Part 4

Pain

"Are you sure you'll be okay being back again?" Willow asked for the hundredth time.

"I'm sure Willow. Everything is going to be ok."

"That's easy for you to say."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you didn't sleep with your best friends ex…or enemy/"

"I may not have slept with best friends ex, but I did sleep with my ex's best friend. Don't put it all on yourself. Besides, Buffy won't find out." Angel assured. "As for Spike, he won't say anything."

"How do you know? Spike can't be controlled." Willow said. "He's not some fledgling."

"Neither am I. I am more than a hundred years older than him, you know."

"I know."

"I can be persuasive when I want to be."

"Yeah, well I'm not worried about the part of him telling anyone."

"Then what are you worried about?"

"Nothing"

"Willow, I know he can be a little…overprotective, but I don't think he would ever hurt you. He knows what will happen to him if he did."

"He can hurt me, Angel." Willow said sadly. "It will be worse since you will be there."

"Are you afraid of him?" Angels hand tightened on the wheel. "Has he done anything…?"

"He's never done anything bad to me, but that's because I've never done anything bad to him."

"If he hasn't done anyting yet…"

"He doesn't have a soul like you." Willow argued. "I've read about him. He doesn't like things that are his taken away." She looked out the window. "You did the same thing with me that you did with Drusilla."

When Willow finished, Angels hands were so tight around the wheel it hurt. He knew she was right in some ways. He knew Spike would be pissed enough to hurt someone, but it wouldn't be Willow. He never took his anger out on Dru. He would fight with him or go out and start something.

Angel needed a break so he pulled the car over. "You're wrong."

"What was that?" Willow looked concerned. "Do you need me to drive?"

"Spike will be pissed off at both of us." He turned to Willow. "He will give us hell. But Willow, he won't hurt you. He never hurt Dru, so he won't hurt you. If he stuck around for you this long he must care about you in some way. He will probably take it out on me or some other demons. He will not harm you as. I promise you that. Understand?"

Willow nodded. "Thank you, Angel. I'm not afraid of Spike…I'm not afraid of him hurting me…I'm afraid that I wont stop him. A part of me seeks out the danger…the risk of death. And let's face it; he's the most dangerous vampire out there right now."

"I know you know the feeling of death because it hasn't left you yet. I know that you think you need pain to feel alive. I also know that he hasn't done anyting horrible to you. You know why? He wouldn't talk to you like you've described for one." Angel paused and stared at her in the eyes. "I also know that because if he really did hurt you, you wouldn't be afraid of him…you would be terrified of him. So answer again. Are you afraid of him?" Angel asked seriously.

After a moment Willow answered. "I'm weary of him at times, but never afraid." She paused. "No one can ever know; not about us or Spike and I. It would hurt them too much."

Angel smiled. "Always worrying about others; don't worry, they won't know. You should start to worry about yourself more." Angel said honestly.

"Just because I'm not completely happy doesn't mean they can't be."

"I know that one very well." Angel said sadly.

Willow closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Angel, I was going to wait to tell you this because, well, I found it at a bad time. Dawn was just kidnapped and then you know." Angel nodded. "Well I was searching and I found something. I didn't get through it all because it's an old, almost gone, language." Willow was talking fast so she needed to take another breath. "From what I gathered from it in a short amount of time…it told how to restore your soul."

Angel was speechless. He kept opening and closing his mouth. The only thing he could get out was, "How?"

Willow was ready to answer. "The gypsy gave you your soul out of spite. She wanted you to suffer. The only way to take that away was for her to want it taken away. I don't know if there was a spell to do that or if it was only one way."

"What way, Willow?" Angel asked desperately

"She would have to want it. She would have to give herself willingly."

"And now she's dead."

"She is…but I'm not."

Angel's head shot up to Willow when realization dawned on him. "Willow"

"Congratulations Angel."

"Are you sure?"

"Almost, I gave you your soul through a curse. Then I gave myself to you. I didn't think about it until I did the locator spell. I'll show you what I have when we get back if you want."

"Wow"

"Yeah"

"If you ever need anything, you just need to call me. And I mean anything." Angel stressed


"Do you want me to take you home?" Angel as he drove into Sunnydale.

"Buffy said they would be at the Magic Box and to come there. Besides, my parents sold the house." Willow said sadly

"Aren't you living with Buffy?" Willow nodded. "That's what I meant. I think its okay to say you're living there."

"I guess…it's just weird to say."

"Willow, you are…"

"Turn here"

"What?"

"Turn, please?"

"Sure" he whispered when he heard her need

A few minutes later Angel recognized where Willow made him turn and pull over. Before he could say anything she jumped out of the car and began walking. He let out a sigh before getting out and following her. When he caught up with her she was standing in front of her grave staring at it.

"Its six feet deep, but when you climb out, without air, it seems like more. I was so cut up too. My hands didn't heel for weeks." She held up her hands. "All better now."

"I remember climbing out too, only I didn't need air. I'm sorry you had to go through it."

"It's okay." Willow walked by the lake and sat down. Angel joined her. "Spike was there to help. He said he went through it too."

Angel felt a little uncomfortable talk about Spike in anyway. But he understood Willows need for him. Spike is the only one in Sunnydale that has had an experience like her. "Can I ask how it started with the two of you?"

4 Months Ago

Spike and Willow were the first to arrive at the Magic Box. Surprisingly, it hadn't been touched. Not surprising, Willow was still unconscious. Spike quickly gathered her in his arms and carried her inside to the training room. He laid her on the couch and searched for some blankets but found none. He pulled off his duster and laid it across her. "Not for just anyone, pet." He mumbled. He then made sure there were weapons around, just incase the demons decided to attack now. Once everything was in place he kneeled down in front of Willow. "Willow, pet…" He said softly, "Come on Red, wake up. I know your there. I don't know how, but I know you're in there." When Willow didn't move Spike grabbed a chair and pulled it in front of the couch. He sat back and watched her.

Spike didn't move for the next twenty minutes. He would have stayed stone still too if Willow hadn't begun to move. He didn't know what to do so he just leaned forward in the chair. He didn't want to scare her. He watched as her eyes slowly fluttered open. Fear, confusion, and the realization all went through them in the matter of seconds.

Willow slowly sat up and looked at him. "Spike?" her voice was weak.

"Yeah, it's me…Spike." He assured her.

She continued to stare at him, but it seemed like she was looking straight through him. When she spoke again it was still soft. "It wasn't a dream, was it?"

"What wasn't a dream?"

"Death"

Spike knew he should comfort her as much as possible, but he also knew she needed the truth. "No, it was real, Willow."

Willow looked around. "We're at the Magic Box."

"Yes"

"Where are the others?"

"I don't know."

"Spike, how am I here?"

"I don't know, Willow. I found Har…Xander carrying you. I took you here."

"Oh"

"I think it was a spell." Spike offered

"Oh, by who" she questioned

"I don't know." Spike lied. He had a good idea who, but he wanted to make sure first. "Nobody really tells me anything."

"I'm sorry."

Spike smiled at her. "What for"

"I don't know. It just seemed like the right thing to say."

"Thank you, Willow." He paused but began again. "Willow…"Spike leaned forward and touched her hand, but Willow pulled it away with a gasp of pain. For the first time they both looked at her hands. "Oh Willow…" They were bloody and battered. "You had to climb out." He whispered. She tried to hide her hands, but Spike stopped her. "Let's get you cleaned up. We can't have you bleeding everywhere." He tried to joke lightly, but got no reaction. They headed to the bathroom where Spike wrapped Willows hands and cleaned her other cuts. He was finishing up when the front door opened and slammed shut. They both jumped at the intruder. "Wait here. I'm going to see who it is." Spike said calmly. On his way out to the front he grabbed a sword incase he need to fight.

"Hello" A British voice called out. "Is anyone else here?" Spike made his presence visible. "Oh, Spike, you startled me. Buffy is doing one last patrol before heading back here. Could you help me research theses demons?

"I have a theory."

Giles waited for him to continue. "Well, what is it?"

"A spell" Spike said leaning on the sword.

"What spell?"

"Don't play dumb Watcher. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about." Spike saw the confused look. "You don't know, do you?"

"Spike, stop with this talk and tell me what's going on." Giles said agitated.

"So you were out of the loop." Spike paused before saying, "Willow."

Giles stared at him. He didn't like Spike throwing her name out there. It was hard enough getting over Willow's death, he didn't need more reminders. He always thought of Willow as a daughter. It killed him to see her dead body. "What are you talking about?" Spike didn't say anything. He just used his head to indicate behind Giles. Giles slowly turned.

"He's talking about me."

"Oh dear lord…Willow"

"Hey Giles"

"Is it really you?" He slowly moved toward her and pulled her into a hug.

Spike watched them and was about to say something when the front door opened again. This time the rest of the gang entered. He watched the shocked expressions of Buffy, Xander, Anya, Dawn, and Tara fall to their faces.

Spike was the only one to hear Anya say, "It worked."

Dawn was the first to step forward. "It's really you. You're really here." Dawn ran up to her and hugged her. "I can't believe it."

Everybody else followed Dawn's actions with smiles on their faces. Silence fell over them, but Giles broke it. "Willow, is there anything you want…need?"

Everybody was ready and willing to do what Willow said. "I think I would like to go home and sleep. I'm really tired."

"Of course" Giles said.

"You can stay with me and Dawn." Buffy said.

"I would really like to go to my own house, please."

"Willow…" Buffy started, "…your parents, they sold it."

Buffy was ready to comfort her friend, but she didn't need to. "Oh" was all Willow said. "I guess I'll spend the night with you then."


Waking up the next morning, Willow felt like she was in a dream world. From waking up and going to the bathroom, she felt like she was watching herself. She stood staring at herself in the mirror checking for any changes. She couldn't find any. So why did she feel so different? She was back from the dead, but she still felt it. Willow was so confused. She didn't know who or what brought her back. She didn't know why she was back. She wasn't even sure if she was ready for the answers. After a few more minutes she splashed her face with water and then decided she need to know what was going on. She opened the bedroom door and already heard voices talking. She moved to the stairs so she could hear. She knew this was the only way she would get honest answers.

"…had to" A voice finished saying. Willow missed the first part.

"It was a dangerous thing to do. Somebody could have gotten hurt. Willow could have been hurt." A British voice, Giles, said.

"Giles," Buffy was talking. "We're fine. Willow is fine. She's just in shock."

"How do you know?" Spike asked. Everybody stared at him waiting for him to continue. "How do you know she's in shock? Have any of you dealt with this before? Spells go wrong all the time."

"Nobody asked for your opinion, Fangless." Xander snapped

"He's right, Xander." Giles said. "None of knows what is going to happen. We haven't dealt with this before."

"I've never even scene this." Anya said. "Other than vampires, nobody comes back from the dead."

"B-Buffy did, right?" Willow recognized the voice of Tara.

"Yeah, but she was dead two minutes. Willow was dead how long; three months?" Anya said. "We shouldn't have done this."

"We couldn't just leave her dead." Dawn said

"She's okay…she's normal." Xander said

"How do you know what normal is?!" Spike shouted. "Not one of you knows what it is like to climb out of a coffin. It's painful and it takes a long time and a lot of strength. In case you forgot, you left her in her grave doing the spell. You didn't even dig it up. There is no air down there." Spike finished.

"She's okay." Xander insisted

"We don't know what ok is." Giles said

"Spike and Giles are right." Anya said "We don't know what's going to happen. She's been back for less than twelve hours."

Giles turned to Tara. "What spell did you use?"

"I called Osirus. If I thought anything bad would happen, I never would have done it."

"Tara is strong." Buffy stuck up for her. "Willow even told me."

"It doesn't matter how strong you are, it was dangerous. That's black magic." Giles cleaned his glasses. "The spell should never have happened."

"Giles we couldn't leave her there!" Xander yelled

"Why the bloody hell not; Death is inevitable!" Giles yelled back

"She didn't die of natural causes." Buffy insisted angrily. She died closing a Hell portal. She could have been in Hell."

"Could have been, Buffy…could have been." Giles said sitting in the chair by the desk.

Nobody said anything. Willow thought this would be the time to make her presence known. She knew what she had to do. She slowly walked down the stairs and into the living room. Everyone stared at her. "I heard what was said. I just want to thank you for your concern. I know you all want what's best for me. I just wanted to tell you that…that I was in Hell. It was horrible."

"There's nothing to thank, Wills." Xander gave her a hug. "We would do it all over again."

"Are you hungry, Willow?" Dawn asked. "I'll make your favorite pancakes."

"That would be nice."

"Great! Do you want to help?"

"Actually, do you mind if I take a shower?"

"Go ahead Willow; we'll take care of it. I'll set some clothes on the bed for you" Buffy said.

As everybody headed to the kitchen Willow headed back upstairs. Nobody noticed Spike follow her. He stopped in front of her door. He didn't hear the shower so he knocked. He pushed it open when he didn't get answer. "Willow?" he asked when he saw her sitting on the bed staring at the wall. She didn't acknowledge his presence even when he sat down next to her and put his arm around her. "Everything is going to be okay." He said rubbing her arm.

She finally turned and looked at him. "I know…I'm alive."

Present

"I guess you could say that's when it started. He was so comforting at times. He could hold me and just be quiet. He would tell me how everything is going to turn out fine. He'd walk me home holding my hand." Willow let out a small laugh. "He would even let me wear his jacket. At other times he could seem like he didn't care at all. All he would want is to sleep with me. He would act like he needed me. Gone was the caring touch and in its place was an iron like grip on my wrist as he pushed me to the wall. But whatever he did, in the end, I felt better. He treated…treats me so…"

"Normal" Angel supplied

"While everyone treats me like I'm going to break, he just calls it as it is."

"Spike has always been honest."

"Anyway, we didn't start sleeping together until about two months later. It pretty much happened the same way it did with us."

"Are you trying to push Spike away?" Angel asked "I know it's not the same, but when I came back I didn't want help in some ways. I kept pushing Buffy away at first. Are you doing that with Spike?"

"I guess in some way I am. I don't get why he is like this."

"He cares about you. That's why."

"But why"

"Spike has always been different than the average vampire. He never lost the ability to care. If he cares about something, he will fight for it. If he hates something, he will change it with whatever means necessary."

"It seems like you like Spike more than you let on." Willow teased

"I don't like him. I do respect him though." Angel said sitting up a little straighter. "Never question the heart Willow. Spike never lost his ability to love."

"I hurt him."

"Yes, you did. Do you love him?" Angel asked standing

Willow looked up at him. "I don't know. I don't know if I love him, or if I need him."

He held his hand out and helped Willow up. "That's something you need to think about."

"Understand?" Buffy pressed

"Yes I understand. I won't do it again. I'll stop dating vampires. Can we drop this now?" Dawn huffed.

"Good, I just don't want you getting hurt." Buffy softened.

"I know. I was just trying to be like you." Dawn said snottily

Buffy was about to say something when Xander burst through the door with Anya slowly walking in behind him. "Is she here yet?"

"No, Xander…the same as when you called ten minutes ago." Buffy said slightly annoyed.

"Sorry, I'm just worried about her. It's almost midnight." Xander said sitting down at the table.

"Its okay, Angel's with her." Buffy assured him

"Yeah, the Great Poof will protect her." Spike smiled

"What?" Xander jumped up. "Do you think she's going to need protection?"

"Xander calm down. You're being foolish." Giles reprimanded

"I'm worried. I'm worried enough about her that I let her go to Angel. I'm sorry, but I don't like the guy. But he is the only one to ever come back from h…"

Xander couldn't say it, not when he was talking about Willow. "…to come back."

Anya could tell her fiancée was hurting so she sat next to him and rested her hand on his knee. "We know, Xander." She said comforting. "Willow will be fine. She's strong."

"I know she is. It's just sometimes I think about her now, and then I remember fifteen years ago. I remember her crying over a broken crayon. She cried so much over so little. It gave me purpose. It gave me purpose to being her friend. I could help her through anything. I did for the last six years. Now…now I can't help her. She has to go to Angel because for the first time, we are…"

"Growing" Spike said softly. He knew that he shouldn't say anything else.

"Yeah, we've finally grown apart. She's not my Willow anymore."

"She will always be your Willow, our Willow." Buffy said sitting down next to him. "She just went through something terrible and has to get back in the swing of things." Buffy smiled

"I guess your right." Xander said wanting to be done with the conversation.

Everybody nodded and started to retreat in to their thoughts. The truth was, was that everyone was anxious for Willow to return. They just hid it better.

Spike watched them all as they thought. His first thought was to be angry at them for thinking Willow was in Hell and pulling her out. They were able to bring her back, but not check where she was to begin with. Spike didn't believe that. On the other hand, he thought they didn't help her because they were too wrapped up in themselves. The reality of it was that they didn't know how to help her. Spike could understand that.

"She's only been gone a day Xander." Anya said quietly

"A lot can happen in a day." Xander said quietly

"Like Dawn falling for a vampire." Anya replied trying to lighten the mood.

"Hey!" Dawn said defensively

"What?" Anya asked innocently. "It happened. It happened to Buffy too."

"What happened that's the same as Buffy?" A voice asked from the door. Everybody turned to see Angel and Willow standing in the doorway.

"Willow!" Xander yelled and ran over to her pulling her into a hug. "I missed you."

"One day, Xander." Willow laughed.

Angel stepped aside as everyone greeted Willow. Everyone except for Spike came up. He turned to see Spike still by the table. He could here the growl come from deep inside Spike. He let out his own warning growl. Angel turned his attention back to the group when he knew Spike left out the back.

"So how is Dawn following in Buffy's footprints?"

"Vampire" was said in unison. Willow understood right away. They all got a laugh out of it while Dawn fumed

Angel was the first to stop his small laughter. "If you guys are done here, why don't I take you home?" He turned to Dawn. "You can ride in the front."

"It's a convertible." Willow smiled.

Dawn jumped up and down excited and rushed outside. The others followed shortly. Willow, Buffy, and Dawn went with Angel back to their house, while Giles gave Xander and Anya a ride home.

TBC