To Whom It May Concern,
I apologise profusely for the measurements below, as they are indeed in metric units. Please bear with me, and hopefully I'll see you at the end of the chapter.
Also, to all alerters, favouriters and reviewers: I love you, and shall now proceed by drowning my keyboard in heart-wrenching sobs of joy.
Sincerely,
Me.
FEATURED REVIEW:
Remmy is so frickin hot
Holy dawgish macaroons
I be dying over here
... Lovely. Enjoy your dawgish macaroons, then. ;)
Chapter Four - The Diary of Lily Evans, Pages 34-37:
9:34 pm -
An Entirely Non-Stalkerish Profile of Rhiannon deLoreche:
Height: 1.78 m
Weight: 60 to 65 kg
BMI: 18.9 to 20.5
Hair: Medium length, straight, light brown.
Eyes: Brown.
Skin: Slightly tanned with several light freckles, no signs of acne.
Foot size: Approximately 8.
Teeth: White.
School Intelligence: Average – mostly receives Acceptables and Exceeds Expectations, with the occasional Outstanding.
Actual Intelligence: Obviously phenomenal, if she managed to score James Potter.
Conclusion: Screw her.
A Saddening Profile of Myself, Lily Evans:
Height: 1.65 m
Weight: probably 50 to 55 kg
BMI: around 19
Hair: Long, orangey red, sometimes straight and sometimes with a hint of a wave that makes it look even more horrible because it's not quite a wave, but it's definitely not straight.
Eyes: Large, green.
Skin: As pale as paper. No, not that pale – the colour of ageing paper, maybe. No freckles, but usually accompanied with at least one vomit-worthy pimple or defect of some kind.
Foot size: 6½.
Teeth: White.
School Intelligence: Not… not too bad, actually – average grade of O or E, excluding Transfiguration.
Actual Intelligence: Saddeningly troll-like.
Conclusion: Not qualified enough to be James Potter dating material, and feet are too small.
Profile of James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin (sorry, Peter):
James Potter:
Height: 1.75 m
Weight: How am I supposed to know that? Pah, seriously.
BMI: See above.
Hair: They say black, but I will always stand by my opinion that it is in fact a very dark shade of brown. At any rate, it smells like Heaven.
Eyes: Hazel green, heart-throbbingly gorgeous.
Skin: Tanned, smooth, a TINY bit hairy – but the best kind of hairy, yeah? Because really, who wants to be dating a completely hairless bloke? Honestly, there's just no sense of maturity in it.
Foot size: 10-ish.
Teeth: Who cares about teeth? I care about LIPS and TONGUE.
School Intelligence: Bloody genius.
Actual Intelligence: Even more of a bloody genius.
Conclusion: Nothing needs to be said, or I'll be taking up several chapters to describe the utter adorableness of the boy.
But alas, I cannot help myself. Cut me some slack.
He's amazing. So, so, so bloody amazing. I want to pull off his sexy school shirt and run my hands all over his smooth, muscled bare chest. I want to stand on my tiptoes, grab his yummy cheeks and kiss those supple lips (well, at least I think they're supple) until we both run out of breath and romantically faint on top of each other and—
That is all.
Sirius Black:
Height: 1.83 m
Weight: I already told you, I haven't the faintest clue as to how one is supposed to go about estimating a boy's weight. Then again, it is me setting out these categories. Perhaps I should take the Weight and BMI out.
BMI: I love James Potter.
Hair: Straight, black, just brushing the shoulders.
Eyes: Grey – or, as many girls put it, "stormy grey, and how so romantic!"
Skin: Between pale and tanned, but more pale.
Foot size: approximately 9.
Teeth: I haven't actually checked. I'm guessing white, though. I mean, there'd just be no appeal for the fifty-three members of his fan club if he had yellow, rotting teeth.
School Intelligence: Hardly listens in class, but come exam time always seems to rack up on the Outstandings.
Actual Intelligence: Pretty dismal, if you want my true opinion.
Conclusion: Yeah, whatever. He's good-looking, but nobody cares. Why did I even include him in here in the first place?
Remus Lupin
Height: 1.70 m
Hair: Dark blonde, bordering on brown – has become darker in the past few years.
Eyes: A starkly clear blue colour, like a beautiful summer's day (without waxing too poetic, of course).
Skin: Slightly tanned.
Foot size: 9 or 10-ish.
Teeth: White and very straight. My memory does not fail me after that entire year of stalking him in Second Year.
School Intelligence: The only one out of the three that actually studies hard in and out of class, and hence receives stellar grades for almost every subject.
Actual Intelligence: Fairly good.
Conclusion: Remus, oh Remus, why can't I still have like like feelings towards you?
Complete Conclusion: Why did I even do these profiles, anyway? My memory has completely failed me. Why is it that I always seem to begin things and then forg—oh, hang on! I wrote this up to compare myself against my friends in the hope that it would raise my self esteem!
Oh.
Yeah, right. Fat lot of good that did. What a waste of precious parchment and Potions essay writing time.
10:16 pm -
Actually, I did in fact get something out of that friend-profile-analysing session. It's a revelation. Do you know what it is? It's that I'm a very perceptive, astute individual that has a tendency to pick up on all the little things that nobody else seems to notice.
Also, that I need to get a freaking LIFE.
11:41 pm -
One sleepless night till Hogsmeade tomorrow. I would almost cry if I wasn't so worried about my lack of attractive attire. I think I may have to get up super early tomorrow morning again and raid out some items from Alice and Emmeline's wardrobes.
Why did I ever give in to stupid Potter's cruel matchmaking idea? I don't want him to see me like a lumpy crab! And even worse, I DON'T WANT TO GO ON A DATE WITH REMUS LUPIN! Especially after this morning! I mean, I thought he was supposed to be the only nice one who didn't horrify me to no end. "Looking forward to tomorrow, right?" Pah! Sirius and James have rubbed off on him too much.
It's ten minutes till Saturday. Nine hours and ten minutes till I have to face those stupid Marauders.
And what if Alice and Emmeline put a lock on their wardrobes, or something equally as horrifying as that, hm? What if they're all in secret discussion with James, Remus and Sirius in a grand project to make my life full of misery and humiliation?
What if this whole thing was planned just so they could see me as a lumpy crab?
What if?
WHAT IF?
Whimper. Whimper. Whimper.
Oh, bloody broomsticks. Can I just go in school uniform instead?
Hello there! Short chapter, but it's all Lily's diary. At least it's a quick update, eh? Hope you didn't completely die from the utter ridiculousness of some of the stuff I wrote there. I'm up to my neck in errands of all shapes and sizes, and your reviews motivate me so much. :) So much that I actually decided to screw extra sleep and got up early one morning before school to write half a chapter.
I know, I'm crazy. But it was great. :P As are you all - my loved, huggable adorable ones.
Until next time,
~ birchermuesli
