It had only been a couple of days since Dean's big emotional moment of vulnerability. The weekend away hunting with the boys was interesting but it was back to real life. Monday I was back at school teaching my class and I hadn't actually been to Bobby's in the past few days. I wanted to see how Dean was doing so I was back at Bobby's today.
"Hey," I said, seeing Sam.
"Hey, what're you doing here?" he asked.
"Just checking up on-," I started.
"Dean?" Sam asked.
I nodded, "Yeah. How's he been since Sunday?"
"Not too good. The impala took quite a beating so I think that's been bringing him down too. I'm glad you were there for him though. Bobby was right. You can reach out to him in ways that we can't," Sam said.
"Oh um, thanks," I mumbled.
"He hasn't really been saying much still. Just gets up, works on his car, eat dinner, occasionally gets a beer. You know the routine," Sam sighed.
"Yeah, I get you. Where is he, anyways?" I asked.
"Car. Big surprise, huh?" Sam replied, sarcastically.
"Yeah," I chuckled. "It was good seeing you, Sam."
"You too," he replied.
I walked into the salvage yard, regretting not changing. I was in a blue, short sleeved dress that was belted to define my waist with a skinny brown belt and a pair of black heels. This was definitely not salvage yard kind of clothing.
"Hey," Dean said. "Checking up on me?" He was still under the car but came out from under it and looked at me. He whistled.
"You're all dressed up. Where are you going to?" he asked.
"Oh uh, I just came from work," I said back.
"Work?" he asked.
"Right, I haven't told you… I'm an elementary school teacher at Sioux Falls elementary. Surprise," I said, laughing a little.
"Oh wow. Congratulations. We didn't take you away from you class or anything during the hunt?" Dean asked.
"No, you're fine. It was the weekend and-, yeah. It was fine," I said.
"I haven't seen around much," Dean said.
"Well I've been working," I replied.
"Riiiight," Dean sighed.
"So how are you-," I started.
"Meredith, I really don't want to talk about it right now, okay?" he asked.
I was a little bit taken aback but his instant reaction to my question. I thought things were better after Sunday. I guess they hadn't gotten any better.
"Look, I understand," I started.
"No! You don't understand. Yeah, you're mom died when you were a kid but you were a kid! My dad is gone. We were… close," Dean said.
I was silent. I got how Dean was feeling but at the same time, I was pissed off at what he had just said, "You don't know anything."
"Really? Humor me," Dean said, staring me down. I shook my head. Here we were again, on the verge of another fight. I looked away from him and took a moment to collect myself. I reminded myself to calm down because I really couldn't handle another fight with Dean. I looked back at Dean, staring his straight in the eye. I took a deep breath.
"Shapeshifter. It was my second year in college. He was just… caught off guard I guess," I shrugged. "He hunted them tons of times. I was so surprised when I heard. So I took a semester of college and hunted for a while. I came back to school the next semester and I was back to normal but uh, yeah. So I get what you're going through. It may not be to the extent you are, but I get it, Dean."
"Meredith, I didn't know," Dean started.
"It's fine. Dad and I fought all the time and I barely saw him but that didn't mean I didn't love him. It hurts yeah, but over the years… God, some days I don't think about it and other days, it just kind of hits me hard," I shared. I was surprised that I could deliver that calmly.
Dean was silent for a while. The two of us stood there going from looking to each other to reflecting on ourselves.
"My dad's dead and I'm still here. Somehow I just don't see how that's fair," Dean finally said.
"And that's okay to feel that way," I replied.
"I know, it just sucks," he said back.
I nodded, "Yeah, it does. You know your dad and I used to talk on the porch at Bobby's all the time. It was funny actually. After uh, well once… we'd talk about the funniest things. He was actually the one to give me the talk." I laughed at the memory of John Winchester talking to me about safe sex.
Dean chuckled, "I'm sorry. That must've been really awkward."
"Oh, it was! But he cared enough, you know? He was a great man. You're lucky to be able to call him 'Dad'," I said.
"Was," Dean corrected.
I could tell that our talk was really affecting him. Instead of saying something, I just wrapped my arms around him and hugged him. He hugged back and we just stood there like that. I pulled away and then looked at him.
"Look, I'm sorry," Dean started.
"For?" I asked.
"For a lot of things. We have… a very long history and is it just me or-," Dean started.
"Or does it feel like we have a lot of unresolved issues in the air at the moment? Yes, it does," I completed.
"Yeah," Dean said. "I uh, I've been feeling it too." Dean scratched the back of his head and I could tell things were getting a little awkward between us. I was no longer just his friend and all of the feelings were surfacing.
"Why don't you come over for dinner tonight? We a field trip tomorrow so I don't have any lesson plans to make and we can just… talk," I offered.
"Mer, you don't have to-," Dean started.
"Come on. I just finished painting my apartment, I'll cook you dinner… it'll be fun," I convinced.
"Please?"
"Well since you said please," Dean replied.
I chuckled, "Since I said please…"
"Sure, okay. I'd love to," Dean replied.
"Okay," I said back.
"Pick up, pick up, pick up!" I said, beginning to panic. The lasagna was just sitting in the warm oven. It had already baked and it was just in the oven so that it would keep warm. I opened my fridge and then closed it almost immediately, out of stress.
"Hey!" I heard the chipper and excited voice exclaim on the other line.
"Hi! Oh my God, Molly I'm freaking out. Jesus Christ…" I trailed off.
"Um, what? What's going on, Mer?" she asked back.
"Okay, so you know how I finally moved back to Sioux Falls for the teaching job and to be closer to home? Well guess who's here? Take one guess," I replied.
"Dean?" she asked.
"Bingo," I replied.
"Oh my God. Well have you seen him yet? I get why you're stressing now," She said.
I nodded, "Yeah his father died so Bobby called me in hopes that I'd be able to reach out to him. After going on a hunt, constantly screaming at each other, and then him finally breaking down – not to mention in my arms – we're okay and I'm uh… having him over for dinner," I said, all in one breath. Molly and I could talk quickly.
"Well how'd that one happen?" she asked.
"I asked him over," I said back.
"Do you think you still have feelings for him?" Molly asked.
"I definitely still have feelings for him," I started.
"But what about after graduation… that whole shebang?" she asked.
"That's kind of what we're going to talk about tonight," I said, nervously. "Shit, okay so I have beer which is kind of 'hey, let's hang out and be comfortable'. It sounds like a good idea. But then I have wine which is so 'do me' but I don't know… I feel like wine will be a nice touch. Shit, I don't know, that's why I called you!"
"Go with the wine. It's Dean. I doubt he'll think anything of it when it comes to alcoholic beverages," Molly replied.
I sighed, trying to release some stress, "You're right. God, why am I even freaking out about this? It's not like it's a date or anything…"
"Uh because he's your ex boyfriend that you have a huge history with. He was your first love not to mention the guy you lost your virginity to. Dean's a pretty big deal no matter how bad he's going to hurt you," Molly said. She was completely right.
"What would I do without you?" I asked, gratefully.
"Let's hope you never have to find out," Molly chuckled.
"Hey, what're you wearing?" Molly asked.
"The blue dress with the skinny brown/tannish belt. I'm shoeless because I'm in the apartment," I replied.
"Perfect. That's a great dress. Underwear?" Molly asked.
"Yes, of course I'm wearing underwear!" I exclaimed. The two of us burst into a fit of laughter.
"No, I meant did you put something… special on? Just in case…" she asked.
"No, don't even go there. If anything is ever going to happen again I want to take things slowly. Things happen to go best when we do take it slow," I replied. Just then, there was a knock at the door. I practically jumped out of my skin and the sound of it, "Shit, Molly he's here! I've got to go. Thank you so much for letting me call you and completely freak out to you."
"Any time," she replied, chuckling a little.
"Love you," I said.
"Love you too," she said back.
I hung up the phone and took in a deep breath. I exhaled with force and then tried to collect myself, "Get yourself together, Meredith. This is not a date. This is so not a date. You have no reason to freak out about this." I took another deep breath in and mustered the courage up to go answer the door.
"But we're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine, sit talking up all night, saying things we haven't for a while..."
"Hi," I said, greeting Dean at the door.
"Hey," he said, smiling as soon as he saw me. I had to keep myself from biting my lip and letting him know that I was getting those first date butterflies. Not that this was a first date, or a date for that matter! Oh but that smile…
"Come in?" I asked. He nodded and mumbled something before coming into the apartment. "How are you?"
"Good. This is a nice place you got here. You just finished painted it?" Dean asked, looking around.
"Uhh yeah. I just moved here in August and haven't had much time to fix it up. Just painted it. I moved here for the job," I replied.
"I like it," Dean replied.
"So I made lasagna, if that's okay with you. Come into the kitchen. That's the only place I have a table at the moment. No dining room," I said, chuckling a little.
"No it's great and yeah, I love lasagna," Dean replied. "Do you want some help?"
"Uh, sure, yeah. Do you think you could take it out of the oven and then put it on the table? The oven's not actually on, just keeping it warm. Actually you know what? You shouldn't worry about it. You're the guest, I don't want to put you to work!" I said, changing my opinion half way through. I knew I was talking about a mile a second.
"No, no, it's fine. I got it," he said, calming me down. I took a deep breath and chuckled a little.
"I'm talking way too fast, aren't I?" I asked, biting my lip.
"You're fine," he replied, looking down at me admiringly. We were seconds away from kissing. But I wanted to take things slowly. I straightened up.
"Okay, thanks you can just put that on the table," I said, avoiding his gaze a little.
Dean opened the oven and used the oven mitts to pull out the pan of lasagna. He went over and put it down on the kitchen table right in the middle. I had set the table already and set a place for the lasagna to be.
"Anything else I can help with?" Dean asked.
"No, go ahead and sit down," I replied.
"Okay," Dean said back.
"Wine?" I asked, opening the fridge door. I peered into the fridge and grabbed the bottle of wine. I got out two wine glasses from the cabinet.
"You're drinking wine now?" Dean asked, amused.
"You're right. You caught me. You can arrest me for pretension now," I teased.
Dean chuckled, "Sure. A glass of wine would be great. I guess it'll be… interesting to have something other than beer and whiskey."
"Mkay," I replied. I poured two glasses of wine and then brought them over to the table. "Here."
"Thank you," Dean said. "Wow, this looks amazing."
"Thanks. Since I've decided to assume the normal life I've had more time to do normal stuff like oh, you know, cook and stuff," I said.
"This is great," Dean nodded, taking a bite. "Trying to get me drunk?" He motioned over to the glass of wine.
"Yes, I'm trying to get you wasted so I can take advantage of you tonight," I replied, sarcastically.
Dean rolled his eyes playfully and chuckled, "Alright, alright. I'll get it."
"Mhm," I said.
"You're going to make some man very happy one day, you know that?" Dean asked. I opened my mouth to say something but I had nothing. Things were just too awkward with him saying that.
"So you're teaching now?" Dean asked, immediately changing the subject.
"Yeah, I uh just got the job. I'm teaching a second grade class at the elementary school. It sounds like it'd probably be a pain but the kids are great. They have their wild times but they're adorable and so, so sweet," I replied, smiling when I talked about my students.
"You sound like you love it," Dean said.
"I do, I really do. They're great kids," I shrugged.
Dean smiled at me, "Well that's good. And look at you. You even have your own apartment now."
I chuckled, "It's not that big of a deal." I blushed.
"No, you're really making a life for yourself," Dean said.
I cleared my throat, "So what've you been up to? Tell me about the great adventures of Dean and Sam Winchester."
"I wouldn't go that far," Dean chuckled. "Well, Sammy has had some psychic ability for about a year now."
"Ability?" I asked.
"He gets… premonitions," Dean sighed.
"Okay," I replied.
"His uh, his girlfriend was killed by the demon that killed our mom so he packed up from Stanford and joined me. We've been hunting for the past year now and I won't lie, I've missed him a lot. I know it's selfish of me, but part of me is happy that he's with me. Of course not under the given circumstances but he's my brother, you know?" Dean explained.
I nodded, "No, I get it. You wish that Sammy hadn't been hurt like that but you want your brother with you."
"Yeah. And then with Dad and everything…" Dean trailed off.
"I'm sorry about all of that," I said.
"It's- thanks, I guess. So how's Sawyer? And are you still speaking to Molly?" Dean asked, quickly changing the subject. I could tell that he didn't want to talk about it and I wasn't going to pester him about it. He had his own way of dealing with things.
"Yeah, Sawyer is well. She's editing books out in Los Angeles. Molly is a designing in New York. She's an assistant now and says her boss is kind of the devil," I chuckled. But she gets to design some stuff and has some great opportunities to submit work."
"Sorry, it's just so weird to hear about… the normal life," Dean said.
"Not a problem. Honestly, one of the reasons I took the job back here was to be closer to Bobby. Just in case he needed anything…" I said.
"You can't leave it alone, huh?" Dean asked.
I shrugged, "I don't know. Part of me kind of feels an obligation to it. It's where my family roots lie. I should be doing this instead of gluing macaroni together with seven year olds."
"No, you deserve a shot at normal," Dean replied.
"What about you?" I asked.
"I don't know. I don't even know if I want it," Dean replied.
The rest of the evening we just talked and laughed. More glasses of wine were poured and we ended up having a good time together. We waited until after dinner to finally talk. We had loosened up a lot after drinking a little over half the bottle of wine so maybe this talk wouldn't be too bad.
"So… now for… what we actually needed to talk about," I started.
"Right," Dean said back.
"I... don't know where to even start," I said, laughing nervously.
"So, things have been pretty… weird lately huh?" Dean asked.
"Yes. It may have something to do with half the time it's like we don't know how to act around each other because there's so much between us and then the other half of the time we're yelling at each other," I replied, beginnig to form actual thoughts. God, this was nervewracking. Over the past few days, being with him, I could tell that I was still in love with him but what if I said it and he didn't feel the same?
"Yeah… sorry about that. This whole thing with dad has got me acting like a moody teenager," Dean chuckled. "Um, being mad at you… I don't know. God, I suck at this whole sharing feelings thing."
"Fine, I'll go first," I said. "Being mad at you has partially had to do with the fact that you get irked. But also because… Dean being around you is so confusing. We have so much… and you were my first love. I'll never forget that. And then seeing you… God, it's been almost ten years and I still… feel the same. If you don't, I totally understand." I looked down, blushing. I couldn't believe that I had actually admitted that.
"No, don't," Dean said, placing two fingers underneath my chin, bringing my face up to look him straight in the eyes.
"I feel the same," Dean said back. "I just don't know… how to be around if. If… even if this would be a good idea. I hunt, Meredith. I could put you in danger."
"And I can take care of myself," I reminded.
"But at the same time, I'd be away all the time. I wouldn't be able to be that stable boyfriend that you need," Dean said.
"I know, I just, I don't know how I'm supposed to just resume daily life when I.. feel the same as I used to. I mean, honestly, I'm always going to love you, Dean," I said back, blushing. Oh God. I shouldn't have said the actual words. Dean just sat there, staring at me. Oh shit. It was too much. "Sorry, that was too much. I-, if you don't feel the same, i get it. I do-."
"No, I do," Dean said.
I nodded slowly, "So what're you saying?" I asked.
"I'm saying that I still love you too. Hell, I probably always will... but could this even work?" he asked back.
"Well, we'll never know until we try," I replied. "And I love you too."
Dean bit his lip, "So what're you saying?" he asked.
"I'm saying I want to give us another shot. If you want to," I replied.
"I do too," he said back.
I smiled, "Okay."
"And there's one more thing," Dean said.
"Oh?" I asked back.
"When I left you in the hotel that morning… I really, really am sorry for that. I didn't want to," Dean started.
"No, I know," I replied.
"But-, but before we left in high school, your dad talked to me. That morning that my dad told you guys we were leaving. He asked me to leave you alone till after you were done with school. I was supposed to wait until after college but I couldn't. That night when we talked about you having a future, I knew that I had to leave because if I stayed any longer, I would've wanted to keep you with me and you just had so much ahead of you. I didn't want to keep you from that," Dean explained.
"Ugh, I cannot believe he did," I scoffed.
"Look, don't be mad at him," Dean started.
"He was only looking out for me," I completed. I nodded. "Dad was irrational. He did everything he could to protect his children but… it was because he cared. That finally sunk in after he died. It just, kind of sucks that you stayed away."
"I wanted you to-," Dean said.
"No, I know. You wanted me to have a future. I get it, Dean. I just missed you a lot. I won't lie. In high school… I wanted, or at least I thought about a future, with you," I admitted.
"And now we can have it," he replied, a smirk on his face.
"Oh yeah?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.
"Yeah," he replied, pulling me in for a kiss.
I kissed him back and God, it was intoxicating. I had missed Dean Winchester so much. I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the kiss. He pulled me in closer and I wrapped my arms around his neck. His hands moved from my ribcage and then down to my hips.
As much as I hated it, I pulled away, "Hey, um, if we do this… again. I need to take things slow."
"Okay," Dean nodded, leaning in for another kiss.
"Wait," I said. "You're okay with this?"
"Yeah. We're taking things slowly. That doesn't mean I can't kiss you," Dean said.
"Okay," I replied. I leaned in and kissed him. And for once, I felt truly happy again.
