Chapter Four

Dungeons & Douchebags


⠀⠀⠀⠀Home; the place where one lived permanently, especially as a member of a family or household. Growing up, I had a loving mother and father. Even a grandpa, who lived with us. We were a military family, set in Dallas. If I was lucky, I got to see my father once or twice a year. He was always on active duty, and spent most of his time out west, in El Paso. Sometimes, I even visited the desert city to see him when he was in base. It was always fun eating authentic Mexican food right on the border, and I liked the mountain and heat. I even got to ride on top of a tank once, and it was amazing.

⠀⠀⠀⠀Growing up, my home divulged into chaos when my grandpa died from a heart attack that crept up on him. There were no warnings. He just gasped, and died in front of me. We had been working on my homework and were making fun of the way my teacher wanted my paper to be formatted. A few days later, my father died overseas, and I found out over myspace. My mother wasn't even able to tell me in person. I learned it from everyone else sending her love letters and their prayers. Then mother died a year later in a car accident. She worked two jobs, was overstressed, and went out for one drink with a coworker she liked.

⠀⠀⠀⠀I was thirteen when she died. To say I was used to living alone was an understatement. I was always alone. This new life, this new home, wasn't going to be any different, but what the Hokage failed to mention to me was that my new home sat on a hectare, one-hundred square meters, of land. The gate and wall alone reminded me of the Hyūga compound, and as I pushed my way in, I just gasped at the massive walnut tree in the yard. It was at least thirty meters (~100 ft) tall. The other trees in my yard were a small bonsai tree in the far corner of the yard and a black pine tree with a bench beneath it behind my new, regal home. The tree was so much bigger than it, but even then, it was still larger than my old apartment.

⠀⠀⠀⠀Two rooms, one a master bedroom with its own bath and shower, a laundry room, a sectioned off kitchen, a living room, and a smaller bathroom with a shower. The voice told me that depending on the time era that I entered in, technology would only be a few years behind where it was in my world. I knew Naruto was using computers when he became Hokage, but as I looked at the brand new washer and dryer, I was reminded of those old things my mother used to wash our clothes. They were a pale cream color, with knobs, and while the washer was top loaded, the dryer was front loaded. They both were made from metal, and as I pulled open the dryer, I was hit with the 'new appliance' smell.

⠀⠀⠀⠀It was going to be a pain getting used to this new life, and not having internet or television, but then again, just how much of the Naruto world did I not know about? They had guns, and by the Chūnin Exams, Sasuke was able to dodge sound-based attacks, meaning he could dodge most bullets at that point. It also ment that most able Chūnin and Jōnin were capable of the same feat. Not all, but some. They had radio but it was hard to tell if it was used to broadcast music. They had hospitals, with lights, and x-ray machines, printed paper, and even were able to broadcast video for the five Daimyō. Was the technology there? Yes, but was it public? I didn't know.

⠀⠀⠀⠀But for now, my home was simple. The floors were made of tatami, the doors were shōji, the red roof was shingled and made of clay, and the engawa that wrapped around my house was clean, waxed, and welcoming. In my room, the items the Hokage were listed off were waiting for me, and with a bit of rearranging, it was too my liking. They were even grateful enough to give me twelve rolls of toilet paper, two towels, a laundry basket, and a fluffy body pillow. If felt like winning the lottery, but now that I was alone, I looked to my menus and spent the last hours of my day going over everything I missed.


'You have slept for eight hours, and gained the 'Well Rested' perk.'

⠀⠀Well Rested: It's harder for you to gain levels of exhaustion, and you gain a bonus to experience equal to your level.


⠀⠀⠀⠀The pop-up was annoying, but I waved it away and pulled myself out of bed. With nothing to do today, I walked over to my fridge and opened it. The food I was given was basic but enjoyable. Milk, some fruit that needed to be refrigerated, and bread. I decided to eat the precut strawberries, peaches, and mangoes from breakfast, and for the first time, look over the dungeon options. It advised me to go through the tutorial, and so I did. With my bowl of fruit in hand, I was teleported off to a large white room. The floors and walls were marked in squares, and in front of me was a dummy, like the ones that you see inside of cars when they crash.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"So that's what it feels like to be teleported," I whispered to myself, looking around. "Neat."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Welcome to the dungeon tutorial," a voice, but not the one that I met when reincarnating, spoke up, "please use whatever weapons and items you have to defeat the dummy in front of you. Fear not, they will not attack you back but will try to avoid your attacks at civilian pace."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Observe," I muttered, with fruit in my mouth. It only had fifty hit points, had no chakra, or loyalties, and was level one.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"The enemy in front of you will demonstrate that sometimes, the only way to advance forward in a dungeon, is to kill all of the enemies. When the dummy is killed, a door will open." The voice, which surprisingly reminded me of GLaDOS from Portal, only with no robotic tone, continued.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Inventory," I stated, and a screen came to view. There was a button that said, 'add item', and I clicked it. My bowl of fruit, and fork, vanished and appeared on the list.

⠀⠀⠀⠀Wiping my mouth with an arm, I took a deep breath before breaking into a sprint. Throwing myself at the doll, I slammed my tiny fist into its chest, and while it tried to evade, I was surprisingly fast. It's hit points dropped by forty-six, and it tumbled back and fell to the ground. To say I was a bit shocked would be an understatement. The weakest civilian I saw the day before only had ninety hit points. Two hard punches would have killed them, and I really didn't know how to throw a punch. I restrained myself from grinning and leaped towards the downed dall. It was struggling to stand up, and when I slammed my foot down onto its stomach, I did enough damage to finish it off. It lay limp, and in the corner of my eye an icon with '+0 xp' popped up.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Congratulations, you killed him. You're one step closer towards your goal of being a murderer." GLaDOS announced.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Great, they ripped off her personality too."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"I heard that." She informed me. "Please proceed to the next room, as I inform you of the available options you have to you when you enter a dungeon." There was a beep, followed by a door opening on the far side of the room. "You have full control over the options for your dungeons, such as the difficulty, what enemies you'll find in the dungeon, as well as spawn rates, what terrain the dungeon is apart of, how physics work in the dungeon, such as time and gravity, and if the dungeon has rest zones."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Neat."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Sarcasm will be met with name calling. You are an idiot, who's ugly, and with that white hair of yours, looks old."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"I get it, I get it, I'm sorry." I apologized.

⠀⠀⠀⠀There was another beep, followed by a ring. "Food will be provided at the end of the tutorial. Your options are fried chicken. That is all. Please proceed to the next room."

⠀⠀⠀⠀The rest of the dungeon tutorial was a break down as to what I was going to expect from everything to come, and the chicken provided was delicious, but as I had nothing to do afterward, I spent the rest of the day wondering Konoha and seeing the sights. Only for one of the Hokage's assistance to inform me that my allowance has been sent to my home. From there I just bought a few supplies that I would need for school, food, like butter and jam, and a toaster. It was uneventful but nice.


⠀⠀⠀⠀The next day, I stood beside Iruka, and in front of us was a class of nearly forty children, "Everyone," Iruka announced, getting their attention, "this is Hikigaeru, and she'll be joining us from this point forward." He looked down to me, and requested, "Why don't you introduce yourself?"

⠀⠀⠀⠀I stepped forward slightly, and took a deep breath, before saying a single word, "No." Several of the kids then laughed, as I walked up the stairs and took a seat next to Naruto.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Alright then." Iruka shrugged. "However, since we have a new student, I'll be handing out tests for everyone. This will give me an idea of where she stands compared to the rest of you."

⠀⠀⠀⠀There were several groans from nearly everyone in the class, and even Naruto sulked. As the papers were passed about, I glanced down and snorted. The test was broken into five sections. It was all about my understanding of chakra, math, science, history, and language. Everyone here was nine or ten, so all of it was no harder than fourth-grade classwork, and the only section I had trouble with was History. Neither Mama or Shizune taught me about it, but I knew about chakra from my memories, and a brief explanation about it from Sakura when they did the tree walking training.

⠀⠀⠀⠀Overall, I knew enough to make educated guesses on those topics, but the rest of it was easy. Some of the questions were as such: 'What times nine equals one-hundred-forty-four?', 'Who was the first Hokage?', 'How does the Water Cycle work?', and so on. When I was done with my test, I turned the papers over and looked up at the clock in the corner of my vision. It had been six minutes, and I just rolled my eyes. Reaching down into my bag, I pulled out the book I had with me, and this time, I actually read it.

⠀⠀⠀⠀It was a medical book that I had been given by Shizune, but it only went over the basics, and most of it was common sense. Anyone who watched a medical show long enough could tell you half the information the damn thing. The only noticeable points I went over were CPR and how to wrap a wound properly. Both of which I already knew, because teaching was demanding, and knowing these would be the difference between a student bleeding out, for some reason, or choking to death on their own gum.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"What times nine equals one-hundred-forty-four?" I heard Naruto ask himself, only to make a sad, shocked meep.

⠀⠀⠀⠀Taking out a piece of paper, I started writing out a few notes for the boy, and before a minute passed, passed it over to him once I knew Iruka wouldn't notice. The trick was to wait for him to start reading a new sentence or line in a book, and with how he was grading work, I had to wait for him to start going over a new paper. Most people always paid more attention at the start, and teachers were the same.

⠀⠀⠀⠀My note read as such, 'Naruto, when you have a math question that's too hard, you need to learn to make it simpler. Instead of doing nine times something to find one-hundred-forty-four, try doing nine times a small number, plus nine times another small number to find out what it is. When the total is equal to one-hundred-forty-four, add the two small numbers together to get the answer to the question. Watch, try nine times ten, then nine times six, then add their total. It should equal to one-hundred-forty-four, and if it does, what is the answer?'

⠀⠀⠀⠀Below the note, I even wrote down the work for him to follow, and slid it over to him. When he took it, he had a sly grin, and I knew if Iruka saw it, he would get in trouble. I lifted my book a bit higher and placed a finger against my lips. He just nodded and started working out the problem. It was slow, but after he went through the multiplication, he started adding. The total was one-hundred-forty-four, which meant the answer was sixteen, and when he wrote down the number, he was all smiles for the rest of the test, even if I knew he got most of them wrong. He even struggled with addition and subtraction.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Alright, everyone, time's up," Iruka announced, "please pass your papers to the left, so I can collect them."

⠀⠀⠀⠀Because I was sitting on the far right side of the classroom, everyone on my row passed their papers to me, and when Iruka came to pick them up, he asked me, "How was your test?"

⠀⠀⠀⠀I told him, "It wasn't that hard, but I think I know what I need to work on now." I purposely failed to mention that I was talking more about Naruto than myself, as I eyed the blond boy. His test was now in my backpack.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"That's good to hear." He agreed, and after carrying everything back to the front of the class, he announced, "Alright everyone, you may spend the rest of class, until lunch, outside. Don't leave school grounds."

⠀⠀⠀⠀There were several cheers, but when Naruto stood up, I placed my hand on his side and said, "Hold up."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"What's up, Hikigaeru-chan?" He asked.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"I'm going to help you go over your work," lifting up his class work, I then added, "because I don't know what Iruka-sensei has been teaching you, but most of this stuff is wrong."

⠀⠀⠀⠀Iruka, who sat in his desk, looked up at me and scowled, "Hikigaeru-chan, is that Naruto's test?"

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Yep, I'm going to use it to help Naruto-kun study," I announced, only to add, "and no, I'm not going to give it to you. You already know his grades well enough to have an idea of what you would have gotten from it."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"But why, Hikigaeru-chan?" Naruto cried. "Can't we go outside and play, like we did a few days ago?"

⠀⠀⠀⠀"We'll have time to play, later, Naruto-kun. It'll be a Saturday, so we'll have the whole weekend, but I won't have my first and only friend be an idiot. Besides, I thought your dream was to be the Hokage." I leaned towards him and glared. "And do you know what that means?" Before he could answer, I clapped my hand over his mouth, "Rhetorical question, Naruto-kun. The Hokage is the best Shinobi in the village. The smartest, the strongest, the most caring, and the one everyone looks to for help, and I don't think you not being able to add will help you be the Hokage."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Fine." He sighed, sitting down.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"What was that?" I said, holding a hand to my ear.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"I said, fine." He grumbled.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Louder," I demanded, pointing at him, "with more enthusiasm. You'll never be a Hokage if you face a challenge with that kind of resolve."

⠀⠀⠀⠀He caught on to my coaxing, and gave me a cheeky grin, "Fine!"

⠀⠀⠀⠀"I don't see why you're helping this looser," a voice spoke up, and I looked over to see three students stepping up to us, "he'll just fail like he always does."

⠀⠀⠀⠀Again, I found myself rolling my eyes, "Great, three annoying kids who want to strike up a conversation. Why don't you all just go away, like everyone else?" I then looked about, "Well, except for the Akimichi kid, the Nara kid, and the Hyūga gal."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Look, we're just here to let you know since you're new in the village, you shouldn't be around this loser." The kid repeated.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"And I'll have you know, I spent the last five months of my life traveling around the land of fire by myself to get to Konoha, so I don't need some annoying nine-year-old brat to tell me what I can and can't do." I scowled. "Now go away before I take off my belt and show you what the definition of 'behavior correction' means."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Fine, fine, we'll leave." He laughed, only to walk off.

⠀⠀⠀⠀Under his breath, as they left, Naruto grumbled, "Bunch of bastards."

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Language, Naruto," I whispered to him.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Oh come on, I can't call them the other thing I said, but Iruka-sensei says I can at least call them bastards." Naruto cried.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Really now?" I asked, looking to Iruka, who watched the whole ordeal. He just smiled and waved at us. "Alright then." I accepted, looking down to Naruto's work.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"So what are we doing first?"

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Addition and subtraction," I answered, "because it's the easiest, and then we'll move onto other things. First, I'll show you an easier way to write out the problems, because left to right is just not how to do it, and it's an absolute waste of paper and ink."


⠀⠀⠀⠀As lunch came, I was dragged off to the Hokage's office again, but was told to wait by his door. Opening my menus, I again, went over everything, and a thing of note was Hit point regeneration. It was point-zero-zero-one percent, every interval, for every twenty-five vigor you had. Everyone followed that rule. From Madara to Naruto, to the Hokage, to even Papa, who stood in the Hokage's office. He had arrived sooner than anticipated, but they had other matters to over first. When minutes turned to nearly an hour, I was glad I was reading over the rules. I enjoyed waiting, but I hated it when it dragged on for too long.

⠀⠀⠀⠀The intervals for health regeneration was the only variable for healing. I could theorize that Naruto and I were every second, while some random civilian was every hour. Even then, resting did increase the passive regeneration, and unlike most games, like Fallout and Skyrim, sleeping in a bed didn't regenerate my hit points and chakra to full. All it was, was simple modifiers that increased my own passive regeneration, along with the removal of exhaustion levels. In fact, most injuries stemmed from exhaustion more than losing hit points. Short of dismemberment, or loss of organs, nothing would kill me, and I would heal from anything.

⠀⠀⠀⠀If I was about to die, with nothing more than that tiny magical pixel from death, it would take my own hit point regeneration four minutes to fully heal me. In a game, that was nothing. A useless stat to have, that would make you want to chug potions. For me, four minutes was nothing more than a page or two in a book, or a slight distraction by an annoying student. It was also only going to get faster. I would get a lot of vigor as I leveled up, and if the levels of the three Genin near me, who also waited in line for the Hokage, was something to go off of, then I could only imagine how powerful my regeneration would be when I was as strong as them, or as strong as Papa.

⠀⠀⠀⠀Taking out a kunai from my pocket, one of the ones I stole from my mama and had on me when I first came to the village, I placed it against my wrist and cut horizontally. I watched as the wound closed before my eyes. Shinobi were truly powerful. Nine or ten of the slices would have killed me in my past life, but now the slashes were nothing more than fives or eights. What was once an act to hurt myself was now just a number and a small one at that.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Hey, you shouldn't do that!" One of the Genin spoke up, but as he tried to snatch away my weapon, I pulled it back into my pocket.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Look." I pointed at my wrist and the gash was gone.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"How the hell?" The Genin, who I didn't recognize, grabbed my arm and looked at my wrist with a bewildered expression. "Do you have a healing kekkei genkai?"

⠀⠀⠀⠀"I don't know," I admitted, only to go back to my menus. Again I used a book to cover what I was doing, and again, I read over the rules of my new life. Memorizing was going to be difficult.

⠀⠀⠀⠀Then, when the hour mark came, the Hokage's door opened, and Hiruzen stated, "Hikigaeru, please join us inside."

⠀⠀⠀⠀When I stepped in, I looked up to the massive man who was now my father. It was one thing to see someone with as much hair as him in a drawn anime style. It's another to see it in person. If I had to guess, he was a few inches over six feet, but now that my life revolved around the metric system, my guess was closer to one-hundred-ninety centimeters. It's probably more, considering I wasn't the best at 'on the spot' conversion, but with how his hair fell down past his waist, I doubt he ever had it cut. To make it even worse, he wore geta sandals that made him even taller. I barely even came up to his waist, and I was shorter than Naruto.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Who's the kid?" Jiraiya asked, "And why's she trying to look like me?"

⠀⠀⠀⠀"Take a guess." Hiruzen hummed, as he put his pipe in his mouth.

⠀⠀⠀⠀"It's good to finally meet you," I tilted my head to the side, and smiled, "Papa."


'The following skills have leveled up!'

⠀⠀'Teaching' is now level 22.


'Because of your attitude, your reputation has changed!'

⠀⠀Annoying Classmate 1 that the Author didn't want to name: Disliked

⠀⠀Annoying Classmate 2 that the Author didn't want to name: Disliked

⠀⠀Annoying Classmate 3 that the Author didn't want to name: Disliked


Please Review. It lets me know if you want more.


Author's Note

⠀⠀⠀⠀I wrote this chapter ass backwards. I started with Hikigaeru going to the Hokage's office, then her going to school, then her going home the day before. It was all over the place. I did my best to make it smooth, and flow nice.