outside," she snaps. He splutters more. "Or better yet, perhaps you should go get checked for alcohol poisoning." Her voice is dripping with disdain.
"Is that really necessary Clora?" asks Birk.
"This is my procedure, Birk. I can dismiss whomever I like from the room. Come to think of it, is your presence even needed?"
"It most certainly is," he responds indignantly. "Mrs. Mellark is my patient and has been for five years. I admitted her and prescribed the first sedative, and last I checked you are not at liberty to give her more if it's needed." I tune out of their bickering and look at Katniss. When the nurse entered with the machine, her eyes had darted up to the ceiling. She was refusing to make eye contact with me, and I could hear her taking deep steading breathes. I grip her hand and squeeze.
"Well then," says Dr. Clora, as Haymitch slams the door shut. "Let's get started." She rolls up the shirt of Katniss' pajamas and reaches behind her. The nurse hands her a tube of gel, which she begins squeezing out onto Katniss' stomach. Her eyes snap to Dr. Clora's face, and as the two women make eye contact, Dr. Clora smiles. "Just relax."
The nurse switches the machine on and unhooks a kind of metal wand from it. A screen lights up, and Dr. Clora takes the wand. I grip Katniss' hand harder, and lean down, pressing my forehead against our fingers, closing my eyes. I don't want to see. I hear nothing for a few second. I focus on the feel of Katniss' skin against mine, listening as her breath comes out steady but slightly shallow. Then I hear it. I quick thumping sound…my child's heartbeat. A tear slides down my face. This is all I will ever have. The minutes tick by, and I don't sit up. I can no longer hear Katniss' breathing over the sound of our baby's heartbeat.
"Things appear to be okay." I hear Dr. Clora as though she is speaking from miles away. "That's about what you would expect at a month and a half. If you look right there," she says, "You can see the baby." I don't move. I keep my eyes closed. I don't want to see it. I can hear a slight rustle and feel Katniss' body reposition a bit as she looks at the screen. There is a sound of a switch and the heartbeat stops. The machine has been turned off. I sit up as Dr. Clora wipes the gel off Katniss' stomach. I glance at my wife. She's pointedly not look at me, staring at Dr. Clora as the nurse pushes the machine out again, banging it against the door.
"How are you feeling Katniss?" Dr. Birk asks from the corner, his eyes glued to my wife's face. I can't read any emotion on it. She shrugs.
"See Birk, and you thought she'd need more sedative." Dr. Clora stands up now. "I'll be seeing you both again soon. Come on Birk and give them a minute before you pounce." She pushes past him and leaves. He stares at us for a few more seconds and follows. I look at Katniss. Her eyes are focused on our intertwined fingers. Ten minutes go by and we don't speak. I feel empty on the inside, like everything that could have ever helped me move on with my life has been dangled in front of my face and lit on fire.
"You've always been the one who knows the right thing to say," Katniss whispers. "I need you to start." Her eyes meet mine, and I sigh.
"I don't think I can." I want to give her an out. I know she needs me to. "I want to be selfish, very badly. I don't know how to give you the exit you need." She stares at me as I speak.
"You wouldn't look at the picture." It's a statement.
"I'm just trying to survive this Katniss." She sucks in her breathe.
"I never thought I'd hear you talk about it like this. I thought this was what you wanted."
"I wanted you to change your mind. I wanted to plan it with you. I wanted you to be prepared and in control, have it be a decision we made together. I never wanted this. You…unable to handle it…only in this condition because…because I was a forgetful idiot."
"Peeta," she whispers my name softly.
"I can't get attached," I continue, ignoring her. "I don't want to let myself believe this is ever…going to come to anything." She falls back on her pillow looking dejected.
"What exactly is it that you think you need to survive? Can you just tell me what you think is going to happen?"
"I think that when Dr. Birk comes back, you're going to ask to schedule an abortion." She studies my face.
"I can't do that to you."
"This shouldn't be about me. I'm not the one who was driven to the brink by this. That pregnancy test didn't make me feel suicidal or cause me to have a panic attack and try to rip my skin off." I pause here, my heart rate accelerating at the memory. "The blood, Katniss…" She looks down at the bandages now, as if noticing them for the first time. Tears begin to fall from her eyes.
"I'm…I'm…I'm so…so sorry," she whispers, biting her lips.
"Please don't apologize," I beg her, "Katniss, I just need you to tell me what you need. All I want is to keep you safe and healthy. Tell me. It's okay."
"I want to wait for Dr. Aurelius."
AN: So far I feel like I've gotten a great response. I've actually already written quite a bit of this story, and rereading this chapter reminded me of just how far this story has come and how far it still has to go. I want to know what people are thinking, so please comment with thoughts and feelings and so forth! It helps me feel motivated to keep going!
