IV
Vader hated having to ride back with Sidious. His presence had become more and more foul and unpleasant. He was boiling with anger and resentment at the treatment he had just received at the hands of his 'master' and wanted his revenge, and his freedom more than anything. But he knew he would not be able to achieve that goal, not now. He had find a way. Luke, he thought, would be the perfect way. Someone younger, healthy, strong and powerful in the force. He must find Luke and bring him to the dark side so he would have the power to defeat Sidious.
When they arrived back in Coruscant, Vader returned Sidious to his home and did not stay. If he had been asked, he would have refused. He stalked back to his own home and went straight to his hyperbaric chamber. The one in his mansion was larger and more comfortable than the one on the Executor. He took off the burden that was his mask and helmet, his suit and the armour, and put on a long black Sith robe so he could relax. In this chamber, he didn't just have the chair, it leaned back into an actual bed. What a relief to get to lay down, it was a simple thing to most beings, but a luxury to him. He always had to stand or sit, or usually sleep sitting up. He was going to sleep now, sleep, and perhaps be sent a vision of what he should do.
Before he went to sleep, he reached for his bedside portable breathing tank and put its connecting hose to his nose. Though he could breathe in the hyperbaric chamber due to special pressurized medicated air, he had a deep fear he would stop breathing in his sleep, and die. So he hooked it up to himself before he fell asleep for insurance, and peace of mind. He lay back and took in its deep, refreshing air. He turned off all the lights, closed his eyes and settled back to fall asleep. His mind wouldn't let him. It was racing in too many directions, feeling too much pent up hatred for Sidious and his entire pathetic situation. Finally he gave up on sleeping, turned on the lights and sat back up. He started to take the hose from his face and disconnect the breathing machine. Then he got an idea.
Vader looked at the breathing machine. It wasn't very big, basically no more than a tank and its power pack and the hose. Inside, it would keep pumping and sending air for him to breathe. He stood up, bent down and picked it up. It wasn't all that heavy. "What if I could take this with me, I could walk around for a time without my suit and remain anonymous..." He'd had this thought before, but never took it seriously out of his mind. It was too dangerous. He had not been out of his chamber or the med units without his suit in 20 years. What if the outside atmospheres of this or some other planet would not permit him to survive in his condition? After so many years, most of his orginal burn injuries had healed, at least to some extent, and he didn't feel there was anything that would be a threat to his life other than his inability to breathe on his own. His other systems were monitored by the life support, but they were functioning on their own. The threat of infection was no longer a great one now that his wounds were healed to scars of various degrees. Even his face, though pale and pasty, was not as deeply scarred as it had been.
He stared over at his suit and helmet with much anger and hatred. That was his prison. It kept him from enjoying life, it kept him from being a totally free man, it kept him a literal slave to Sidious. There were times when he felt he would explode from the feelings of frustration inside him that he was trapped for life in that thing, and times he thought himself better off dead, though he never had the fortitude or the real desire to take his own life. He still feared death, though there were times it seemed an easy way out of his predicament. He didn't want to die, he wanted to live, but not like this, not under control of Sidious! Only Luke could help him now. If he could find Luke, things would improve, it gave him hope.
He also thought of his recent trip, and all he had found out about his wife. So much of the past had come back to him, how Sidious had tricked him and used him, and he knew it was because of his love for her. He felt her deep inside, but he still could not see her face, hear her voice, or recall anything specific about her. He put his hands up to his head and squeezed it, wanting to scream out. His torment was getting worse. He had to find out why and how he forgot. But mostly, he had to find out what he had forgotten!
Cautiously, Vader picked up the portable breathing machine and put it under his robe. It wasn't that heavy, it was less of a load than the suit itself. He connected it to his back using a belt strap and tightened it. Then he connected the hose to his nose. He pulled the robe's hood over his head and around the side of his face to conceal it. He took a look at himself in the reflective durasteel on the side of his chamber wall. No, he thought, no one could see his face if he kept it up like this. He pulled the hood down for a moment and gazed at his face. He couldn't stand to look at it for long, it upset him so much to see what he had become. But he did see that his eyes, which had turned yellow in his anger at Sidious, were blue again. Something inside him turned his eyes blue whenever he thought of her, and when he thought of Luke. This was not of the dark side, but it was strong. It must be love. He thought love was dead in him, but perhaps he was wrong.
Vader had a cloth undersuit on to cover his body and artificial limbs, and he put on gloves and boots. He inhaled once more of the medicated air before hooking up the breathing machine, opening the chamber and stepping out. He stood there on the floor, looking back at his chamber. Should he close it? He was afraid of losing his breath. Even after much meditation he could only manage a few minutes of breathing before he had to run back to his chamber, and eventually, to that suit to sustain his life. There was only one way to find out. He had to venture beyond the chamber and try it. He watched it close like gigantic metal jaws. He turned and walked away. For now, the breathing machine was functioning. He measured, two, five, ten minutes, and he was without the suit and breathing! He wondered now why he had been so afraid to try this years ago. It must be that now, he had a reason to care, and maybe now, he feared a long life in his current situation a little more than death. He also knew he had something he never had since he had been put in the suit, he had hope, he had Luke.
Vader was amazed at how quickly and effortlessly he could stride about without te bulk and weight of his suit. His head felt so light without the helmet. He passed a window and stopped for a moment to stare at the city. How much more beautiful it was without that infernal mask and its goggles he always had to look through. He was happy to be out of the suit, but wondered how long he had. He knew that the breathing machine usually lasted 2 or 3 nights of sleeping without having to be recharged or refilled, so he had at least a day or so of freedom. In that time, he would try to find out more about his wife, more about their life, and more about Luke. He used the force to turn off all the security holograms inside to keep the watching droids from spotting him as an intruder. Taking a back exit where no one would see him, he stepped out onto the street, walking about like a normal man for the first time in 20 years.
He adjusted his hood to completely conceal his face and just leave him enough space to see out of. He held it close with one had at his mouth so no one could see his breathing device. He needn't worry about suffocating himself, since his air came from the breathing tank anyway. The feeling of freedom was unbelievable to him. He was not Darth Vader, second in command of the Empire, he was not even Anakin Skywaker, Jedi Knight, Chosen One. He was just an ordinary man on the street, and in a place where so many beings of different species converged and lived together, his odd appearance would not stand out in a crowd. Since the Jedi had been gone for years, no one thought a man in such a cloak was necessarily of the old order. Sidious wore one, but he was much too tall to be Sidious, and others wore robes of some type too. He felt he would be safely anonymous to do what he needed to do- find out about Luke and his mother, the woman he had once loved so much the pain had made him forget. He walked on, his breathing safely normal, his hooded head down, his long black cloak trailing behind him.
Vader made his way on foot to the city's central library. He didn't want to be concerned with taking a vehicle, someone might recognize him that way. Going into a public restroom, he took off his robe in the stall and checked the gauges on his breathing tank. The air was already half gone. The aerobic walk for several miles had used a lot more than just sleeping. He'd have to be careful to keep track of his supply, his life depended on it. He recovered the machine with his cloak, pulled the hood over his head and walked out into the lobby. He was almost to the computers when he was stopped by a librarian.
"Excuse me, sir, may I help you?" She asked.
Vader didn't know what to say. He didn't even know if he could speak audibly without his voice modulator. He took his hand down from holding the hood over his mouth. He inhaled for a minute, then spoke: "I'd like to see the historical archives, please." There. That had been an effort. It was the first time he'd heard his own voice in so long! He now felt he sounded like the voice modulator and amplifier in the suit and mask. He mumbled to himself now and again in his chamber and some during treatments with droids, but to actually speak to another being in his own voice, it had been a long time. It was his own voice, Anakin's voice, just as he remembered it, only weaker and with labored breathing. It made him feel good, somehow, to hear his old, his own voice, unchanged by machinery.
She had heard and understood him just fine. "Yes, sir, right this way. Do you have a library scandisk?"
Oh no, this was a problem! How could he sign up, he had no ID, and certainly couldn't reveal either of his actual names! He took another long breath of air from the tank and spoke again. "No, I'm sorry, I don't, is that necessary?"
"I can sign you in as a guest. But next time, don't forget your ID."
She walked over to the computers, sat down at one and brought up the archives. "From here, just type in any subject or name and you can search." She began to go through some very basic directions, which offended him, but he held his anger. She thought he was some poor man off the street, maybe even homeless, who had never seen a computer before. Good. Let her think that. He played along, then was very glad to have her go so he could do what he needed to do.He searched around and was surprised at what he wasn't able to find. It appeared as if Sidious had used much censorship in the Empire, especially here in Coruscant, Sidious renamed it "Imperial Center."
At last he found a small biography of Padme Naberrie Amidala. It looked like it was written by students who knew very little about her. He did another search, and came up with a link to an image. An image! His heart beat faster and his breathing picked up, causing the lights on his machine to blink differently. He tried to calm down, but he couldn't. He was going to see her, he was actually going to see her! He was almost afraid to go there, but he clicked. He waited a few seconds, then it materialized. First he saw the long, thick dark curls. Then the face. He could not look at it, but he could not look away. She captivated him, she had a power over him. Though he did not recall the details of their lives, he did remember her.
This image was not at all strange to his eyes or his mind. He knew without a doubt that this was her, he had seen that face before, and been very close to it. He enlarged the image until it took up the entire computer screen. He wanted to print it off, but had no money on him. He just sat there, for a long time, staring at it. It did not bring any concrete memories to the surface, but the emotions associated with her started to rise in him. These were things he had not felt in so long he couldn't remember, and they were not comforting to him. He heard Sidious's voice telling him he had killed her. Why? Was it even true? She had to have lived to have had Luke, and ObiWan took him away. But he couldn't let Sidious know that. He couldn't share this with anyone, and it was causing him much suffering. With warm tears welling up in his eyes, he turned off the monitor and walked away.
On his way out the door, the same librarian ran up to him. "Did you find everything you needed, sir?" She called out.
He turned and looked at her, not knowing what to say. No, he hadn't, but what he had seen was more than he could take for now. Much of the truth of the old Republic and the Jedi had not been allowed to be in the archives of the Imperial Center Central Library, so he would have to search elsewhere for more. "Yes, thank you." He managed to say, but in his haste to leave, he had not pulled his hood up far enough, leaving most of his face exposed. She stared into his eyes for a time, and he could see her expression change, like she almost recognized him. He turned to walk away.
She followed him. "Sir, sir!" she called, tugging at his cloak.
He pulled away from her and turned around, almost yelling at her. "What is it?"
"Do I know you..."
"How could you, no."
"I just thought..there is something about you that reminds me of someone I used to know. It's your eyes, and even your voice, I know I've met you before. You are very like a young man I had such a crush on, years ago, when I was a teenager, he was a..." she knew better than to utter the word "Jedi" in a public building of the Empire, so she stopped herself. "He had the most beautiful eyes, there was something about them, I could never forget those eyes. He was a very kind and handsome guy, he was..."
Vader cut her off. "Was he disfigured, like me? See, it can't be, leave me alone."
'I guess you're right. But for a moment it seemed..."
"I must go." He pulled his hood up as far as he could and stomped away.
He realized she did see something in him, though he was scarred and had to use a hose to breathe, she knew Anakin enough to have remembered his eyes and his voice. She knows too much now, she will have to be eliminated. He would sign her death order as soon as he got back to his office. She would be taken away in the night, and no one would ever know what became of her. Who was she, he thought, just one of many girls who must have swooned over his poster boy image in the days of the Clone Wars. No loss, her demise. Then, something came over him, suddenly, it felt wrong. For years, his deeds had not bothered him, but this one did. He could feel he didn't want to kill her. But he couldn't let her go on thinking Anakin Skywalker was alive. He turned and went right back to the libary. It was empty, all except for her and Vader. He realized that in his emotional state and in his rush to leave, he had forgotten to close the browser! Coming up behind her, he saw she had turned on the monitor and was staring at the picture of Padme. "I knew it" she said to herself. "that's his wife, it was him!"
She didn't realize he had snuck up behind her. "Who?" he said as loud as he was able. Startled, she gasped and turned around. When she saw him her face was full of terror. "Oh, I'm sorry, sir, I.."
"What do you know of her?"
"Just that she was a senator, and she was his wife..."
"She wasn't married, was she?" He played her to see what she knew.
"It was a secret. They lived the most romantic forbidden love, but nobody knew. There were rumors all over the city, later, after she, after they, were dead."
"How did they die?"
"I don't know. They both died the same time the Empire came to power. I saw her funeral on TV."
"What of him?"
"I-I don't know, he disappeared then too, they say he was lost in the...the..." She was afraid to speak of the Jedi purge.
"Order 66? The terror, the purge of the Jedi Knights?" Her head snapped toward him and in shock. She had never heard anyone say it out loud.
"You must not speak of such things, or the Empire might..." she stopped and gazed into his eyes again. "It's you, isn't it? You were hurt badly but you're alive and you're back, can you save us, help us, please..."
He was horrified to hear her speak of the Empire as if it were a monster in need of slaying. Was this how most residents felt? Was it that bad? He had never even considered, or cared, about that, until now. "Who is it you think I am? You may speak his name, it is only the two of us here."
She looked around apprehensively, then muttered softly. "Anakin Skywalker."
Vader didn't know what to do. He wanted to kill her and hug her at the same time. His feelings were betraying him coming and going. In a way he hated her for knowing, yet he loved it too. He was not going to kill her. But he couldn't let her go about with such dangerous knowledge of his identity. He touched her chin to raise her face to look into his. She stared into his eyes, deep blue and hypnotic, penetrating from inside the dark hood of the cloak. He waved his hand in front of her face. "You didn't meet me today, I was never here. No one has come to the library asking to see the archives."She repeated his words. "No one has been here today asking to see the archives, I did not meet you..."
When she appeared dazed enough not to think any more of it, he turned and left, satisfied his Jedi mind trick had worked, and her life would be spared. But this let him know that even scarred, if someone recalled his features and his voice that well, there would be others who might do the same. He would not venture out alone out of the suit again, at least not on Coruscant, Imperial Center. However, there were other places. He just had to make sure he had enough air in his tank for travel, and he'd have to keep it all a secret from Sidious.
As soon as he returned home, he found he had a large number of messages left for him, several of them from Sidious himself. Quickly as he was able, he put his suit back on and headed over to face him. Sickening himself to kneel before him, and to bow his head and say "What is thy bidding, my master?"
"Lord Vader, where have you been today? Why did you ignore my calls?"
"I was asleep, and meditating."
"I sense you are lying. I sense things in you I have not felt in years."
"Like what, my master?
"I sense the same conflict I felt in your former self."
"You are mistaken, master. It is only the grief caused by learning the truth of my wife, I thank you for telling me. I had to deal with the issue on my own, I am after all still part human."
Sidious squeezed the arms of his throne chair and glared at Vader. "Yes, Lord Vader, I can allow that you must have some feelings for her. You are excused, for now."
"Master, may I ask a favor of you?
"What is it?"
"May I be granted a time of leave, a few days to go to one of my outpost homes and meditate on this?"
"I suppose I can do without you, but no more than four days, our time here. You will return then and be prepared for your next mission."
"Yes, my master. I will leave tonight."
"As you wish. But, in all things you do, do not forget who is your master."
Vader snarled under his mask as he faced him one more time. He knew this was a threat, and that he was likely going to be followed if he could not lose the spies. He'd have to be very crafty to do what he wanted to do and avoid all Imperial involvement. He choked on the words he knew he must speak. "Yes, my master."
He turned and walked away so fast his cape twisted around backwards. He went home to prepare for his journey that would take him to the darkest places of the past.
