This chapter's a bit longer than the rest because I didn't really want to split it up. I'd love to know what you think, especially about the pace of it, would you like me to speed things up or are you happy with how things are moving along? And as usual, if there's anything you'd like to see happen please let me know and I'll do my very best to fit it in :)
TRIGGER WARNING: Eating disorder.
Secrets-Chapter 4
"How is she?" Zoe asked Dixie as the paramedic let her into the house a while later.
"She's asleep, I told her I'd wake her when you got here...she's asked me to help her, it's not a lot but she ate half a slice of toast and had some orange juice before she fell asleep."
Zoe nodded, "you're right, it's not a lot but it's a step in the right direction I suppose, the fact she's asked for help shows she wants to beat this and we shouldn't have to fight too much. I've spoken to psych, I didn't mention any names, I just told them it was about a patient, they've given me some advice, some suggested meal plans and things. ."
Dixie nodded and gestured into her kitchen, "do you want to make a brew? Give Rita five minutes to wake up?"
"Of course" Zoe slipped off her shoes by the door before walking through to the kitchen.
Dixie sat beside Rita and watched her sleep for a minute before gently shaking her shoulders, "Rita Darling" she said softly, "it's time to wake up."
"Wha...what?" Rita mumbled sleepily.
"Zoe's here to see you, it's time to wake up."
Rita frowned and glanced around the room, "she's making a cuppa, I asked her to give you a few minutes to wake up."
Rita nodded and snuggled into Dixie after Dixie had helped her sit up, "thank you."
She was still curled into Dixie when Zoe came into the room, "here we are" she smiled, putting mugs on the table for Dixie and Rita before sitting down in the armchair, "how are you feeling?" she asked Rita softly.
"I've been better" Rita said honestly, "I'm sorry."
"You've got nothing to be sorry for Rita." Rita nodded slightly before Zoe spoke again, "I've got these" she said gently as she pulled an envelope from her handbag, "Dylan ran full bloods on you, these are the results, would you like to see them?"
Rita nodded reluctantly, she didn't, she knew they wouldn't be good but she hoped, she hoped that seeing physical evidence of what she'd been doing to herself would be the kick she needed, "have you looked?" Rita asked.
"Yeah" Zoe said softly, "I have."
Rita opened the envelope and studied the paper for a while, her eyes filling with tears as she read the information, "it's not good is it?" she whispered.
Zoe shook her head, "it's not good no, but it's not so bad that it can't be fixed. It's not going to be easy though."
"I know" Rita whispered, "I, I don't want to be admitted"
"I didn't think you would. I think you would benefit from speaking to someone though, a therapist or…"
Rita shook her head, "no, I mean, I don't...I can't talk about it, not yet"
"Okay" Zoe didn't want to push Rita, "when you feel ready I can refer you to someone" she told the nurse, "I have spoken to psych though" she saw Rita's face fall, "I didn't mention any names, I just said I wanted to speak about a patient, they gave me these" she said as she put a folder on the coffee table, "there's information on support groups if you feel up to that, but there's also information on recovery, suggested meal plans, that sort of thing They suggested some meal replacement shakes if you find eating too much of a jump straight away, it's probably a lot to take in right now but take your time, read through it with Dixie and if there are any questions I don't mind speaking to psych on your behalf."
"Does everyone know?" Rita asked Zoe, unable to look her in the eye.
"No" Zoe said truthfully, "they know you fainted and they know you went home before the end of your shift but the only ones who know anything are Dylan and Me and I give you my word that I will not say anything to anyone without your permission and you know Dylan's not the type to gossip. I'd like you to let me tell Connie though."
Rita's head shot up so quickly Dixie and Zoe were surprised she didn't snap her neck, "what...why?"
"You need time off work" Zoe told her, "I'll need Connie to arrange that, I promise I will only tell Connie though and I will tell her in private."
"Everyone will know though, when I don't come in."
"We can just tell them you've taken some time off, or we can tell them you're ill but not go into detail, it's up to you."
"I don't want people to know...not yet." Rita thought for a moment, "you can tell Connie though."
"Thank you" Zoe sipped at her tea, "can I ask you something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to" Rita nodded and Zoe thought about how to phrase her question, "you said you don't want to talk about what caused you to stop eating, what, what was it that made you change your mind?"
Rita fiddled with the edge of the blanket before answering so quietly Dixie and Zoe barely heard her, but what they did hear broke both their hearts, "I'm scared" Rita mumbled, "I don't want to die."
"You're not going to die" Dixie said firmly as she pulled Rita in for a hug, "I'm not going to let you."
"Dixie's right" Zoe told Rita, "you know the consequences of your actions but you also have the right attitude, the fact you want to change things will only work in your favour, nobody can force you to do this, we can give you all the love and support in the world but you have to want to do this, you have to want to make a change, the fact you keep saying you do means a lot Rita, I believe, and I'm sure Dixie does too, that no matter how long it takes you can beat this."
Rita gestured to the milky coffee Zoe had made her, the smell of the caffeine comforting her, after all, black coffee had been the only thing to pass her lips in longer than she cared to remember but at the same time the colour of the liquid terrified her, pale coffee was milky coffee, milky coffee was fatty coffee, there were no calories in black coffee, but there were at least 20 calories in the milk, "did you put sugar in that?" she finally asked.
Zoe nodded, "two" she thought it best not to lie to Rita.
Rita's hand shook as she slowly reached for the mug, 'that's 40 calories just in the sugar' the voice in her head reminded her as she carefully lifted the mug from the coffee table, 'more if they were heaped spoonfuls'.
"Steady" Dixie noticed some of the hot liquid spill from the mug to Rita's pale hand and gently helped her lift the mug.
Much like she had with the toast Rita sat looking at the murky liquid for a while before taking a small sip, "it's too hot" she whispered as she put it back on the table, "I will drink it though...I will" she tried to convince herself.
Zoe nodded, "I just have one last thing to ask you Rita...do you know how much you weigh?"
Rita shook her head, "I don't think I want to know."
"Okay" Zoe looked at Dixie, "do you have any scales?" the paramedic nodded and Zoe turned her attention back to Rita, "would you mind if I knew? Just so I can keep a track of your progress?"
Rita nodded, "I, yeah, I...don't tell me" she looked at Dixie, "you can come too but I don't want you to look at the scales."
"Okay Darling" Dixie agreed, "shall we go up and do it now? Or I can bring them down here?"
"Bring them down" Rita whispered, "I don't think I can manage the stairs."
Dixie kissed Rita's temple before carefully moving from the sofa and heading upstairs and Zoe moved to sit beside Rita, "I want to help you get through this" she told her, "I mean that, you and Dixie have both got my number, I don't mind if it's the middle of the night I want you to call me if you need anything, even if you just want to talk or cry, anything you need, I'll be there."
"Thank you" Rita mumbled quietly as she fiddled with the blanket.
"Here we go" Dixie put the scales on the laminate as she walked back in the room and turned them on.
"I'm scared" Rita admitted as Zoe helped her over to the scales, "I...it won't be good."
"You don't have to know" Zoe encouraged, "I won't tell you unless you want me to."
Dixie stood in front of the scales, "I'll stay right here and you can keep your eyes on me, I know it's not a pretty sight but it'll give you something to focus on." Rita nodded and stepped on the scales, her eyes firmly fixed on Dixie's as she waited, "we'll go and get your things when we're done here, then we can snuggle up and watch a film or something" Dixie said as she waited for the scales to beep.
"I...my keys are in my locker."
Zoe glanced down at the scales when she heard them beep, trying not to show how shocked she was when she discovered how little Rita actually weighed, "all done" she said, nodding at Dixie, when, without moving her gaze from Rita's she covered the display with her foot. "I'm going to the hospital to talk to Connie" Zoe told Rita as she helped her step from the scales, "I can get your bag from your locker if you want to wait in the car park with Dixie."
Rita nodded, "thank you" she whispered, clinging to Dixie, not entirely certain her legs would support her.
"Shall we go now?" Zoe asked.
Rita nodded and fumbled in the pocket of her scrubs before passing Zoe her locker key, "I just need my bag and my jacket please"
Zoe nodded, "Okay" she smiled, "I'll see you at the hospital" she said softly, "and I meant what I said Rita, anytime you need anything you can call me, you too" she said to Dixie, "I'm here for both of you."
"Thanks Zoe" Dixie smiled as she wrapped one of her own hoodies around Rita's shoulders, "we'll see you at the hospital, won't be long."
